Questions about people who pass away during the pandemic

[Tap]

I am trying to be as thoughtful as possible in how I ask this question.  If this question is offensive, please know I am not trying to be hurtful.

I have a friend who passed last week due to complications from an autoimmune illness. My mom will be unlikely to survive Covid-19 but lives in a different area. I am sure many of us are in similar situations, with family/friends who may pass during this time. I am just curious what plans are in place in the MEs offices, funeral homes, mortuaries, cemeteries, etc. to deal with the drastic increase. 

Are all people who pass with an illness right now, being tested postmortem for the virus to determine if it is a factor? Solely with the purpose, to see if it was the primary or co-morbid condition? If someone already has an illness like autoimmune disease/disorder, and they test positive for covid-19 (either before or after death), and they die from an infection , will their death be counted as a covid-19 death or not? 

New York is using freezer trucks to help store people who have passed away. 😢 What is the plan for cities to do, if people can't come claim the bodies due to illness or travel restrictions? 

What can people do to help families who are hurt by the trauma?  Typical things like going to a funeral, sending flowers, dropping off meals, offering to help around the house, or care for young children are not necessarily safe right now. What can we do to show support for the loved ones left behind while still keeping one-self safe? Aside from a card or call (I didn't want to have chats with people when my dad died) what can people do in lieu of physical support?

[TheReader]

I don't know the answer to any of those questions at all. 

My grandpa died one month ago yesterday, right before all of this really blew up. For family travel purposes, we had set his funeral/memorial service for later in March -- that was cancelled. I suppose because this happened before things were crazy, dealing with the practical side of his death (cremation, etc.) was normal. 

What has not been normal is now my grandma is alone. We're closest, at an hour-ish away. My uncle is next closest, at 1.5 to 2 hrs away. In the immediate, all the family was there with her (her children, not the extended family), but of course they all had to go home. Still, the first two weeks after his death, she had family there. And then everyone went home and we all agreed to sort of rotate checking on her, so that we could all make sure she was okay without overwhelming her. Only then, Stay at Home orders came down for her county, then mine, then my uncle's, and now the whole state (TX). So now all we can do is call and hope she's telling the truth when she says she's okay, she's well stocked on things, she's doing well, etc. 

It stinks. 

So. On a practical level for helping the family....especially if it's an older relative. Really set up a phone tree or something with the family to keep checking in. Set up grocery delivery if needed (I have the info for this for a few groceries in our area that are offering special services to seniors). Find a way to check in, because grief, interrupted is a weird thing. With so.much.else. going on right now, it's like a hollering toddler taking all the attention from the newborn that really needs you right now. Or something. I can't explain it, just, it sucks. I (and I assume all of our family) have had to shove aside my grief to just focus on these current events. Keeping up with DS's school stuff. Keeping up with my job/classes. Dealing with DH working from home. Grocery shortages. Planning meals around what we have and tweaking recipes and substituting and not running to the store, and trying not to panic/stress when we *do* go to the store but can't find TP, can't find dish soap, can't find "normal" meats, etc. Wondering if Covid-19 will be the straw that crushes the oil field to a point where DH's job will be in jeopardy (his company says no). 

So, there's ALL Of that stress, that everyone is dealing with. Job uncertainty, food uncertainty, etc. But it's on top of a grief that has to be shoved down, out of the way, underneath, because all of the mental energy to deal with NOW is just too much. 

So -- check.on.the.person.  More than ever, at least for me, they need to hear and know that someone else out there knows and sees and acknowledges "Hey, you aren't forgotten. Your grief isn't forgotten. Take time to stop and grieve; the troubles of today will still be there."  Because it's needed. 

Call. Send a delivery, whether it be something practical or a card or whatever. Order a carry-out meal or find a place offering delivery and order that. Share pictures. Stories. I wanted to do an onilne virtual memorial service, but was too chicken to start it myself, so didn't. But maybe ask the person, if you're close enough,and do that. Or if not, share your own stories with them. Because it sucks. So.very.much. 

And, this is me doing that for you: I am very sorry about the loss of your friend. Take some time. Remember her (him?). Share stories. Eat her favorite ice cream. Drink her favorite drink. Have a private, personal memorial. Or a FB memorial. Or something. It stinks. So.very.much. I'm sorry you are grieving now, too. Reach out to her family, let them know you know, you see them, you acknowledge their grief. Press the pause button on this *$%&(* virus chaos and grieve/give them permission to grieve.  ((((big hugs)))) It's so hard. 

[PrincessMommy]

I don't know exactly but my DIL's grandmother had a stroke yesterday.  She is in a hospital here and no one could visit her.  She doesn't speak English.   One daughter used to work at the hospital and was able to go visit her last night.   But, word came about an hour ago that they are sending her into home hospice care.  They've given her 2 weeks.  I was told that the plan was that only direct children of the deceased (not their spouses or children, etc) will attend the funeral.  There will be a larger memorial at a later date.   

It is very, very sad.  From what I know, she is the matriarch of their large, close family. 

[BusyMom5]

I have been wondering the same thing, also have a few loved ones who definitely wont survive Corona,  but also might not make it through this time due to their other health issues.  Funerals are planned and paid for, but no one could have expected this!  

 

One thing that has been weighing on my mind, do you take said person to the hospital or just call their Dr and get hospice?  The idea of dropping them at the door and never seeing them is too painful!  Right now our hospital is allowing 1 visitor per day, but end of life is at Drs discretion- which means if they have respiratory issues (which this loved one does), no visitors.  The 1 visitor per day is the max, they really want no one in the hospital. Nursing homes are the same, no visitors.   It feels like such a sad time to have a loved one pass. 

[klmama]

Dh has a friend whose dad died last week.  The mom had already pased.  The hospital allowed one of the family members to don a hazmat suit to visit him to say good-bye, but only one.  Can you imagine having to choose which sibling gets to do that?  

[Skippy]

The mother of a good friend of my mother-in-law died of the virus. My mother-in-law and another friend drove to the cemetery and were there during the burial service. They remained in their cars, but they wanted their friend to know that they were grieving with her. I thought it was a sweet gesture.