A Question for you if you pastor, married to a pastor or . . .

[Sweetpeach]

on staff at your local church.

 

Do you feel added pressure to ensure your children are behaving properly?

 

If yes, how do you cope with that added pressure?

 

How do you find a balance between being extra visible/available with people at church and not allowing that visibility to change your parenting style? Have you been able to find the freedom to let your kids be kids, make mistakes, (not be perfect church kids)?

 

I'm trying to wrap my head around what stays the same if I accept a staff position at our church but also be very realistic about what's going to change in terms of parenting/expectations. I know this would be self-induced pressure . . . I'm trying to be gentle with myself, but also aware of my natural tendency to want to put my best foot forward. (read: perform) That's my pkg . . . I want to be absolutely sure that my expectations of my kids aren't beyond realistic.

 

I'm wondering if some of you here would like to share what centres you for parenting in the midst of taking a more active role in church.

 

Thanks, Tricia

[Chris in VA]

Well, as a priest's wife with the Ultimate Preacher's Kid (mine is in recovery right now), I can say this--

 

I don't feel my standards for my kids are any different than if we were not a clergy family. I feel the standards for all Christian kids are pretty darn high. Yes, the scripture about the overseer being in charge of his family is a reality (sorry, can't remember what verse), but we are not holding high standards because of being in the public eye or because of a need to be a good example because of Dad's position.

 

When I feel embarrassed or worried about my kids' behaviour, and I'm aware of my own "looking around to see if anyone noticed," I count it as sin. Yep. Sin. Because I don't want to be a "whitened sepulcher," and I think clergy families who simply must appear perfect are not acting in accordance with scripture. There should be no acting involved, even if the motive for trying to appear to be what you are not is that you don't want to be a stumbling block for someone.

 

We have got to be real. Real clergy families are just like any other Christian family--we sin, we fall, we do wrong things. We happen to be extra aware of Grace in our family, because we so desperately need it. I'm not a model of perfect parenting, I'm not great with my Quiet Time, I'm cranky sometimes, my house can get messy, and my language can get ugly. I'm human. So are my kids, and so is my husband. What I do try to model is that, in my imperfection, I am not left to myself. I have a Great Big God who loves me as I am but wants me to grow. He works in and thru every one of my carpy decisions, failings and sinful desires. He can take anything and make it part of the beautiful tapestry he is weaving out of this world. I want my life to point to him as the one who is behind everything good and joyful and right in my life.

 

One of my very favorite authors is Oswald Chambers. In the wonderful devotional, My Utmost for His Highest, he talks about the Christian's life as being a highway for God. No one can stand this unless he has the Holy Spirit's help. Don't be afraid of letting your life become public. Just remember that the standard applies to all Christians, and we all fail to meet it. We are not a group that believes we can do life as it should be without God, because we are never going to reach the standard God sets, but it's ok because Christ reached it, and God sees us clothed with Christ's Righteousness. He is making something beautiful out of all of us.

 

Extend to others the Grace you need from them. You may get slammed, but be a model, not of perfect behaviour, but of the Perfect Work of God.

[klmama]

I think you have to assess the climate of your particular church to answer your question.

 

If your church expects "proper" behavior from everyone everywhere, sinners are condemned (rather than loved, while their sin is condemned), your dc will be held to that standard, too. The only difference from now is that more people will know who they are, so there will be more opportunities for them to be "caught" making mistakes. That may be uncomfortable for all of you.

 

On the other hand, if your church is more laid back and children are not expected to behave like tiny adults, there may not be a problem. The attitude in this type of church is more helpful in guiding children toward right behavior, and less in condemning them for being immature. If that's the case, I wouldn't worry about it at all. You may get a comment every once in a great while, again because more people will know your dc, but probably not much more than you would now.

[Jean in Newcastle]

We had big problems in our last church because we didn't train our children exactly the way the elders wanted them raised. The "last straw" was when I was called in before the elders for taking my crying toddler out of Sunday School. (They thought I was pampering her by not forcing her to get over her "sin" of fear of being apart from me.) Obviously that was just a symptom of something far, far, worse in that church! My dh has resigned that position (ok - they really wanted him to resign the position so it was easy). We are no longer at that church.

 

My dh is doing pulpit supply right now. But all the churches we've ministered at have been so accepting of our children. To tell you the truth, I think my kids usually are the best behaved etc. of the kids in all the churches we visit. But that is just because we have not only have high standards, we have a pretty seam-less lifestyle of being able to model and teach to character issues all day long because of homeschooling. But both of my children are quirky and people seem to accept them for who they are - not for the role of "pastor's kid".

[Trivium Academy]

on staff at your local church.

 

Do you feel added pressure to ensure your children are behaving properly?

 

I did but don't anymore. I think I put more pressure on my dd8 than ds4, because I feel she knows better AND I don't expect her to act any differently than any other public place.

 

If yes, how do you cope with that added pressure?

Honestly, look at their kids. They aren't perfect and tell yourself- they are raising or have raised their own, these are MY kids to screw up. If someone steps over your boundary line, have a few things prepared to say.

