The emotional, self centered.... Pt2 from 2011

[Fallenqueen]

I came across this forum by chance..

I been schrolling the Internet looking for answers.. and a topic came up CALLED THE EMOTIONAL,SELF CENTRED,LI.. where a member MOM21&j started a topic of her son aged 8.in 2011

 

My son is the SAME, His now 9 ..and his emontial state is very erratic.. I took it that he had followed from me as I am a highly emotional person... but he is a very very literal little boy. His tantrums are out of control at home but OK else where (home he feels safe I guess)

Although like MOM21 I came across and considered asperjez but he doesn't fit the bill.

Although he has tantrums if we change plans when out he gets emotional upset to the point his erratic and wants to keep getting his point across... his flash in the pan temper means he will throw things name call and occasionally hit.

 

I have tried sending him to his room but he won't go and now his defience is "I don't need to listen to you " or "tell his younger brother not to listen"... but on the otherside he is a very compassionate child so considerate and well aware of how others feel and tends to them if upset he truely relates and comforts others in their upset.considerate compassionate.

 

He sooo loves animals and has a amazing relationship with them all even ones he don't know... but I worry I worry for how I react also..I try to keep my cool I do so I fear half comes down to myself . Some days I can keep my calm and others I just have to shout knowing full well that this does nothing at all for the process..

 

we have reward charts.. where he falls far behind his brother and sees he is behind and gets disheartened by the process.

He now says when upset "I don't want to be a bad child I can't help it .. I can't stop I really try" this breaks my heart and mass guilt fills me that I am failing him at such a young age and that I will fail his future.... it makes me cry ..

 

We have a rule we never lie and we have stuck to it but recently he says things that aren't true and won't take blame like all children I know .. but I am sure it's because he knows I become cross and we have discussed that truth is better and not so bad than the lie...

if we go shoping and it's more than for what we discussed or another shop he has counted he gets fed up starts to act up and the whole shop becomes such hard work from having a tantrum to dragging the trolley... that I want to avoid going shops with him. ..

He is so highly emotional that he is so very sensitive,vulnerable in himself and words hurt him his a thinker and takes it all in ponders over it ...

 

he was made to wear a headband to school due to long hair to keep off his face as roo short for a pony tail; the tears episodes we had to get this transition to happen ...that the class/year he is in had to be spoken to not to mention it.. like me he hates change. So i put it down to having similarities like me.. but I do fear that when he grows I won't have control and he won't listen ... his a good child but it's got to the stage his tired I am tired and I have thrown in words such as comparing the children ..my younger don't do that like eldest.. wrong ! I knoe and as soon as I say it i hate myself... I tried to change my method when he out grew the quite step which he didn't need to much but now he won't use his room to calm.

.he tries he does but once that cloud of emotional panic sets in there's no calming him, shouting his words full of tears..I did start to hold him which helped but some days I end up in this mess and my temper rises.. then my balance of being the parent fails us.

His a good boy and I don't want to lose who he is...

On a occasion such as when we are out with friends he and one other have a love hate relationship one minute they play then it's tell Talls (friends since 1) but now the other child finds even the smallest thing to try get my son in trouble to me .. and this upsets him they argue .. he gets blame and then reacts.. even to the point I been at friends and their son is telling me my child hit him and I have to say he is not even here.(because he wasnt).

I know it's not one sided, it's not one or the other but enveitably my son gets the main blame ..he doesn't tell tall he reacts to one who does to him and yes like children take part and also does things wrong..

I always told him if he lies to me I won't be able to trust him in situations like this ..how will I know if his telling the truth and it worked for a while but I think he has be told off so much he has lost this belief.. it's a struggle to get back alot of them time (not all).. his also dyselxic and has a memory level of less that 10% he can be told something,walk into another room forget and just start doing aomething else.. he can't concentrate in a task if someone is making noise or something is going on which causes him to get frustrated and lose it.

 

he is also a visual learner(as I) .. he has to be shown and explained how and why to understand a task and his school although lovely and small just doesn't have the funds to give him the one to one.they then over look how they should or what they should be doing with him as they have 30 other children to contend with. We have though of moving him but currently if ee do and he doesnt like the new school it will make him more fragile at prrsent he likes school .

With his literal personality he takes it exactly how you say ... one day for example it was fancy dress as school and his teacher had said "he must make a effort and can't come In normal clothes" so my eldest that morning refused to put normal clothes on underneath and then didn't want to dress up and was adiment he couldn't go in and it had to be school uniform. .. this rose to him being in a state and I tried to explain calmly that the teacher ment he couldn't just go in jeans .. but try have a costume.. he won't have it, for half hour to 40mins crying panic he didn't want to go in school wrong be laughed at.. stand out .we had tears upset panic .. I tried messaging mums as he wanted proof ,I had to wait till someone arrived at school to phone and ask ..so that he could see I checkEd and then he calmed ..but this is also because I (wouldn't say I have learning difficulties)but I do get things wrong alot.. I have very bad time management and I am mildly dyslexic...so between us for him it is very difficult at times... but I tell him these aren't excuses to be lazy at all..

