Alternative to "time outs"

[Ma Bear Up North]

I believe in letting the "time match the crime" discipline. I feel sitting in the corner doesn't make a learning situation. I will spank when necessary, but not all "crimes" are disobedience. Does anyone have any creative approaches to discipline. One example I have done for my 14y male child; If he is in the pantry or refigerator when he is not supposed to be, he has to clean off a shelf and contents. Any others?:grouphug:

[VaKim]

Well, my girls go to bed later than I do (but before their dad), so they are supposed to make a run through the house and make sure everything of theirs is put away before they go to bed. They kept "forgetting" and I would find cups and shoes and such in the morning. I told them that if I find anything else left out, the owner will have to go to bed when I do that night so that I can remind them to clean up, since they didn't seem to be able to do it without a reminder. (Dh is no good for reminding either.) I go to bed at 7, so I haven't found any "forgotten" items since instituting that. :)

[Emmy]

I have 2 that I can think of.

 

If I give direction for a room to be picked up then anything left out when I return to check is taken out to the garage for an indefinite amount of time. The premise of this idea is that they can't have more toys in their room than they can organize and put away -if they can't put things away, they must have too many toys in their room.

 

The other is related to sibling conflict. Having 4 boys in close age I run into a lot of the kids being unkind to each other or falling into a negative pattern of making fun or teasing each other. To resolve it, I require the child that is being rude to "do a kindness" for the sibling he is being unkind to. That can be an act of service (helping the sibling with a chore) or it can be a kindness of time (reading a book to the child, playing a game with them, etc).

[milovany]

One of my fave child training books talks about "taking a break" as compared to the traditional "time out". You're right, a "time out" just makes the person go away and wait for x-number of minutes to pass. The child may or may not get why, and the consequence may do nothing to change the behavior, and it doesn't do anything to address the *heart* issue behind the misbehavior.

 

With "taking a break" it's more like this: "Child, please go to your room and sit on your bed (no playing or reading or anything). You can come out when you can tell me what you did wrong, why it was wrong and what you're going to do differently next time."

 

This leads to putting the ending of the "break" on the *child* rather than on the parent or the clock. The child has to think, has to process what happened and what a better choice would have been. We've used this approach much and it works really well, actually.

 

HTH!

[Rosie_0801]

If your boy is so hungry he can't keep out of the fridge, I guess he ought to cook something up. Enough for everyone, and clean up afterwards.

Rosie

[tibbyl]

I believe in letting the "time match the crime" discipline. I feel sitting in the corner doesn't make a learning situation. I will spank when necessary, but not all "crimes" are disobedience. Does anyone have any creative approaches to discipline. One example I have done for my 14y male child; If he is in the pantry or refigerator when he is not supposed to be, he has to clean off a shelf and contents. Any others?:grouphug:

 

I agree that forcing child to sit in a corner does not make for a learning situation.

 

Based upon the information provided, I am having a problem seeing exactly what the problem is with a young man getting something out of pantry or refrigerator? Teenagers can have tremendous surges in appetites at that age becausae of growth spurts; have you considered that he may *need* the extra calories? That he is being responsible by taking care of his own needs?

 

You indicate you desire a learning situation. How about discussing nutrition with your son or doing a health or home ec unit on foods and nutrition? Instead of making refrigerator/pantry off limits, how about teaching the young man how to prepare simple nutritious family meals and snacks?

 

As for attempting to modify child's behavior by inflicting physical pain, however brief, upon them, my only question is what happens when they become as strong or stronger than the parent? What self-respecting teenager is going to stand by while a parent hits them with their hand or an object?

 

Letting kids know you love them, setting limits, carefully laying out expectations, allowing and encouraging freedom of thought, and being reasonable go much farther than fear of punishment in raising a decent, responsible human. Too strong a focus on punishment and fear of punishment gets in way of building a trusting relationship with our children.

 

I really liked the post someone made here not too long about being "tellable." In essence, the poster was saying that we need to guide our children without using fear and humiliation so they can trust enough in us to confide in us when they have gone astray.

[milovany]

Based upon the information provided, I am having a problem seeing exactly what the problem is with a young man getting something out of pantry or refrigerator? Teenagers can have tremendous surges in appetites at that age becausae of growth spurts; have you considered that he may *need* the extra calories? That he is being responsible by taking care of his own needs?

