Anxiety due to receiving gifts

[Mrs.Wilson]

I posted a little about this in the venting thread, but I wonder if anyone else deals with anxiety when it comes to receiving gifts.

 

When I was little my dad remarried a woman that had two daughters of her own.  She always made a point of preferring her own daughters over my dad's.  It was worse at Christmas.  For some reason my parents would pass all the gifts out to each person and then we would all take turns opening them one at a time.  My stepmother always made a point of giving her daughters things that we wanted/asked for while we didn't get the item or would get the "next best thing" instead.  One year backpack purses were all the rage.  Of course, I asked for one for Christmas.  And, to my surprise, I received one!  That is until my stepmother snatched it out of my hands and said it was meant for my stepsister and I was supposed to get "the other one".  There wasn't another one.  So, because of this I have anxiety when it comes to receiving gifts, especially opening gifts in front of people.  I tend to "wear my heart of my sleeve" so I can't even hide my dislike for a gifts.  

 

My husband is dealing with a little bit of depression this year, because we aren't going to be able to see family for Christmas.  He doesn't like Christmas anyway, so this is magnified.  Because of that he's really dropped the ball on buying me anything.  Even though I've given him two detailed lists (he didn't like the first one, because he said it was things I needed, not wanted) he says he doesn't know what to get me.  When I reminded him of the lists he said, "I want to get you something that you didn't know you wanted".  So, now I'm anxious about opening presents and really hope he just doesn't get me anything.  I would rather just buy my own gifts after Christmas.

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug:

 

Your step-female person was a nasty piece of work, wasn't she?

 

The only "solution" to balance yours and your husband's needs is to buy yourself five presents *before* Christmas and put them under the tree, wrapped so they look pretty.

[happi duck]

(hugs)

[quark]

Hugs. I buy my own gifts. Really, it makes me so much happier to do so. If DH wants to give me something, I ask for cash.

 

Your step mom sounds icky. I'm really sorry you had to grow up with someone like that.

 

ETA: Rosie, I wish I could like your posts. Consider yours liked very much!

Edited December 13, 2016 by quark

[Guest]

:grouphug:

 

Your step-female person was a nasty piece of work, wasn't she?

 

The only "solution" to balance yours and your husband's needs is to buy yourself five presents *before* Christmas and put them under the tree, wrapped so they look pretty.

Sometimes opinions can be debated.

Sometimes opinions are just facts in disguise. Everything Rosie write here is of the latter variety.

 

You've got issues around Christmas and so does your dh. Grab the bi... The bull by the horns and get the thing (Christmas) taken care of.

 

Dh may mope...but yanno, he might mope regardless.

[RioSamba]

I'm so sorry about your step-monster, what a cruel woman. Hugs for little girl you and hugs for today you.

[freesia]

:grouphug:

 

Your step-female person was a nasty piece of work, wasn't she?

 

The only "solution" to balance yours and your husband's needs is to buy yourself five presents *before* Christmas and put them under the tree, wrapped so they look pretty.

 

I agree.  She was horrid!  I can't even believe she was able to treat you that way. 

 

And, yes, but yourself something you love and put it under the tree.

[Cecropia]

I have a lot of anxiety over gifts (I posted about it in the vent thread too).  Right now I am anticipating a very expensive and unwanted gift for Christmas, and my anxiety is through the roof! :willy_nilly:

 

It is partly the fear of receiving a surprise, because like you, I wear my heart on my sleeve.  It is pretty inevitable that the person giving me the gift will perceive my lack.of.delight!!!! despite my best efforts to conjure up a happy face.  It often takes some time for a surprise to sink in and grow on me.  Sometimes I end up really loving the item, but at first I usually feel taken aback.

 

The other part is that I hate it when others spend money on me.  I think that's because I was raised to implicitly know that gifts should be repaid (so in receiving one, I am indebted), or at least gifts come with certain expectations, while at the same time the giver made it impossible to reject their gifts.  As an adult I have more choice to be firm in rejecting their gifts, but it makes the whole indebtedness/guilt even worse, because now you've really done it... you've hurt someone's feelings when they were only trying to be nice...  The anxiety level goes higher with the amount that is spent, since the debt matches it.  The only way I can be at peace with an expensive gift is if it is a practical gift, like needing a replacement for the broken sewing machine (something used for mending as well as fun, so in a way it is a gift to the household).

 

In the end I feel like the "invisible baby", the perfect term that I think SparklyUnicorn coined in my issues-with-postpartum-help thread months ago.  I can openly communicate to certain people over and over (for decades!) what I want or don't want, and they go ahead and do what they think is best for me anyway.  Sigh.  The funny thing is that they feel the same way about me, too... like they keep explaining how much they want to give gifts and help out, and why am I constantly going against their wishes?  If I would only stop fighting and listen for once!