When he is focused and enjoying something he is a calmer collected happy child but I canot nkeep him focused all the time I have to do things also .. life. .

But I do worry for his emotional state his inability to control his upset because for him is very real and important at that moment.and it is his a child..his 9 ... ... I don't want him to feel emotinally all over the place.. I don't want to fail him... he is a lovely child.. I need to well balance and calm his mind ... I saw these book links on the orginal feed

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?k=what+to+do+when+your+temper+flares+a+child+guid

These all relate to him the on temper worry (he is a big worrier,)and others.. they maybe a good read but with his dyslexia some are not easy for him to Follow.. anyone read these think their any good .. we could read together.. but they must also be fun otherwise his attention span is gone...

X thank you for reading this essay .. xx

Edited February 1, 2017 by Fallenqueen

[Guest]

I'm sorry but I'm having a hard time reading your post! Would you mind editing it a bit by checking some of the weird typo spellings that don't make much sense and adding some paragraph breaks? That would help us understand and be able to offer advice or sympathy much more easily :)

[Garga]

Have you had any formal assessments done for him? Has any teacher said anything about ADHD or dyslexia or anything like that?

[Storygirl]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

There is a sub forum on these boards called the Learning Challenges board. You might think about posting specific questions there, because there are many people there who have experience parenting children like these.

 

It sounds like you are overwhelmed, and I know what that is like. The things that you have described could be due to ADHD, sensory processing issues, or even autism, but the only way to find out is to get evaluations. Have you talked to your pediatrician about these issues? That is a place to start.

 

Is his school a private school or public? Either way, the public school has a federal mandate to evaluate children for learning disabilities. People on the LC board can give you a lot of advice about how you might go about this. Check with his teachers to see what kind of trouble he is having in the classroom, if you have not already done that.

 

It's hard to feel overwhelmed, but there is a community of helpful people here. I hope you get some good advice.

[Innisfree]

What you describe sounds very much like my dd, who has an autism diagnosis, at that age. I would also recommend a complete evaluation. Please know that life can often get much better and easier once you have an accurate diagnosis and appropriate support.

 

In the meantime, the book you linked might be a good one to share with him, but I would particularly recommend The Explosive Child for you to read.

 

It sounds like you may be in the UK, rather than the US. I'm not sure where you would need to start for evaluations, but I'd start by talking with your pediatrician and making clear just how hard life is for your son.

 

Try to go prepared with a list of the sorts of situations which cause problems, and be persistent. Getting started can be hard, but help is available.

[Guest]

I am having trouble understanding you too, but since you mentioned that your son is nine, I think it might make you feel better to search the forums for posts about nine year old boys.

 

I have one of those. Mine is neurotypical, he's just got s typical nine year old 'tude, i.e, mouthy, argumentative, procrastinates doing the simplest independent work but also very sensitive and emotional and constantly needing to be reminded, "No, you're not bad. No, you're not stupid. No, I don't hate you. No, you don't smell bad."

 

I second the recommendation for The Explosive Child, regardless of whether your nine year old boy is just being a nine year old boy or whether the evaluation turns up something more than that.

 

One more one more thing: If you don't want to enable javascript, you don't have to; just hit the "edit" button and then the "submit modified post" button and your formatting will magically reappear, give or take a few "&nbsp"s and random stuff that is easier for us to disregard.

Edited February 1, 2017 by Guest

[Jean in Newcastle]

Your long runon sentences are very difficult to read.

 

I agree that an evaluation would be helpful. Our pediatrician was able to give us referrals for an evaluation with a neuropsychologist. I would not rule out Autism spectrum disorder. But a neuropsychologist can help you to sort that out. If for some reason you need some parenting help, they can direct you to resources for that as well. Good luck.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Moonhawk]

Addressing the dresscode misunderstanding and your request for books to read together:

 

I was talking with a mom-friend a couple of weeks ago. Her son is autistic, very sweet, very literal, and given to explosions/meltdowns when things are too much.  She highly recommended the Amelia Bedelia series (she was talking about chapter books for this age, but I think the original shorter versions would work too) because they were funny, and also were helping her son see that not everything is literal or should be taken literally, i.e. "draw the curtains" or "raining cats and dogs". Even if your son isn't autistic, and even if he isn't THAT literal, these may be a fun thing to read together and may help -- at the very least, I don't think it could hurt. 