 

As for attempting to modify child's behavior by inflicting physical pain, however brief, upon them, my only question is what happens when they become as strong or stronger than the parent? What self-respecting teenager is going to stand by while a parent hits them with their hand or an object?

 

I agree about the 14 yo and tremendous appetites part! We have a now-15 year old son and we've told him that if he's extra hungry (beyond meals, regular snacks), he's welcome to fix himself something. I sometimes keep frozen hamburger patties in the freezer just for him.

 

I also wanted to comment on the spanking a 14 yo part of the post; I agree with you, it would be very difficult and awkward to spank a 14yo. However, we do utilize a spankings-for-disobedience-but-done-calmly-and-in-love approach in the early years and if done well it's been our experience that by 10-11 or so years old the need for them has pretty much gone away. There doesn't seem to me much outright/willful disobedience at that point. And dh and I both have GREAT relationships with all our children, spanking has not created any kind of resentment or some similar thing.

[Joanne]

I'm a bit baffled. When I was reading your post, I was expecting a much younger child with typical younger child issues.

 

I think it's awful to even consider spanking a child that age.

 

 

I believe in letting the "time match the crime" discipline. I feel sitting in the corner doesn't make a learning situation. I will spank when necessary, but not all "crimes" are disobedience. Does anyone have any creative approaches to discipline. One example I have done for my 14y male child; If he is in the pantry or refigerator when he is not supposed to be, he has to clean off a shelf and contents. Any others?

 

Is he truly hungry? If so (and I have a hungry male teen), he must eat something with protein. If it's been a disrespectful use of resources (money, used food planned for something else), he can repay it.

 

Come to think of it, though, I don't micro manage my older children in the kitchen.

 

I have a whole website detailing how to go about thinking about non punitiive discipline; discipline that matches the behavior.

[SonshineLearner]

Oh wow, you can keep a 14 yr old out of the fridge? When my brother was this age, my mom would buy those cheap little pizzas (Tony's) and he would eat those and other food....all the time. At our table, my mom always had great healthy food for him...and then he'd eat tons of that, too. "Boys need lots of hard physical work, lots of food, and lots of sleep" :-)

 

PS. She didn't talk about spanking her 14 yr old. ;-) And, even though it's not all discipline I'd use, there's a book called "Creative Discipline." I don't use it all....I use what I agree with and spit out the rest.....

[LilyK]

I thank God that I can have an open fridge/pantry policy in my home. However, I did not growing up, and I have had several friends who, when the teenage boy years hit, had to put limits on food because these boys would actually eat them out of house and home if given free reign. If that is the issue with you, may I suggest that you stock your home with very inexpensive staples. Peanut butter and jelly (from Costco), top ramen, spaghetti, and mac and cheese. These are items that my kids can have plow through to their hearts' content. The other stuff, I let them at it, but if we run out, they learn to do without until the following weekend.

 

Sorry to make assumptions. The issue might not be money at all, but weight issues, or anything else.

 

But as far as the actual discipline, I'm not a fan of the time out either. It worked for my older kids, but has not been effective with my munchkins. What I've had success with is making them do push-ups. It gives them a chance to get some blood pumping through them so they can expend some energy. I do my granny version push-ups with them so that they know that I am really on their side. In the end, they have let out some steam without building up resentment, and they are much more willing to listen. If they can't do push-ups, doing jumping jacks would probably work too.

 

I have to say, I've tried the spanking thing, and it really was negative and unproductive for us. I hope you can find some positive options that work for your family.

[Ma Bear Up North]

Thank you all for responding. Since I am new to all this its great getting input. We have 4 kids: D 18, S 14, S 10, S8. That's why I am looking for ideas. The 14 yo goes to the refig or pantry as a distraction from what needs to be done. It goes like this: I ask him to go bring in laundry, he goes to pantry then doesnt do the job because he "forgets". I am trying to keep him from developing a bad habit of putting off or not doing a task. All the kids eat well & have 2- 3 snacks every day, so I dont think it's because he is just hungry. Thanks again! Ma Bear:lurk5:

[Dayle in Guatemala]

have you ever seen the book "Creative Correction" by Lisa Whelchel? It's full of ideas. It's not necessarily meant to be read from cover to cover, it's a book with common issues in families as the titles of the different chapters and in the chapter is creative ways to teach the desired behavior. Some of them are really great and funny, some are more serious. It's such a big help to me and I've gotten it as baby shower gifts for friends. It's a good book. She's a homeschooling mom as well and is real about her daily experiences. I would highly recommend it.