Baseball families - is this normal?

[mooooom]

We have two families that we are friendly with who both have children in "competitive" baseball (as much as I know about it - they are in try out travelling teams that compete all over the place, including far away).

 

I feel like we have lost two good sets of friends over this, they have no free time whatsoever.

 

The first family can not plan a playdate, because "you never know when the coach will call an extra practice." She can set a tentative date, usually which gets cancelled. When we do manage to get together, discussion always centers around how much her kids get to play, what awful thing the coach said or did, etc.

 

The second family we used to be very close with. Go camping in the summer, see each other frequently for dinner, etc. They have 3 kids in basball/softball, they do not have a single evening/ weekend day available to get together. We recently set a date (for a month from now) which was just broken because someone had an out of state game change of plans. Maybe Memorial weekend something will open up.

 

My kids are heartbroken that they never get to see their friends and my dh is angry and thinks it's an awful way to live. I'm just wondering if it is normal and if it is, why do you think it is worth it?

 

Not trying to start an argument, just trying to understand. I could never imagine our family putting our entire lives on hold for a game.

[Danestress]

The swimmer has practice 6 days a week (some are only an hour and 15 minutes, others are 2 hours) and has meets about once a month, which take the entire weekend. He doesn't have to attend all 6 practices though - we choose one a week to miss, so that does give us a chance to make a play date. The tennis player plays most days, though he is more flexible about playing, and sometimes gets rained out. He plays tournaments, and that takes up the entire weekend, less in the winter, very often in the spring and fall.

 

They both love it. It would never be something I would push them into. I prefer less structured time and always imagined that I would avoid the "over scheduled" life I saw some people live. My eldest son wasn't that into his activities, and we were must freer and less structured. Buy my younger sons don't want to just be "okay" at their sports, they really want to excel, and it makes them happy. They also take violin lessons and practice their instruments every day. I will agree that these things impact their friendships. Their one truly 'best' friend is a baseball player, though, so he gets it. It's fun because sometimes he will not have baseball until the afternoon or will be free on a Sunday and will attend a tennis match of my son's. Likewise, we have gone to see baseball and basketball games that he participates in. It's really nice to see kids that aren't into a sport out cheering for a friend who is playing. I would honestly suggest that if you haven't done it, you try it. It will give you a new appreciation for what this kid does.

 

I can't imagine why it makes your husband *angry* that they choose to do something different than you would. It's just what they like. My children are very happy kids for the most part, and I do think homeschool allows us to have this sports schedule. I am not sure I would allow it if they were gone all day and then had 2 hour practices in the afternoon. I think that as parents, DH and I have to have a primary place in our children's lives. If they chose a sport that really interrupted our chance to be a family, I would have a problem with that. If they choose a sport that impacts play dates with friends, that's okay with me.

Edited March 24, 2009 by Danestress

[starwarsmomma]

Oh, boy... are you living in my head? We're going through the exact same thing with our (used to be) best friends.

 

Here's my experience and thoughts:

 

Things go in cycles. True Friendships go strong, then fade a little, grow strong, fade a little. All through it all-- the friendship is still there, just sometimes on pause. However, if there's a birth, death or emergency a TRUE friend will drop everything to help.

 

Our best friends have found new best friends. They live next door to eachother. THe kids all play together, the parents eat EVERY DINNER EVERY NIGHT together. When I try to plan a BBQ-- they keep inviting their best friends. Talk about hurtful! We've tried to explain we'd like to get closer again-- their response is the more the merrier to join their current plans...

 

Ok. I cant change people, I can only change my own attitude.

 

I pray about it. Alot. I want them to be happy-- if how things are right now is best for them, than I give my blessing. But I also tell God that I mourn the friendships that we used to have... and ask that if God wants this friendship to continue to bless that friendship and help it grow, in whatever way God wants.

 

I dont care for the other family-- theyre not bad, just they tend to do alot of inside jokes and refuse to include us. Makes me feel like I"m in junior high again...

 

Anyway, my advice is to back away. Let them come to you. IF they're truly friends, they will come back. In the meantime, don't sit at home and sulk. Go meet the neighbors, set up BBQ's. Go meet other families that homeschool, or go to your church, or are into the same hobbies ya'll are...

