How do you deal with unprecedented fears in teens?

[Tap]

Ds14 has always been a realist. He will tell you that cars crash, bikes crash, there are sharks eat people in the ocean. Not 'will maybe crash' or 'people rarely get eaten', just that, it does happen.

 

 

Most of his life he has been fine with the slight fears that his brutal reality brings out in him. There are a few things he refused to do. One is swim in the deep part of an ocean (wading is fine) and the other is that he has no interest in flying...because as we all know...planes crash. Fair rides that leave the ground are a no go. These are easily avoidable at his stage in life, so he has never had to confront these fears.

 

Last summer he was at Water Ski camp and Loved riding the inner tube towed behind a boat among other things. One of the drivers got crazy, and because of it ds had a bad fall on the tube. He wasn't hurt, it just scared him. He got back on one more time then absolutely refused to go again. He says he now 'hates' any water sports behind a boat including riding on a jet ski. We explained that it was the guy driving's fault and that ds just shouldn't go on his boat again...but it isn't good enough. He just won't ride again. He will go on the boat and visit with friends, and plans to continue to go to camp next year, he just doesn't want to ride anymore. He swims in lakes just fine and is a competitive swimmer so it wasn't a fear of water.

 

Last year we had to pry him off the mountain from snow boarding. He loved it and asked to go constantly. Dh took the day off work today to have a guys day on the mountain and ds almost refused to go. This has been a crazy year so today is ds first chance to board since last spring. He says he is now too scared to go. Nothing happened last year, he didn't take a bad fall. Ds is a cautious snow boarder. He just heard about too many kids getting hurt and now doesn't want to go. The kids who got hurt were on teams and got hurt doing tricks.

 

Dh and I talked to him about calculated risks and that each person has a great amount of control over the risks. If he wants to go snowboarding, sticking to traditional lanes, staying off ramps, being aware of people behind him...all greatly (!) reduce the chance of an accident, all the while still allowing him to do something he loved. They are going mid week, during school hours, fresh powder/no ice, so the mountain is just about as safe and uncongested as you can get it.

 

We let him decide whether to go today or not. And while I know he really didn't want to go, we nudged him and made a deal. He would go on two runs, if he was scared, then he could take a book and sit in the lodge and read. We are hoping that he will remember how much he loves it, and be able to contain his fears. We do realize there is a danger in snowboarding, and we really don't care if he boards or not, it isn't about that at all with him. It is the loving an activity one minute and then deciding that it is too dangerous to do the next. The way he presents it is almost like and irrational fear. Again I do realize it is dangerous, it is more about how he presents it, and knowing his history with fears. It is his 'hating' an activity now, not hating the chance of getting hurt.

 

At 14 he is now afraid of sharks, snow sports, water sports, flying, fair rides, and those are just the ones we know about. The only fear that is based on his personal experience is the water sport fear.

 

We are seeing these fears added at about a rate of one a year. We are concerned that it is starting to get out of hand, and wonder what we should do.

[homeschoolin'mygirls]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

Bumping this so perhaps you'll get more feedback than just mine.

 

Have you considered counseling with/for him?

 

I think some people are more aware of harsh realities than others. Certainly one of my daughters is much more cognizant of potential fearsome consequences than my other daughter. She is much more cautious in her choices.

 

But if your son's fears are interfering with activities that he'd really like to be doing, I think you are right to be concerned.

 

nandell

[Michelle T]

I'm 44, and my entire life has been an endless struggle with phobias and anxiety. I am scared of pretty much any form of transportation, including things not usually thought of as transportation, such as amusement park rides, jet skis, those lifts at ski resorts, city buses, you name it. I am terrified of flying, boats, trains, going fast in automobiles, driving in high winds, rollercoasters, horseback riding, so many things. These fears have become much more severe over the years, and now keep me from doing many things I would like to do.

 

I have gone to counseling as an adult, which has helped somewhat. I wish my parents had taken me for counseling when I was much younger though, and before the fears had taken such deep root in my brain and multiplied. My mother is like me, afraid of everything. There is much depression, anxiety, and OCD in my family, so I at least know where I inherited it from!

 

I would suggest counseling for your DS. It sounds like his anxiety is quite deep rooted, and is interfering with his life. I wouldn't wait, because I can tell you from experience, those irrational fears become very powerful when they have time to fester inside the mind.

Michelle T

[kalanamak]

The way he presents it is almost like and irrational fear. Again I do realize it is dangerous, it is more about how he presents it, and knowing his history with fears. It is his 'hating' an activity now, not hating the chance of getting hurt.

 

 

Maybe that is just his clumsy teen way of expressing it. I personally would not snowboard or ski or be dragged behind a boat, etc. I fly if I need to get some where, but don't do fair rides. I am not a phobic person.

 

1) I get motion sickness. Some people just do. I don't generally barf, and I suffer in silence, but I suffer.

2) My parents wouldn't have spent the money on all those things and I wouldn't have had a chance to do any of them until I was grown up and could pay for them my self. I didn't fly in a jet until I was 21. Our family did group hikes, but nothing with a motor.

