If you were going to move to another state, how would you choose?

[RoughCollie]

We may be moving to another state. Given that, as far as we can tell, we can support our family in either state, how would you choose where to live?

 

Option #1 is Pittsburgh, PA. DH likes PA because he travels there on business and finds the people to be very friendly. The weather there is the same as it is here -- rather gloomy most of the year. The cost of living is a lot lower (about 27%). We would still be living in a place with no family or friends nearby. It is much closer to KY and GA. I could drive to Louisville in one day! It would be cheaper to move to PA because DH could rent a big U-Haul truck and move us there in several trips.

 

Option #2 is San Angelo, TX. My sister lives there. It is very hot for several months out of the year, there is virtually no snow, the sun shines most of the time, humidity is low compared to Atlanta, semi-arid climate. The cost of living is low. The people are friendly. It is smack dab in the middle of TX, about 3-4 hours from a large city. Driving to KY or GA would be out of the question. We would have to pay movers.

 

Background: I moved to Massachusetts because DH got a job here and wanted to move here. I was not given a choice. I did not want to leave my perfect, wonderful life in Atlanta to move up here. I have lived here for 20 years and I do not like it, although I am used to it.

 

Every one of my friends has moved away to states with a far lower cost of living. I like the weather only from May - September. My family lives in the South (Texas, Kentucky, Georgia).

 

The way I see it, if we move to Pittsburgh, it won't be much different than living here. The one thing bright note is that we have a much higher chance of finding a one-story house to rent, which will help my knees a lot.

 

If we move to San Angelo, my sister will be there. She has offered to give us the money for a down payment on a house instead of paying cash for a new truck for herself. Her truck is 20 years old and needs to be replaced, but she is willing to make payments on it to help us out. That's the kind of sister she is. She is single, no kids. Note: We will rent a house, not take her up on her offer. There are tons of one-story houses there, too.

 

DH wants to move to PA. What DH wants, DH gets. Moving to KY or GA is not an option -- I already asked. Our friends moved to KS, FL, VA, and GA -- those states are not options either.

 

I'm getting old. I'm 52. I'd like to live in a place where I'd be comfortable. Am I being Selfish? DH says I am not taking his happiness into consideration.

 

Help me figure this out. I am about to get railroaded into moving to PA, a place with not enough sunshine, no friends, no family. A place just like this.

 

Family, friends, and sunshine are not important to DH, except for the kids and me. I don't think he will ever truly understand why they are important to me. DH probably has Asperger's Syndrome, like one of our sons has. In other words, his lack of understanding is not something he can change.

 

Please don't suggest divorce or separation. All of my friends and family have advised me to get a divorce for many years, especially since I discovered our current financial situation. That is not on the table. This family will stick together. Just tell me if I'm being Selfish and help me get my head on straight. We are in such horrible financial trouble right now (impending bankruptcy & foreclosure for DH, back taxes to IRS and state, way past due student loan payments) that for all I know the stress from that is making me not think right.

 

Edited to add: San Anglo has some drawbacks: it is more brown than green, peonies and primroses don't grow well there, the land is flat. I do prefer hills and forests and the ability to grow my favorite flowers outside. It is also literally in the middle of nowhere, with a population of about 90,000.

 

Also, it *might* be possible in PA to rent a house with a heated barn, which might have a concrete floor, which might be able to be air-conditioned, to house our book inventory of 45,000 books. If we found this miracle place, we would not have to rent office space for the book business. We rent 2300 s.f. of office space now, and 1700 s.f. is filled with bookcases.

 

Thank you,

RC

Edited February 23, 2009 by RoughCollie

[SonshineLearner]

Sorry about this.... I feel your pain! Sunshine and Friends...friends bring sunshine to your soul, at least! What does your husband like about PA? What does it bring to his mind?

 

Carrie

[Parrothead]

We don't have much choice where we can live. Either the southern border or the northern border. I hate the heat so we won't go back south unless the government says dh has to go.

