When you get along with one child more than the other...

[Mimm]

I'm much closer to Middle Child than I am to Oldest. Both are girls, 18 months apart in age. I try SO hard to treat them equally. I try very hard to nurture my relationship with Oldest. I put more effort into my relationship with Oldest, sometimes at the expense of Middle. It's so unfair. It feels like Oldest is this endless well of need that I can never possibly begin to fill.

 

Me and Middle have such an easy uncomplicated relationship. We just get along, almost never fight. Ok, every now and then, I mean, she is a 14 year old girl after all. But we can talk and laugh. She's funny and fun and just uncomplicated and easy to hang out with. She is sensitive and sweet. She's very private and I respect that. We have pretty good trust between us.

 

Me and Oldest... We've had horrible fights when her depression wasn't being managed but that's gotten better. She's dishonest and sneaks around behind my back. She values her independence above all else, to the point where if I advocate for a certain course of action, she will do the opposite. This means I'm careful in what I tell her to do. When someone wants to go against everything you say, it's going to color your relationship. I try very hard not to resent it, but I am hurt by her dismissal of me in so many areas of life. She openly admits that she's like this, it's not me just taking things personally.

 

Middle and I hang out and have shared interests. Oldest and I have almost none. Even when we do have the same interests, we don't have the same interests. We both like books, but different ones for instance. She's hurt that I am closer to Middle, but when I suggest we do something together, I get a withering look and no other response.

 

I'm not really looking for advice, but maybe commiseration? Encouragement? Stories about incredibly independent annoying children who grew up and still wanted you in their lives? :)

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Arcadia]

My incredibly independent annoying cousins, nephews and nieces are still very close knit. We just love to verbal spar and annoy each other, it's probably genetic in my side of the family. We joke that it reduce dementia. My friend had depression as a middle school child and is a very happy married self employed mom to two adorable boys now. It does get better.

 

My only sibling is high need while my interests are closer to my parents. My mom would bring me to broadway shows and afternoon tea, which my brother has no interest in. However time and finance is spent on my brother a lot more because he needs it. I was free range latchkey from young with my own bank account so my parents lack of time didn't affect me and there was more than enough money to go round then as both my parents work so anything I needed was funded.

 

My husband finds it harder to get along with our boys depending on their moods. My younger is more talkative then he can put up with while my older is more intense than he can calm. Both my boys drive me up the wall for different reasons. We do what we can. My boys are a year apart.

[AK_Mom4]

Different relationships at different seasons. Oldest DD seemed to me to be a prickly teen and we were constantly butting heads because I was the "bad guy" parent. Fast forward 8 years and we have a great relationship now she is an adult.

 

DD15 has always seemed easier to me - at 15, she is as easy to get along with as she was at 5. She doesn't seem to have the driving need as a teen to separate herself from Mom that oldest DD had. I'm hoping we still get along as well when she is an adult (I think we will).

Edited November 23, 2016 by AK_Mom4

[Guest]

My mother and grandmother did nothing but butt heads my mothers entire childhood and teenage years. My mom could not wait to move out. As soon as she graduated and got her first job she was out and on her own at 18. Back then my grandmother was far closer to the other two children the stories go. But guess what happened when they all grew up? My mom was the dependable one and grew much closer to my Grandmother. She was the one always there and that allowed me to grow up super close with my grandparents as compared to my cousins. My Mom was the only one that stepped up to care for my grandma when she was in poor health and took care of her until the end. They had a rough first 20 years, but the next 40+ were mostly wonderful.

 

I think some teenagers just need more space. Some relationships just need more space. Have faith! Once she's grown and out of the house you may develops a whole new dimension to your relationship.

[6packofun]

Relationships change over time.  There are seasons where I get along with one of my three daughters better than the others, even the dd who has been more difficult.  I think that *effort* and unconditional love are what keeps everyone sure that I don't have a favorite.  :)

[BrittanyM]

Have you ever read Nurture by Nature? It might be helpful in understanding your daughters personality better. Your relationship with her sounds very similar to my Mom's and I. There is hope as I've gotten older we are much closer and get along most of the time but sometimes we still butt heads or unintentionally misunderstand one another just because our personalities are so different. Hang in there and keep trying!

 

 

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[TranquilMind]

I'm much closer to Middle Child than I am to Oldest. Both are girls, 18 months apart in age. I try SO hard to treat them equally. I try very hard to nurture my relationship with Oldest. I put more effort into my relationship with Oldest, sometimes at the expense of Middle. It's so unfair. It feels like Oldest is this endless well of need that I can never possibly begin to fill.

 

Me and Middle have such an easy uncomplicated relationship. We just get along, almost never fight. Ok, every now and then, I mean, she is a 14 year old girl after all. But we can talk and laugh. She's funny and fun and just uncomplicated and easy to hang out with. She is sensitive and sweet. She's very private and I respect that. We have pretty good trust between us.

 

Me and Oldest... We've had horrible fights when her depression wasn't being managed but that's gotten better. She's dishonest and sneaks around behind my back. She values her independence above all else, to the point where if I advocate for a certain course of action, she will do the opposite. This means I'm careful in what I tell her to do. When someone wants to go against everything you say, it's going to color your relationship. I try very hard not to resent it, but I am hurt by her dismissal of me in so many areas of life. She openly admits that she's like this, it's not me just taking things personally.

 

Middle and I hang out and have shared interests. Oldest and I have almost none. Even when we do have the same interests, we don't have the same interests. We both like books, but different ones for instance. She's hurt that I am closer to Middle, but when I suggest we do something together, I get a withering look and no other response.

