not great fall break visit for dd...

[bettyandbob]

Her fall break was really only a 3 day weekend. This is her first year of college. She is the closest friend ds, who has intellectual disabilities, has. 

 

We told ds all summer dd would be going away. She's gone away for camp for 2 weeks at a time previously. Ds traveled with us for move in, so he saw her room/bed etc. His birthday was a 1.5 weeks after she left. She called then and he refused to let her talk to him. We tried the phone a few more times after that and he continued to refuse. 

 

Older ds's break was a full week so he came home before dd. Younger ds is not as attached to his older brother as his sister. All during the week we told younger ds, dd was coming for a short visit. On Thursday younger ds and dh picked her up from her bus. He refused to look at her. On Friday I kept the routine of having a babysitter come hang out. The babysitter is our neighbor in her twenties who likes to chat with dd. I told dd to stay and try to play with babysitter and ds. Later dd told me ds would only talk to her when she gave him a cookie. Things didn't get better. On Sunday I had to go to work, but dd texted me to say that younger ds was giving her dirty looks in the car on the way to catch her bus back to school. 

 

younger ds was angry the rest of Sunday evening and had a hard day at school Monday. 

 

Additionally, our dog only loves dd. He does respect dh, but all his love goes to dd. It appears he thought dd was really home. Our dog cried and barked when he saw dd's bags on Sunday and cried an barked more throughout the night. (Our dog is not very smart, but he does know that bags by the front door means someone is leaving). 

 

I don't think I really get to miss dd, but these two (younger ds and our dog) are taking all the grieving energy the family can handle. 

 

I need to figure out how to get younger ds to stop holding a grudge (she did not leave him to reject him !!?) and enjoy dd when she is home for a week at Thanksgiving. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Can he discuss his feelings?

[bettyandbob]

Can he discuss his feelings?

 

He's apraxic, mostly nonverbal. He can speak a little. He cannot speak when stressed. 

[maize]

How old is your younger ds? (and maybe even more important than biological age is intellectual age equivalent?)

 

Sometimes for younger siblings an older brother or sister fills a place in their heart similar to that of a parent. An older sibling moving out of the home can feel very much like a parent moving out and, in essence, abandoning them.

 

It sounds like your ds was really not able to understand the big picture of his sister going away to school.

 

Could she write letters and send him photos? Might be a different way to connect since phone calls aren't working.

Edited October 18, 2016 by maize

[bettyandbob]

Younger ds is 15. 

 

I don't know about seeing his sister as a parent. I made a big effort of not using her to babysit/be in charge of him a lot. My long term goal was for her and her older brother to want to visit younger ds when they are independent adults. I didn't want her to see her brother as a burden. 

 

She let him hang in her room a lot. He would just lay on her bed and listen to music. Other times they'd watch movies together. For the last several years we haven't been able to take trips with the whole family, so younger ds, dd and I have traveled a lot together,visiting my godmother yearly, camping at the beach together and we did Universal Studios last year. So, we've have some adventures where she was a big part of his experience. She was his buddy doing stuff. 

 

I'm trying to get ds involved in things so he can develop other relationships. I have to make very deliberate efforts to create situations for him. I've been taking him to football games at his school and trying to get other families with special needs to students to meet us. One family has come a couple of times. When that family comes the boys sit together and I and the other parents sit a couple rows away. ds clearly likes sitting with a "friend" at the game and not his mother. He likes having an opportunity to do something he sees the other students do own their own. So, I will continue to be deliberate about finding experiences for ds and hopefully so relationships develop. There are some kids who overlap in ds's scout troop (all special needs troop), class at school and Capernaum social group. However, he's lost the person he used to do stuff with and I think that's been really hard. 

 

 

[hornblower]

I don't really know anything about the type of disabilities you're describing but I'd think he's not holding a grudge so much as grieving.  I would suggest you need to make the space in your family for him & the dog to be really, really sad (and mad and sad and mad and sad...) 

I wonder about the letters & photos too. Maybe tactile things that he can touch and hold would be a better ways to connect. Also, what about a doll or a stuffy that sort of looks like her, kwim? Even if he's way too old for that (though nobody is too old for a cute stuffy) but I'm thinking something very like her that she could send & say, I'm away but she's with you. Dressed in clothes like she wears. Build a Bear or similar might work for outfits.  

It's too long to explain but as a child I experience that bundle of sadness & resentment of being left. I was mad & prickly & grumpy & crying & I'm sure impossible to be with. I know I hated the person who left. But I also craved things from them & wanted to know they'd come back. I was also awful to them when they did return because yeah, I did resent it a lot. 

For the grieving dog, did your dd leave any dirty laundry? A worn unlaundered shirt belonging to their favourite person & tucked into the dog's bed can be very comforting to some dogs. 

Edited October 18, 2016 by hornblower

[Rockhopper]

What about hanging up photos of DD at her "school" - in class, even - and in her dorm studying. Make a visual timeline/schedule. "You are going to school now; let's see what did is doing at her school today." Also maybe a calendar and/or count-down chain until her next visit?

[Guest]

I would have your dd give a special gift to your ds and ask him to keep it safe for her while she's away... a framed photo of her and him together, one of her special stuffed animals, etc. It can be a way for him to feel he's a part of her separation process, instead of feeling pushed aside.

 

Any of the other ideas that military families use to help young children adapt to deployments/separations would probably work in your situation too.

Edited October 18, 2016 by Kinsa

[prairiewindmomma]

The concept of time, and time passing is hard to wrap around.  I agree that it also sounds like grieving/feeling abandoned.  Sometimes it feels safer to be angry than sad.  When our dd died, we saw a lot more anger out of our young children than other emotions.

 

Can you FaceTime or Skype--something that produces a visual image? Even if he doesn't want to participate, having it in an open place allows him to perhaps "overhear" or gradually get used to the change in the relationship.  The above suggestions about visual calendar, a photo of her at school, a special toy from her, etc. sound good.

 

Does he have a preferred activity?  Maybe having her offer a preferred activity when she returns would be good.

 

 

*****Hugs to all!!!*****

[redsquirrel]

I was also going to suggest skype or facetime.  She can show him (or you if he won't participate) her dorm room, maybe have some friends say hello..she could take you on a virtual tour of the campus.  But maybe that's more than you want to ask of her? She does have the right to live her life and not feel guilty etc.  But maybe she wants to do it? 

 

And maybe just talking in a positive way about her visit at Thanksgiving? Or making a calendar and crossing off days?

 

I'm sorry, it sounds really difficult.

[katilac]

I think some professional advice from a counselor might be really helpful in this situation, preferably someone familiar with the types of challenges your ds has. Maybe one of his teachers could recommend someone? 

 

I'm not necessarily thinking therapy sessions for your son at this point, but just you going in and laying out the situation and getting specific advice. Check with your insurance; I know that mine offers 5 free sessions per person, per year. Hopefully you have some coverage, or the cost of one or two sessions is workable. I'd even do an online session if I found a person with the right experience, because I'd mainly be looking for advice on particular things to do or ways to explain it. 

 

His teachers might also have some good ideas. 

[StephanieZ]

I'm so, so sorry. This must be so painful for your entire family. 

 

I can't imagine how much harder these "normal" losses / griefs must be for your son and your family. 

 

(((((hugs))))) Your mommy heart must be so heavy.