 

I refuse to sit around and wait for my friends to miss me. It is up to me to find my own happiness.

[teachermom2834]

I have one involved with very serious travel ball. One just starting out in a less serious program but still travel.

 

We play 2-3 weekends per month with generally involves Friday night, Sat and Sun - sometimes all day. We practice 1-2 times per week in addition to the weekend tournaments. It would not be okay to miss practice for a playdate or social meeting. Generally we would only miss for illness or a substantial church commitment. Ds recently told his coach that he would not play on Good Friday and we have missed for First Communions. (We do not miss Sunday Mass for baseball but we do often have to go at odd times or go to another parish to work around the baseball schedule). Some families choose to take vacations during the season and that does lead to some eyebrow raising.

 

I have had to tell friends that I can't make any firm plans during ball season. We don't play all the time but we often don't know until the last minute what the schedule will be. We may be off all day on a Saturday but might not know that until Thursday. Things are very much in limbo all season. Not to mention all the free weekends we get because of the weather but again we don't know until the last minute on those.

 

So, yes, it is normal for baseball families (and I know some families in other sports that operate the same way). Whether or not it is healthy- I'm not always sure. I do wish there was some middle ground but we haven't been able to find it. I do often question if this is the right thing to do but usually end up deciding that it is. I do not usually encourage other people to get into it. My ds loves it and thrives in it. It's a great activity for him. Balancing the needs of the family- that's the grey area.

 

The one thing that I do not do is talk to my non-sports friends about baseball. It is very, very easy to get caught up in the drama, the coaching issues, etc. I've been there and felt like I was in high school with some of the women. I won't get emotionally involved again. I have lost sleep over some of that stuff but I will not anymore. It can be very drama filled and emotionally draining. Now that we've learned how to deal with that aspect of it I don't feel like it is taking over our family. There was a time when I told dh I was done because it was all we ever talked about. We've got that aspect of it under control now and it makes the rest of it seem much more reasonable.

 

I know I rambled on there. I consider myself an expert on this topic :D It's a tough thing. Your friends are not unusual, though. And where as they might be overinvolved they likely really enjoy it - not a horrible way to live for them. It can be very fun. It can also be miserable.

 

I hope you are able to maintain those friendships. I'm sure they don't want to lose you as friends they are just trying to support their kids in what they want to do.

 

It can be tough, though.

 

Marie

[unsinkable]

Yes, that is the way it can be. I have had kids in travel sports for years now. You have hit on all the downsides. Another downside is when your child has to change travel teams and the child and family have to "start over" with all new teammates and families.

 

For us, though, we do the sports as a family thing. Obviously, the kids are the ones practicing and playing but parents and siblings go to as many games as possible. We travel out of town together if possible.

 

Are you in the south? How long is the baseball season? Up here, travel hockey is the big thing but the season is concentrated from Sept - March. I can see in a warmer climate how baseball could go much longer.

[unsinkable]

Middle ground --- oh, how I wish there was one!

 

My dream would be to have a pond in every neighborhood and we'd never have to pay for ice or drive me kids to play hockey.

[Jennifer in MI]

I have one involved with very serious travel ball. One just starting out in a less serious program but still travel.

 

We play 2-3 weekends per month with generally involves Friday night, Sat and Sun - sometimes all day. We practice 1-2 times per week in addition to the weekend tournaments. It would not be okay to miss practice for a playdate or social meeting. Generally we would only miss for illness or a substantial church commitment. Ds recently told his coach that he would not play on Good Friday and we have missed for First Communions. (We do not miss Sunday Mass for baseball but we do often have to go at odd times or go to another parish to work around the baseball schedule). Some families choose to take vacations during the season and that does lead to some eyebrow raising.

 

I have had to tell friends that I can't make any firm plans during ball season. We don't play all the time but we often don't know until the last minute what the schedule will be. We may be off all day on a Saturday but might not know that until Thursday. Things are very much in limbo all season. Not to mention all the free weekends we get because of the weather but again we don't know until the last minute on those.

