teachermom2834 Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 At what point can I go to bed, leave the door unlocked and the linens on the couch? My MIL insists on arriving after 11:00pm (we go to bed between 10-11). We always wait up but she just called and will not be in until 12:30- 1:00 am. We have a busy weekend with kids coming up and are exhausted from the week we just finished. Do we have to wait up that late? And she will want to visit when she gets here. She does this by choice- it is a 12 hour drive but she won't leave until late morning and she hit some construction this time. It is a strained relationship. Am I just being difficult or is it rude to arrive at such an hour (when it is within her control)? I really want to call her and tell her we've got to turn in but everything is set up for her in the family room and she should make herself at home. We'll see her in the morning. What to do? Marie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 I really want to call her and tell her we've got to turn in but everything is set up for her in the family room and she should make herself at home. We'll see her in the morning. What to do? Marie Go ahead. What is she going to wake you guys up? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Share Posted August 30, 2008 or just pout the whole weekend. Maybe she'll plan to arrive earlier next time, though. I just want to make sure I'm not being terribly disrespectful. I generally am by the end of the visit but trying not to start that way! Marie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunty Social Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 I don't know if I'm the best person to give advice on something like this, but I'll give it a shot. Just take it with a large grain of salt! We've had guests (inlaws and parents) arrive late, and generally we've been up, but only because we were watching a movie or playing a game. We usually stay up late on Fridays (except during soccer season;)). If I knew that I had to be up early because of commitments, I'd call and explain that we had a busy, stressful week behind us with not much rest, and needed to be functioning early so.....I'm so sorry, but the door is unlocked, snacks/drinks are out, and your bed is all set up. Goodnight. I don't know your mil's temperment. We've arrived at my inlaws really late before, and they've been in bed. We actually were relieved not to have to visit, and to be able to put the kids (and us) right to bed. Maybe she'd be grateful to be able to just collapse. I have to add that I find her behavior just a little rude, though. Arriving late because of work or other commitments is one thing. But just being to set in your ways to leave a couple hours earlier....well, my poor dh would be wearing earplugs about now because of my fuming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in MI Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Can your dh stay up for them? My ILs do this regularly. My dh stays awake and carries luggage up to the guest room. If not, I'd say, leave a note and go to bed!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2legomaniacs Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Well, I go to bed when *my* visiting family shows up late! I need my sleep and would be a total grump the next day if I stayed up. DH is more a night owl and stays up. My vote: let your dh stay up and you go on to bed! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 or just pout the whole weekend. Maybe she'll plan to arrive earlier next time, though. I just want to make sure I'm not being terribly disrespectful. I generally am by the end of the visit but trying not to start that way! Marie I think I'd start out by going out of my way. In other words, by behaving as though she were some other (more honored) guest. For me that would mean having everything waiting in the family room as you had planned, but then if it were me I'd probably nap on the couch till she arrived. Upon arrival, I'd give a warm hug, a quick rundown of the area you've prepared for her, and then I'd smile and say, "I know you've got to be tired from the drive, so I'm going to leave you some privacy and head off to bed. Good night {smile sweetly & serenely, and then off you go}. I'm sure you have good, solid reasons for the disrespect you're expecting to show later on, but you can "win" this by taking the high road, however she may behave. Regardless of how you're really feeling, you can behave with restraint and civility. Water off a duck's back, girl! You can do it! The ruder she may be, the more polite you become. It's kind of a personal challenge in my life...just how graciously can I behave towards people who are "bumps in the road". :) Would your dh be amazed if you managed it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom to Aly Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 I think I'd start out by going out of my way. In other words, by behaving as though she were some other (more honored) guest. For me that would mean having everything waiting in the family room as you had planned, but then if it were me I'd probably nap on the couch till she arrived. Upon arrival, I'd give a warm hug, a quick rundown of the area you've prepared for her, and then I'd smile and say, "I know you've got to be tired from the drive, so I'm going to leave you some privacy and head off to bed. Good night {smile sweetly & serenely, and then off you go}. I'm sure you have good, solid reasons for the disrespect you're expecting to show later on, but you can "win" this by taking the high road, however she may behave. Regardless of how you're really feeling, you can behave with restraint and civility. Water off a duck's back, girl! You can do it! The ruder she may be, the more polite you become. It's kind of a personal challenge in my life...just how graciously can I behave towards people who are "bumps in the road". :) Would your dh be amazed if you managed it? :iagree: I agree with all of this 100%. My x-ILS (thank God they are x--when my xh left me, I was devastated, at first--even then, one of the first things that went through my mind was I would never have to deal with his nightmare fam again if I didn't want to!!) were horrible--rude, demanding, all with the face of extreme politesse. And they lived in France, so when they came, it would be for 2-4 weeks at a time, completely disrupting my life, and expecting me to wait on them hand and foot, which I did, always with a smile on my face, and gritted teeth behind (broke a couple of teeth, literally, but smiled while doing it). I hated them, and I'm sure they hated me. But I was there when they arrived, in Washington DC, two hours from us, at 5 am, to pick them up, alone, with my 9 month old baby, there to take them back to the same airport and drive back, alone, with same baby, when their flight left at night, and they didn't want me to leave until the last minute, etc. I never let anything show, or backed away. That is what I would recommend. Not that I wouldn't be asleep on that couch, and running up the stairs as soon as they were in the house. But, I firmly believe in being "the bigger person", especially where IL's are concerned. You don't want to be the cause of a prob, there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 if they come that late often, I would leave a note on the door and go to bed. It would be nice if your dh could stay up to meet them but heck, that is late and if they want to come that late I don't think you should have to wait up. however, if they are like my mom then they would think it's rude hostess stuff and give me an earful. so you have to decide how they would react. heck, try it and if it upsets them then next time encourage them to come sooner :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Share Posted August 30, 2008 It's just been the pattern of behavior since we met. She is what I would consider a rude guest so I don't go out of my way to be a good hostess. I'm sure she figures she can be a rude guest because I am not overly polite to her. I'm going to try to do better this time. I may not make it till she gets here- she just called and is delayed again and will be even later. Dh sleeps pretty well on the couch so I'll have him wait for her so he can get her things in for her. I'm sure she is exhausted after such a long drive. I'm just being selfish- I really want to climb in bed and take my hubby with me. She doesn't have a dh so I'll just have sympathy for her. It's just something I would never do so I can't understand why she does. If she would just do everything my way things would be fine! LOL! You just do not leave on a 12 hour road trip at 11:00 am. Not when you are a women traveling alone. It's hard to break a cycle we've been in for 15 years. In my defense, when this all started she was the grown up and I was the teenager. I guess I'm the grown up now and it's time to work toward a change. My dh would be happy, I'm sure, if I took his mother in stride a little more this time. Thanks, Marie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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