 

I understand having a highly emotional child can be difficult, and your description of trying to hold him sometimes helps makes me think of a discipline book I read last year which was very helpful. Yes, you need to be the one that is steady in those situations, but maybe reading about how his brain may be working in those situations will help put it in perspective and make your job easier.  I'll come back and edit my post with the title when I find it.  

[Fallenqueen]

I'm sorry but I'm having a hard time reading your post! Would you mind editing it a bit by checking some of the weird typo spellings that don't make much sense and adding some paragraph breaks? That would help us understand and be able to offer advice or sympathy much more easily :)

[Fallenqueen]

Sorry I have adjusted hope helps .. xx

[Fallenqueen]

Thank you so much for your response.

I am in the UK. I hope that's OK.. it was the first time I found a discussion (the orginal) like my son.

We have a thing here called the nessy test, which is a short version for children taking the dyslexia test. All of his categories where below 40%.

The school promised extra memory lessons to help him but yet still even reasking have not happened .

The school is one that is kind ..don't fear cuddling children and look after rather than here the big schools he would become lost within the system..

Thank you "storygirl" I will try to find those challenge boards ... I am not very famiLur with forums...

I haven't been to the gp as I thought these are things children go through stages... and where do I begin .. I also don't want to try get him a label when he doesn't need one and is only a "growing stage" but I greatly worry it will get worse for him in his head .. and cause problems in hospital life when the panic/worry/upset sets in...but I will I will call gp and ask ...

I will also look up "the explosive child" we always read a book at bedtime and these will be good to discuss and read when calm and focused. I will also look up the Amelia bedilia series thank you moon hawke. Yes please.

Thank you aLloyd so kindly for your time it is greatly appreciated.

Me and my partner separated when my oldest was 6 so he was at a stage aware as my youngest was 3.. I feel although he doesn't nesassarily have issues directly related I wonder if the mass up heavl has not helped around his literal thinking and life. My youngest is completely horizontal but also contributes to winding him up as siblings do...

My youngest yesterday home poorly said "I don't miss (eldest child) tantrums but I miss him " that made me sad. Last night my eldest had a explosion of temper because it was my youngests turn to pick the game.. he became so overwhelmed crying trying to get his point across ripped up the box .. I kept calmed and waited and explained it is now hospital brothers turn having had his. But his tears and upset break my heart because he is clearly feeling intense about what his going through.

Thank you I will call the gp and look at the board .. I will let you know .. I so very much appreciate it all xxx

[Fallenqueen]

Thank you so much for your response.

I am in the UK. I hope that's OK.. it was the first time I found a discussion (the orginal) like my son.

We have a thing here called the nessy test, which is a short version for children taking the dyslexia test. All of his categories where below 40%.

The school promised extra memory lessons to help him but yet still even reasking have not happened .

The school is one that is kind ..don't fear cuddling children and look after rather than here the big schools he would become lost within the system..it is a public village school ...here in the UK although statisticlynda they have to show they have all types of children the help is very limited and they don't push too much as the more the are recognised with issues that need suport this in the end affects Thier percent of doing well as a school.

Thank you "storygirl" I will try to find those challenge boards ... I am not very famiLur with forums...

I haven't been to the gp as I thought these are things children go through stages... and where do I begin .. I also don't want to try get him a label when he doesn't need one and is only a "growing stage" but I greatly worry it will get worse for him in his head .. and cause problems in later life when the panic/worry/upset sets in maybe he needs someone to talk to ?..but I will I will call gp and ask ...

I will also look up "the explosive child" we always read a book at bedtime and these will be good to discuss and read when calm and focused.

I will also look up the Amelia bedilia series thank you moon hawke. Yes please.

Thank you aLloyd so kindly for your time it is greatly appreciated.

Me and my partner separated when my oldest was 6 so he was at a stage aware as my youngest was 3.. I feel although he doesn't nesassarily have issues directly related I wonder if the mass up heval has not helped around his literal thinking and life. My youngest is completely horizontal but also contributes to winding him up as siblings do...

My youngest yesterday home poorly said "I don't miss (eldest child) tantrums but I miss him " that made me sad. Last night my eldest had a explosion of temper because it was my youngests turn to pick the game.. he became so overwhelmed crying trying to get his point across ripped up the box .. I kept calmed and waited and explained it is now hospital brothers turn having had his. But his tears and upset break my heart because he is clearly feeling intense about what his going through.

Thank you I will call the gp and look at the board .. I will let you know .. I so very much appreciate it all I'm glad I found you xxx

[Fallenqueen]

Thank you so much for your response.

I am in the UK. I hope that's OK.. it was the first time I found a discussion (the orginal) like my son.

We have a thing here called the nessy test, which is a short version for children taking the dyslexia test. All of his categories where below 40%.

The school promised extra memory lessons to help him but yet still even reasking have not happened .

