Taking in a teenager--what should we think about and plan for?

[Melinda in VT]

Our family has offered to take in a teenage relative who is dealing with multiple diagnoses and bullying at school. Our kids (all in double digits) are on board with the idea.

 

I'm not sure if it's going to happen--they are still trying to get him stabilized on the new meds, and one of his parents doesn't want to talk about a move until that happens--but I want to be prepared in case it does.

 

His parents are divorced and both in different states/countries, so we will need some legal, written agreement in place. What sorts of things should we make sure to include?

 

For those of you who have done this, what advice would you give us?

[Innisfree]

ETA disclaimer: I haven't taken in a child or teen, but I do have a child with multiple diagnoses.

 

I have no experience with what you'd need legally, and much would depend on the diagnoses, but I think I'd want to know that the teen himself was in favor of the plan.

 

I also think I'd need his and his parents' agreement that he would begin counselling immediately if the diagnoses include any sort of mental health concerns. It might be appropriate for family counselling to be included for all of you to help support everyone as he settles in and inevitable stresses occur.

[Melinda in VT]

I have no experience with what you'd need legally, and much would depend on the diagnoses, but I think I'd want to know that the teen himself was in favor of the plan.

 

I also think I'd need his and his parents' agreement that he would begin counselling immediately if the diagnoses include any sort of mental health concerns. It might be appropriate for family counselling to be included for all of you to help support everyone as he settles in and inevitable stresses occur.

 

Thanks. Yes, DH and I are firm that we need the teen to be on board with the plan. We won't have him here against his will.

 

We were planning on counseling for the teen, but I hadn't thought about family counseling. That's a good idea.

 

[Amira]

We don't have the medical issues that you would potentially be dealing with, but our teenage son is spending his last two years of high school living with relatives while we are in other states and countries.

 

We are using a PoA to deal with the legal side of things.  You'd need to check on your state laws (the laws of the state you reside in, not the laws of the state/country the parents are residing in) and find out what rules there are regarding longer-term PoAs.  In the state ds is living in, we need a new notarized PoA every six months.  It allows our relative to act in every way as a parent (except they can't consent to our son getting married too young or having someone else adopt him). We have a copy and they have a copy.  They haven't needed it much, but with medical issues, you'd be likely to need it more often.  

 

I trust this relative completely to make good decisions for our son.  We can always revoke the PoA if necessary.  I think having a simple and very broad PoA is a good way to go, but that will obviously depend on your specific circumstances.

 

I imagine that it will be complicated dealing with parenting decisions between all of you when his parents are divorced and in different time zones from you.  You'll want to have very good communication, but for it to work, I really think you need them to be willing to allow you to make certain decisions without as much input from them as they might like.  It can be hard to find a balance between everyone's needs and desires- yours, his, his parents, your kids, etc. 

[Melinda in VT]

Thanks, Amira. That's very helpful.

 

Do you mind my asking if your son is still on your insurance?

 

We are fine covering basic expenses, but we want the parents to maintain financial responsibility for physical and mental health expenses.

[Ottakee]

We are foster parents so a bit different but we do take in kids with multiple issues.

 

You will need POA or guardianship papers. Will he stay on his parents insurance or switch to yours? Will they provide financial support for co-pays, school activities, clothes, allowance, extras, etc?

 

Will he be homeschooled or go to public schools? There are pros and cons to each and you need your family, his and him to be on board with the choice made.

 

You need to set up house rules from the get go and make sure both parents are totally on board and won't let him play you vs them. Depending on his issues you might need more rules than you ever had with your kids.

 

Will he have a computer, phone, etc? Think through internet usage,etc. As strict as it seems my friend collects all electronics at 10pm every day and they charge in her bedroom. Also, kids are not allowed to have electronics in their bedrooms....they all have to stay on the main floor of the house during the day.

 

Is he driving age? Age for drivers training? How will that be handled?

 

What about church? If you attend, will he be required to attend or not?

 

Set up chores from the first day.

 

Again, depending on the issues at hand, we have the rule that boys don't do in girls bedrooms and girls never in boys....that includes our kids.

 

What are rules on curfews, friends, dating, etc?

 

So much to consider. I won't say it will be easy, but it can be a huge blessing to everyone.

 

Just realize the stress it will be for you and dh as well as your other kids...and him. Self care is important for all.

 

Oh, and with the meds, I am assuming they are psych meds. If so, most likely YOU will need to lock up the meds, hand them out, and make sure they are actually taken....and swallowed :-)

[Amira]

Thanks, Amira. That's very helpful.

 

Do you mind my asking if your son is still on your insurance?

 

We are fine covering basic expenses, but we want the parents to maintain financial responsibility for physical and mental health expenses.

 

Yes, he's still on our insurance and I don't think there is any way I'd take on that responsibility for someone else's child unless the circumstances were dire.  Aside from keeping him on our insurance, we give our relative a set amount of money each month, more than what it actually costs them to feed and house him because I know they are adding stress into their lives even though I know they are happy to have ds there and they offered to do it.  They are doing a lot for him so I feel more comfortable paying them.

 

Ds follows the rules at our relative's house and knows that he can't live there if he doesn't (since he loves it there, that's not a problem).  It really has worked best for us to allow our relative to make most decisions and treat him like one of their own sons in most ways.  This was the only relative I would have agreed to do this with because their parenting style is very similar to ours.  I am still in charge of homeschooling ds and I talk to him every day, but it still has been hard for dh to feel like we're not as involved in his life and to let our relatives take over a lot of things. Ds needed to go and this is best for him, but it's still hard all around in different ways for everyone.

[Spryte]

I've done this, in my 20s, before marriage. I only have a few moments on my phone, but in short, in addition to the above:

 

Counseling is great. We did family therapy together, and he had therapy alone. His mom, my best friend, had died, so we were both processing grief. If there's been bullying, counseling might be good. Plus, it gives a safe space to talk about practical living concerns.

 

He learned to drive with me. I called my insurance co, and there was no charge to add him as a permitted driver. Had he gotten his license, it would have cost, obviously.

 

There's a big adjustment period. We tried to just be together and have fun a lot.

 

Get the legal stuff in order so you can do what you need to do. That was addressed above, I think.

 

Ground rules. Make everything clear. No surprises about expectations or consequences.

[Melinda in VT]

Ottakee, Amira, and Spryte, thank you so much. You've each given me ideas on how to make this work if the parents and teen decide to move forward.

[TechWife]

I think you need to talk to a lawyer who has family law experience in the state where you reside in order to cover the legalities. 

[Garga]

I have no actual idea what I'm talking about, so take this with a grain of salt.

 

I read a book called The Essential 55 by a highly recongnized teacher. He had amazing success in his classrooms. He went on to found his own school.

 

He says that during the first few weeks of school, he has very strict rules and enforced them without exception. And then, as time goes on, he loosens them. He says that if you start off lenient and then try to toughen up, it just doesn't work. The kids rebel and are miserable. But if you start out tough and want to loosen up, then you've got wiggle room.

 

I think if I were in your shoes, I'd have set rules about chores and curfews and homework, etc. I'd be pleasant, but I'd set the bar high. And then, later, if want to say, "Let's extend your curfew an hour later," you can do it easier than having to say, "Uh...you need to come home an hour earlier from now on."

 

Don't go crazy with rules, but whatever guidelines you do set, make them firm and then you can back off later if you like rather than having to make them stricter in the future. It's harder later to suddenly become the bad guy after coming across as a marshmallow.

 

But, I don't really know what I'm talking about. I'm just getting this from a book.