3) By the time I had the money, I agreed with the about-to-be badly paraphrased line in the movie My Dinner With Andre, in which Andre, the adventuresome film director has just recounted some wild experiences in North Africa and the "me" of My explains that his day is good if he gets up in the morning the coffee cup he has out for his morning cup doesn't have a cockroach in it. He then goes on to say "Not only is the cigar shop on 6th Ave just as good as the top of Mount Everest, it isn't that different."

4) Consider just backing away from this kid, and not say anything beyond "you don't want X, well, more for the rest of us" and go on your merry way without another peep about it. As a kid I didn't want to do the "fun" things my peers did. Thank goodness my parents didn't try to make me.

 

Just a thought.

[KristenS]

If he feels these fears are interfering with his life, then counseling may be in order.

 

If not ... a fear of jet-skis or planes isn't really going to ruin him. Lots of people fear those things.

 

But there's fear, and then there's fear. I have a severe panic disorder. It didn't hit me till I was an adult, but looking back (and only in retrospect) ... I was a pretty anxious child. I *might* have benefitted from counseling to help me develop better coping mechanisms before I completely fell apart. And then again, I might not have, because I wasn't bad off enough to really see a change was needed. (And I was just a kid, and when you're young you think everyone experiences the world the way you do, or at least that you'll outgrow things when you get older.)

 

In my case, I can differentiate between my panic fears and my 'regular' phobias. I'm terrified of heights, for one, but that's a 'normal' sort of fear, and I cope with it by either avoiding heights or just hanging on tight. The problem for me comes when everything in daily life triggers the same sort of terror that standing at the edge of a cliff would trigger. And no amount of reasoning can talk you down from the fear at that point ... you just have to wait it out.

 

But you're not really describing panic attacks, right? Just phobias and avoidances.

 

You might benefit from a counseling session yourself, just to get some feedback from a professional about ways you can encourage your son without pushing, and when his behaviors cross the line and need help. Sometimes an outside perspective is a good thing.

[Tap]

Thanks for everyone's feedback. It does help to know that there are others out there who understand fears and what they can do to you.

 

We really haven't pushed him about his fears before, because, well, it wasn't necessary and the activities all did have a certain amount of risk involved. We always figured that when he wanted to do something bad enough, he would have figured out a way to push through it. We felt that most of it was a maturity issue and that as he gained confidence, he would see things a little different. The calculated risk, along with good planning, and responsible behavior, all would lead to either the fears subsiding or him being able to manage them.

 

The huge red flag, was when, in 8 months, two activities that he loved, he now 'hated' because of his fears. This was different to me. This was more than just choosing to not participate in an activity. This was letting fear change him.

 

Yesterday, we did nudge him to go snowboarding. Dh stayed with him the entire day, and ds agreed that he did have fun, and wants to go again. Not with the extreme excitement that he had last year, but reasonably happy about it.

 

I think that I may go talk to a counselor about it and get a better handle on the red flags of it overtaking his life. I am sure there are somethings I can watch for, be aware of, or sense that will tell me if he is heading into an unhealthy fear level. Hopefully he/she will also be able to tell me if he would benefit now, or if he is doing okay.

 

 

I really appreciate everyone sharing their experiences, and advice. It helps so much to get some different points of view.

[KidsHappen]

For some comic relief on the subject watch "Monk". In a comedic way, it shows that even people with extreme fears and phobias can be successful in life. As Good as it Gets is also pretty funny.

[elise1mds]

I agree that counseling is probably a good way to go since these seem to be pretty much out of the blue. Given his age, it's entirely possible that hormones are causing all sorts of things, including anxiety, to emerge. I didn't have depression or anxiety before puberty, but now I battle both constantly. It's better when my hormones are in balance. Sounds like you guys are handling it very well and not making a huge deal out of it or dismissing it is sheer bunk. Thank heavens for parents like you!

[Macrina]

Is is possible he has a sensory integration disorder and his senses go haywire in these situations and he interprets it as fear?

[hitech]

What does "bump" mean ?

Suzanne

[Tap]

What does "bump" mean ?

Suzanne

 

When posts fall past the first few pages, people don't see them and don't respond.

 

Random people will "bump" a post or will make a small comment just to force the thread to the top page again.

 

Some times you will only see

 

 

"Bump"

 

 

 

other times with a comment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for the 'bump' by the way :)

[PollyOR]

We are in the middle of counseling and one of the issues is anxiety. It came on after the onset of puberty. I am very glad that we are in counseling, because I didn't realize how serious things were.

 

I did want to mention that counseling can take awhile and it isn't a magic bullet (I wish!).

 

Good luck!

[BMW]

I hope that you get some help and get to the bottom of it.

 

I have a son who is very similar, but younger. If he fell in the yard, he just wasn't going to go into the yard again... it can really get debilitating! My son happens to have aspergers and sensory integration disorder. I share that not because your son may or may not, but to share that I really do understand what these fears do in the children's lives. My nephew has the same challenges as my son and he was labeled "cautious" and that is to put it mildly! Another thing to consider, stress can make these fears worse. It might not make it go away, but having peace in life has really helped my son. My guy had other anxieties and when they decreased, his fears did, too. That said, he still deals with the basic challenge on a daily basis, in a more mild way. I will often have him try something or participate for a very short time and then he can sit out...

 

Best wishes for you and your son.