imeverywoman Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Please give her your honest opinions of her paragraph. Susan Wright was a very pretty girl. She had three children: Wilbur, Orville, and Katharine. One day they went out for a picnic and suddenly Susan said, "I'm getting a chill out here." Then the children looked up and said, "Look how dark the clouds are." After Susan remarked, "It's about to snow. We should head home." Thanks. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newlifemom Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Yes, but .. . not a very coherent or informative one. I'd write more but have to homeschool. Weird huh? :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 It is a paragraph, but... she needs to examine her organization. The ideas are not connected in a coherent manner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 It's actually three paragraphs, as each new quotation should begin a new paragraph. I agree that more words could make it clearer, and help it flow better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 I agree. I would review how quotes and dialogue work by showing her in another book and maybe encouraging her te expand on her ideas. Also, I think a sentence at the end to sum up her ideas would be great. HTH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newlifemom Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 I just wanted you all to know that I finished for the day. So there:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imeverywoman Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 needed to get an outside opinion so she would see that it's not just Mom being hard on her. Oh, the patience it is going to take to raise this child. *sigh* Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 She's still young; she'll grow and write better paragraph's when she's interested in the topic. You give her the tools now and she'll use them later. I was just reading my 10 year old's paper that has 3 paragraphs on it. WOW, I have to believe that her writing will improve with age and maturity. Carrie:-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 It is a paragraph but it isn't cohesive. (I am done homeschooling today because I have half as many children to deal with as Pam ). This is what I would tell my kids.... Her intro sentance has nothing to do with the rest of the paragraph. The fact that this woman is pretty is nice but the rest of the information has nothing to do with her looks. I would cross out the first sentance and help her rework the next sentance to include Susan's name and the fact that she has 3 children. Then I would split that sentance and separate out the information so you end up with something like this "One day Susan Wright and her three children went out for a picnic" . This topic sentance tells the reader what the rest of the paragraph is going to be about - a picnic. The second half of that sentance becomes your second sentance. "Suddenly Susan said, "I'm getting a chill out here."' If you wanted to add in the children's names you would replace "the children" in the next sentance with their names. This sentance, "After Susan remarked, "It's about to snow. We should head home." needs to be changed to "After that, Susan remarked, "It's about to snow. We should head home."' Then it would be good to have a sentance to wrap up the paragraph that indicates they packed up the picnic and left. I am really hard core about paragraph organization but this is what I would do with my kids. Always go back tot he topic sentance and ask if the sentance you wrote relates, makes sense and adds necessary information in an interesting way. Also, I always start them out writing non-fiction instead of fiction. Dialogue is hard and I think it should be saved for after they can easily write a cohesive non-fiction paragraph. :iagree: What she said! Cadam, would you be my daughter's English teacher? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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