Convincing aging parents to move near you

[Scarlett]

Thanks AM. My brother went to the nursing home this morning and dad said, "you said I didn't have to come back to the hospital, so why am I here?"

 

Poor brother. He just told dad that it wasn't a hospital but a nursing home where he was staying for 5 days while the doctors decide what is best for him and everyone. Dad said, "oh ok".

 

Dad cannot go home. He keeps falling and I am surprised he hasn't broken a hip yet.

[Guest]

We just took great grandma to the ER for a fall in her nursing home a few days ago. Apparently there is some liability thing where they won't transport for anything short of unconsciousness. She's so addled that she just forgets what is going on a few minutes later anyway, but it's very draining for my inlaws to manage.

 

They're actually five hundred miles away right now doing one last push to clean out her home for rent. She had packed it full like a hoarder for many years and it's taken two sisters six months of trips to get it all managed. Ugh. And in the meantime great grandma just keeps being brutally blunt and painfully demented, and there is nothing anyone can do about it but deal.

 

Your poor brother :(

[Scarlett]

Ok, I have an update. Well, first I read my last post on this thread.....my dad died on sept 6. :(. But this thread is actually not about him...but getting my mom and step dad to move.

 

My parents went on their trip to see my sister. She says the trip went great and they seem very committed to the move. In fact they cut that trip shorter than they ever have to come back and look at more houses.

 

Now for the best indication they are serious. It is no longer a secret. They told their close friends and my dad told the elders in their congregation. They have something Important going on next week and then first of November they get serious about listing the house.

 

I am praying their house sells and they get what they want out of it. I am a little worried they will get all stubborn if someone tells them it isn't worth what they think. They have worked so hard and spent a lot of money on their home...it is lovely and comfortable, but very non traditional...because it has been added on to about 4 times. It is technically a 2 bedroom but has several living areas...and once when I suggested to her ways to turn it into 3 bedrooms for selling purposes she got a little huffy. Sigh. Hopefully a realtor can convince them to stage it for the best.

[HelenNotOfTroy]

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

I hope your parents moving works out.

[Scarlett]

An update. Because I need to vent.

 

My parents listed their house end of December. Well, actually it was on a FSBO site....anyway, it was listed for 3 weeks, which is no time during the holidays.....when mom texted me and said they had decided to stay put. That it was all too stressful ad they couldn't do it. I was very very upset......a lot of effort had been put into house hunting and getting their house ready for the. Arlen....Dh and I and ds spent the long thanksgiving holiday there doing A LOT of work. Then just poof, nope not moving.

 

Well my sister talked me down and reminded me they are adults and we can't make this decision for them. I have pretty much accepted it. My my mom and niece for lunch and pedicures and shopping last week...it was a great day.

 

Last night I opene up FB and there is their house listed on the FSBO site. I asked her about it via text and she was very blasé about it....oh it has always been for sale if someone wants to buy it they can.

 

What the heck! Are they trying to drive me insane?

 

I called my sister and she is on a mission to make them get a will before they travel to see her across country next month. A year ago they tore up their will.....some attorney told them they did not need one. Well I think they need one just in general but we have a sticky situation with my step brother who lives in assisted living and doesn't have his mind....and my brother who owes my parents a ton of money. Leaving no will will cause HUGE Headaches for sister because she is in charge of my step brothers care and all his care will be affected by having an inheritance. And if my parents intend to cut my brother out of the will because of what he owes them and what he did to me this is not the way to do it....he will by default inherit if there is no will saying otherwise.

 

Ok vent over. Losing my mind.

[OhanaBee]

An update. Because I need to vent.

 

My parents listed their house end of December. Well, actually it was on a FSBO site....anyway, it was listed for 3 weeks, which is no time during the holidays.....when mom texted me and said they had decided to stay put. That it was all too stressful ad they couldn't do it. I was very very upset......a lot of effort had been put into house hunting and getting their house ready for the. Arlen....Dh and I and ds spent the long thanksgiving holiday there doing A LOT of work. Then just poof, nope not moving.

 

Well my sister talked me down and reminded me they are adults and we can't make this decision for them. I have pretty much accepted it. My my mom and niece for lunch and pedicures and shopping last week...it was a great day.

 

Last night I opene up FB and there is their house listed on the FSBO site. I asked her about it via text and she was very blasé about it....oh it has always been for sale if someone wants to buy it they can.

 

What the heck! Are they trying to drive me insane?

