Family drama - what to do?

[sbgrace]

I didn't read replies, but I have somewhat similar circumstances.

 

We, including grandparents, have always made every effort to treat my sister's "his marriage just ended and now he's my boyfriend/now he's my fiance'/will they ever get married/oh look, now they're living together's" kids the same as the grandkids. So they were included in gifts and occasions from the very start of my sister seeing herself as "always" connected to him and bringing the kids to things. If that meant that my kids and my other sister's kids now got less in terms of gifts or events because the money was spread out more or whatever it went that way. We even avoided getting an extended family picture together because we would need to include them, and no one really thought it was going to last. They went on vacation with the family multiple times. They were invited and, unless with their mom have come to every single family holiday get together that my sister has attended since he started coming with her to that sort of thing.

 

Why? Well, because it's not worth hurting someone, especially a child. Relationships trump everything else.

 

I really don't understand why your mom won't treat the kids the way your sister wants them treated, even if she doesn't like the way the relationship started and doesn't feel close to the kids. If nothing else, it's kind to the poor kids.

 

If the relationship goes poof, no harm is done by including the kids. However, if the relationship lasts, harm is going to result from the current actions.

 

Basically, I think your mom is damaging and will continue to damage relationships if she is stubborn about this. I can't imagine inviting girl friend and, yet,  not her kids to the family Christmas get together. And your mom doesn't have to feel a certain way about a child to buy a gift for that child. I buy gifts for kids on Walmart Christmas trees! 

 

 

Edited June 20, 2016 by sbgrace

[TranquilMind]

Just an aside, I always wonder how people can do this to kids. 

 

 

Edited June 20, 2016 by TranquilMind

[MinivanMom]

It sounded as if the demands to accept the new family members were done right away--not giving any time for anyone to adjust, cope, grieve, or get to know the people involved.

 

I'm sorry, but grandma isn't the one whose marriage broke up. She is not the primary griever. It is the sister who got divorced, and it is the sister who is trying to blend a family and support the emotional needs of all the children as she blends that family. It is the grandson who saw his mothers get divorced and his original family break up. It is the grandson who is now trying to adjust to a new stepmother and step-siblings.

 

None of this is about grandma . . . or how she feels . . . or how she needs to grieve . . . or how she needs to get to know the kids first before she could possibly buy them a Target gift card for their birthday, etc. I'm sorry, but grandma is a adult. She needs to put the feelings of the children first. And all grandma needs to do to put the children first is be generally kind and equitable. Yes, the new grandkids should be invited to everything you invite original-grandson too. Yes, if you buy b-day gifts and Christmas gifts for original-grandson, then you need to buy them for the new grandkids. Anything less than that is grandma taking her grief and bitterness out on the children - who I guarantee are hurting more than grandma and have far more right to.

 

That doesn't mean that grandma isn't grieving and doesn't need some time to adjust. And that doesn't mean that sister has behaved well. Honestly, sister sounds a little selfish and manipulative. But grandma should not be taking that out on the children. I don't care how quickly something happened or how blindsided you feel by it or how badly the parent is behaving . . . you don't take it out on the children.

[Janeway]

One thing is, when all this happens so fast, it resembles "love bombing." Throwing the children in to a rushed and "bombed" relationship is not that healthy. I know sister says they are permanent, but she said the last relationship was. And the last one went on for years, they married and had a child. And no one really gets a new sudden SO.

 

The children matter. And it does not help the children when stability gets messed up on a whim. I would still call this relationship a new one, not a permanent one. And the sister really has no business making all the demands she has been making, that everyone pretends the relationships are something they are not. The children are probably even tired of playing grandparent with people they hardly know.

[bolt.]

I don't think I read that the sister is asking that grandma be willing to act as a grandmother to them all. (She seems to be just hoping, eventually.) The actual "asks" are more aimed at the goal of the kids perceiving a general sense of fair treatment -- 1. being invited to the same 'family events' as the longstanding grandson, and 2. being given gifts (no mention of equivalent gifts -- just something) on occasions that are considered gift occasions for the longstanding grandson.

 

Those, and a general warm kindness, seem reasonable to build from as the kids get to know their new extended family. They are pretty basic, and don't imply instant grandmotherliness.

 

It's hard to build anything on a foundation of 'exclusion until inclusion is earned'... As your mom might have noticed.

Edited June 20, 2016 by bolt.

