DH puts Mom 1st

[PollyOR]

If we were newlyweds I wouldn't be surprised, but we've been together 20+ years. Why is DH suddenly confiding in his parents (esp. his mother) first? Okay, so it has been a problem in the past, but after 20 years, I thought we pretty well had it ironed out.

 

It is EATING at me:mad:! I've spelled it out to him and he swears he doesn't understand what I mean when I say that he is putting his family (mom & dad, and siblings) first. I even withheld tea for awhile to get it into his brain that it hurts me incredibly when he keeps putting them first. And if I'm not first, well then....

 

Here's an example: Tonight I asked DH if he remembers that his Dad's birthday is tomorrow. He tells me that he vaguely remembers and that he is supposed to call his Dad because his parents are out of town. He says they want him to call and let them know if he gets fired tomorrow. (Picture me with a surprised look on my face.) I am aware that layoffs are happening at DH's company over the next 6 months, but I didn't know that employees were being notified at his site tomorrow. BUT, his Mom and Dad knew????? Wow, he told them first...again.

 

I know that example may sound silly to some of you, but there has been a rash of such incidents in the past 3-4 weeks. I can't think of anything that could have triggered this other than I decided to take a break from church for awhile because I'm tired. His parents aren't sick and they aren't going away. Nothing major has happened.

 

I'm really ANGRY with DH and I don't know what to do. Every time I try to explain how this hurts me he doesn't get it and we start arguing. This is driving a huge wedge in between us and between me and his parents. I believe this is DH's fault, but I have less desire to be around his parents than ever before. BTW, they are very nice people.

 

If you've made it this far, thank you for listening to a hurt wife's vent. I feel so much better, I've decided to put the frying pan back in the kitchen instead of taking it to bed with me. :smash:

[Danestress]

how personally you allow yourself to take this. When you said he put his mother first, I imagined him giving her money you can't afford, taking her on vacation and leaving you at home, eating dinner with her twice a week when the other nights he works late.

 

I can think of reasons he would tell her parents something and not tell you. I wouldn't LIKE these reasons if I were a wife. I expect to know all important information regarding our finances, his job, etc. So I am not saying it's just "okay" he did that. But I can think of reasons.

 

Maybe he is very stressed about it and suspects that if he tells you, your stress and worry will make it worse for him. Or even worse, he might suspect you will want to *talk* about it. Sometimes it's easier to tell someone that you don't actually live with.

 

Maybe he's looked at your finances and knows that if he loses his job, he might have to ask his parents for a loan. SO manybe he told them for that reason. If you don't work and can't do anything about it, maybe he just decided not to tell you until he knows for sure.

 

Maybe he feels like you have so much you are already worried or depressed about that he doesn't want to give you more, and he thinks he is protecting you.

 

Maybe he forgot he didn't tell you already?

 

Just thinking through the possibilities.

[dawn of ns]

What about simply telling him that he needs to tell you these things first. Nevermind telling him about how hurt you are, just give him the orders. Much less confusing flor a guy.

 

Here's an analogy for him. What he's doing is like being in business with a partner but telling his friends everything about his business dealings before telling his business partner. Men like solid analogies.

 

So just lay down you expectations and offer him a concession. You expect to be told things first so you aren't dealing with surprises from him and his family and if he's doing that you won't have a problem with him telling them.

[Lisa at Home]

I haven't been able to keep up with the boards as well as I used to, but by the way you used the word tea, I am going to assume you mean s*x.

 

I'm sorry about your whole issue, truly, I am. There have been a few times when dh has sone the same thing inadvertently, but not as a general rule. I just mean that I understand how if feels.

 

But to use "tea," as you say, as a tool of punishment and manipulation, is a bad, bad way to deal with things. In the end, it is just another way to create wedges and disharmony in your realtionship. If anything, I would be pouring out so much tea that dh didn't have time to even think of his parents, LOL!:D Use tea to create harmony and communication!!!

 

Best wishes,

 

~Lisa

[angela in ohio]

(((Polly)))

 

You can only control how you are acting in this situation, not what dh is doing. You can affect change in him through your actions, but just telling him to change won't usually do it. Basically, you have two choices. You can punish him or fight with him and become someone he wants to talk to even less, or you can get over your hurt and strive to become someone he wants to talk to and share with. I usually try to think of anything I might have been doing to cause the problem, because that is something I CAN control. If it were me, I would think about any time he had shared news with me. Had I reacted well? Had I been patient to listen and calm in my response?

