After homeschooling off and on for over 20years.....issue of behind

[happycc]

I would like to discuss the issue of "being behind".I have seen people post "we are behind in history,math or whatever" and around spring I get that same panic.  Or I have said my son is behind in schoolwork, grade etc. 

 

I thought about all this really hard and shouldn't that term be null in the homeschool world.

 

It just puts me into such stress, pressure and depression every time I get into the frame of mind.

I start pushing harder and it gets ugly here in the house as a result of it because everyone is getting snapped at. Husband included lol.

A few  months ago I printed out calendars for the next six months and plotted our course in a curriculum. Did we follow it? No and I was miserable. I should just stick with the tried and true of just do the next page and don't worry about plotting it out on the calendar. 

 

How can us moms relax and enjoy the process without putting undue stress on ourselves or are we being irresponsible by taking too lax a position as we are not per se unschoolers? Although lately that's what we feel like.

 

I noticed our family goes into waves. A period of unable to get motivated and doing nothing and then a period of frenetic panic which leads to a lot of tears and me having to chase the kids down. Where is that happy medium? Has anyone found that peace yet? Do you feel guilty feeling behind? How do you resolve this?

 

How do you keep from getting burned out and just keep a steady pace?

 

Isn't the word "behind" meant for kids in real school? What's the point of homeschooling if "behind" is in our vocabulary?

How do you define "behind" in your family? What is "behind" for you or for your kids? 

 

 

Edited June 28, 2017 by happycc

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I think a lot depends on how the word is used.  

 

Here is a situation where BEHIND does NOT bother me, and would not cause me to feel stress to get more done:

- A child has a natural need to work at a slower pace.  There is no point in pushing a child faster than they can learn.  Homeschooling allows people to learn at the correct pace for their natural abilities, or at least it should.

 

BEHIND does bother me, however, when:

- Mom (or whoever the teacher is) simply does not or cannot make schooling a priority.  A child is not behind in math because they are struggling a needing extra study in a difficult chapter, but behind because the math book hasn't been opened in 3 months because x, y, z reasons.  

 

For the second case, I think the family really needs to decide if homeschooling makes sense.  Many people homeschool for reasons that are unrelated to academics.  In their cases, it may be that the benefit of keeping kids out of school is more important than whether or not they are able to actually advance academically at home.  But if a family chooses homeschooling because they feel it is academically better for their kids, but the reality is that there isn't enough hours in the day to cover what needs doing... then I think they should reconsider.  

 

I haven't been homeschooling for nearly as long as you, so I know I haven't been through the trails of middle school and high school yet.   That will be a whole new can of worms, i'm sure!  

[Hunter]

For families that are primarily homeschooling to provide a more robust academic experience than the local public school, there is certainly a "behind" for them.

 

Humans are designed to assimilate. Studies say that less than 5 years of exposure to a new culture results in a high level of assimilation. When homeschoolers with different worldviews and priorities interact with each other, we tend to absorb sometimes conflicting worldviews and priorities, leaving us uncentered and confused.

 

Get back to YOUR roots. Why did you start? Are those reasons still relevant to you, or have you changed? Focus on your priorities. Isolate yourself a bit, if you need to get back on track, and feel yourself assimilating too much towards things you don't want to adopt.

[...................]

I agree so whole heartedly with Hunter. It all really depends on you, and why you homeschool and what your own goals are.

[stutterfish]

I think it depends if you consider your child to be on the same racetrack as everyone else's and you have a timescale and fixed endpoint in mind. If you consider education to be a lifelong process, to be taken by any path, then, no, there is no "behind".

 

However, I know how easy it is to get hung up on comparisons with peers and other families' apparent perfection. (These forums don't help with feeling like you've got the only chi!dren in the world not studying X at y level.)

 

Kids seem to get where they need to, whatever mess you make of it. Ime, getting overly stressed about being "behind" rarely leads to the desired outcome.