 

eta: OP, my childhood issues are paltry when compared to your story, and I felt so sad when I read your post.

Edited December 14, 2016 by Cecropia

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug:  your stepmother sounds a piece of work.  and your father wasn't much better in allowing it. 

 

 

I can't give much advice other than - your stepmother treated you in an abominable fashion.  YOU. ARE. WORTH. EVERYTHING.

 

one suggestion I would make is: have you tried affirmations?  you repeat them daily.  you need to really think about what you are saying.

 

e.g.:  "I am worth receiving nice gifts".  I am worthy of good things. 

if you're religious "I am a daughter of God - and He loves me."

 

I've btdt - and am now in a very healthy place.

 

I was raised to think i couldn't have what i wanted.  with 2dd - I *really* wanted a girl - but I don't get what I want so it was going to be a boy, but I really wanted a girl - it's very circular.  US weren't as common - so I only found out in the delivery room she was a girl.

 

until she died - my grandmother would be angry when good things happened to me. I felt like she treated me as anything good that happened to me - was stealing from my sister.    to the point, when dh and I built a house - she gave my sister the money for a down payment on one.  (but she had to buy one near our grandmother. big mistake).  when I got my first mini-van (nearly 27 years ago.) - she bought one for my sister. btw: 3rd car she bought for her.  (the minivan had to have all the bells and whistles becasue she thought mine had them.. . .nope)  it was hard - but I learned to NOT "play the game".    i know - easier said than done.)

 

the other thing I would suggest you look into - there are books and websites for how to heal from daughters of narcissistic mothers. (your stepmother plays similar games.)  it can help you with the anxiety they program into you.

 

here's one helpful one.  http://www.narcissisticmother.com/

 

 

[gardenmom5]

the adivce to buy yourself something you WANT and put it under the tree is a good one.  I want to warn you - it can trigger a panic/anxiety attack. (btdt.  for years.).  do it anyway.   then repeat the affirmations that you are worth good things.  as many times as it takes.  repeat them on your way to the store - repeat them while you're standing in line and checking out.

 

YOU ARE WORTH GOOD THINGS.

[gardenmom5]

I

.  I think that's because I was raised to implicitly know that gifts should be repaid (so in receiving one, I am indebted), or at least gifts come with certain expectations, while at the same time the giver made it impossible to reject their gifts.

 

speaking from experience - when a gift has strings attached (re:: expectations) it is NOT a gift.

not everyone gives gifts out of altruistic and loving feelings.  some do it to exert control over others.  to "keep them in their debt". forcing someone to accept something they do not want - so they can keep them in their debt - does not come from love, but from the desire to control.

 

my grandmother's "strings", were heavy chains.   freedom was not giving a rat's patootie what she thought.  for real - and not just words.

[CadenceSophia]

I have this anxiety too. Fortunately, my birthday is right near Christmas so I only deal with it for a few days a year :-p.  I have never had any situation as extreme as yours, but all my life people have thought that things that I wanted were boring. I have been told outright quite a number of times that they would not buy me those things and to think of something else.. so I always had to think of things I didn't want, but assumed they would want to buy me. Then I have to go through the act of pretending to be excited about things I didn't want. 

 

A few years ago I started buying myself Christmas and birthday presents. Sometimes I have put them under the tree, sometimes I don't even mention it but on Christmas I think of going up to play with my new --whatever-- and feel better (Yeah it is usually like some obscure Botany book or language learning materials, maybe art supplies).

 

On the flip side, surprising people with things that you have no idea if they will like seems like a ridiculous waste of money to me. Far more efficient to buy the things you want. I am lucky that DH and I both have "gifts" as the very lowest scoring of the love languages. He likes surprises at Christmas, but I can get away with spending a fairly low amount of money on those random Christmas-y purchases because he doesn't have his heart all tied up in it. 

[TranquilMind]

That was really mean of her.  That's not at all normal.

 

Just tell him he is buying you something and get what you want.  Let him wrap it.   Who cares who buys it? 

 

I've been known to snag a good deal for myself and tell my husband thanks for buying me (whatever little thing).  ;)  He wraps it though and then I pretend to be surprised.  We just have fun with it. 

 

 

[gardenmom5]

early in our marriage - dh liked to "hide" my christmas gifts in something else. let's just say - that didn't work out so well.

 

one year, - it was a pair of gold earrings in a saber saw box. with the saber saw. I didn't take it out of the box. he had to.

another year - he gave me a box of chocolates. the box with the strand of pearls was inside. he had to force me to open the box.

 

my conditioning was too deep to be able to enjoy his attempts at silly surprises.

 

Eta spelling

Edited December 14, 2016 by gardenmom5