Talking Homeschool Styles with Tweens

[rainbowmama]

We are a religious minority, and as a result, we fit best with secular homeschoolers. There are a lot of unschoolers in our local secular homeschooler community. My tween has been asking a lot why she has to do school, when many of her friends don't. Pretty much any answer I can think of sounds pretty judgmental (and maybe I need to work on that), and that's certainly not what I want to pass onto my kids. So, if you homeschool in a structured way, how do you explain to your older child why you school differently than some of their friends? 

[Lori D.]

It's not judgmental to simply say the truth: you're doing things differently than others because that's what's best for your family. :)

 

"Our family homeschools for ____________ reasons and goals. The materials we are using and the way we are homeschooling were specially chosen after a lot of research to fit your learning style and to help us meet those reasons and goals. Other families make different decisions about how to homeschool and what materials to use in order to help them meet their different goals and needs."

 

 

Usually the shortest, most direct answer is best, and then move on. If your tween needs more than the above, then you could add something that is a universal truth -- that we don't see the full story of the situation because we're not living it:

 

"I hear what you are saying, that it looks to you like that family is not doing school. But we don't live with them and see everything they do, so we don't really know what they're doing or not doing for homeschooling. But really, it's not our business how others homeschool. Our business is to focus on doing OUR homeschooling."

 

 

If it doesn't end at that point, from there, you can reflective listen to and acknowledge your tween's feelings about this situation:

 

"Yes, I can hear from what you're saying that you might feel ___(surprised, angry, disappointed, envious, etc.)__ that we homeschool differently from that family."

 

 

And then once the feelings have been acknowledged, try redirecting the tween toward seeing what a positive homeschooling is for your family:

 

"You know, the beauty of homeschooling is being able to gear our studies around our strengths and interests. I know you have a special interest in __________. How about we sit down and brainstorm together how we can make that part of our homeschooling so you can develop your interest in that?"

 

 

"Comparison is the thief of joy" -- that adage might be something to discuss together. No way around it, however it pops up, tween/teen comparison and peer pressure is just hard. :( BEST of luck! Warmly, Lori D.

Edited September 25, 2017 by Lori D.

[Farrar]

I think the best way is to be honest and positive about both the unschoolers' motives and yours. I can't speak for you, but unschoolers I know choose that method because they think children learn best when there are fewer rules. They believe that taking charge of your own education is more important than having someone else dictate what and how someone should learn. They believe that learning happens as a natural part of life and in the context of dong other things. They think that when a young person decides on a goal that requires learning, that they'll be able to do that learning much more efficiently and with greater purpose.

 

If it was me, I'd be able to add to my kids that I think that works sometimes - for some kids and families, but that I think structure and routines are usually more efficient, that by the time they decide they're ready to learn something, it's easy to have fallen behind their peers and feel discouraged, that learning builds on itself so having a foundation makes it easier later. I'd be able to talk about the ways in which I've tried to be responsive to my kids' needs and interests, but also to introduce them to the basic skills and information that they need in order to later on tackle any goal they might have.

 

We've always talked about these sorts of things in our house, so none of this would surprise my kids. They've known unschoolers and don't always think much of that approach. And they know they like routines and some level of structure. Kids who know themselves as learners helps in these conversations.

[lllll]

nm

Edited October 3, 2017 by lllllll

[rainbowmama]

 

If it was me, I'd be able to add to my kids that I think that works sometimes - for some kids and families, but that I think structure and routines are usually more efficient, that by the time they decide they're ready to learn something, it's easy to have fallen behind their peers and feel discouraged, that learning builds on itself so having a foundation makes it easier later. I'd be able to talk about the ways in which I've tried to be responsive to my kids' needs and interests, but also to introduce them to the basic skills and information that they need in order to later on tackle any goal they might have.

 

 

So, I definitely homeschool the way I do in part because I want my neurotypical kids to stay roughly where their peers are in core, skill-based subjects. We definitely know delayed academic types and unschoolers who don't share that goal, and so kids not reading at eight or nine years old, or not having their math facts memorized in middle school seem more normal to my kids than to me. I, personally, am not comfortable with that, and I don't know how to communicate to my daughter that while that's fine in other homes, that I'm just not comfortable with that, that I have certain goals I need to reach for me to feel comfortable to homeschool, regardless of whether her friends' parents share those goals, without sounding like I think that their parents should share those goals.

[Arcadia]

I just tell my kids that if anything happen to us, they will be going back immediately to public school because family friends and relatives won’t be able to homeschool them. My kids are the first in the extended family to be homeschooled. My kind relatives would rather help pay for private school than homeschool my kids.

[Farrar]

So, I definitely homeschool the way I do in part because I want my neurotypical kids to stay roughly where their peers are in core, skill-based subjects. We definitely know delayed academic types and unschoolers who don't share that goal, and so kids not reading at eight or nine years old, or not having their math facts memorized in middle school seem more normal to my kids than to me. I, personally, am not comfortable with that, and I don't know how to communicate to my daughter that while that's fine in other homes, that I'm just not comfortable with that, that I have certain goals I need to reach for me to feel comfortable to homeschool, regardless of whether her friends' parents share those goals, without sounding like I think that their parents should share those goals.

