Appropriate reaction to 17yo who might not pass college math class?

[StephinAL]

We told her we would help her by getting a tutor. She didn't like the idea but went one time and said that was all the help she needed. Never once has she come to us to help her understand a concept. She has a math lab available at college which she has used on occasion. I feel like she spends too much time texting, myspacing and socializing at school and not enough time studying. She says that she can't spend all her time studying (I don't think she comes even close!). I told her "oh, yes she can beccause there are kids who do when they really want to pass a class." She does work three days a week but I feel like if she would manage her time better she wouldn't be struggling. Her grades are passing, but if she doesn't finish two more modules before the end of next week, it won't be completed and she would have to pick back up next semester where she left off by re-enrolling in the class again (which I don't think she can put into her schedule because she is already signed up for other classes). Why does she need this class? Because she will not graduate from middle collge/highschool in May without it. This is actually a remedial class and I know she is capable of the work. What would you do and I'll tell you what we did to see if we get the bad parents award today.

[JFSinIL]

Let Her Fail.

 

It is the kindest thing to do - let her take the repercussions of not studying. If she has to go and redo her schedule to fit in re-taking the class, then she will learn to manage her time better and not mess-up in the future. You can tell her to study until you are blue in the face, but ultimately SHE has to make herself study.

 

My dd, 15, sounds just like your 17-yr-old! Have you gotten the line yet, "The more you tell me to do something the longer I will take to do it!" or variations thereof? :glare: Some of this is the need to grow-up - some of it is a power-play.

 

Let her know, calmly and without acting like you care (that eliminates the power-play), that if she does not pass she will ahve to quit her job, too, to devote more time to school (this may make her cut back on the social stuff if she really needs/wants the job/$).

Edited December 4, 2008 by JFSinIL

[Renee in NC]

Let Her Fail.

 

It is the kindest thing to do - let her take the repercussions of not studying. If she has to go and redo her schedule to fit in re-taking the class, then she will learn to manage her time better and not mess-up in the future. You can tell her to study until you are blue in the face, but ultimately SHE has to make herself study.

 

My dd, 15, sounds just like your 17-yr-old! Have you gotten the line yet, "The more you tell me to do something the longer I will take to do it!" or variations thereof? :glare: Some of this is the need to grow-up - some of it is a power-play.

 

Let her know, calmly and without acting like you care (that eliminates the power-play), that if she does not pass she will ahve to quit her job, too, to devote more time to school (this may make her cut back on the social stuff if she really needs/wants the job/$).

 

:iagree:

[Pamela H in Texas]

I'm not sure I totally understand but basically....

 

I'd let her fail.

I'd let her deal with the consequences of failing.

If I paid for the class, she'd be paying me back.

[Julie in CA]

In my ds's case though, he will still graduate from high school on time, so there isn't a huge penalty. He will take the class again (even if he actually passes) because clearly he needs more work on Algebra. That's the reward for not applying himself--he has to go through the whole thing again. I'm sure he'll enjoy it more the second time around! ;)

 

Oh, and btw, even if it meant a semester delay in graduation, I'd still be requiring my ds to take it again. It would feel like a "BIG DEAL" for him to graduate later than planned, but in the end it would be a relatively cheap life lesson, imo.

 

(So what did you decide?)

 

ETA: As others have mentioned, I do have my ds repay me for any class where he receives less than a B grade (without extenuating circumstances). If I could tell he'd tried his hardest, and then his grade was a C, it's ok, but only if I can tell he's really trying.

Edited December 4, 2008 by Julie in CA

[Haiku]

It's her class. If she doesn't pass, it's her problem. She has a job? She can pay for the class next semester and figure out how to re-arrange her schedule.

 

My 14 year old was failing math. She refused my suggestions and her teacher's invitations to come for after-school tutoring and my offers of help/drills at home. It wasn't until she saw the F on her report card that she realized she'd better do something about it. She went to tutoring, worked at home, and got a B on the next report.

 

Tara

[Ria]

Let her fail. Make her pay to retake the class.

 

Ria

[PinkInTheBlue]

Let her fail. Make her pay to retake the class.

 

Ria

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Annie G]

Been there, done that. Our policy is that we might offer to help ( like your offer of a tutor) but it's up to the student to put forth the required effort.

