Jump to content


10yodd would like to know if this is a paragraph.

Recommended Posts

Please give her your honest opinions of her paragraph.


Susan Wright was a very pretty girl. She had three children: Wilbur, Orville, and Katharine. One day they went out for a picnic and suddenly Susan said, "I'm getting a chill out here." Then the children looked up and said, "Look how dark the clouds are." After Susan remarked, "It's about to snow. We should head home."


Thanks. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is a paragraph but it isn't cohesive. (I am done homeschooling today because I have half as many children to deal with as Pam ). This is what I would tell my kids....


Her intro sentance has nothing to do with the rest of the paragraph. The fact that this woman is pretty is nice but the rest of the information has nothing to do with her looks.


I would cross out the first sentance and help her rework the next sentance to include Susan's name and the fact that she has 3 children. Then I would split that sentance and separate out the information so you end up with something like this "One day Susan Wright and her three children went out for a picnic" . This topic sentance tells the reader what the rest of the paragraph is going to be about - a picnic. The second half of that sentance becomes your second sentance. "Suddenly Susan said, "I'm getting a chill out here."' If you wanted to add in the children's names you would replace "the children" in the next sentance with their names.


This sentance, "After Susan remarked, "It's about to snow. We should head home." needs to be changed to "After that, Susan remarked, "It's about to snow. We should head home."'


Then it would be good to have a sentance to wrap up the paragraph that indicates they packed up the picnic and left.


I am really hard core about paragraph organization but this is what I would do with my kids. Always go back tot he topic sentance and ask if the sentance you wrote relates, makes sense and adds necessary information in an interesting way. Also, I always start them out writing non-fiction instead of fiction. Dialogue is hard and I think it should be saved for after they can easily write a cohesive non-fiction paragraph.



What she said!


Cadam, would you be my daughter's English teacher?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Create New...