Another S/O question regarding cremations and burials. All viewpoints welcome.

[KidsHappen]

My mother passed away this past February. We had her cremated as this was her wishes. She didn't really want to be embalmed and I was opposed to the idea as well, but it was necessary because it took some family members about five or six days to get there and the family wanted to have a viewing.

 

I personally would prefer to skip the viewing. I really don't like the idea of my family seeing and remembering me that way. I would prefer that their memories of me be of when I was alive and happy.

 

However, I have heard and read that it is an important part of the grieving process for people. I didn't personally feel this way so I am having a hard time understanding this and am currently at a lose as to how to handle this in the future both for myself and other loved ones. If it was just my preference, I would say skip the viewing and simply have a memorial. But if it really is important to help people accept the death and begin processing the grief then I wouldn't want to deprive them of this necessary step.

 

What are your opinions on this?

[Peek a Boo]

honestly? i don't really care either.

 

I guess I'm like you -- i don't need it. But i tend to process emotions pretty quickly instead of dwelling on them too long.

movin' on to the next thing ;)

 

But if my family WANTED a viewing of me, i don't care --i'm dead!

If my kids wanted a viewing of their dad, he wouldn't care either. I'd accommodate that.

 

If we pre-deceased our parents, and THEY wanted a viewing, we'd honor that too.

 

Maybe if a close close friend or close close extended family member REALLY wanted a viewing, i guess we could do that too.

 

But i wouldn't quiz everyone under the sun. Our immediate family would have enough on their plate dealing w/ the loss w/o dealing w/ other people's grief too.

[KidsHappen]

But if my family WANTED a viewing of me, i don't care --i'm dead! If my kids wanted a viewing of their dad, he wouldn't care either. I'd accommodate that.

 

 

Mostly, I was concerned about the kids especially the younger two. I just don't know if they are old enough to make those kinds of decisions. It just seems like an awfully big burden to place on them. What if they didn't view and then later wished they did or the other way around? They handled grandma ok but I am wondering if it would be different if it was their mother or father? I didn't go to my first funeral until I was pregnant with the sixth child so I have no childhood experiences to rely on. I guess I should just talk to them about it. Thanks for the input.

[KidsHappen]

Bumping this with hopes of getting more answers now that everyone is awake.

[snickelfritz]

My brother passed away when I was 19. As a cild, I went to more funerals than I can name (which I add, because dh had never been to a funeral until a couple of years ago.) I HATE having to do the viewing before and then having to walk by the casket at the funeral.

 

My fil passed away a couple of years ago. He was cremated, by his wishes. He had specifically talked to his pastor (Southern Baptist denomination) about it and the pastor had said the condition of the body made no difference.

 

The family used tons of pictures in the funeral. They had pictures up front, where the casket usually sits. They also had memorabilia that they picked out that represented him. The pastor used alot of the memorabilia to talk about fil's life. It was stuff like a USC jersey, the flag he got for serving in the military, etc.. They also put up 2 picture collages in the lobby of fil living his life. They were just tons of relevant pictures that they taped onto foam core. I thought that was a wonderful way to remember him. I find the viewing to be morbid and thought the pictures did a better job of focusing on his life.

[RebeccaS]

I don't like viewings. I never have. I remember telling my mom when I was quite little that, should I die before her, I did not want to have everyone looking at me. I'm one of the youngest ones in my family's generation, so I've had a lot of funerals to attend in the last 10 years. I refused to view the body. I did't want to see them that way. I preferred to remember my grandma the way she looked when she was alive, not laying there. (shudder) My mother's parents arranged cremations and I was so thankful. We had a lovely memorial service and lots of family time. Much preferable to me.

[Frankie]

I needed a viewing of my Dad. He had had a heart attack in early March of this year and passed away mid-March. He never went home. I needed to see him outside of a hospital or facility. I needed to see him at peace.