 

Among the northern states the first thing I check is the homeschooling laws. We would have a pretty good shot of getting Erie, PA or Buffalo, NY, but since those states are so very regulated dh won't even put in for a transfer there. Does your dh know about PA's homeschooling laws?

 

If it were me in your situation, I'd have to look dh in the eye and tell him it is my turn to pick the place to live. He made his choice 20 years ago, and it is your turn to choose. Good luck.

[lionfamily1999]

Lol, tell your DH that most of the people new to VA are from PA ;)

 

Really, our weather's not so bad, but we do miss out on most of the snow (I know, boohoo, right?).

[RoughCollie]

What does your husband like about PA? What does it bring to his mind? Carrie

 

Money. DH thrives on working. Also, he is a Yankee who was born in a Southerner's body.

Edited February 23, 2009 by RoughCollie

[RoughCollie]

If it were me in your situation, I'd have to look dh in the eye and tell him it is my turn to pick the place to live. He made his choice 20 years ago, and it is your turn to choose. Good luck.

 

We know about the homeschooling laws in both PA and TX.

 

If DH starts making money here, again, we will probably move to Portland, ME, because the cost of living is cheaper there than it is here. We can afford to rent a house there, on other words. We'll find out in the next few weeks whether that is going to happen.

 

I thought about telling him it was my turn to choose. Then I thought, what if it doesn't work out, it will all be my fault. Do I want that responsibility? Would I rather just follow DH around and blame him when I don't like a place?

 

Am I totally brain dead? I swear I don't think I'm thinking straight.

Edited February 23, 2009 by RoughCollie

[Aggie]

It's hard to tell from your post if this is even an issue if dh gets what HE wants! Will there be a discussion? Does he know how much he'll be making in PA or TX? (Texas has no state income tax.) I can't imagine SA being more expensive than Maine or PA.

 

We moved back to Texas last summer after years in NY. I *loved* NY. Loved every second of every day there.

 

But I gotta tell you, the weather here has been sublime this winter.:001_smile: Even last summer wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

 

Also, we moved back to be closer to family and that has made the difference on days when I really miss the great northeast. If you and your sister are close, moving to SA would be great! And how generous she sounds..wow! I'm sure she would love to spend time with your dc!

 

GL...what a tough place to be.:grouphug:

[RoughCollie]

It's hard to tell from your post if this is even an issue if dh gets what HE wants! Will there be a discussion? Does he know how much he'll be making in PA or TX?

 

Yeah, I know it may not be an issue. I've been trying to get DH to help me find out whether he can make enough money in TX. He is a self-employed attorney and it depends on a couple of things: how much the state pays for indigent criminal defense, and whether that location *needs* more attorneys to do federal trial and appellate work.

 

We know for sure that PA needs more attorneys to do federal work & DH is being courted to come there. Not sure about the state work.

 

It is impossible for DH to set up a practice from scratch in a new location. It takes about 8 years for a practice to mature. DH is too old (60) for a law firm to hire him unless he has an "in", which he doesn't have.

 

Now, if I had to choose between Mass and PA, I'd just as soon stay here, which doesn't look like an option. I think Mass has a lot going for it that PA & TX don't have. We just haven't had the money to take advantage of all it has to offer. This is not a *boring* state. We have mountains, the ocean, lakes, history, and a zillion wonderful places to go and do things. And it is all within a few hours' drive in a 5-state area (not counting CT).

 

It is definitely different than Atlanta was. There, life centered around family, friends, and work. Without those, it would have been pretty darned boring compared to Mass. I want it all: family, friends, and lots of places to go and things to do, with lots of sunshine, trees, hills, no tornadoes or earthquakes, no snow, and I don't care how high the humidity is or how hot it gets.

 

We used to live in Brookline, which borders Boston, and that was a fabulous place to live. Did not need a car. Walked everywhere or took the train. Everything we needed was within 2 blocks of our house. Can't move back there, no matter what -- our former apt (rented 2 BR condo) sold recently for $650K -- so it is far too expensive for us.

