lynn Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 My bil passed away last week. He was a very selfish person and never took care of his family causing many problems for my family over the years bu tmy sister loved him and always had to have him no matter what. So what do I tell my sons about him. They are asking what kind of person he was. Did I get along with him? etc. How honest should I be. I've always heard you don't speak ill(is that the word) of the dead. (I am typing this so I don't think it counts, does it?) How much do they need to know? there really isn't much good to say about him. The past few years he tried hard but was still with his selfish ways with "his" money not making things much easier on my sister. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I'd be honest without embellishing a whole lot. Emphasize that their auntie loved him and is very sad that he's gone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I'd be honest without embellishing a whole lot. Emphasize that their auntie loved him and is very sad that he's gone. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 I'd be honest without embellishing a whole lot. Emphasize that their auntie loved him and is very sad that he's gone. That's a good answer. I might be able to get away with that and not have to explain my personal feelings. I am very sad for my sister to have lost someone she loved. I guess they can know that also. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in IL Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 or at least have a clue about how you feel if they saw or heard any problems he caused. Tell them the truth but not all the gory details. If they ask, more detailed questions, answer honestly. Do it in a way so you are not passing judgement on him, just relaying facts of the situation. If they don't ask now, they might later when they start maturing more. I have had to act in a similar manner (but the person didn't die). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peek a Boo Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Everyone gets used as a role-model in our house. Even most of my faults are aired w/ pros and cons. I'd be fine pointing out that he was a selfish guy that had a different idea of how to serve other people, while at the same time pointing out that we don't have to base LOVE on material things, and that people can still be LOVED COMPLETELY even when they are complete jerks ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 I would simply emphasize that your sister loved him very much and will miss him greatly and we are very sorry for her loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Everyone gets used as a role-model in our house. Even most of my faults are aired w/ pros and cons. I'd be fine pointing out that he was a selfish guy that had a different idea of how to serve other people, while at the same time pointing out that we don't have to base LOVE on material things, and that people can still be LOVED COMPLETELY even when they are complete jerks ;) I agree. I am all about honesty concerning relatives because of my childhood experiences. I don't want any of my kids thinking that certain relative's behavior is/ was acceptable so I spell it out quite plainly. "We love Granny. However, she has mental problems that make having a healthy relationship difficult. When Granny __________(fill in the blank, there are so many choices!) it is wrong and selfish..blah blah...." If I didn't SAY something, they would think I didn't have a problem with it. If my kids are aware AT ALL of a certain relative's problems, we discuss them. We also acknowledge our love for that person and how we all have faults and that we believe in forgiveness. But we don't keep secrets and we don't hide the bad stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 My husband is rather brutally honest about his mother and his family- who we live near but have little to do with. None are very interested in us. Dh tends to find fault in my family too...but overall I dont tend to speak badly of his family or mine, even though they all have their faults. I see mine so rarely, and they love me- I see no reason to dwell on their faults. I appreciate his family jsut because they are the only family I have where I live, and they are reasonably friendly, even if we only see each other a couple of itmes a year. Rather than call someone selfish, I would rather call them unhappy- because self centred people, who dont know the joy of giving, are unhappy. So that evokes compassion in me, rather than judgement (I can be judgemental, just sharing my thought process). No one is JUSt selfish, so while I would want to make it a teaching moment, I would rather not leave that as the only impression I have my kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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