 

He passed away about 20 minutes after my sister, BIL, my son and I left him for the evening. The nurse called us back. I did see him after he passed at the VA. While I needed to see him then, to grasp the finality of it, I needed to see him again in his clothes out of those types of places.

 

I did not want my then 12-year-old son to see him at the VA. It was difficult for me. Even though we had spent the last week of his life visiting him every day in that room, after he died it was cold and stark and scary. My son wanted to say good-bye, which was another reason to have a viewing.

 

I am so thankful we did have a viewing. Just because I remember how he looked at the funeral home does not mean I don't remember him in real life.

 

Dad was cremated after our viewing, and buried a month later when all the children could get together.

 

When I think of him, I don't think of him at the funeral home unless a discussion like this comes up. I think of Dad, full of life and vibrant. (Well, to be honest, I've kind of been obsessing about witnessing him have his heart attack in front of DS and I -- a vision that is hard to get out of my head. I think the reason I focus on that was simply due to the traumatic nature of it, and the fear it produced in me.) But when I remember Dad stories, I see Dad as I knew him.

 

My sister didn't want to go to the viewing. She ended up going and was thankful she did. I think that everyone is different in their needs, and if just one family membern needs a viewing, then there should be one. If others are uncomfortable, they don't have to go.

 

I really was comforted seeing Dad out of a facility, in his clothes, and at peace. The funeral home did a very good job, and he looked wonderful.

[Peela]

The only viewing I have had was of a man I knew in India whose funeral I went to there- burning on the banks of the Ganges. I had been to quite a few funerals before that, and this was a totally different experience, seeing the body burn. A definite sense of finality. But I didn't know this man well so I guess I actually was curious in a slightly detached way, but having lived that, I have very little curiosity about seeing anyone else dead.

I have been to childrens' funerals and I tell you, I couldn't have stood to see the dead bodies. Seeing the small coffins was hard enough.

I can imagine it might be important for some people, to get a visual, concrete sense of finality. It is a natural part of life and perhaps it helps some people grieve. In fact maybe if it was my husband or my child, I might want to see the body in order to say goodbye, too, if I think about it. But not most people, even my parents I think, I could do without.

I think we are all too much removed from death though, we deny its inevitability, its starkness, and maybe the move away from viewings is another step away from the raw realness of it. I am not against it. In fact the seeing of the burning of the body was a way of feeling the finality of losing that particular man for me, and if we are so into cremation nowadays, which I think is a good thing, I wouldnt mind that we could be a little more involved in that than seeing a coffin disappear through a door, and then receiving a container full of ashes at the end which really could be anybody's!

 

But in reality I dont really know, as it hasnt come into my life, and with the funerals I have been to I didnt feel a need to see the body.

[Murphy101]

A lot of this has to do with one's view of death I think...

If one is scared or fearful or has unpleasant memories associated with funerals - then it stands to reason they will dislike this. A LOT of people choose cremation simply because they hate funerals. NOT saying that is the case for anyone here, just saying it is very common.

 

Now for me, I went to lots of funerals as a child and more than I'd like as an adults too.

 

I think it's important for some to pay those last respects and a final farewell. It's just not the same when there's nothing but a picture or an urn there to me. To add a little something to the casket or grave. To see the repose themselves. I don't know why it's important for some, but it is. For those it's not, there's is ZERO obligation to view or file past the casket. They simply stay in their seat. Many do and I've never seen anyone treat them unkindly for it.

 

I don't know why I feel that way, but I do.:)

[Jenny in Atl]

I'm mixed about it. Part of me likes the idea (not the embalming... I know in our modern world it can be necessary) of the family washing, dressing, and caring for the body in order to say goodbye to the soul. It's really the embalming I have issues with, cutting of the natural process. I know my MIL did not want to have an open casket at her wake, but her friends asked to see her one last time, and her husband opened the casket against her wishes. Many in the family were very upset he did this. Not sure in the end it matters to the dead though, it is the living that the funeral is for.