[katilac]

As a mom and a mom in law, it would be very hard for me to switch gears as fast as your sister seems to demand. I would need some time to grieve the loss of someone I loved and had made a part of my family (the ex) unless I knew that person had been awful to my child. I hate having anyone or anything crammed down my throat.

 

I believe your sister is a bit of a bully--it's her way or nothing.

 

As a mom and a grand mom, I would make an effort to make the new children welcome in my home anytime they were there. But I'd be cautious about making them my 'grands' too early. Who knows whether sister's relationship will last???  Time is not a bad thing here. IF it's a forever relationship, it will be obvious within a year or two.

 

I'm a decade plus younger than your mom. Older people aren't necessarily inflexible...but we have seen and done things that might make us think differently about situations.

 

It doesn't sound like the sister asked for the same treatment for all of the kids, just equitable treatment. That means you don't have a completely different celebration just so the girlfriend's kids aren't at the first one. That you give them all gifts for gift-giving occasions, particularly ones where you see them in person. 

 

I don't see how welcoming the kids has anything to do with missing or grieving the ex. There's no need to cut off or snub the ex; I have several 'exes' in my family who are still aunt and uncle to me. 

 

It sounded as if the demands to accept the new family members were done right away--not giving any time for anyone to adjust, cope, grieve, or get to know the people involved.

 

We don't get to decide who someone else's family is, or how quickly they become family. 

 

One thing is, when all this happens so fast, it resembles "love bombing." Throwing the children in to a rushed and "bombed" relationship is not that healthy. I know sister says they are permanent, but she said the last relationship was. And the last one went on for years, they married and had a child. And no one really gets a new sudden SO.

 

The children matter. And it does not help the children when stability gets messed up on a whim. I would still call this relationship a new one, not a permanent one. And the sister really has no business making all the demands she has been making, that everyone pretends the relationships are something they are not. The children are probably even tired of playing grandparent with people they hardly know.

 

Again, we don't get to decide who family is for other people. And welcoming people to family celebrations does not have to equal instantly acting like a grandparent. We have had kids with far more tenuous connections join in at Christmas and other celebrations! We make sure they have gifts to open at Christmas. We try to go to birthday parties if someone cares enough to invite us. Why is that a big deal? 

 

I don't get the posters who are saying that the sister is controlling, bullying, and so on. She seemed to take the vacation issue with pretty good grace, even showing up for a hike with her sister. Yes, she changed her mind about Christmas and two celebrations, but she probably just thought better of it (or one of the kids asked why, and they had no good answer). 

 

I have a close family member who met their current significant other under far more dubious circumstances than this situation. It was fast, it was complicated, it looked like a disaster waiting to happen. 

 

But when he brought her and her child around, we just said: hello, welcome, what a beautiful child you have! 

 

And we're awfully glad we did, because they are still together 7 years later, with another beautiful child in the mix, and no hard feelings to overcome. 

 

DH and I were engaged less than seven months after we met, and we spent part of that time apart. Twenty-five years later, I can still tell you exactly who looked upon us with a jaundiced eye.

 

People get to decide about their own love life. People get to decide who is in their family. When someone you love says, I love this person, they make me happy, then all you should say is I'm so glad, and I can't wait to meet them. 

[naturegirl]

What do I think?  

 

Honestly, I think there are too many women in your family!    

 

You said it! I feel badly for my husband, the only man at my family gatherings. At least on his side of the family he only has brothers, no sisters, so he gets his testosterone fill there. 

[MinivanMom]

*snip*

 

People get to decide about their own love life. People get to decide who is in their family. When someone you love says, I love this person, they make me happy, then all you should say is I'm so glad, and I can't wait to meet them. 

 

This is beautiful. I agree completely.

[Happy]

It doesn't sound like the sister asked for the same treatment for all of the kids, just equitable treatment. That means you don't have a completely different celebration just so the girlfriend's kids aren't at the first one. That you give them all gifts for gift-giving occasions, particularly ones where you see them in person. 

 

I don't see how welcoming the kids has anything to do with missing or grieving the ex. There's no need to cut off or snub the ex; I have several 'exes' in my family who are still aunt and uncle to me. 

 

 

We don't get to decide who someone else's family is, or how quickly they become family. 

 

 

Again, we don't get to decide who family is for other people. And welcoming people to family celebrations does not have to equal instantly acting like a grandparent. We have had kids with far more tenuous connections join in at Christmas and other celebrations! We make sure they have gifts to open at Christmas. We try to go to birthday parties if someone cares enough to invite us. Why is that a big deal? 