 

One of the toughest things I've had to deal with is a church member correcting my child in front of me as if I was somehow neglecting to properly discipline my own child. Whenever this starts to happen, I take my child to another room or away from the person before they finish saying what they were and talk to my child about what was happening.

 

How do you find a balance between being extra visible/available with people at church and not allowing that visibility to change your parenting style? Have you been able to find the freedom to let your kids be kids, make mistakes, (not be perfect church kids)?

 

Being a mother to my children is more important than if church members see me being active in the church. My first priority is to my kids and I tell whomever I need to. :D I think I make up for it when I actually listen to church members when they do want to talk, it's the "be seen" portion I don't pay any attention to anymore.

 

I'm trying to wrap my head around what stays the same if I accept a staff position at our church but also be very realistic about what's going to change in terms of parenting/expectations. I know this would be self-induced pressure . . . I'm trying to be gentle with myself, but also aware of my natural tendency to want to put my best foot forward. (read: perform) That's my pkg . . . I want to be absolutely sure that my expectations of my kids aren't beyond realistic.

 

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I would not advise taking any position at the church, no matter how much help they need, esp. with your earlier mentioned concerns. I advise thinking about your priorities, your relationship with God is primary but that does not involve the church, then your family, then comes church. It's not God, church and then family as it is in most pastoral families I know.

 

Keep this in mind, anything you do that someone doesn't agree with will be an issue not only with you but your dh will be pulled into it as well. Participate in Bible studies or the women's group but I wouldn't take a position in any area at the church.

 

Just my 2¢

[Frontier Mom]

I always tell my kiddos, "Your the PK's. Everybody already expects you to ask the worse so you have nowhere to go but up!"

 

Seriously, this can be the worst punishment we put on our kids. Mine aren't perfect but they are extremely helpful in several ministries in our church. Instead of criticism, parents are always commenting on how helpful and respectful my children are to them. I always give the Glory to God instead of acting like I am the wonderful Mom.

 

Over the years I have stepped back and let them enjoy the church. Their actions speak from their heart's condition.

[Starr]

My expectations are not any different than they would be if we were not a clergy family. That said they are higher than some others. I like to say that my ministry is raising imperfect children! Once my then 2yr old was fussing in the communion line and my friend heard another Mother say that it made her feel so much better when my kids fussed. :) You do have to tough out what you think other people are thinking.

[Sweetpeach]

I think you have to assess the climate of your particular church to answer your question.

 

If your church expects "proper" behavior from everyone everywhere, sinners are condemned (rather than loved, while their sin is condemned), your dc will be held to that standard, too. The only difference from now is that more people will know who they are, so there will be more opportunities for them to be "caught" making mistakes. That may be uncomfortable for all of you.

 

On the other hand, if your church is more laid back and children are not expected to behave like tiny adults, there may not be a problem. The attitude in this type of church is more helpful in guiding children toward right behavior, and less in condemning them for being immature. If that's the case, I wouldn't worry about it at all. You may get a comment every once in a great while, again because more people will know your dc, but probably not much more than you would now.

 

Certainly, the atmosphere at our church is laid back and I know for sure that our leadership is very supportive of our parenting. We're all about getting away from the "bad girl/bad boy condemnation" and moving into God's love and goodness. It's more my insecurity with the masses of people . . . I think I'm just going to have to get over myself and stay centred with the truth that none of us are perfect and we'll all doing our best to fall forward into grace.

 

Thanks, T

[Sweetpeach]

We had big problems in our last church because we didn't train our children exactly the way the elders wanted them raised. The "last straw" was when I was called in before the elders for taking my crying toddler out of Sunday School. (They thought I was pampering her by not forcing her to get over her "sin" of fear of being apart from me.) Obviously that was just a symptom of something far, far, worse in that church! My dh has resigned that position (ok - they really wanted him to resign the position so it was easy). We are no longer at that church.

 

My dh is doing pulpit supply right now. But all the churches we've ministered at have been so accepting of our children. To tell you the truth, I think my kids usually are the best behaved etc. of the kids in all the churches we visit. But that is just because we have not only have high standards, we have a pretty seam-less lifestyle of being able to model and teach to character issues all day long because of homeschooling. But both of my children are quirky and people seem to accept them for who they are - not for the role of "pastor's kid".

 

Thanks Jean -- I think I'm just feeling the nerves of actually doing this thing . . . and my desire to protect my family, relationships and school is really important to me. I'm learning how to draw daisy boundaries . . . I think it really does depend on the church atmosphere . . . so your post does deeply encourage me. Thank you.

[Sweetpeach]

My expectations are not any different than they would be if we were not a clergy family. That said they are higher than some others. I like to say that my ministry is raising imperfect children! Once my then 2yr old was fussing in the communion line and my friend heard another Mother say that it made her feel so much better when my kids fussed. :) You do have to tough out what you think other people are thinking.

 

I'm definitely my own worst enemy with thinking the whole world sees me as a parenting gong-show! I just have to figure out my "centering strategy" when I feel the crazy starting to creep up on me a bit.