 

I'm possibly more comfortable with that than you are. I have a host of opinions about delayed learning and I can't say I'm for it exactly, but in the end, I think mostly it turns out okay in a loving home where no one is holding kids back. I really do think the best way to approach this is to focus on the positive on both sides and your own comfort level but without being judgmental about those who do it differently. I think that way lies arguments with your kids if they're looking at their peers and seeing them do reasonably well at various tasks that they value.

 

So statements like...

 

"They're behind and will never catch up."

"Families who don't do schoolwork regularly are letting their kids down."

"If you don't know this by now, you'll always struggle."

 

... are judgmental and may be things your kids end up arguing with you about. Or just seem designed to be not so awesome to their pals.

 

Statements like...

 

"I need to be comfortable with your education and this is what I'm comfortable with."

"Our goals are different from theirs, which is okay. One of the great things about homeschooling is that we can all bring our own beliefs to the table."

"I'm proud of the learning you do in school and I want to keep that up."

 

...are personal to you and your goals and not trying to speak for those who do it differently and are thus harder to argue with. Plus they're respectful of the other families.

[Lori D.]

Love Farrar's non-judgmental sample statements above.

 

And again, just to reassure you RainbowMama, stating that different people do things differently because they have different goals or reasons is not judgmental nor is it intolerant. It's just a statement of fact and is actually very tolerant/inclusive -- we accept that everyone gets to do it the way that works for them. :)

 

It's probably best not to get  bogged down in a big discussion or justification with your tween. Acknowledge your tween's observation ("Yes, you're right; they do it differently than we do"). No need to try and guess at, explain, or justify the reasons for the differences -- just state why you do what you do ("We do it this way because it works best for us. You're learning a lot and doing well. That is super!") Embrace that difference is okay and move on ("That's great that their way works for them. It doesn't work for us, but that's okay, because we've figured out what does work best for us"). Optional: see if there is a reason why your tween keeps bringing up the subject ("Sounds like you are interested in trying our homeschooling in a different way. Why is that? Is there something you'd like to explore that we're not doing now? Or something you'd like to try doing in a different way?").

Edited September 27, 2017 by Lori D.

[daijobu]

I also admire Farrar's non-judgmental approach.  You may also want to describe the myriad other educational philosophies that so many other homeschoolers adopt for their families.  

 

I also agree with listening to your children.  Ask them if there is anything about their homeschooling they would like to see changed.  Is there something else they'd rather study?  Is there an activity or sport they'd like to participate in?   Would they like to unschool one day a month, one day where they can choose to study whatever they like?  (Just brainstorming here.)  

 

We are dear friends with a bunch of Waldorf-inspired homeschoolers, and I can tell you that over the years, my dd's have really appreciated the rigor in their academics that their friends did not have.  We did cancel our class every few months or so to join them in some Waldorfy activity like making candles for candlemas or some such.  (We school year round, so we can afford a missed class for a special activity every once in a while.)

 

So hang in there.  Some day your kids will thank you.  Unless they don't!   :lol:   

Edited September 27, 2017 by daijobu

[fralala]

Well, when my daughter expressed interest in unschooling, I first wanted to find out what she meant by unschooling. She meant that she wanted more autonomy, not that she wanted to worm out of all academics and do nothing valuable with her time all day long. She also meant that a few of my curriculum choices were turning out to be pure busywork, and she was right.

 

I feel like I benefited from pondering my answer, and what I ended up with was not a critique of unschoolers but a more crystallized understanding of my own educational philosophy, which is that kids should have a growing say in their education as they mature, but that guiding them along certain logical sequences of understanding will be to their benefit as their passions and interests change, and as they encounter the absolutely normal feelings of self-doubt and ebbing motivation in the face of passions and program prerequisites. This is my personal belief, but I agree with my daughter that her unschooling friends are poster children for the fact that unschooling can create really great people who make many aspects of the philosophy seem more tenable than in the abstract.

[Dmmetler]

Similar situation here-the homeschool community we fit best into is the one that also attracts a lot of unschoolers. I also have a child who needs structure and honestly needs something to wrap her brain around to stay emotionally healthy. Unschooling in the way many seemed to do it couldn't work for her because it didn't provide the structure and predicable stimulation she needed. I'm very child led-but that means that we spent a year reading about dragons and that I'm willing to teach technical writing via writing about snakes.

 

What I did was to start hosting groups at my house that tended to attract both the more academically focused folks and some of the unschoolers who wanted more academics and wanted an excuse to provide them. Things where the family had to prepare in advance to present and share. That took away the "I'm the only one who has to do school" feeling because she saw other people doing schoolwork, too. And when there really were great field trips, etc organized by the unschoolers, I tried to free up our schedule so DD could participate and to work on her flexibility so she could enjoy such experiences.

 

Eventually, it became more that she was aware her goals and needs were different from many, and that's OK.

[rutamattatt]

I have run into this in our homeschooling corner of the world as well, Rainbowmama.  Just this week I had the "so and so doesn't have to do school work" conversation with my DS15, and I have to really think before I speak so I don't come off sounding snarky about someone else's homeschool plan.  And it really isn't that I think I know what other families should be doing, but I feel like I have to be fairly defensive when my 15 year old criticizes the education plan I'm pouring myself into.   :closedeyes:

 

Thanks for this thread and the replies.  It has been super helpful for me!