[Peek a Boo]

Mostly, I was concerned about the kids especially the younger two. I just don't know if they are old enough to make those kinds of decisions. It just seems like an awfully big burden to place on them. What if they didn't view and then later wished they did or the other way around? They handled grandma ok but I am wondering if it would be different if it was their mother or father? I didn't go to my first funeral until I was pregnant with the sixth child so I have no childhood experiences to rely on. I guess I should just talk to them about it. Thanks for the input.

 

If you are concerned about how your children might view it later, i would write a letter explaining your thoughts and concerns, addressed to your children as if they are adults, to be opened WHEN they are adults. But I think leaving an "i'm no longer here" letter is a cool idea regardless what we think about viewing at funerals :D

[Jennifer3141]

I don't really need to see the body to process death. I think embalming is pretty gruesome. So we won't have that done.

 

And I agree with the people who say that the child's coffin is horrid enough. I can understand if the parents need to touch and see their Dc's body, but to me it felt dirty somehow. That was a very, very hard funeral to attend.

 

Jen

[Murphy101]

I know my MIL did not want to have an open casket at her wake, but her friends asked to see her one last time, and her husband opened the casket against her wishes. Many in the family were very upset he did this. Not sure in the end it matters to the dead though, it is the living that the funeral is for.

 

hmm, that's a matter of opinion.

 

To *me* it's also very much a about respect for the deceased loved one too. I'd be horribly offended if someone disrespected my dead love one by not honoring their last requests. Esp such a simple one as that. In fact, I pitched a royal fit at my own mother's funeral because the one thing she requested was that people not take pictures of her in the coffin and I caught my sister doing it. I tell you what I nearly decked her right there next to the coffin I was that mad. It was a very basic simple request my mother made. My sister knew it as she was there 3 days prior when my mother said it. I was absolutley livid that a dying wish would not be respected. Again, I think it really offended me more because it was such a simple thing. That was just flat our disgraceful to me. There was no reason not to honor her dying request. How my sister could not honor such a simple thing still bothers me.

 

Obviously.:D

 

I agree funerals are for the living too, but I don't know that I'd say they are just for the living.:)

[keptwoman]

Having lost my Mum and Dad at a fairly young age I have strong feelings on this.

 

When Dad was dying (cancer) Mum spent a lot of time thinking and reading about grief and learning about how we deal with death. She came to the conclusion that our western society is too shut off from death and grief and I agree with her.

 

When Dad died he went to the funeral home to be enbalmed, then we had him back home again on the bed he had been in when sick. He was home like that for 3 days not in a casket. We were able to sit with him and hold his hand, talk to him, touch him and really process that he wasn't there, it was just a shell. I really believe that this was immensely helpful as part of the grieving process.

 

4 years later my Mum died very suddenly in an accident. After having Dad home there was no way that we were not going to do the same with Mum. I had to really argue with the funeral home as she had been autopsied and embalmed but in the end they capitulated and Mum was home in our loungeroom on a bed we set up for her. Again it was incredibly helpful.

 

In stark contrast I've been to the funeral home for viewings of my best friend and my grandfather in their caskets. I found that quite a different experience, depressing, morbid and a bit scary. Much less personal and meaningful.

 

I found the experience of spending time with Mum and Dads bodies WAY better than their funerals which were an ordeal. I've already told DH that I am to have no funeral, just a wake at home like we had with my parents, then a simple graveside service. DH wants a funeral and that is his perogative, but I won't be there. I detest singing through tears, being on show, "tributes" etc. It's all a attempt to process death in our very distant western way and I think there are better ways.

 

I was just thinking yesterday actually about this and I came to the conclusion that my ideal would be that we would care for and wash the body at home, never setting foot in the funeral parlour.

[gardening momma]

My paternal grandmother was cremated. There was a memorial service, but there were just pictures. I don't think the lack of having a body to view affected the grieving process. The last time I went to a viewing the body didn't look much like the person I knew, and I wish I hadn't seen that.