 

I'm not really looking for advice, but maybe commiseration? Encouragement? Stories about incredibly independent annoying children who grew up and still wanted you in their lives? :)

 

I have an oldest that has made my hair go white (no depression though, just "cussedness", as the old folks used to say).  What IS it about the oldest?  I've heard this story over and over.  My oldest sibling was also this person. My spouse's oldest sibling was this person.  Some friends I have had along the way that were oldest children were this person. 

 

Good news is that they aren't easily led and can be serious advocates for you in older age because they will battle anyone.  They are tough as nails, which has both positive and negative results. 

 

Just waiting until maturity and praying.  I do have a friend who was this person also who seems to understand my oldest (whom she has rarely seen) and her translation of behavior to meaning has been helpful.  You need one of these translators! 

 

 

[TranquilMind]

My mother and grandmother did nothing but butt heads my mothers entire childhood and teenage years. My mom could not wait to move out. As soon as she graduated and got her first job she was out and on her own at 18. Back then my grandmother was far closer to the other two children the stories go. But guess what happened when they all grew up? My mom was the dependable one and grew much closer to my Grandmother. She was the one always there and that allowed me to grow up super close with my grandparents as compared to my cousins. My Mom was the only one that stepped up to care for my grandma when she was in poor health and took care of her until the end. They had a rough first 20 years, but the next 40+ were mostly wonderful.

 

I think some teenagers just need more space. Some relationships just need more space. Have faith! Once she's grown and out of the house you may develops a whole new dimension to your relationship.

 

Excellent advice and encouraging story! 

 

[Mimm]

My mother and grandmother did nothing but butt heads my mothers entire childhood and teenage years. My mom could not wait to move out. As soon as she graduated and got her first job she was out and on her own at 18. Back then my grandmother was far closer to the other two children the stories go. But guess what happened when they all grew up? My mom was the dependable one and grew much closer to my Grandmother. She was the one always there and that allowed me to grow up super close with my grandparents as compared to my cousins. My Mom was the only one that stepped up to care for my grandma when she was in poor health and took care of her until the end. They had a rough first 20 years, but the next 40+ were mostly wonderful.

 

I think some teenagers just need more space. Some relationships just need more space. Have faith! Once she's grown and out of the house you may develops a whole new dimension to your relationship.

 

Thank you, this is my hope. I give her so much freedom to be herself. My aunt was telling me how strict she was with her girls who grew up all perfect and beautiful and went to law school. Oldest had blue hair at the time and my cousin said, "I wouldn't have even dreamed of asking to dye my hair blue." She wasn't trying to be mean, and she said a lot of nice things about my kids too, but I walked away wondering if I should have been so much stricter. Like maybe she just needs something to rebel against and I don't give that to her enough.

 

This is the child that keeps me awake at night worrying about her.

[gardenmom5]

I'm much closer to Middle Child than I am to Oldest. Both are girls, 18 months apart in age. I try SO hard to treat them equally. I try very hard to nurture my relationship with Oldest. I put more effort into my relationship with Oldest, sometimes at the expense of Middle. It's so unfair. It feels like Oldest is this endless well of need that I can never possibly begin to fill.

 

Me and Middle have such an easy uncomplicated relationship. We just get along, almost never fight.

 

 

 

 

mom with four adults here. . . .

 

 

don't worry so much about treating them equally.  they aren't the same person, and their needs, wants, personality is different.   their "emotional/psychological needs" ... are different.

work on fulfilling actual needs.  some are a challenge.  I had a "needy" personality - that i've been known to want to yell - you're an adult, act like it!  finally there.

 

I've liked children more than others at times.  some were easier than others.   some got more attention than others - becasue needs were different.  my easiest as a teen was my most difficult infant/prescooler. (my prep for dudeling) but also a pretty stand-offish personality.  is the one for  whom  I have the least concerns as an adult.

[Lecka]

That is how my middle sister was. Now she is closest to my mom and they go on trips together.

 

My other sister and I are more busy with our own families.

 

This sister doesn't have kids and is very, very close with my mom.

 

My other sister and I were the easy ones and always got along. My middle sister was like you describe.

 

Edit: I am still very close with my mom, too! She and this sister have just gotten very close and have a bond different from mine as I am more with my husband and kids now.

 

I think my mom was at the point of despair with this sister too, never with me or my other sister. It didn't last.

Edited November 23, 2016 by Lecka

[Mimm]

I have an oldest that has made my hair go white (no depression though, just "cussedness", as the old folks used to say).  What IS it about the oldest?  I've heard this story over and over.  My oldest sibling was also this person. My spouse's oldest sibling was this person.  Some friends I have had along the way that were oldest children were this person. 

 

Good news is that they aren't easily led and can be serious advocates for you in older age because they will battle anyone.  They are tough as nails, which has both positive and negative results. 

 

Just waiting until maturity and praying.  I do have a friend who was this person also who seems to understand my oldest (whom she has rarely seen) and her translation of behavior to meaning has been helpful.  You need one of these translators! 

 

I pray and pray for this kid. I think sometimes God gave her to me to ensure he hears from me on a regular basis. ;)

 

I was the oldest in my family and I was a people pleaser. I got along pretty well with my mom. I expected pretty much the same. :)

[TranquilMind]

I pray and pray for this kid. I think sometimes God gave her to me to ensure he hears from me on a regular basis. ;)

 

I was the oldest in my family and I was a people pleaser. I got along pretty well with my mom. I expected pretty much the same. :)

That's great!  Yes, that must be it.  He sure hears from me frequently as well.  :)

 

Tell me about it.  I was so close to my mom that we spoke every day, but honestly, that didn't really start until I was in my late 20's.  So maybe there's hope!