Edited June 28, 2017 by stutterfish

[lllll]

nm

Edited July 11, 2017 by tentwelve

[Garga]

I think a lot depends on how the word is used.  

 

Here is a situation where BEHIND does NOT bother me, and would not cause me to feel stress to get more done:

- A child has a natural need to work at a slower pace.  There is no point in pushing a child faster than they can learn.  Homeschooling allows people to learn at the correct pace for their natural abilities, or at least it should.

 

BEHIND does bother me, however, when:

- Mom (or whoever the teacher is) simply does not or cannot make schooling a priority.  A child is not behind in math because they are struggling a needing extra study in a difficult chapter, but behind because the math book hasn't been opened in 3 months because x, y, z reasons.  

 

For the second case, I think the family really needs to decide if homeschooling makes sense.  Many people homeschool for reasons that are unrelated to academics.  In their cases, it may be that the benefit of keeping kids out of school is more important than whether or not they are able to actually advance academically at home.  But if a family chooses homeschooling because they feel it is academically better for their kids, but the reality is that there isn't enough hours in the day to cover what needs doing... then I think they should reconsider.  

 

I haven't been homeschooling for nearly as long as you, so I know I haven't been through the trails of middle school and high school yet.   That will be a whole new can of worms, i'm sure!

 

 

I agree with the above.

 

Five years ago, I was a distracted teacher. I didn't put in the time. I let things slide. It wasn't a matter of my children needing to go slower or having learning issues. It was just me getting tired of what I was doing and blowing off too much stuff.

 

Last year was my oldest's first year of high school. I created a tight schedule and for the first time ever we stuck to it. Like glue. I loved it. Instead of feeling uneasy in the spring or at the end because we didn't do everything I wanted, we did! We did it all! It wasn't bad. It was good. (Now, I wasn't happy with the curric choices I made because they sucked all my time away preparing, but that's another story.)

 

Next year, I'm sticking to a schedule and getting different types of materials.

 

Back to behind: My son doesn't read much and doesn't read fast. There's a group near here that recommends high schoolers read 25 books a year. My son just can't do that. He can read 8 or 9. When I have him read 8 or 9, I do not feel that he's behind just because other kids read 25 a year.

 

However, if I planned on him reading 8 or 9 books, and he only read 3 because of poor planning on my part, then I would feel that he was behind. He'd be behind MY standards for THIS kid.

[....]

It just puts me into such stress, pressure and depression every time I get into the frame of mind.

I start pushing harder and it gets ugly here in the house as a result of it because everyone is getting snapped at. Husband included lol.

A few  months ago I printed out calendars for the next six months and plotted our course in a curriculum. Did we follow it? No and I was miserable. I should just stick with the tried and true of just do the next page and don't worry about plotting it out on the calendar. 

 

I am the same way!   :sad:  I'm an INTJ and I will just push myself and everyone around me harder and farther without an end in sight.  I have to consciously stop myself and let everyone relax or we end up with a household of frustrated/angry people.  This year, my dh actually bought a boxed curriculum for my 12 and 9 year-olds (for the first time in 8 years), because he was trying to lower the stress level in here.  Otherwise, I will keep adding onto everything throughout the year.  It's worked out really well.  When we're done for the day, we're done.  It put things into perspective as far as how much is "enough".  

[Julie Smith]

How do you keep from getting burned out and just keep a steady pace?

 

Isn't the word "behind" meant for kids in real school? What's the point of homeschooling if "behind" is in our vocabulary?

How do you define "behind" in your family? What is "behind" for you or for your kids? 

 

How I keep a steady pace:

 

Every month I make a grid style check list. Down one side are the subjects, across the top is the days of the week we do school. Ever time you put some time and effort into a subject you get a check. How much time and effort required for a check depends on the subject, the brain power of the child, and everyone's mood. So sometimes that is 40 minutes of intense high quality work on hard math questions. Other times it is 20 minutes on average style questions. You can also get ahead. So if I expect about 10 minutes of playing a typing game and you play for about 20 minutes you get two checks. 