 

But no yard for kids, so we moved when they were babies. Part of the problem I have is that I absolutely do not thrive in the suburbs. I am bored out of my mind here.

 

RC

Edited February 23, 2009 by RoughCollie

[Aggie]

Yeah, I know it may not be an issue. I've been trying to get DH to help me find out whether he can make enough money in TX. He is a self-employed attorney and it depends on a couple of things: how much the state pays for indigent criminal defense, and whether that location *needs* more attorneys to do federal trial and appellate work.

 

We know for sure that PA needs more attorneys to do federal work & DH is being courted to come there. Not sure about the state work.

 

It is impossible for DH to set up a practice from scratch in a new location. It takes about 8 years for a practice to mature. DH is too old (60) for a law firm to hire him unless he has an "in", which he doesn't have.

 

Now, if I had to choose between Mass and PA, I'd just as soon stay here, which doesn't look like an option. I think Mass has a lot going for it that PA & TX don't have. We just haven't had the money to take advantage of all it has to offer. This is not a *boring* state. We have mountains, the ocean, lakes, history, and a zillion wonderful places to go and do things. And it is all within a couple hours' drive.

 

We used to live in Brookline, which borders Boston, and that was a fabulous place to live. Did not need a car. Walked everywhere or took the train. Everything we needed was within 2 blocks of our house. Can't move back there, no matter what -- our former apt (rented) sold recently for $750K.

 

But no yard for kids, so we moved when they were babies. Part of the problem I have is that I absolutely do not thrive in the suburbs. I am bored out of my mind here.

 

RC

 

 

I love NY for the same reasons you like Mass. It is a great area!

 

Have you been to San Angelo? You may not be happy there, either. It's not a booming metropolis...kind of a slow paced life style.

[RoughCollie]

I just wanted to add that I have been praying about this. I asked God to make it dummy-proof, to hit me over the head with a 2 x 4 if that is what it takes to make me know what He wants us to do. (DH is praying too, but I get the impression he thinks God doesn't involve himself in our everyday lives and is just doing it in case it works or to humor me.)

 

Right now, I'm so scared out of my mind about our situation that I don't know if I'd hear God or know that it was God I am hearing if He does give me (us) direction on what to do.

 

Basically, I am praying that His will be done in my life, no matter what and for Him to force me to do it if that is what it takes. Free will is great, but my free will may screw things up even more, and probably helped this situation along. I told Him I am making a free will choice to be His puppet. I don't know if He will take me up on it. So far, I don't feel like a marionette.

 

I tried to take responsibility for my part in it, but I got bogged down in that. I can't figure out what I did wrong under the circumstances. Then I think the circumstances are just excuses. A deacon at church said that I was trying to apportion blame. Maybe so -- I'm trying to find out where I am to blame instead of laying it all on DH, so I can own up to my part. That seems like a good way to go, to me, but it is like chasing my tail (if I had one). I can't even figure that much out.

 

I wish someone with a clear, working mind could view a (speeded-up) video of my life and point out to me where I went wrong. If I knew that, I wouldn't make those mistakes again.

 

I don't deserve His help. I know that.

 

RC

Edited February 23, 2009 by RoughCollie

[RoughCollie]

Have you been to San Angelo? You may not be happy there, either. It's not a booming metropolis...kind of a slow paced life style.

 

I'm used to the slow pace of the South. I like it. I feel relaxed and happy (a big difference) when I go to Louisville, which is a small city (IMO) without much to do in it. This is mostly because I've got a ton of relatives there -- built-in friends. Also, the ambiance is different. My kids cannot believe how many people I "know" when we go to Louisville. The vast majority of those folks are total strangers and we get to talking. That sort of thing does not ever happen here.

 

My sister said that the folks in San Angelo are very friendly like that, even more so than in Atlanta back when we used to live there.

 

The friendliest people here are in western Mass -- the difference between the Boston metro area and western Mass is remarkable.

