Elder care: How to handle nights? Any book recommendations for elder care?

[Harriet Vane]

My elderly father-in-law is moving in with us in just under a month. He has dementia with some other health issues. He is weak and very frail with a lot of stiffness.

--Any been-there-done-that experience on handling nights--frequent night waking, bathroom needs, etc.?

--Can you recommend any books or resources to support us in this journey?

 

Thanks!

 

ANOTHER QUESTION--PLEASE HELP

Here is the other thread I started. Please help if you can.

 

Edited July 25, 2020 by Harriet Vane

[NorthwestMom]

Depending on the level of care he needs overnight, perhaps some of it could be covered by an older teenager as a job?  Teens (whose bodies want to stay up later anyway) could be paid to stay awake and available and perhaps to do some quiet chores, like laundry, food prep for the following day, quiet cleaning, etc. 

I have been there and it is hard.  You cannot be the only caregiver, you will need help. Hugs to you. 

 

[katilac]

1 hour ago, Seasider too said:

 Things that help the elder are a very regular daily schedule, much as if he were in school or a small child. Meals and other activities of daily life occur regularly at the same time of day or evening. There are clocks that can also help with orientation to the day - I’ll try to link one. 
 

If you have family members near, make a schedule for respite care for yourself. It is impossible to be on endless duty 24/7 without eventually incurring exhaustion or injury. Don’t ask them what they can do, tell them what you need them to do and what assistance you expect from them. 
 

I think many of us in quarantine need that clock right about now! 

Hmm, I can't say I'd be too impressed with my siblings or cousins telling me what to do and what they expect from me, particularly not right off of the bat. I'd be much more amenable to a discussion - I guess somewhere in between, not asking them what they can do, but also not just telling them, I expect X, Y, and Z. It's not a question of not wanting to help, but more that nobody knows enough about my life and current responsibilities to simply hand me a list and say, you have to do this. 

1 hour ago, NorthwestMom said:

Depending on the level of care he needs overnight, perhaps some of it could be covered by an older teenager as a job?   

I know you said depending on the level of care, so this is more of a general, musing response.

They would have to be really level-headed, confident, and preferably not too squeamish, lol. The minor chores can be helpful for sure, but it would take a special teen to be available for things like helping them in the bathroom and keeping them content and safe. Lots of older people with dementia can get really argumentative over safety issues and needed help, and it's a heavy load for a young person if something would happen on their watch. It's really tough for anyone, don't get me wrong, but I think many teens would have a harder time with guilt if something happened. 

Regarding bathroom needs and general help getting up and walking: keep in mind that the person helping with this needs to be quite strong. I can right off the bat think of three people in my life who have been moderately to severely injured because they were helping someone get out of bed or walk to the bathroom. You have to both know what you're doing and be strong enough to do it. Do some searching and you can probably find instructions and even videos, or you might ask your local council on aging for resources. If somebody could actually train you on how to do it, as opposed to learning by reading or watching, that is ideal. 

The council can probably help you with a list of adjustments to make to the house as well: toilet bar, shower bar, motion sensor lights that go on when he gets out of bed, safety covers for stove knobs so he doesn't accidentally turn it on or turn it on and forget it while everyone is sleeping, safety covers for the door to the basement so he doesn't think he's entering another room and falls. There's tons of stuff you can do that isn't terribly expensive, you just have to be aware of it. 

Best of luck to all of you. 

[athena1277]

When my dad’s dementia got bad he was already sleeping in another room from my mom because their bed was kind of high and just not safe for him anymore.  She bought a baby monitor to be able to hear him when he needed her at night. I don’t know if that would be enough in your situation, but it’s not too expensive if it helps.

[EKS]

I recommend Being Mortal, though it is more a big picture sort of book.

[Alicia64]

You guys are wonderful for taking care of him. ♥♥♥

W.

[Harriet Vane]

Thanks for your help--I have another question if anyone wants to chime in:

 

 

[Harriet Vane]

3 hours ago, Happymomof1 said:

Bless you for doing that.  After taking care of my father while having three kids ages ( first one when he came to live with us, 2nd when he died) 2/7. 7/12, 9/14 , I could not handle the round the clock care it would have taken to care for my husband's grandmother. It is why we put her in memory care.  She lived there from 98-102.  I don't know what we would have done if that had been in the area of Covid.  But there is no way I could have cared for her here.  No way at all.  I did not have the capacity to do that, nor the physical strength, nor the ability to monitor her 24/7. 

 

I think it's quite possible that we may not be able to keep him all the way until the end, yet it's also quite possible that we may. I have watched three other loved ones walk this path (two with elderly dementia and one from brain tumor). I was intimately involved in their lives. My grandmother in particular was very, very difficult to care for past a certain point. My father-in-law, however, is a mild-mannered person who has thus far been mostly content to go with the flow. I know there can be major personality changes as the brain is ravaged, but for now, I think there is at least a chance that we might be able to manage with some outside helpers coming in on a schedule to assist. We just cannot imagine depriving him of his family connections during all the losses of encroaching dementia, and during Covid19 nursing homes = loss of family. We just cannot do that to him.

Walking forward with prayer, trying to keep our eyes open and make wise choices.

[Reefgazer]

A close relative of mine solved this problem with her mother by hiring a night-time attendant.  The relative's mother did not need medical needs attended to at night, she just needed assistance with getting to the bathroom, being re-directed to bed, adn night-time wakings in general, so she didn't need to pay a nurse; she just needed an adult babysitter.  So if you can go that route, that would be best, because you have to sleep.