Tenaj Posted June 30, 2022 Share Posted June 30, 2022 (edited) Thanks for all who responded. I knew there would be wise counsel here 🙂 Edited June 30, 2022 by Tenaj 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cintinative Posted June 30, 2022 Share Posted June 30, 2022 (edited) My understanding is that statistically, most abusers do not change. Also that couples counseling in the case of abuse never works. And, statistically, he is likely to become violent again. This wife needs a lot of prayer even if they beat the odds. I would NOT want my kid to end a relationship with a friend because his dad was violent, but I would want to offer some caution as to the circumstances for meet ups. Personally, I would not be comfortable being where the husband was present but that is because I have had the misfortune of hearing stories about abusive spouses from friends. They are unpredictable. Most are unlikely to do something in public, but YMMV. However, I am a woman, not an 18 year old boy. So, YMMV. ETA: I agree. Do not ask the wife. Edited June 30, 2022 by cintinative 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted June 30, 2022 Share Posted June 30, 2022 I think it's overstepping. You know they're in counseling and that's enough. If you're uncomfortable you can not go. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenaj Posted June 30, 2022 Author Share Posted June 30, 2022 5 minutes ago, Slache said: I think it's overstepping. You know they're in counseling and that's enough. If you're uncomfortable you can not go. Well, I can't go - my dh and I have another commitment so it would be my ds(18), ds(14) and dd(12) attending the party at their house. The easiest thing would be for me to not let my two youngest go but then I think of their youngest (best friends with my youngest) and I feel so bad for her 😟 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HomeAgain Posted June 30, 2022 Share Posted June 30, 2022 This may be a different mindset, but I wanted to keep a few things in mind before I answered: 1. There was probably domestic violence before you knew about it. 2. What is the likelihood of something happening while your kids are there? 3. Do they have a way out if it does? 4. What are your detailed concerns about this day? 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted June 30, 2022 Share Posted June 30, 2022 I don't think there is any danger to your own kids if they attend the party, and I would not want to further punish the other kids by losing friendships at what is certainly a difficult time for them. I would not want the wife to feel that she and her kids were being isolated or ostracized because of events that were out of their control. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hshibley Posted June 30, 2022 Share Posted June 30, 2022 I would let the 18 yo make their own decision. I would probably send all 3 assuming your 18 yo has a car and will be taking it with them. I would talk to the 18 yo about taking everyone home if things get uncomfortable.  I’d encourage your kids to invite the other kids to your house more. I would not send the 12 yo over for extended periods by of time alone. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmandaVT Posted June 30, 2022 Share Posted June 30, 2022 4 minutes ago, hshibley said: I would let the 18 yo make their own decision. I would probably send all 3 assuming your 18 yo has a car and will be taking it with them. I would talk to the 18 yo about taking everyone home if things get uncomfortable.  I’d encourage your kids to invite the other kids to your house more. I would not send the 12 yo over for extended periods by of time alone. This is what I was going to say too - if your 18yr old is comfortable judging if things start to feel unsafe, let them go. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenaj Posted June 30, 2022 Author Share Posted June 30, 2022 29 minutes ago, HomeAgain said: This may be a different mindset, but I wanted to keep a few things in mind before I answered: 1. There was probably domestic violence before you knew about it. 2. What is the likelihood of something happening while your kids are there? 3. Do they have a way out if it does? 4. What are your detailed concerns about this day? (1) Yes, I'm sure of it and honestly have suspected for a long time that something was "off" but no actual evidence and none of my kids have ever mentioned anything. (2) I've thought of that, too. I'm fairly certain kids are safe when there and actually realized after I posted that usually this party involves more than just my kids so there will be a larger group there. (3) Not really. 18 year old does not drive and they are a half hour away from us or anyone in our family that can get there. On the other hand, I'm fairly sure that one of my 18yods other friends who I hold in high regard will be there and he has a car. I'm sure that if something did happen that was uncomfortable or unsafe they would all stick together. (4) The only concern I had is that now that the course case is over, he may be back at home. I do trust the mom because she has never been anything but loving and careful with my kids.  Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenaj Posted June 30, 2022 Author Share Posted June 30, 2022 24 minutes ago, hshibley said: I would let the 18 yo make their own decision. I would probably send all 3 assuming your 18 yo has a car and will be taking it with them. I would talk to the 18 yo about taking everyone home if things get uncomfortable.  I’d encourage your kids to invite the other kids to your house more. I would not send the 12 yo over for extended periods by of time alone. No car for the 18yo unfortunately. That would make a difference - see my other answer though that I'm fairly certain another friend will be there with a car and that they would all stick together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenaj Posted June 30, 2022 Author Share Posted June 30, 2022 35 minutes ago, Corraleno said: I don't think there is any danger to your own kids if they attend the party, and I would not want to further punish the other kids by losing friendships at what is certainly a difficult time for them. I would not want the wife to feel that she and her kids were being isolated or ostracized because of events that were out of their control. This is what I've been concerned about! The girls are going through a bit of distancing just because of maturity levels (my dd is almost 13, friend is just 10). They are involved in different groups now and my dd has branched out a bit with sports and social activities that don't involve her friend so they don't have quite as much in common as they used to. I don't want a natural distancing that's happening because of interests to become twisted up into the family issues with the younger girl feeling left out.  Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenaj Posted June 30, 2022 Author Share Posted June 30, 2022 Thanks for all of your thoughts and advice. It helped me clarify what the issues are and how to keep the relationships going forward in a good way for all involved. I'm going to delete the original post now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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