 

You can also get behind. One disadvantage is if your brother has more checks then you - then I get to bug you to do school, and leave your brother alone. 

 

How do you define "behind" in your family? What is "behind" for you or for your kids? 

 

In our family behind can have two definitions. 

#1) If a skill is holding you up in other areas. For example your spelling is so bad that you have trouble writing things you want to write. Or if you are constantly getting math problems at your level wrong because you have forgotten your times tables. Then you are behind on spelling, or math facts. 

 

#2) Eventually my boys are going to likely go to highschool at an online school. They have to be able to meet their standards. The only one area they might be behind in is French. In my province you have to have 600 hours of French learning experience to just take grade 9 French, which is a requirement to graduate. (They do make exceptions, but I don't want my boys to not meet that goal). So I'm looking into and making sure that my boys will meet the level of French expected for grade 9 Academic French. 

 

If you are behind in an area, then that area gets more time and mental energy donated to it. So You might have to do Spelling 5 days a week. (Almost all our subjects are done only 4 days a week). Or you might have that subject added on. For example in addition to "Math" on his checklist, Youngest has "Math games" which works on math drill. Or you might have the subject covered in multiple areas. Eldest has, "Duolingo" which means he has to earn 40XP a day working on his French lessons on Duolingo. He also has the subject "French Books" which means he reads a French book ever day. He also has the subject "French Smart" which means he does 3 to 4 pages of his "Complete French Smart" workbook. 

 

 

Ever month I make a new check list and think about goals and rearrange things as needed. I try to never make more than one change a month, so it's never a big chance or leap in requirements. 

Edited June 28, 2017 by Julie Smith

[Julie Smith]

To avoid stress by piling on to much stuff. I only make ONE change a month per child. 

 

One month:

I upgraded Eldest from doing spelling 4 days a week, to 5 days a week. 
I added typing to Youngest check list. 

Next month: 
I made the subject Reading a 5 day a week subject for Eldest. (Instead of 4 day a week)
I made Reading a 5 day a week subject for Youngest (Instead of a 4 day a week)
 

 

But those changes one a month can add up to 12 changes a year, which can let you work things out. But forcing yourself to that one a month rule you never overwhelm yourself or your kids. 

 

 

[luuknam]

How do you define "behind" in your family? What is "behind" for you or for your kids? 

 

 

Roughly speaking, for my kids, I feel like "behind" is if they're less than a year ahead.  :leaving:

 

I also feel like I'm behind if I'm slacking and not getting things done. We've barely touched the Decimals & Percents book in the past few months... we started it in February iirc, and we should've finished it by now, but life, and an unexpected move happened, so, it's still not quite done, even though I really thought it'd be done. We did Fractions in less than a month, for comparison... It's a different feeling of "behind" though, since it still puts my kid above grade level and I'm not concerned about his math, more just annoyed with myself. 

 

I used to freak out about "behind"... like when my oldest was almost 1.5 years behind in speech when he was 2.5yo, or when he was 4 and was tested to have a verbal IQ of 75. Currently, I don't like "behind", but it doesn't bug me as much. Oldest's writing is like a weak kid at grade level, but we've got time, and he's been making steady progress - I've got hope that he might end up being like a strong kid for grade level in a few years, if not ahead... but who knows. He's clearly 2E, and I can't wave a magic wand, but when things start clicking for him, he does very well. So, I'll wait with freaking out until 7th or 8th grade if he's still quite weak in writing.

[HS Mom in NC]

If you're a NeoClassical Trivium homeschooler who cares about getting all 3 rotations of history/science in then "being behind" is a useful term.  If you want your child to take a standardized test in high school about the same time other highschoolers do for college applications, then "being behind" is a real thing if it seems the current pace they're in for the skills in the subjects tested isn't going to get them where they need to be by then.   If your child has to compete or turn in something for a deadline your created for whatever reason (teaching time management skills, participating in a group event/class, applying for an opportunity of some sort, etc.) then "being behind" is an essential concept.  So no, I don't think that homeschoolers should categorically do away with the term "being behind." I think it's extremely rare that anything is categorically true of the millions of homeschoolers in the world.

