Soror Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 A lady I know started a project to help a subset of the population. I helped some at the beginning but there are increased calls for help as of late b/c it is more than she can handle. On the one hand I agree w/ her that it is good for the community. BUT it is not a resource I use or need and not a project I started. As it is I'm personally at my limit of things I want to do. And I think it isn't my responsibility to pull up the slack for someone else overextending themselves. What is the polite way to say- I just don't want to help you? That all makes me a horrible friend, I know. It isn't my dream however and I think the work should come from the people that want to use the resource- I've given enough time and energy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 The polite way is to say, "no". The impolite way is to say, "heck, no". 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 I'm sorry, I am maxed out right now and cannot help you with this. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 You are thinking about this all wrong! If your friend lets her house get real messy, and you don't help her clean it, are you a horrible friend? Of course not. Why would you clean her house? Why would you pick up the slack in her failing project (when you don't intrinsically want to do so)? Just say nope and make yourself forget about it. If she lays a guilt trip on you, that's on her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted May 7, 2016 Author Share Posted May 7, 2016 You are thinking about this all wrong! If your friend lets her house get real messy, and you don't help her clean it, are you a horrible friend? Of course not. Why would you clean her house? Why would you pick up the slack in her failing project (when you don't intrinsically want to do so)? Just say nope and make yourself forget about it. If she lays a guilt trip on you, that's on her. I feel like one usually should help a friend in need. I have volunteered to friends to help clean a house. Of course the thing is that is only w/ close friends and we aren't really that close and I feel guilt about that too (not logical but it is there). Then when I see other people helping I think- oh, they're good people to do that- here I am self-centered curmudgeon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 I feel like one usually should help a friend in need. I have volunteered to friends to help clean a house. Of course the thing is that is only w/ close friends and we aren't really that close and I feel guilt about that too (not logical but it is there). Then when I see other people helping I think- oh, they're good people to do that- here I am self-centered curmudgeon! Is she in need though? It's not like she needs a hand with the project while she recovers from surgery. She NEEDS a volunteer, or an employee. She's not IN need of a friend to do something she does not want to do can not do for the foreseeable future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tita Gidge Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 You don't want to help (anymore) at all? Or you don't want to help (anymore) beyond what you originally were, before the increase of calls? If it's the former, can you give her "notice" - maybe along the lines of, "My situation is changing/has changed. After [3 days, 1 month, this last project] I'm going to have to step back from assisting your project. What you're bringing to the community is great, and I'm excited by its growth - I just can't keep up with it and all I have going on myself." Or if you just need to stop yesterday, "I am so sorry that I can no longer be you go-to for this. I can help you train a replacement for me, but I do need to be replaced ASAP / before [date]. It's amazing how much and how fast [her organization] is growing, I'm so proud of your efforts!" I don't know that it makes you a horrible friend. You could continue to help her, but grow to resent her (or your involvement with her or it's affect on your home life) - that's not a better friend, is it? In fact, it could make you a worse friend despite outward appearances! A good friendship has its roots in respect. Obligations, real or perceived ... inwardly felt or outwardly pushed ... grow in the way of respect. Acknowledging your limits and being forthcoming with her is to be a good friend, maybe even a better friend. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
almondbutterandjelly Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 "I need to step out of this project. I am unable to participate any more." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EMS83 Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 RE: Guilt - Opportunity cost. By doing X, what are you not doing that you need to/want to/could do? And is a secondary or tertiary priority interfering with a primary priority? Good works should always be balanced with stewardship of the things no one else can do in our place (taking care of ourselves, family, house, job, etc.). RE: declining - Perhaps offer to help her cast a wider net for volunteers, and only help as much as fits in your life. Set a limit (once per week, twice per month, whatever is comfortable and does not interfere with your own priorities). Or if you want to quit entirely, do that. You did not know for sure how it would fit in your life before you started helping, and it turns out to be interfering with other priorities. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Piper Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 I feel like one usually should help a friend in need. I have volunteered to friends to help clean a house. Of course the thing is that is only w/ close friends and we aren't really that close and I feel guilt about that too (not logical but it is there). Then when I see other people helping I think- oh, they're good people to do that- here I am self-centered curmudgeon! Step back and tell yourself some honest truths - if you are already maxed out, you are obviously not sitting around twiddling your thumbs, so you are obviously not a self-centered curmudgeon! Make a list for yourself of all the things you do for others - and that includes people both inside and outside your home - and then remind yourself, "I am giving a lot already! I am just not called to give in that place [friend's project] at this time, and that is alright because look at all this other stuff I am doing!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JanetC Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 The polite way to say no is to say, "yes, but" or "yes, if", or "yes, when" Yes, I'll help, but I can only spare 6 hours per week. Yes, I'll help, if I can stuff envelopes from home. Yes, I'll help, when my household is not so stressed out. Do you think you'll need help next month? This does mean you have to help at least a little, but you are setting boundaries on it that work for you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 I agree with setting boundaries. Maybe suggest she bring in an intern who will volunteer for a letter of recommendation. :) "I'm sorry, my plate is full so I won't be able to help with that." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 It's not your calling. It's hers. Say no without guilt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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