Edited February 23, 2009 by RoughCollie

[PollyOR]

Just out of curiosity. Are the books part of your private collection or part of a business?

 

When DH got out of the Navy, we moved all of our belongings to FL and went on a trip to his home state (Oregon). And 13 years later here I am in Oregon. I've grown comfortable here but honestly, sometimes I resent not being able to choose where I live.

 

One of the things that always impresses me about the story of Rebekah in the Bible is how the servant made a plan and then acted on it. I tend to want the answer given to me without having to act, but the servant made a plan first. Maybe if you make a plan and start acting on it the Lord will open doors for you if that is what he wants you to do or close doors if it isn't the best choice for your family. I hope that makes sense.

 

:grouphug: Sorry you are under such stress.

[RoughCollie]

Just out of curiosity. Are the books part of your private collection or part of a business?

 

One of the things that always impresses me about the story of Rebekah in the Bible is how the servant made a plan and then acted on it. I tend to want the answer given to me without having to act, but the servant made a plan first. Maybe if you make a plan and start acting on it the Lord will open doors for you if that is what he wants you to do or close doors if it isn't the best choice for your family. I hope that makes sense.

 

:grouphug: Sorry you are under such stress.

 

The 45,000 books are the inventory for our bookstore. DH started out wanting to sell some of his personal books because we didn't have room for them all. Then he grew the business because he liked it, especially the treasure hunt aspect. Most of the books are out of print children's books, because DH and I are collectors so it was natural to specialize in those because we already knew a lot about them.

 

I get what you mean about making a plan. It's kind of like my method: Do something, and even if it is the wrong path, it will lead you to the right thing. This is instead of sitting around wondering what to do.

 

I have several plans, but they are contingent on what happens, which is out of our direct control. It's like this: If DH gets work in Mass., we will likely move to Maine because house and office rent is cheaper there. If he gets work and Obama's mortgage plan helps us so that we don't lose the house, we may stay here.

 

If DH doesn't get work here, then we will move to either PA or TX. We know DH can get work in PA, but we haven't found out all the info we need about working in TX. What is in our control is where to move if that is necessary, which it probably will be. I think it is 75% likely that we will have to move out of New England, hopefully not until the end of June since we have two kids in school.

[TXMomof4]

Right now, I'm so scared out of my mind about our situation that I don't know if I'd hear God or know that it was God I am hearing if He does give me (us) direction on what to do.

 

Basically, I am praying that His will be done in my life, no matter what and for Him to force me to do it if that is what it takes. Free will is great, but my free will may screw things up even more, and probably helped this situation along. I told Him I am making a free will choice to be His puppet. I don't know if He will take me up on it. So far, I don't feel like a marionette.

 

I tried to take responsibility for my part in it, but I got bogged down in that. I can't figure out what I did wrong under the circumstances. Then I think the circumstances are just excuses. A deacon at church said that I was trying to apportion blame. Maybe so -- I'm trying to find out where I am to blame instead of laying it all on DH, so I can own up to my part. That seems like a good way to go, to me, but it is like chasing my tail (if I had one). I can't even figure that much out.

 

I wish someone with a clear, working mind could view a (speeded-up) video of my life and point out to me where I went wrong. If I knew that, I wouldn't make those mistakes again.

 

I don't deserve His help. I know that.

 

RC

 

 

Sweetie,

None of us deserve his help. But he does it anyway. Isn't that what is so amazing about God?

 

Now, take a deep breath. Stop and ask what you can do today to make tomorrow better and stop there. I know this doesn't help figure out what to do about next month, but it certainly makes it easier to know that today is today and God has promised to take care of tomorrow.

