Wwyd

[goldberry]

He didn't get home until 11. He was exhausted from the work they did. I didn't even mention it. I just told him he is a good boy for helping so much and to go get some sleep.

 

Good choice!

[catz]

You're a lot pickier than I am in terms of laundry.  I'm semi-impressed he got some of it moved.  I do several loads over a number of days then I fold it all at once.  DH might iron some of his work clothes if he wants.  Plenty of bright kids struggle with more executive function kind of things.  My oldest who has some test scores leaning toward profoundly gifted I don't trust with my laundry.  LOL. 

 

Anyway - I'd have him do his own on his own terms and you do your own on your own terms.  I think it's a fine line between having your teen involved in daily life and learning life skills and nagging about how exactly it is done.   I pick my battles.

Edited March 29, 2016 by WoolySocks

[creekland]

Ha. My son did walk before 9 months....by 9 months and one week he was running across the room. Reciting alphabet at 18 months. He was reading and doing multiplication by 4. Skipped 2nd grade math. Skipped 8th grade Science. So although I wouldn't say gifted he is very bright. But I am seeing that all of that has nothing to do with being able to remember what is on his list. :)

 

I know I had little too do with his ability to do so many things early. I did put opportunities in front of him and likewise I will continue to show him life skills.

 

It's incredibly common for us (humans) to expect those who are bright academically to be great at things (by our definition) all around.  The two definitely are not connected in the brain or its development.  It's why there are some who could go to college at 12, but wouldn't do well at college living on their own.  Others might be able to live alone just fine (if they don't have to drive), but couldn't necessarily do the academics.

 

Then on top of that, it is our definition.  They might not share our preferences for things.  I don't give a hoot if a bed is made or not.  Hubby does.  He makes our bed every single morning without complaint.  ;)  My Dad was/is a Hoarder.  I didn't inherit his love/preferences for all of that, but I guess some of his training rubbed off.   :lol:

[Tess in the Burbs]

I didn't like how the kids were handling laundry, so everyone is doing their own now.  Well, I do Dh and mine.  And when I wash sheets I tell DD to add hers to the mix.  My Ds starts laundry just fine without reminders.  It's the rest of the process he fails on.  Today I took up his basket to him.  I knew he'd be naked without it.  I didn't think he had started the dryer last night, but he had ;-)  

 

My mom made us iron every piece of clothing after washing.  She still irons every piece of clothing.  My kids just need to wash and dry them.  And put away.  It doesn't seem like much to do.  Compared to what I had as a kid. 

 

For us, lists do not help.  I make one every day for the chores of the day.   I am still telling kids to do work 2 days later.  I keep extending grace b/c I do think this stage of life is awful and I remember how awful it was.  Some days I let the consequences happen.  Some days I help out more.  All depends on my day and how much grace they need that day.  Some days they need a lot.  

 

I was a mess as a teen.  Never did chores right.  Never good enough.  Never done on time.  I am a functioning adult.  My family thinks I want things too clean.  I do think these lessons will help our kids in their adult lives.  I do think eventually they do it.  Just when they are gone LOL

[Scarlett]

This is what works best for us. Continual followup but in a carefully neutral tone. I don't always manage it. :glare:

I failed. Sigh. I started out ok. I said get the towels out of the dryer and put the jeans that are wrinkled in the basket back in the dryer for a few minutes. He is agreeable, I hear him in the Laundry room, hear the dryer start, and then see him at his desk with basket if towels....and the wrinkled jeans underneath.

 

I was frustrated with him....he had put the clothes from the washer that I had started earlier (because I need to get the laundry done today). He apologizes......and yes I know you are all thinking what does it matter.....well, it doesn't really...we waited until the new load was dried and then put the jeans from yesterday back in. But it is just so maddening that he cannot follow a simple set of instructions.

 

Sigh.

[Tess in the Burbs]

ugh.  that stinks.  

 

I keep hearing from people with young adults that their teens were the same, but they are surviving adulthood. We can hope right?

[creekland]

But it is just so maddening that he cannot follow a simple set of instructions.

 

Sigh.

 

I get the frustration totally, so no criticism here.

 

But the maddening part might diminish a little if you envision something you can't or don't do well rather than comparing him to something you can do well.  

 

When I get annoyed at hubby or one of my boys due to something that is important to me, I try to do that.  I envision myself trying to fix our furnace or water pipes or trying to be artistic with some job or another.  It helps.

 

We all have things we're pretty darn good at, and not-so-good at.

 

The good news with teens is they can improve as their brain matures.  The rest of us?  It takes far more effort.

[maize]

I can't even follow instructions I give myself :tongue_smilie:

[creekland]

I can't even follow instructions I give myself :tongue_smilie:

 

I've been known to go to the store specifically to get one item, but then add other things to my list to combine errands or stock up on some sale stuff.  I end up coming home without the main thing I went for way too many times.  This past week I did it twice for the same item.  I am not proud of this fact.  It makes me pretty angry at myself TBH.

 

I remember times like that when I get mad at others for simple things too.

[StephanieZ]

Sad to admit, but I'd likely clean up the debris myself, and I'd thank ds for making an effort. :)

 

I, too, have a ds16. . .

 

Sometimes you just have to count your blessings and move on. I'd say that laundry isn't important to ds, but he made a significant effort to comply with your instructions. The details come later. Maybe much later. Maybe never, lol.