 

I called my sister and she is on a mission to make them get a will before they travel to see her across country next month. A year ago they tore up their will.....some attorney told them they did not need one. Well I think they need one just in general but we have a sticky situation with my step brother who lives in assisted living and doesn't have his mind....and my brother who owes my parents a ton of money. Leaving no will will cause HUGE Headaches for sister because she is in charge of my step brothers care and all his care will be affected by having an inheritance. And if my parents intend to cut my brother out of the will because of what he owes them and what he did to me this is not the way to do it....he will by default inherit if there is no will saying otherwise.

 

Ok vent over. Losing my mind.

 

Holy. Cow.  (((Hugs))) to you.

 

After dealing with the mess of my father-in-law's burial and funeral last summer, I asked my own parents about their plans for burial.  As in: "Do you have any?"  Mom's response was "Just scatter me in a rose garden...."

 

Um.....ok?  BUT DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS??? 

 

They refuse to admit they're getting older and their health isn't what it used to be.  Dad has Parkinson's.  They can't live in their house much longer due to his physical issues WHICH AREN'T GOING AWAY.  But sure.....stick your heads in the sand and don't tell your children what your plans are.  We'll be happy to wing it when the time comes.

 

I have already apologized to my children for what I suspect will happen in 30 years.  Because, if we're going off of what seems to be family heredity.......I will officially lose my logical mind when I turn 75.

 

Edited June 28, 2016 by OhanaBee

[regentrude]

nm. 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 28, 2016 by regentrude

[Scarlett]

 

nm.

 

Noooooo. What did you say? I need feedback.

[Scarlett]

Holy. Cow. (((Hugs))) to you.

 

After dealing with the mess of my father-in-law's burial and funeral last summer, I asked my own parents about their plans for burial. As in: "Do you have any?" Mom's response was "Just scatter me in a rose garden...."

 

Um.....ok? BUT DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS???

 

They refuse to admit they're getting older and their health isn't what it used to be. Dad has Parkinson's. They can't live in their house much longer due to his physical issues WHICH AREN'T GOING AWAY. But sure.....stick your heads in the sand and don't tell your children what your plans are. We'll be happy to wing it when the time comes.

 

I have already apologized to my children for what I suspect will happen in 30 years. Because, if we're going off of what seems to be family heredity.......I will officially lose my logical mind when I turn 75.

 

My sister and I are on the same page. I hope she can talk her dad into a will. And I guess they have to give my brother and step brother something? Not sure how that works... Ugh. This is WHy they won't do a will...because they will have to say, "to this child I leave a token amount".

[Um_2_4]

My sister and I are on the same page. I hope she can talk her dad into a will. And I guess they have to give my brother and step brother something? Not sure how that works... Ugh. This is WHy they won't do a will...because they will have to say, "to this child I leave a token amount".

 

It may vary by state, but in CA, you can mention that so-n-so is specifically excluded or is not to receive anything from my estate, so they can not contest it. It is when you leave the name out totally that some contest it. I have heard in other states that they leave them $1 and state why.

[regentrude]

Noooooo. What did you say? I need feedback.

 

I had responded to the first post, not realizing that the post was old and the situation has changed.

 

What I had written was that the way you describe your parents, it sounds as if they are not too old  to move, but also not too old to stay in the community where they are living an active, involved life. They are independent, thinking adults who surely weigh the question of a move, but have to make their own decision.

 

Now, after reading the last update, I would add that yes, you should definitely impress on them the importance of having a will, particularly with a step brother who needs care. Our family is in a similar situation, and the need to make provisions for my disabled brother was what prompted my parents to consult a lawyer about the best will in this situation.

Your parents would not need a will if the situation was simple. It is complicated, and thus they absolutely need one.

But that should be a topic best brought up independently of the move.

[Scarlett]

I had responded to the first post, not realizing that the post was old and the situation has changed.

 

What I had written was that the way you describe your parents, it sounds as if they are not too old to move, but also not too old to stay in the community where they are living an active, involved life. They are independent, thinking adults who surely weigh the question of a move, but have to make their own decision.

 

Now, after reading the last update, I would add that yes, you should definitely impress on them the importance of having a will, particularly with a step brother who needs care. Our family is in a similar situation, and the need to make provisions for my disabled brother was what prompted my parents to consult a lawyer about the best will in this situation.

Your parents would not need a will if the situation was simple. It is complicated, and thus they absolutely need one.