Sure, some homeschoolers opt out of those kinds of things, but plenty of us opt in and find the term useful.  It doesn't have to be emotionally loaded unless we choose to react that way, but it's an indication that where we wanted to be at this time doesn't match with where we actually are.  Then once we recognize that we can choose other options like: picking up the pace, lengthening the amount of time we regularly do whatever it is, changing our goals and pursuits, changing the approach or techniques, and other options I didn't immediately think of.

If you want to take a do the next thing approach, go for it!  Don't apologize and don't spend time worrying about whether or not others should take that approach.  If you want to take a planned/scheduled approach, go for it!  Don't apologize and don't spend time worrying about whether or not others should take that approach.  Just weigh your options, make your choices, adjust as needed, continue with what works for your situation, and drop what doesn't.

[heartlikealion]

I feel behind because maybe I'm wanting to do X and we don't finish it and then I want to start it later, but now we've "outgrown" that grade level. Like, we didn't finish Elementary History. It's geared for K-2 or something. I still want us to finish it. I don't even think I care anymore what grade level it has on it. But I also want ds to do something with world history this year. So I don't know how that'll work. I just know that at some point I want us to finish it. It's not like he remembered everything we did when we were on schedule. He went to brick & mortar last year (3rd) and learned about some of the same people but didn't remember that it was something we had covered. Sigh.

 

Off and on I've felt "behind" because my family doesn't do the read alouds. I tried. I really did. But ds would be right there next to me and I'd have to summarize or repeat what I said every few minutes. It was torture. He'll be tested soon for APD. So I'm just like okay, whatever, this is my kid and my family and we'll just have to go with the flow. What works for some just doesn't apply to everyone. If I did everything just right and on time and he didn't retain it, what's the point?

 

I try so hard to get a jump start in the summer, but dh is like, "he doesn't need to do school today" or ds is like, "I need a break" and I don't even ask much! Get on board, people. I'm trying to enjoy our winter vacation later, not make us do school work while visiting family. :glare: I just wish my family was more in sync. I'm debating when to reactivate our time4learning.com account. They added a summer program! But we have other things we can do this summer (we were given a summer book, we have math we're reviewing and ds is finishing up his summer reading for the library program).

 

All this to say yeah, I get it. I think I need to spread our schooling out over a longer period of time, closer to a year round schedule maybe? I don't know. Once fall is here we'll be trying to participate in events and things that will definitely throw us off. It's like pulling teeth to get anyone to do school when we visit family "oh the cousins are here" "but it's vacation" etc. etc.

 

I did buy two planners (recommended in the planner thread) so I can more easily see how much we're covering in each subject. That might help me to see where we are lacking. Mostly I tell myself if we're doing well in Language Arts and Math we're not too bad off. I do feel badly when I neglect other subjects, though.

[IsabelC]

I feel that 'behind' is just a word: it could be used informatively and constructively, or it could be used negatively and unproductively. 

It also has various meanings. For example, it could relate to a real world requirement (your state education law mandates that you do x number of 'hours of schooling' for the year, you are 3/4 of the way through the year but have only done 1/3 of the necessary hours), it could relate to an arbitrary external standard (your child is 9 and can't read yet, when most children that age can), or it could relate to a goal that is personal to you (you wanted to finish the whole math book but you had to back up because your student wasn't understanding the material) or a particular child (he wanted to take a mid year music exam but decides to defer because the planned amount of practice didn't happen). It could even be a child who is objectively 2 years 'ahead' of her peers, but is bored by the complete lack of challenge and needs to be 3 years 'ahead' to be in the right place for her.
 

In any case, it's not something to experience extreme stress over; as Spudater said, I think it's just a flag for us to take a closer look at what's going on and consider whether a particular case of 'behind' is actually a problem, and if so, how we're going to address it. 
 

Edited June 30, 2017 by IsabelC