The school is one that is kind ..don't fear cuddling children and look after rather than here the big schools he would become lost within the system..it is a public village school ...here in the UK although statisticly they have to show they have all types of children the help is very limited and they don't push too much as the more the are recognised with issues that need suport this in the end affects Thier percent of doing well as a school.

I don't think he carries alot of the ADHD signs or autism...apart from being VERY LITERAL and these explosions and upset he is a normal child. (If such a thing)

If you tell him something he believes it as it is..such as the dressing up at school ..

 

Thank you "storygirl" I will try to find those challenge boards ... I am not very famiLur with forums...

I haven't been to the gp as I thought these are things children go through stages... and where do I begin .. I also don't want to try get him a label when he doesn't need one and is only a "growing stage" but I greatly worry it will get worse for him in his head .. and cause problems in later life when the panic/worry/upset sets in maybe he needs someone to talk to ?..but I will I will call gp and ask ... as for the sensory processing issues he complains alot if his brother is doing something and he is trying to do his reading or times table and then the upset starts..crying shouting...

I will also look up "the explosive child" we always read a book at bedtime and these will be good to discuss and read when calm and focused.

I will also look up the Amelia bedilia series thank you moon hawke. Yes please.

Thank you aLloyd so kindly for your time it is greatly appreciated.

Me and my partner separated when my oldest was 6 so he was at a stage aware as my youngest was 3.. I feel although he doesn't nesassarily have issues directly related I wonder if the mass up heval has not helped around his literal thinking and life. My youngest is completely horizontal but also contributes to winding him up as siblings do...

My youngest yesterday home poorly said "I don't miss (eldest child) tantrums but I miss him " that made me sad. Last night my eldest had a explosion of temper because it was my youngests turn to pick the game.. he became so overwhelmed crying trying to get his point across ripped up the box .. I kept calm, waited and explained it is now his brothers turn having had his. But his tears and upset break my heart because he is clearly feeling intense about what his going through.

Thank you I will call the gp and look at the board .. I will let you know .. I so very much appreciate it all I'm glad I found you xxx

Edited February 1, 2017 by Fallenqueen

[Fallenqueen]

I forgot to say his father is a primary school teacher .. but he doesn't feel he needs anything.. I am not sure if he feels I am trying to amount nothing into something or he doesn't want his son to have issues....

[Fallenqueen]

I forgot to say his father is a primary school teacher .. but he doesn't feel he needs anything.. I am not sure if he feels I am trying to amount nothing into something or he doesn't want his son to have issues.... he sees them for one weekend every two weeks and one day after school each week.

[Fallenqueen]

I forgot to say his father is a primary school teacher .. but he doesn't feel he needs anything.. I am not sure if he feels I am trying to amount nothing into something or he doesn't want his son to have issues.... he sees them for one weekend every two weeks and one day after school each week.

[Innisfree]

Certainly you are welcome to post here. We have people posting from all over the world; although the majority are in the US, other are in the UK, Australia and elsewhere.

 

It can be hard to know what behavior is part of the "normal" range, or just a stage, and what is more unusual and requires extra help. If you are worried about your son, or feel that his difficulties are making his life harder than it should be, asking for an evaluation is a reasonable step.

 

It can be hard for fathers (or mothers!) to recognize when their kids need help, especially when they aren't together all the time. We all want our children to be healthy and smart and perfect in every way, and admitting that isn't the case can be difficult.

 

At the same time, as a teacher, your partner may have insight into the range of normal kid behavior. He may turn out to be correct that your son's behavior falls within that range. It's still okay to ask a professional for an evaluation to make sure.

 

My own philosophy is that the worst outcome is not having a label or diagnosis. The worst outcome is having a condition that could be helped, but not receiving help because a parent is frightened of a label. We only have eighteen years or so to help our kids toward an independent adulthood. We need to use that time while we have it to identify and provide the help they need.

 

The Explosive Child is a fantastic book, but it is not for kids. It's for you to read, to help you deal with your son's meltdowns.

 

I hope you'll read more here and keep asking questions. The Learning Challenges board here is especially good for the issues you're having. You'll find helpful people with lots of experience and insight.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I hope that some of our members in the UK will chime in on how to get evaluations.  I'm not sure if it is the same process as the US.  I will say, however, that a test for dyslexics is not the same as a full evaluation by a neuropsychologist. 

[lailasmum]

I'm in the UK. I would go to your GP with your concerns. It would be a good place to start. Even if they don't see the issues or he doesn't get assessment they may be able to help in other ways. Maybe write a list of the behaviors and challenges to take with you.

 

A close friend of mine had parenting support with her children, she attended a group and they helped her to cope better and have her time to talk things through. 2 of her 4 kids have since had aspergers diagnoses but that took several years and being assessed twice a few years apart for one of them.

Edited February 1, 2017 by lailasmum