 

So, yes, it is normal for baseball families (and I know some families in other sports that operate the same way). Whether or not it is healthy- I'm not always sure. I do wish there was some middle ground but we haven't been able to find it. I do often question if this is the right thing to do but usually end up deciding that it is. I do not usually encourage other people to get into it. My ds loves it and thrives in it. It's a great activity for him. Balancing the needs of the family- that's the grey area.

 

The one thing that I do not do is talk to my non-sports friends about baseball. It is very, very easy to get caught up in the drama, the coaching issues, etc. I've been there and felt like I was in high school with some of the women. I won't get emotionally involved again. I have lost sleep over some of that stuff but I will not anymore. It can be very drama filled and emotionally draining. Now that we've learned how to deal with that aspect of it I don't feel like it is taking over our family. There was a time when I told dh I was done because it was all we ever talked about. We've got that aspect of it under control now and it makes the rest of it seem much more reasonable.

 

I know I rambled on there. I consider myself an expert on this topic :D It's a tough thing. Your friends are not unusual, though. And where as they might be overinvolved they likely really enjoy it - not a horrible way to live for them. It can be very fun. It can also be miserable.

 

I hope you are able to maintain those friendships. I'm sure they don't want to lose you as friends they are just trying to support their kids in what they want to do.

 

It can be tough, though.

 

Marie

 

:iagree: With everything she said here. We are typically busy with baseball every night of the week, but we have three boys. Only one is on a travel team. We also have a hard time making plans during baseball season. People know this and accept it.

 

And, I also agree that your friends are probably having a great time with baseball! I love the social outlet, the picnic lunches and dinners, the after-game parties, etc, etc, etc. We do not plan vacations during baseball season because we'd miss too much.

 

I know it's not for everyone, but we sure love it!

 

Now, we've never been on a team where we've had to be "on call" for a practice. Our practices are all scheduled well in advance. So, on that rare night where we are free, we do make plans with friends.

 

I hope you can find a way to stay friends with them during this busy season of their lives!

[Paz]

This was my life. If fact, it still is. :lol: My ds played baseball and dd plays softball. We live in the south so the season really never ends, maybe a few weeks off here and there. For my ds, it did seem to take up too much of life sometimes but it kept him busy and out of trouble and he learned some extremely valuable life lessons. For dd it is a great social outlet for her. She is not a super outgoing kid and most of her friends and social situations take place as part of softball. She has been stretched and encouraged to take risks (the good kind) that she would not have otherwise. As kids get older they get very busy no matter what their interests. It just depends on what your family feels is important or wants to spend time participating in. I agree that friendships outside of the sport are difficult because of time constraints. And it is true that things are not really planned very well in advance so your life tends to be on hold.

[MamaT]

I have a son who is very involved with baseball four or five afternoons a week and most weekends. I have a daughter who is a competitive gymnast and goes to practice for 3 hours 5 days a week. I have a daughter who is very involved in dance and is in our city's company ballet and jazz. She has to go to dance 3-4 afternoons a week for 3 hours, more when there is a show coming up.

 

So, we rarely have a free night. Weekends are taken up with baseball, gym, dance activities, or all three.

 

I would never push my kids to do something they didn't want to do, but I won't hold them back either. We have given up socializing much at all. We have a rare evening out about once a month with friends. I try to stay in touch even though we don't get together that often. Most of our friends understand and have even come to see dd11 dance, dd9 compete, or ds10 play ball.

 

I know your friends don't mean to push you away. Its just that they are trying to support their children, encourage them in their gifts and talents. I'm sure it's not personal. They probably miss spending time with you as well.

[kalanamak]

We have two families that we are friendly with who both have children in "competitive" baseball (as much as I know about it - they are in try out travelling teams that compete all over the place, including far away).

 

 

This would sadden me, too. I'm sorry my son won't grow up in a world of "work up kickball" and neighborhood broom ball on the ice of the creek down in the ravine.

 

I read somewhere the sport white males learn in youth that they are most likely to be playing when they are 40 is tennis. I'm crossing my fingers kiddo will like that or the racket court sports, and only for fun. So far, so good, he loves them.

[Jenny in Florida]

My son is not into sports, but he is very into performing arts. His regular weekly schedule includes dance classes four days a week and choir rehearsal one day. He also regularly auditions for community theatre and dance productions, each of which add rehearsals and performances to his life.