Our middle daughter challenged our rules. She quickly learned that if she made a C or lower, she had to pay that class tuition back to us as well as the tuition if she needed to retake a class.

But there might be some hope: this daughter is now 23 and doing well in her job. She's been a pharmacy tech for a year but she is taking the certification test next week, which will give her a salary boost. She's learned.

[Quiver0f10]

Let her fail. Make her pay to retake the class.

 

Ria

 

 

:iagree:

[StephinAL]

Well, my dh's reaction was to take away her cell phone use (except in the case of an emergency), networking on the computer and hanging out with friends or boyfriend. I am not sure though for how long. I don't want to make her our prisoner as I don't think that will breed anything but contention. I like the wisdom of her paying for the class and reworking her own schedule. I'll talk to my dh about it, but truthfully I think he likes having a reason to keep her from spending time with her boyfriend or friends (they are not bad, but just a whole 'nother issue) and will want to stick to his guns. I actually think she could drop one of her classes to take this one if the schedule would allow and still qualify for full time status which is necessary to stay enrolled. But maybe I should let her figure that out.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I agree and want to add - who is paying for her my space access and texting? If you are and she is abusing these, you are within your rights to say "Nope, not on my dime." Cut off her texting - you can block it. Block access from home to her computer play sites.

[Haiku]

Punishment will just make her mad at you. The natural consequences will make her mad at herself. Don't make it your problem.

 

Ayup.

 

Tara

Edited December 4, 2008 by TaraTheLiberator
Because I spelled my name wrong (???)

[StephinAL]

She pays for her cell phone with the money she earns from her job and she uses internet here and at school. She uses my laptop at school because she needs one.

 

Punishment will just make her mad at you. The natural consequences will make her mad at herself. Don't make it your problem.

That is exactly what I was thinking this morning. I wanted her to own this problem and be angry with herself because she created it. I see how we didn't help that happen.

Edited December 4, 2008 by StephinAL

[Renee in NC]

She pays for her cell phone with the money she earns from her job and she uses internet here and at school. She uses my laptop at school because she needs one.

 

I would think that this won't be all that effective. I would have done this with a 12yo, but not a 17yo - she is almost an adult and I would treat her that way. If you fail in the real world, you have to face the consequences and generally that doesn't include someone taking away your cell phone.:D

[Julie in CA]

I'll talk to my dh about it, but truthfully I think he likes having a reason to keep her from spending time with her boyfriend or friends (they are not bad, but just a whole 'nother issue) and will want to stick to his guns.

 

This part makes me worry, a bit. I'd separate the consequences of the class from the issue of friends/boyfriends. Trying to alienate her from her friends (whether good or bad) will probably make the problem worse, whereas making it really an issue of educational success might make her reconsider (of her own volition) spending as much time socializing.

[Danestress]

To me, it's a perfectly acceptable option to say, "I am not paying for a cell phone for a girl who won't do her school work, especially if I think part of the problem is that she's yakking on the phone all the time."

 

But since your daughter is working three days a week, I assume she's footing this bill anyway.

 

I might tell a daughter, "You can't have a job unless you maintain a 3.0 gpa" but your econmic circumstances might make her job necessary. In my experience, a lot of time teen jobs are simply funding the car, the phone, the computer. Without a job, she couldn't have those things, which would be perfectly acceptable to me.

 

I know I am probably not in the majority, but I did not permit my teenager to make the Ds that he would have thought were perfectly acceptable. And he's thanked me for that in recent years. I believed that maintaining a B average with nothing lower than a C was his primary job in life. If he couldn't manage that, he didn't get to have extras like a car to drive, a phone to talk on, a job, sports etc.

 

 

Edited to say that I am assuming she's in high school but taking a college class. If she's actually a college student, I would totally stay out of it. She does't have to be in college at all - her choice. My only rule would be that the only ADULT child who lives with me is the child who is a full time college student making a 3.0 gpa and behaving in a way that makes me happy to have her there. If she's 17 but in school full time, I would just let her know that I am not paying for college unless she maintains an acceptable gpa, and that the day she's 18 if she's not in college and performing accpetably, she's finding an apartment of her own.

Edited December 4, 2008 by Danestress