 

Right now my dh is trying to transition from National Guard to the 'regular' Army and that means I have NO idea what is coming in the next few months. We may move. We may not. If we move, I have *NO* idea where we'd be moving. Now, it's different from your situation in that I love my home here. I'm relatively close to family. I have an amazing church with unbelievable friend. But I totally support DH's attempts to change. Unfortunately, I hate not knowing what's coming. In my worst moments I'm panicked about the future. I'm panicked about the idea of leaving. I'm panicked about the idea of not moving. I'm hysterical when I consider all of the changes that *might* be coming. But I have to rest with the knowledge that God knows and will make things happen the way that is best for us if we are seeking him.

 

I wish I had better advice to offer. Of course, in my mind there is never a contest between TX and another state (unless you're talking about Lubbock - blech). But God will put you where he needs and wants you if you are actively seeking his will. And if your husband hears differently than you do, I believe God will honor your efforts at honoring your husband.

 

:grouphug:

 

ETA: re above post - I just finished a study about making plans. The perspective was a little different - the basic idea was that we spend so much time waiting for God to tell us what to do, we eventually get bogged down and do nothing. The catchphrase for this study was "Go til God tells you NO." If you are doing everything you can to do his will and don't feel like you've had a strong answer one way or the other, keep going. Just a little different approach than the idea of pray and wait.

Edited February 23, 2009 by TXMomof4

[Tracey in TX]

Not being a native Texan, I'm not fond of most of the smaller towns, San Angelo included. It takes a special, laid-back person to appreciate it. It's way too small, hick-town for my taste. (DH had an opportunity to relo there, but I really hated it. Lubbock was the big city, and after living there for 6 years couldn't wait to leave the panhandle and central Texas.) What do you want from your next home/town? Is it to be near family? Low cost of living? Cultural activities? Fast or slow paced lifestyle? Access to airport?

 

That would help in your decision.

 

The only places I would consider would be areas of Chicago, IL; Atlanta, Ga, Raleigh, NC, or Austin, TX. Basically similar cost of living,demographics, education, and cultural environments to where we currently live.

[rafiki]

.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My opinion:

 

1. Take a deep breath! God has promised to take care of you because of your relationship to Him. He is faithful and totally able. I believe that He wants us to try and make wise choices and you are doing that by comparing areas, prices etc. You can pray that He will close off an option for you to make it simpler. You are not responsible for making an infallible decision. If you move somewhere and have difficulties (and we all do no matter where we move) then God will help you through those difficulties too.

 

2. You are not selfish for wanting to be closer to family. But it isn't always the financially wisest decision.

 

3. My vote (you asked for this!): I would actually vote for Pittsburgh with the little bit of information I have. Your dh has contacts there and is being courted to go there. I don't know enough about this but I also wonder if being in a bigger city might improve his chances of getting clients. Also - you are actually closer to more family this way, it sounds like (unless I totally read your previous posts wrong). Yes, you would be really close to your sister in San Angelo, but in Pittsburgh you are within driving distance of more places and people that are special to you. Get your dh to promise that if you move to Pittsburgh that you will be able to drive to visit "home" for the holidays or for a summer vacation.

[SapphireStitch]

Wow...what a load of stress to be dealing with! Praying for you here, because God knows exactly where He wants you to be even though He hasn't made it clear to you yet.

 

Two bits of opinion that may or may not be of help:

 

1. I've been to Pittsburgh with DH on a business trip and hated it. It was in November and I thought the place was ugly and we kept getting lost. BUT...every person from PA who has heard me say that has told me I'm 100% wrong. So it must have some great compensating factors that make it a wonderful place to live versus visiting, right? :001_smile:

 

2. If I were having to make this decision right now the first thing I would be concerned about is whether we could find a good church in the city of choice. Second thing would be whether DH would have work. Third would be homeschool laws. And fourth would be my like or dislike of the place. (And after having typed that up, I have to remind myself that God is NOT the kind of god who will now make me move to Florida to prove I mean what I say...)

[JFSinIL]

I would be looking for a state in which my son with autism will be able to find a group home and/or a day job with support. Here in Illinois there is NOTHING for him once he ages out of school in a few years.

 

Which means I do not leave home unless he is with me or someone is home with him.