I irritated my dd20

[Night Elf]

This morning my anxiety was high and I almost didn't go to the thrift store for volunteering. I decided the distraction might be good for me so I made myself get up and go. And it worked! I had a nice time and got a lot done. I'm so glad I went. So I told my dd20, sharing with her a positive note in my life and she took it as me trying to say "i told you so". She often feels too anxious or too depressed to get up and go anywhere and I always suggests she just make herself go and that it would probably be a nice distraction. So I apologized to her and told her I didn't mean it that way at all. She's so sensitive! It seems she's lost interest in my life. She rarely responds or says little when I tell her about something going on in my life. I know it's her mental health problems that have her focused so much inward but it hurts my feelings that she has no interest in my life. We used to be so close.

[Night Elf]

3 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

I can’t speak to how her issues Might be affecting her, but keep in mind that pulling away and having less interest in your life is normal.  She is 20, she is at college and she is figuring out how to be her own adult and you are both still figuring out the dynamics of parenting adult children.  Give her time.  In a few years, she will settle down and you can become closer again. She is just still in that “friends are more important” stage.  

She sure is and I understand that. She texts me every day with something going on in her life. It's confusing. I guess I'm just supposed to be the sounding board. I've already had to learn to stop trying to fix things. Now I just show her sympathy and occasionally ask her if she'd like some advice. Sometimes she says yes and sometimes she says she'd just like to figure it out on her own.

[Guest]

I’m sorry. I wouldn’t like that, either. I think in that age category, adult kids can become so prickly to accepting any advice, even if you didn’t really mean for it to be advice. 

But I will give you props: good for you, going out there in spite of anxiety! I know how monumental it can be. Just before I left for France, I was so anxiety-ridden, I stared in my bathroom mirror and said, “If my daughter was not already there, no WAY would I be taking this trip!” Part of me was wishing I had not made plans to go! But I am SO happy I went! Anxiety did not win! Yay! 

[Night Elf]

46 minutes ago, Quill said:

I’m sorry. I wouldn’t like that, either. I think in that age category, adult kids can become so prickly to accepting any advice, even if you didn’t really mean for it to be advice. 

But it's anything I say. She rarely has any response for me. She didn't even care about my medical emergency in early March. She said she was sorry it happened but she doesn't want to know about it or any of the doctor's visits I have to have. I think her reasoning is that she has her own problems and cannot handle those of anyone else. I can see her point a little bit, but I still think it's insensitive. She shouldn't stop caring about her family just because she now has friends and a home away from her childhood home. I can only hope that one day she'll decide she does like talking to me. Instead, I truly believe she'll be the kind of adult who has little contact with her family. She doesn't need us anymore so why bother with us. Well, she needs her parents. We're paying for college and expenses. Without us she couldn't even go to that school. I'm happy to do it for her because I think it's going to brighten her future but I see us as an ATM machine only. And that hurts.

And no, for some of you who think we should pull the financial plug, I'm not going to pull the plug on those expenses. We made the commitment to pay for college and expenses after her loans ran out. We're not going to suddenly take that away.

[Frances]

22 minutes ago, Night Elf said:

But it's anything I say. She rarely has any response for me. She didn't even care about my medical emergency in early March. She said she was sorry it happened but she doesn't want to know about it or any of the doctor's visits I have to have. I think her reasoning is that she has her own problems and cannot handle those of anyone else. I can see her point a little bit, but I still think it's insensitive. She shouldn't stop caring about her family just because she now has friends and a home away from her childhood home. I can only hope that one day she'll decide she does like talking to me. Instead, I truly believe she'll be the kind of adult who has little contact with her family. She doesn't need us anymore so why bother with us. Well, she needs her parents. We're paying for college and expenses. Without us she couldn't even go to that school. I'm happy to do it for her because I think it's going to brighten her future but I see us as an ATM machine only. And that hurts.

And no, for some of you who think we should pull the financial plug, I'm not going to pull the plug on those expenses. We made the commitment to pay for college and expenses after her loans ran out. We're not going to suddenly take that away.

I’m guessing it has a lot to do with both her age and her mental health issues. Being a full-time college student in a rigorous major (if I recall correctly, statistics?) while dealing with mental health issues and pursuing a social life likely leaves her little time for other things. And I think having mental health issues can sometimes be part of an inward focus and seeming to not care about others. But it sounds like she has made good friends and adjusted well at college which is a great! And she still texts you daily. Even though it’s tough for you right now, I think you just need to give her time and space. And I think you’re doing the right thing by not pulling the financial rug out from underneath her. But if you don’t think she’s appreciative, there’s no need to go beyond covering the basics.