[Sweetpeach]

Well, as a priest's wife with the Ultimate Preacher's Kid (mine is in recovery right now), I can say this--

 

I don't feel my standards for my kids are any different than if we were not a clergy family. I feel the standards for all Christian kids are pretty darn high. Yes, the scripture about the overseer being in charge of his family is a reality (sorry, can't remember what verse), but we are not holding high standards because of being in the public eye or because of a need to be a good example because of Dad's position.

 

When I feel embarrassed or worried about my kids' behaviour, and I'm aware of my own "looking around to see if anyone noticed," I count it as sin. Yep. Sin. Because I don't want to be a "whitened sepulcher," and I think clergy families who simply must appear perfect are not acting in accordance with scripture. There should be no acting involved, even if the motive for trying to appear to be what you are not is that you don't want to be a stumbling block for someone.

 

We have got to be real. Real clergy families are just like any other Christian family--we sin, we fall, we do wrong things. We happen to be extra aware of Grace in our family, because we so desperately need it. I'm not a model of perfect parenting, I'm not great with my Quiet Time, I'm cranky sometimes, my house can get messy, and my language can get ugly. I'm human. So are my kids, and so is my husband. What I do try to model is that, in my imperfection, I am not left to myself. I have a Great Big God who loves me as I am but wants me to grow. He works in and thru every one of my carpy decisions, failings and sinful desires. He can take anything and make it part of the beautiful tapestry he is weaving out of this world. I want my life to point to him as the one who is behind everything good and joyful and right in my life.

 

One of my very favorite authors is Oswald Chambers. In the wonderful devotional, My Utmost for His Highest, he talks about the Christian's life as being a highway for God. No one can stand this unless he has the Holy Spirit's help. Don't be afraid of letting your life become public. Just remember that the standard applies to all Christians, and we all fail to meet it. We are not a group that believes we can do life as it should be without God, because we are never going to reach the standard God sets, but it's ok because Christ reached it, and God sees us clothed with Christ's Righteousness. He is making something beautiful out of all of us.

 

Extend to others the Grace you need from them. You may get slammed, but be a model, not of perfect behaviour, but of the Perfect Work of God.

Thank you for taking a few minutes to respond - your post is lovely, and very encouraging. I'll print this one off, even if I don't take the position. xoxoxo

[Daisy]

I'm a preacher's kid but not married to a preacher. My DH is also a preacher's kid though. For both of us, the biggest thing is be genuine. Don't buy into the fishbowl mentality. My sister rebelled BIG TIME and I really think a large part of it was just getting tired of the game. Being one way in front of the "church" people and another way at home. If you can find someway for your family to be themselves, warts and all, that is what is best. Your children need to know they are loved "in process" and not expected to put on a show for the parishoners. That's just my 2 cents.

[Guest Katia]

This is an issue that is near and dear to my heart. I'd like to just tell you where I am coming from and what decisions I made regarding my children as PKs.

 

Growing up in the church where we had many many different pastors w/ families, and then as a young adult with pastor friends w/ families, I carefully observed the phenomenon of "Pastor's Kids". As far as I could tell, all these kids were good kids but they lacked one thing: direct parental guidance. These moms and dads were so busy serving the church that they put on the back-burner the most important ministry that God had given them: their children.

 

When dh felt called into the full-time ministry I was preggers with ds. I let my dh know in no uncertain terms that 'his' work was the church, 'my' work was the kids, dh and the house. This is a very , very unpopular view within the church for pastor's wives. For any other wife/mother, this is seen as preferable, but pastor's wives are supposed to let others in the church raise their dc while they 'minister' or some such rot.

 

Of course, this was 25 years ago, so things may have changed some since then, but I had to fight tooth and nail to take care of my children! However, most people still expect the pastor's kids to be above reproach. A familiar quote is: "....and he's the pastor's son!" How they expect this miracle to take place (dc with impeccable behavior) with both parents so busy serving here and there in the church is beyond my comprehension. But yes, people do expect PKs to be 'better than' in all areas.

 

I feel that by not participating in leadership positions within the church that many felt I was not a 'good' pastor's wife. My mil is one of those people and she has verbally let me know this. However, I feel my children have had the undivided attention/supervision of at least one parent and that they have benefited greatly from this. Their behavior has always been excellent. (but then, since that was 'expected' it wasn't seen as a wonderful thing anyhow, kwim?)

 

But, even with all of my direct support of my dc (I have actively tried to buffer this attitude), they all have felt an unbelievable pressure to be 'better than' they are. At every church we have been at in many different states, church sizes and socieo-economic groups. They could not wait until they could leave the church and go somewhere that no one knew they were PKs. (college, job, etc.)

 

If I had the choice to put my dc in this position or not, I would chose the 'not'. It is difficult for you, but it is even more difficult for the dc. Remain the obscure church-member mom and leave the leadership to someone without kids, kids grown and left home, or a man. You will be much, much happier and so will your dc. They just won't know it! :001_smile: