imeverywoman Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 It's mine. All mine and no one will ever, EVER beat me for it. I've said some awful, terrible, shameful things to my dd who simply gives me the crappiest attitude whenever we do school. I'm sick of the garbage. I'm sick of the attitude. She reminds me of the ugly side of my dh's family and unfortunately, I let her know it today. I almost wonder if in order to salvage our relationship, I sacrifice her education and march her to the school at the corner. The only problem is that then, she's gotten away with not taking instruction from me, and to me, that is simply not acceptable. I need a hug. Please. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newbie Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 I think I have the award, but I am going to need it back because this wk. is oldests' time of the month. Tons of hugs. Virtual Chocolate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zelda Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 (edited) :grouphug: Done. My mother said incredibly angry and hurtful things to me just about everyday. Sometimes they weren't so bad and were along the lines of what you describe (she really dislikes her mother-in-law). A lot of hurt can be forgiven with an admission of wrong-doing (not excusing her behavior, natch) and a hug and love. 35 years later I got the admission of wrong-doing. Know what? It worked. I never got the hug or love (everyone now, awwwww) so I can only imagine how comforting they would have been if a super duper late apology took away so much resentment. Anyway, you'll have to fight me for the trophy today. Edited October 7, 2008 by Zelda So many reasons Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 :grouphug: A lot of hurt can be forgiven with an admission of wrong-doing (not excusing her behavior, natch) and a hug and love. :iagree: I would definitely say something like, "DD, you were wrong to give me so much attitude, and you were wrong to keep pushing and fighting instead of listening and doing your schoolowork. But I was wrong to say the things I did. I hope you know how much I love you even when I'm mad, and I'm sorry for hurting you." That's what I'd do right away. Then, at another time, you need to have a heart-to-heart with dd about how the situation MUST change. Before you do, think long and hard about whether you are willing to offer school as an option - - if you aren't, you need to know that going in. Once you know whether it's an acceptable option for you (even if not your top choice), spend some time thinking of other possible ways to improve things. Would it help for dd to be more independent in her work? To have more outside activities? Less? Think of options, but don't present them to her. Tell her things have to change, for the sake of both of you, and then ask HER to list suggestions. You might be surprised to find that she lists some of the same things you do (in which case, yay, easy sell!). I don't know how old she is, and that would definitely affect the way I"d deal with things. If she's rather young - - 9 or younger for sure - - then I probably wouldn't offer school or major adjustments as an option. I would put all of my energy into some radical retraining, and I wouldn't care at all if it put her 'behind' in schoolwork. At this age, there's plenty of time to catch up, and even if schoolwork is a battle, there are plenty of other hours in the day to do positive, fun things with her. You have to stay pretty calm during this, which is HARD, but remind yourself that getting school done is not the goal. Adjusting her attitude and expectations are the goal, and there will be a lovely payoff at the end. For a teen or close to it, you are fighting a much longer time of not listening to you, coupled with an increasing desire for independence. That's a bit harder. School *might* be the answer, but it can also be a disaster for a kid with little self-discipline and a bad attitude. If push came to shove, and nothing was working, then yes, I would trade a good education for a good relationship. You can always buy her a copy of the Well Educated Mind when she's grown up, :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMindy Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Here is two hugs!:grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry this happened, but you can ask forgiveness and in doing so you are modeling a very important lessons. We all screw up sometimes, and we have to go and make it right after. Best of luck to you!! Here is one more hug for the road.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 I think apologies are good, but they cannot contain the word "but......". You just get to apologize without a catch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemyboys Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 I think apologies are good, but they cannot contain the word "but......". You just get to apologize without a catch. Right! We call that the "not apology." :grouphug: OP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 I'll arm wrestle you for it. Today was NOT a good day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niffercoo Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Au contraire... that would be the award for my behavior last Friday night. Riley came in to my bedroom to tell me Austin was ignoring her. I fussed at her to leave him ALONE. Stop bugging him and maybe he