 

I think that many of the things Danestress said could be reasons, also, especially that he might need to ask his parents for financial help, so he was setting things up ahead of time.

 

You say your break from church might be the problem. Is that upsetting to him?

 

And withholding tea never seems to make things better. I have never heard a woman say her dh changed for the better because she refused him love. Maybe more tea is in order? ;)

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this rough time, but the board rules ask us to refrain from spouse bashing.

 

Besides, we are not the people to talk to in this situation. You might want to find a marriage counselor who is used to handling this sort of problem.

 

Best of wishes.

[Jzsnow]

I didn't think she was bashing her DH, just asking for some input.

 

I can only agree that witholding tea might make things worse. Hugs to you!! :grouphug:

 

Jessica

[WTMindy]

It the big scheme of things, it is a good thing for your dh to be close to his parents. I obviously don't know the whole story, so I don't know if the relationship is truly disfunctional or not, but at this point, it doesn't seem like he is going to change, and it doesn't seem like he is doing something that is very harmful to the relationship, other than annoying you. So, the only other variable is to try and change how you are responding. I would really work on not getting annoyed when he tells them things first. Just choose to be thankful that he has a good relationship with them. Choose to not dwell on it. Choose to not respond with hurt.

 

Now, if there are other problems that you have not mentioned here, I would suggest counseling, but if the whole story is really that he tells them things first, then I would just move on. He sees you every day and probably doesn't remember specifically what he has told you. His parents probably ask him specific questions that draw him out because he doesn't talk to them quite as much (maybe?) and so the conversations tend to be more oriented around what things are going on in his life. When he is with you, real life is happening and conversations may end up being about daily mundane stuff.

 

I think using s*x as a weapon in a relationship is a dangerous strategy. I know it is a cath-22 because when you are hurt you don't really want to, but it sounded by your post that you were doing it a bit more on purpose. I'm not sure that ever does anything to help a situation. Maybe he needs the opposite incentive. Tell him that every time he tells you something before he tells his parents, he gets "tea time". He'll be running to you with every little detail he can think of!! ;)

[Trivium Academy]

The tension between you may be causing him to go to his parents first. He probably needs the exact opposite of what you're doing right now and from experience, men don't respond well to being bashed over the head with their mistakes over and over again. His parents love him unconditionally, are you doing the same for him right now?

 

Granted, his actions are not healthy to your relationship but neither are yours. You probably confused him as to why you stopped going to church and he sought his parents' advice. I don't know, I shouldn't say anything but I do pray things will get better and he won't be laid off.

 

:grouphug:

[Sharon in SC]

Maybe he needs the opposite incentive. Tell him that every time he tells you something before he tells his parents, he gets "tea time". He'll be running to you with every little detail he can think of!! ;)

 

Love it! :D

[PollyOR]

Thanks to everyone. I appreciate your feedback. It can be hard to think straight when you feel hurt. <sigh>

 

And, you are right about tea. I know better, but I have to admit that it's hard to feel intimate with the person that you perceive is hurting you.

 

Thanks,

Polly

[WTMindy]

Thanks to everyone. I appreciate your feedback. It can be hard to think straight when you feel hurt. <sigh>

 

And, you are right about tea. I know better, but I have to admit that it's hard to feel intimate with the person that you perceive is hurting you.

 

Thanks,

Polly

 

:grouphug::grouphug: Huge hugs to you Polly!! I'm sure that the situation is much more complicated than you can fully share here, but please know that I'm saying a prayer for you and your marriage right now!! I pray that you will resolve this issue.

[Joanne]

{{hugs}}

 

While I agree about the tea, I wanted to validate YOUR feelings.

 

I'd have the same reaction. It's clear from your post that he's engaged with them on a level and in priority order that would bother many wives; I know it would bother me!

[dirty ethel rackham]

Gotta agree with Joanne here. This would hurt me terribly. It shows a troubling disparity in trust and emotional intimacy. If my spouse were to share something significant with someone else and not have a good reason (doesn't sound like he thinks it is an issue at all), I would react the same way. Intentional withholding of 'tea' as punishment is a bad idea, but I cannot see how one can engage in the brewing process with this serious a breach in the relationship.

