Tackle which issue 1st?

[LibrarianMom]

DH and I are also having dd issues. The issues seem to revolve largely around too much TV and not taking responsibility for her possessions. DH and I have decided we really need a whole new approach and are going to be reading several parenting books together to make sure we're on the same page. We're hesitant to lay down a lot of ground rules and consequences right now before we've read the books and figure out what our new tactic is yet we really can't afford to let the issue continue much longer. So in your BTDT opinions, do we tackle the TV or the responsibility for her possessions first?

[Plaid Dad]

I would start with the TV. Without that distraction, she'll be better able to focus on her surroundings and her responsibilities. I have known so many people who say that their children's behavior changed dramatically when they pulled the plug on the TV (and other "screens").

 

For the record, I'm an anti-TV zealot, so there's your grain of salt. :)

[Jen500]

I'd start with the television, because that's something you as a parent have control over. What has worked well for our family is just not watching tv for a while. It helps that we don't have cable. The kids quickly stop asking about the tv and find other things to do. Then I've let them watch specific shows or videos in the evening, after dinner but before reading/bedtime stuff. So they know when they might watch a show (evening) and don't ask at other time of the day. That's what works for us-just an example-so you and your dh might want to decide the approach you prefer. How much time and what kinds of shows, etc. Good luck-I'm still working on your other issue (responsibility for stuff) with my dc! :)

[FriedClams]

With her gone I would unplug the TV and store it in a friend's basement (if I wanted it back) or drop it off at goodwill. Problem 1 solved.

 

For the responsibility thing - it depends on the age. An older kid (say 9 and up) I would do natural consequences and not buying anything new for her for any reason. Church shoes eaten by dog - bummer - trash. No new shoes. Don't care they were her favorite or her only church shoes - time to go to church in ugly boots for awhile. Cell phone lost - bummer - save up herself to replace it. School book left on porch in rain - bummer - she buys a new one. Nothing emotional - just a bummer and what she needs to do to handle it. NOTHING new from you or DH. If she's younger - it's still training time and things go into a box to be earned back at your rate!

 

As for books - there are lots - but if you have a problem you need to deal with it now. You and DH sit down, define the problem and what you want to see it replaced with - and make a plan. Then - stick with the plan. You are a parent. You have a great gut. You know your kid more than any book and in your guy you know what you need to do. Come up with a plan and stick with it.

[AnnetteB]

:iagree: "Raising a Responsible Child" is a good book on the topic.

[Danestress]

In the sense that you have to work on it over time. TV is something with an "off" button and at the age your daughter is, parents pretty much have total control.

 

You can "tackle" the tv in 2 minutes by just turning it off and refusing to turn it on - you can put it in the attic for a while if you want. You may have to deal with how she "feels" about it, but then it's not really the tv you are dealing with but her attitude.

 

SO I would just turn the tv off and tell her that there is nothing on that your family wants to watch. Or if you want to watch movies on Friday tell her - just tell her what the new "deal" is.

 

I think you can tackle that and possessions at the same time, but with possessions, I think that's a lot of just training yourself to be really alert and on top of what's going on. My kids have been through stages when it felt like they were not being responsible for belongings, but part of the "training" was training myself to just be alert all the time. "Did you put your bike in the garage? Go outside and do that now." At your daughter's age, a lot of it is going to be parental reminders and supervision.

[myfunnybunch]

I would also go for tv limitations first. Young children don't need a lot of television anyway. :-)

 

Oops! just realized I read the wrong birthdate and was thinking of your younger child. Sorry. Still, What are your expectations when you say "not taking responsibility for her possessions"? Caring for possessions is quite a challenge at this age (still, lol). My four y.o. happily takes care of his things with gentle prompting, for example, but I can't imagine him taking on complete care for picking up his things quite yet. Adding: My 8 y.o. still needs reminding, but is able to keep track of things more easily. But no matter what the age, meeting then child right where she is is important. Think of the larger skill "taking care of possessions" as a ladder, each rung as a separate subskill. I'd focus on teaching one skill, perhaps cleaning up when asked, for now. Cleaning up with help when asked turns into cleaning up without help when asked which leads to cleaning up without being asked and so forth.

 

Now that I think of it, I guess that doesn't really answer the question--tv first or taking care of stuff first? So let me backtrack and re-answer. I'd tackle both by limiting television and choosing an age- and family-appropriate skill to teach regarding caring for possessions. :-)

 

Cat

Edited January 26, 2009 by myfunnybunch

[Jumping In Puddles]

I would go as far as completely removing the tv. Then there is no fighting, no bargaining, no pleading. If there is no TV in the house, that problem is completely SOLVED.

 

Then I would tackle the next problem and I'm interested in what advice you get about that. My kids don't respect property either and it makes me crazy. Good Luck!

[E_Edgerton]

I agree with previous posters about taking control over the TV first. It just seems like the easiest and most logical start. However with the responsibility of possessions...When I was young, my Mother would simply take away what I didn't care for properly. If I left my toys out after being told to clean them up, they were gone the next day. I learned pretty quickly that if I cared about my toys, games, etc. I needed to take responsibility for them. However, I feel like you and your DH are going to learn many tactics by reading some books on the subject. Good luck.

[E_Edgerton]

I agree with previous posters about taking control over the TV first. It just seems like the easiest and most logical start. However with the responsibility of possessions...When I was young, my Mother would simply take away what I didn't care for properly. If I left my toys out after being told to clean them up, they were gone the next day. I learned pretty quickly that if I cared about my toys, games, etc. I needed to take responsibility for them. This isn't really advice as much as my personal experience. However, I feel like you and your DH are going to learn many tactics by reading some books on the subject. Good luck.

[Snickerdoodle]

Since others have already talked about getting rid of tv time I won't say anything about that.

 

But if your daughter is having trouble taking care of her possessions my feeling on the subject is that she has too many possessions. Period. I think kids these days are overwhelmed with stuff.

[lllll]

So in your BTDT opinions, do we tackle the TV or the responsibility for her possessions first?

 

I agree with others that the TV is the fastest and most painless, so I'd solve that instantly.

 

Before tackling the possessions, however, you may want to step back and take an objective look at the actual quantitiy of 'things' you're asking her to take responsibility for, and see whether she just has too much for a child her age to keep track of. It might be easier to start her with just a few possessions vs a whole roomful, no matter what teaching method you decide on later. You could store some away until she consistently demonstrates that she's able/willing to keep up with a few - then, if she even misses the stored items, return them a few at a time.

 

Just an idea. HTH