 

If I were particularly annoyed, I might ask ds to do another load or two or some other chore to "make it up to me" for not completing the task . . . But, in all honesty, I'd not bother. I'd just be thankful for small progress and move on. And smile. :)

 

In a couple more years, we won't have smelly teen boys around 24/7 messing up the place, and we'll be counting our blessings with each short text or holiday visit . . . Maybe by the time they come home, they'll have learned to clean up after themselves. Or not, lol. But, I bet we won't mind it so much when we only get them holidays and summers . . . and someday, not even that!

[EMS83]

I probably would have made redoing it priority #1 the following day, without any fuss...and wondered if I needed to reevaluate the laundry assignments (weighing the factors and so forth before reaching a decision).  I'm training them, though.  I never had to do any chores growing up and that is no good.  A good work ethic is generally a good thing to have, anyway.  I mean, it's good he was out volunteering and so forth.  I was a fairly neat kid, but when I left the house at that age, I was up to no good whatsoever.  

 

 

*edited for dumb redundancy*

Edited March 30, 2016 by CES2005

[goldberry]

I have to say that I'm married to a person like this... likely where DD got it from.  Of course he is not as bad as DD, because he has learned some coping skills as an adult (lists, reminders, etc) but still has that ability to totally lose seemingly simple instructions and tasks.  It gets worse when things are stressful (typically when it is even MORE important for things to get done of course!)  Just like my tendency is to get more critical and controlling when things are stressful.

 

When we were first married and young, I used to get angry and annoyed and all those other things.  Then I realized that he was annoyed and angry with himself more than I could ever be.  I LOVE THIS MAN.  He has so many amazing qualities.. but this is just not one of them.  And when I realized how hurt he was and how down it made him that he had disappointed both himself and me, it made it much easier for me to just learn to deal with it and exercise self control.

 

Yes, sometimes I still get annoyed and sharp.  But I try really hard to just remember, he's already doing it to himself.

 

It's different with DD, because I am the parent so I feel a responsibility to help her learn skills that I don't feel responsible for with DH.  But I still try to remember the general principle, that it doesn't help her to learn by getting mad.  

 

Hugs though... it's not easy! 

 

 

[Scarlett]

I have to say that I'm married to a person like this... likely where DD got it from. Of course he is not as bad as DD, because he has learned some coping skills as an adult (lists, reminders, etc) but still has that ability to totally lose seemingly simple instructions and tasks. It gets worse when things are stressful (typically when it is even MORE important for things to get done of course!) Just like my tendency is to get more critical and controlling when things are stressful.

 

When we were first married and young, I used to get angry and annoyed and all those other things. Then I realized that he was annoyed and angry with himself more than I could ever be. I LOVE THIS MAN. He has so many amazing qualities.. but this is just not one of them. And when I realized how hurt he was and how down it made him that he had disappointed both himself and me, it made it much easier for me to just learn to deal with it and exercise self control.

 

Yes, sometimes I still get annoyed and sharp. But I try really hard to just remember, he's already doing it to himself.

 

It's different with DD, because I am the parent so I feel a responsibility to help her learn skills that I don't feel responsible for with DH. But I still try to remember the general principle, that it doesn't help her to learn by getting mad.

 

Hugs though... it's not easy!

Dh and I have discussed this issue a lot. Dh is of the mind that these things just aren't a priority to ds16. I have considered that.....when I disagree with Dh he suggests that I am too soft or that ds16 is running over me. But I just don't see it. It would be MUCH easier for ds16 to just do it.

 

Yesterday, after I got irritated at him....and sharp....I calmed down and spent the rest of the day reminding without anger....BUT....when I asked him to do something he had to do it THAT instant. He loses the privilege of doing chores on his own schedule bcause he can't remember! He can't remember to look at the list!

 

So he helped me quite a bit yesterday...along with doing two days worth of school and preparing for Bible study and attending Bible Study last night.

 

He put away all the clean dishes....a full dishwasher load and a dish drainer full..

He stripped, washed, dried and remade his own bed.

He folded and put away a load of towels.

He took the trash out.

He put away his and dss14's clothes that I had folded.

 

If I had given him that written list it just wouldn't have got done. But with me here with him, telling him at every step what to do he did it fine.

 

I just need to accept that.

[almondbutterandjelly]

If I had given him that written list it just wouldn't have got done. But with me here with him, telling him at every step what to do he did it fine.

 

I just need to accept that.

That's interesting.  Does he skew heavily towards auditory in his learning style?  I was thinking that my dd is the opposite.  If I had verbally told her a long list, she wouldn't get a lot of it.  But if I had created a written list (one with pictures would be even better!), she would do all of it.  She's a completely visual learner.

[Scarlett]

That's interesting. Does he skew heavily towards auditory in his learning style? I was thinking that my dd is the opposite. If I had verbally told her a long list, she wouldn't get a lot of it. But if I had created a written list (one with pictures would be even better!), she would do all of it. She's a completely visual learner.

It wasn't exactly an auditory list. LOL.....more like step by step spoken instructions. One step at a time.

 

Ds16 strip your sheets.

Then when the clothes in the washer were moved by me to dryer

Ds16 put your sheets on to wash

Then when the washer sounded it's VERY loud buzzer signaling the load was finished

Ds16 put your sheets in the dryer

Then when dryer dinged it was finished

Ds16 get your sheets and go make your bed.

 

If I had said, "Ds strip and wash your sheets", they would have never made it out of the washer.

[Scarlett]

But here is an Interesting observation. He never remembers to make his bed unless he is going somewhere in the morning. He left before I got up this morning and his bed is made. I have come home from working all day while he is here alone and it still not be made at 5 pm.