wouldn't ignore her (She drives him crazy talking all the time, and sometimes he just ignores her when it gets to be too much for him, and it drives her nuts)! Two minutes later I walked into the living room to get Reece to go to bed. And found Austin on the living room floor. Having a seizure. (It's his 2nd big one) He was "ignoring" her because he was having a seizure! She had been in the swimming pool the last time he had one so she didn't know what it looked like (he doesn't shake, just goes limp and unresponsive even though his eyes are open). She was worried about her brother, but instead, I gave her a lecture about autism and being understanding and giving space, and basically told her to stop being a pest! ::sigh:: One day she'll be on Oprah advertising her autobiography and how terrible I was to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CactusPair Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 :grouphug: I've think you've gotten some really good advice, so I'll just add some cyber chocolate, too.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paintedlady Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 :grouphug: Oh I feel for you! I had a day just like that with my ds (7). He pushed EVERY SINGLE button I have and found a few I didn't know about. I've felt like **** about it every since. Just apologize with heartfelt remorse and ask forgiveness. Kids are amazingly good about forgiving us. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: hugs for you Zelda :grouphug: Done. My mother said incredibly angry and hurtful things to me just about everyday. Sometimes they weren't so bad and were along the lines of what you describe (she really dislikes her mother-in-law). A lot of hurt can be forgiven with an admission of wrong-doing (not excusing her behavior, natch) and a hug and love. 35 years later I got the admission of wrong-doing. Know what? It worked. I never got the hug or love (everyone now, awwwww) so I can only imagine how comforting they would have been if a super duper late apology took away so much resentment. Anyway, you'll have to fight me for the trophy today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 It's mine. All mine and no one will ever, EVER beat me for it. I've said some awful, terrible, shameful things to my dd who simply gives me the crappiest attitude whenever we do school. I'm sick of the garbage. I'm sick of the attitude. She reminds me of the ugly side of my dh's family and unfortunately, I let her know it today. I almost wonder if in order to salvage our relationship, I sacrifice her education and march her to the school at the corner. The only problem is that then, she's gotten away with not taking instruction from me, and to me, that is simply not acceptable. I need a hug. Please. I have the trophy, you can't have it but you can a bunch of hugs. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kanga Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 (edited) I am sorry to tell you, but the trophy belongs to me! I am a complete dirtbag! I told my ds that the only reason I wasn't packing him up and sending him to the army was because they would send his lazy butt back home. Yes, I really said that! It was so unfair. He isn't lazy. He is just disorganized and has trouble prioritizing (because of these he actually ends up working harder, just not smarter, than the rest of us). For some reason he decided to do his school before his chores, which normally would not have mattered except we were having company and I was counting on him getting his chores done early. It was after I found the fourth or fifth chore not done that I made the above hideous comment. I apologized to him and he forgave me, but I still felt really bad. I told my dd what I said when she came home from college and she said, "That is much worse than when you used to threaten to send me to public school!" I thanked her for making me feel even worse. I had a bad night with Rew, so I slept in on Saturday morning. When I woke up at 8:00 am I found that Tigger had done all of his chores plus all of mine. I felt like pond scum and sheepishly thanked Tigger. He got a big smile on his face and said, "Don't thank me, when I realized that you were sleeping in I thought I would rub salt in your wound". We all had a good laugh and then discussed how much time and money would be spent on their therapy as adults. Edited October 7, 2008 by Kanga double word Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imeverywoman Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 Girl, you need a big hug, too! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Here's to a better day... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim in SouthGa Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 I almost wonder if in order to salvage our relationship, I sacrifice her education and march her to the school at the corner. The only problem is that then, she's gotten away with not taking instruction from me, and to me, that is simply not acceptable. I've thought this quite a few times lately about my 12 ds...in fact, I was contemplating it just this morning! However, like you, I feel it is an obedience issue, not a school issue, and will just rear its ugly head in other areas of our life if not in school. Hang in there!:grouphug: (We need a smilie for sending virtual chocolate!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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