[Kanga]

This would bother me as well. My dh has shared things with his parents and I have found out after the fact, usually from my mil. :glare: The main reason this happens is because he has a long commute, his parents know this and call him while he is driving home. Then he gets home and life happens and he forgets to tell me. Understanding the dynamics does not make it easier for me to accept. I have told him (and it seems to be working) that I don't care what he tells his parents, but that he ought to at least do a CYA phone call to his long suffering wife so that I don't go ballistic when I hear that we might be moving to ______________ from his mom. :tongue_smilie:

[lwilliams1922]

If we were newlyweds I wouldn't be surprised, but we've been together 20+ years. Why is DH suddenly confiding in his parents (esp. his mother) first? Okay, so it has been a problem in the past, but after 20 years, I thought we pretty well had it ironed out.

 

It is EATING at me:mad:! I've spelled it out to him and he swears he doesn't understand what I mean when I say that he is putting his family (mom & dad, and siblings) first. I even withheld tea for awhile to get it into his brain that it hurts me incredibly when he keeps putting them first. And if I'm not first, well then....

 

Here's an example: Tonight I asked DH if he remembers that his Dad's birthday is tomorrow. He tells me that he vaguely remembers and that he is supposed to call his Dad because his parents are out of town. He says they want him to call and let them know if he gets fired tomorrow. (Picture me with a surprised look on my face.) I am aware that layoffs are happening at DH's company over the next 6 months, but I didn't know that employees were being notified at his site tomorrow. BUT, his Mom and Dad knew????? Wow, he told them first...again.

 

I know that example may sound silly to some of you, but there has been a rash of such incidents in the past 3-4 weeks. I can't think of anything that could have triggered this other than I decided to take a break from church for awhile because I'm tired. His parents aren't sick and they aren't going away. Nothing major has happened.

 

I'm really ANGRY with DH and I don't know what to do. Every time I try to explain how this hurts me he doesn't get it and we start arguing. This is driving a huge wedge in between us and between me and his parents. I believe this is DH's fault, but I have less desire to be around his parents than ever before. BTW, they are very nice people.

 

If you've made it this far, thank you for listening to a hurt wife's vent. I feel so much better, I've decided to put the frying pan back in the kitchen instead of taking it to bed with me. :smash:

 

I can understand how you feel.

 

:grouphug:

[Apiphobic]

But to use "tea," as you say, as a tool of punishment and manipulation, is a bad, bad way to deal with things. In the end, it is just another way to create wedges and disharmony in your realtionship. If anything, I would be pouring out so much tea that dh didn't have time to even think of his parents, LOL!:D Use tea to create harmony and communication!!!

 

Isn't this still a form of manipulation though? :001_huh:

Not trying to single you out or anything, it just popped into my head when I read this. I think it's the phrase "use tea" that's throwing me for a loop. I guess I don't think of "using" it. Giving and receiving? Kind of like gift-giving, maybe that's more in line with my thought process. Or maybe it should be bodily process. ;)

 

{{hugs}}

 

While I agree about the tea, I wanted to validate YOUR feelings.

 

I'd have the same reaction. It's clear from your post that he's engaged with them on a level and in priority order that would bother many wives; I know it would bother me!

 

Well-said, Joanne.

 

PollyOR, I hope you didn't feel like you were getting kicked in the teeth while you were down. I was sympathizing with you and wanted to post earlier but had no time. I'm glad there were some encouraging posts here for you. And I hope you and your dh are able to resolve this ... soon! :(

[PollyOR]

A little update...

 

I sent DH an e-mail pointing out my theory about my church attendance affecting his trust in me. He didn't respond, but it must have gotten through to him a little. Since then DH has been trying harder :) . He called me from work Monday to let me know that he was transferred to another position in the company. He didn't call his parents, but let them call him. Also, he's been calling me from work to let me know things. Hopefully that won't change when his parents return.

 

When my in-laws called Monday night, I thought it was a little strange that they had their son-in-law make the call. Once I handed the phone off to DH, they apparently got on the line. Think they might be scared of me? ;)

 

And lest anyone thinks I'm in-law bashing, let it be known that I'm a mother-in-law so I know what it feels like to be on the other end of things. It certainly isn't easy trying to find a balance between enjoying your adult child but not being intrusive.

 

Thanks for all your help!

Polly