 

Currently, he's in the middle of a run of a musical and is also rehearsing for his dance recital and an opera. (He's a "super," which is opera talk for "extra.") His choir is preparing for their major concert of the season and are also booked to sing for a wedding this Saturday.

 

I, too, used to speak scornfully of all of those overscheduled kids. When, I wondered, do they get a chance to just be kids? But my son just loves everything he does and constantly begs to do more. As each show closes, he gets so sad and can't wait to line up the next thing. So, I've had to make my peace with the fact that the idyllic, slow-paced childhood I imagined isn't the path this child was meant to take.

 

He has one good friend, whom he's known since they were preschoolers. And that family occasionally makes remarks about how hard it is to plan time with us. On the other hand, the boy is in school and is often not available when we are free.

 

If you ask him, my son will tell you he would like to see more of his friend. However, when you show him the audition notice for another show and remind him that, if he gets in and does that, he'll have less free time . . . he'll take the show.

 

True story: We had a fun trip planned a couple of summers ago. He had participated in planning and was really looking forward to going. Then, out of the blue, he was offered a part at a local dinner theatre that conflicted with the dates of our trip. He didn't think more than one minute before deciding he'd rather do the show.

 

I think as kids get older, they do tend to get very involved in things. And I, personally, think it's healthy. The kids I know who came through their teen years with the least pain were the ones who were truly passionate about something, who had some reason to get out of bed every day, who felt they were working toward something that was meaningful to them.

 

I'm sure it must be hurtful to be the ones left behind or separated because your family is on a different path. But every family has to find what works for their kids. And, as long as the kids are initiating and sustaining the commitment, I think it's wonderful.

Edited March 25, 2009 by Jenny in Florida

[Mom2boys]

 

I think as kids get older, they do tend to get very involved in things. And I, personally, think it's healthy. The kids I know who came through their teen years with the least pain were the ones who were truly passionate about something, who had some reason to get out of bed every day, who felt they were working toward something that was meaningful to them.

 

 

 

:iagree: Well said.

[wagnfun]

:iagree: With everything she said here. We are typically busy with baseball every night of the week, but we have three boys. Only one is on a travel team. We also have a hard time making plans during baseball season. People know this and accept it.

 

And, I also agree that your friends are probably having a great time with baseball! I love the social outlet, the picnic lunches and dinners, the after-game parties, etc, etc, etc. We do not plan vacations during baseball season because we'd miss too much.

 

I know it's not for everyone, but we sure love it!

 

Now, we've never been on a team where we've had to be "on call" for a practice. Our practices are all scheduled well in advance. So, on that rare night where we are free, we do make plans with friends.

 

I hope you can find a way to stay friends with them during this busy season of their lives!

 

I have 2 in baseball & agree with what the baseball families have said! We are on the field 5 days a week (two teams) w/ a coach that will throw on extra practices here & there. Our extra "last minute" practices are usually pitching practices- my son is shortstop & 3rd baseman who pitches now & then. When he is going to pitch a game, there is an extra practice. The thing is yes it is social, yes it is fun & yes the kids LOVE baseball season! During the season I don't schedule non baseball Bbqs or gatherings b/c we take advantage for family time if we have a free Saturday.

 

I'm only answering your question that yes this is normal in baseball families....

 

Have you ever tried to set up a bbq at the field or gone to their kids games?

[teachermom2834]

to say that a friend "dumped" you for baseball wouldn't be fair. I would feel terrible if a friend of mine thought I specifically chose an activity over a friend.

 

I have a good friend I know doesn't get it at all and thinks we are crazy. I cannot tell you how much it means to me that this friend doesn't come out and tell me that. This friend made an effort to come to my ds game and that meant a lot because it totally isn't her thing. It definitely makes me want to make the effort with that friend and if I did have free time she is the one I would call.

 

People get busy with things. I have always thought it was good that my kids chose the activity they want to pursue rather than consider whether or not their friends are in it. I wish they had a little more time with their friends but I would be disappointed if they put aside something that they really wanted to pursue just because a friend isn't into it.

 

We've been at this for a few years now and haven't lost any friendships over it. My friends with growing children have things they are into now too. I think it is natural as kids get older to get busier. It doesn't mean those friendships are over. It does mean they change a little.