[catz]

Honestly it just sounds like she is absorbed in her own depression and anxiety.   She probably does not have the band width right now to deal with other issues.   Easier said than done, but try not to take it personally.  It’s good to get out of the house and connect to some other adults.   I’d be encouraging her to keep trying with treatment as she was willing to take that advice.   I might even make continued therapy and medical follow up contigent on the financial help.  If she is skipping classes and not getting the best benefit of being there, that’s not great either.   

[fairfarmhand]

20 year olds can be extremely self focused. I bet eventually she will come around.

[fairfarmhand]

By the way, some personalities just aren’t interested in medical details. I’m one of those. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, but I’m more of the summary kind of person while I know many who want the play by play of every visit. 

[freesia]

8 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

By the way, some personalities just aren’t interested in medical details. I’m one of those. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, but I’m more of the summary kind of person while I know many who want the play by play of every visit. 

I agree (and I have to listen to a lot as the pastor's wife).  I really just want an overall summary (getting better, changing meds, more PT, MRI recommended).  It's not that I don't care about the person at all, it's just what would I do with all that information? 

It's hard when relationship's change. I agree that you need to give her time.  I bet you'll feel close again.  Probably, since you were so close, she needs to pull away a bit to be sure she is her own person. She'll be back.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

By the way, some personalities just aren’t interested in medical details. I’m one of those. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, but I’m more of the summary kind of person while I know many who want the play by play of every visit. 

Totally me, yoo. DH keeps trying to tell me about all the horrible things the dental surgeon is doing/going to do with his tooth. I cover my ears. I get that he wants to talk about it but I am too squeemish and cannot hear about bolts in his jaw and other repugnant stuff. Shhhh! 

[freesia]

20 minutes ago, Quill said:

Totally me, yoo. DH keeps trying to tell me about all the horrible things the dental surgeon is doing/going to do with his tooth. I cover my ears. I get that he wants to talk about it but I am too squeemish and cannot hear about bolts in his jaw and other repugnant stuff. Shhhh! 

My dh used to give me what I called "hourly updates" on his colds.  It's now a joke with us.  At one point we moved in with his mom and sister and sure enough the entire family gives hourly updates on their illnesses.  In my house my mom just put us in front of the TV with tissues (ginger ale if it was a tummy thing and saltines).  I'm sure she checked on us, but talking about our sickness just wasn't done.

[catz]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

By the way, some personalities just aren’t interested in medical details. I’m one of those. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, but I’m more of the summary kind of person while I know many who want the play by play of every visit. 

I am totally like this.  I just find medical visits myself stressful and I'm a bit of an empath so I don't really want to hear every sordid detail of your medical history and visits.  My mom tries to tell me and I change topics.   Tell me things I NEED to know and no more.  

[freesia]

1 minute ago, FuzzyCatz said:

I am totally like this.  I just find medical visits myself stressful and I'm a bit of an empath so I don't really want to hear every sordid detail of your medical history and visits.  My mom tries to tell me and I change topics.   Tell me things I NEED to know and no more.  

And unless you are related to me and colon cancer is a possibility, I REALLY don't want to hear about your bowels.  But I love you.  I really do. 

[Night Elf]

Heck, all I did was tell her I had a TIA and they ran tests and were sending me to a neurologist and cardiologist for more tests. I didn't tell her what tests or when the appointments would be. I didn't give her sensitive details. She just really didn't want to even know I had gone to the doctor. And now the neurologist is telling me I have an intracardiac shunt which is a hole in the heart which is why I need to follow up with a cardiologist. I'm just not going to tell her any of this. I guess if I'm at death's door I'll let her know but until then, I'm keeping all of this to myself.

[fairfarmhand]

20 minutes ago, Night Elf said:

Heck, all I did was tell her I had a TIA and they ran tests and were sending me to a neurologist and cardiologist for more tests. I didn't tell her what tests or when the appointments would be. I didn't give her sensitive details. She just really didn't want to even know I had gone to the doctor. And now the neurologist is telling me I have an intracardiac shunt which is a hole in the heart which is why I need to follow up with a cardiologist. I'm just not going to tell her any of this. I guess if I'm at death's door I'll let her know but until then, I'm keeping all of this to myself.

Awww. That does sound hurtful. 

[Jaybee]

I'm sorry. (I'm ready for the huggy emoticon to be back.) This may not be much comfort, but in my experience, 20-year-olds can be very easily irritated. They sure have their fun points as well, but sometimes the prickles hurt a bit.