 

I don't get the posters who are saying that the sister is controlling, bullying, and so on. She seemed to take the vacation issue with pretty good grace, even showing up for a hike with her sister. Yes, she changed her mind about Christmas and two celebrations, but she probably just thought better of it (or one of the kids asked why, and they had no good answer). 

 

I have a close family member who met their current significant other under far more dubious circumstances than this situation. It was fast, it was complicated, it looked like a disaster waiting to happen. 

 

But when he brought her and her child around, we just said: hello, welcome, what a beautiful child you have! 

 

And we're awfully glad we did, because they are still together 7 years later, with another beautiful child in the mix, and no hard feelings to overcome. 

 

DH and I were engaged less than seven months after we met, and we spent part of that time apart. Twenty-five years later, I can still tell you exactly who looked upon us with a jaundiced eye.

 

People get to decide about their own love life. People get to decide who is in their family. When someone you love says, I love this person, they make me happy, then all you should say is I'm so glad, and I can't wait to meet them. 

Believe me, I've done my very best to welcome and treat with love and respect anyone my sons or my brothers in law brings home.

 

Being welcoming, loving, and kind still doesn't mean it is not HARD to deal with. That's my point with the OP's sister. Cut everyone some slack. Sis should ease up a bit and let everyone catch up with her and her new gal.

 

  I've watched teenaged children be harmed by the adults in their lives moving so fast they created a tsunami effect.

 

Personally, I don't give my heart easily...but when it's given, it's darn near forever.

[kwg]

So your sister sent a text that said "if you bring Grandson a present at this bday party then when these other kids have bdays you have to bring a present for them too"

 

And your mom said "No, actually, if that is the case then no one gets a present from me.  And also I am not coming to the party. Since that is what you want." 

 

And now you are wondering if you "can" bring the kid a gift? Of course you can. ..duh. Are you kidding?

 

If I got that text I would have said "ok, cool.  Can we go shopping together because I have no clue what to get. Dinner on me. Sound good? Can't wait to give Grandson present! I got a good one! *stupid smiley thing*   

 

I mean- Why did your mom respond the way she did?  Am I missing something? They live in the same city? That could be like a fun get together- win/win?

 

Are you sure your sister was/is mad at your mom or was she just --heads up! kids ( ? or someone ?) has caught on to what is going on here.  Coming over here with ponies and rainbows will be noted by all eyes..lol.  ANd that makes sense to you right? Can your mom see that? You can't really go back to cards without someone noticing, can you? Most likely Grandson himself and then his grandmother looks like a jerk treating his siblings differently than him (ask me how I know that one..ugh).

 

If I am understnading correctly, they have been together over a year.  You and your mom need to get with it (gently). Even if you only visit a couple times a year, don't you guys talk? It makes me sad for your sister that she went through all that leads up to a divorce without the support of her family.  ETA: well what I imagine to lead up to a divorce. I am a child of divorce and since your sister is one also I think it must mean she knew at least some of the consequences of the choices she was making.  It must have been worth it.  It makes me wonder what was going on.  It could be she is a nutball but you thought you had a good relationship before so to me she sounds like she did not want to put you in the middle during your last visit and prior to that she did not feel comfortable enough to share a really big life change with you.   To me, it  sounds like you do not know her very well. :crying:  That would bother me and I would worry she had the wrong idea about me or something.  But you might not feel that way. 

 

Is your mom really refusing to buy these other kids birthday presents? How on earth is she finding that attitude helpful? 

 

Maybe I am reading that wrong? 

 

If not- :lol:   :leaving: I might change my vacation plans. 70th birthday party indeed.  kidding. But...... is that what she is saying? 

 

 

Edited June 22, 2016 by kwg

[dsmith]

The sister and girlfriend are living together with their kids when custody arrangements allows, so I don't understand why the girlfriend's children wouldn't get gifts or why her and the kids aren't invited to gatherings. Those children must not feel very accepted. Perhaps your sister is not handling things well, but I think the children (and their mother) need to feel welcomed by your side of the family, not just as far as gifts go, but by getting to know them, etc.

[Joker]

Dh and I married after dating for only four months. No way would I have went along, and been okay, with separate holiday celebrations. I don't get that and it wasn't something my family ever practiced. My brother married a girl he started dating at 15. She was welcomed at all holiday and special occasions. There has also been divorce in my family (none of the above mentioned) but all are welcome and we do our best.