But that should be a topic best brought up independently of the move.

Yes I agree it is two seperate issues.....I just put it all together because I happened to talk to my sister and she brought up,the will issue.

[Wheres Toto]

My stepfather passed away in April without a will.  It has been crazy for my mother with all the extra paperwork she has to do because there is no will.  Even in a community property state, it is just insane.  Every time we see her she reminds dh and I that we should have a will.  Her situation wasn't particularly complicated but basic things need extra forms filled out (and filing fees paid) because there is no will.  I'm sure this varies by state but for her, it's been a real pita that she's still dealing with.

[Bluegoat]

Dealing with my mother, who is completely sharp at 90, I try to remember that she is an adult with complete autonomy.  She's not stupid, so she knows that if she stays where she is (eight hours away) then she cannot get much help from me and is more likely to end up in a care home, because I won't be there to help her to stay independent.  She has moving close to me or my brother in mind - she brings it up occasionally - but it's always 'not yet'.  That's her choice, hard as it is to watch.

 

I wonder though if people sometimes realize that even in a care home, having relatives neaby makes a huge difference.  To the quality of care, but also, eventually, there needs to be some real involvement from other family members, because care homes do not do everything.  My grandad is about 90 now and also sharp, and lives in seniors residence, but he has started to need someone to come with him to hospital appointments and to help with his banking as well.  People who are on their own for that kind of thing can find things really fall through the cracks if they don't have a plan to take care of it.

[Bluegoat]

Ok, I have an update. Well, first I read my last post on this thread.....my dad died on sept 6. :(. But this thread is actually not about him...but getting my mom and step dad to move.

 

My parents went on their trip to see my sister. She says the trip went great and they seem very committed to the move. In fact they cut that trip shorter than they ever have to come back and look at more houses.

 

Now for the best indication they are serious. It is no longer a secret. They told their close friends and my dad told the elders in their congregation. They have something Important going on next week and then first of November they get serious about listing the house.

 

I am praying their house sells and they get what they want out of it. I am a little worried they will get all stubborn if someone tells them it isn't worth what they think. They have worked so hard and spent a lot of money on their home...it is lovely and comfortable, but very non traditional...because it has been added on to about 4 times. It is technically a 2 bedroom but has several living areas...and once when I suggested to her ways to turn it into 3 bedrooms for selling purposes she got a little huffy. Sigh. Hopefully a realtor can convince them to stage it for the best.

 

Well, it may just appeal to the right buyer.  I love quirky houses.

[Laura Corin]

I wonder though if people sometimes realize that even in a care home, having relatives nearby makes a huge difference.  To the quality of care, but also, eventually, there needs to be some real involvement from other family members, because care homes do not do everything.  My grandad is about 90 now and also sharp, and lives in seniors residence, but he has started to need someone to come with him to hospital appointments and to help with his banking as well.  People who are on their own for that kind of thing can find things really fall through the cracks if they don't have a plan to take care of it.

 

You are right.  Things have moved on here: my mother ended up in hospital on and off for three months and wasn't able to move back into her house.  The house had become a danger not only to her (which was her choice) but also her next door neighbour - also elderly.

 

We brought her up to live in Scotland.  She wasn't keen but could see that the alternative was going into a care home, which she liked the idea of even less. We tried to find her a flat to live in here but for various reasons it didn't work out.  She living with us permanently.

 

And yes, appointments are taking up a lot of time, despite her being astonishingly healthy for her 91 years.  Health professionals tell her how well she is all the time.  But there's a lot to do nonetheless.  She's a lot healthier now than when she lived on her own.  Theoretically she had the same level of access to medical facilities there as here, but without someone to advocate and help her to follow through, things just didn't work for her.

[3 ladybugs]

I couldn't read this without offering my hugs. (((hugs)))

 

I have dealt with this too recently and I am sort of at the point where I just don't care anymore. I think my in-laws are going to stay put and short of God himself coming down and saying otherwise, that is that. You can't push a rope. The best you can do is come up with a plan for if the worst happens, what you would have to deal with and leave it at that. 

[Scarlett]

Well, it may just appeal to the right buyer. I love quirky houses.

I hope. If someone looked at it I know they could see the potential for making it 3 bedrooms. I wish she would at least change the ad to read ' could be 3 bedrooms'.

[kiwik]

I wish my mother were closer. But she has done so well developing her social life since my stepfather died unexpectedly. It took a lot of courage and it would be hard to do again.