Any reading suggestions for grieving death of a difficult person

[aug17girl]

I lost a family member a few months ago with whom I had a complicated relationship.    I can't seem to remember the good without remembering the bad.  I can't bear to think about the bad because I'm grieving.  

 

Anyone have any books to recommend that might help me with this?  I'm not quite ready to go to counselling, but I am considering it.  

[Crimson Wife]

Are you Christian or looking for only secular resources? There are a number of Christian books on forgiveness. Some suggestions: http://undermuchgrace.blogspot.com/2013/02/good-books-and-resources-that-explore.html

[gardenmom5]

I had to work on forgiving a very difficult person. (she died over 20 years ago) I'm religious - and so came at it from that angle.  (dh joked about a grave dance to the tune of ding-dong the wicked witch it dead.  I didn't actually do it.  her health had been so poor for the year prior to her death - her actual death was anticlimactic.  even my mother felt only relief.)

 

I also found learning about what made her such a nasty piece of work helped me to let go of my hurt and anger, and I could think about her good points.  and even develop some compassion for her own difficult experiences when she was young.  (didn't change that her behavior damaged a lot of people.)

 

another thing - when I wasn't actually ready to 'deal' with stuff, but bad stuff would come to the front of my mind - I would "refuse" to go there.  I just would find something else to which I would focus my attention.  I would visualize myself putting it on a shelf, and mentally go somewhere else.  I didn't fight the feelings - I just refused to dwell upon them.  later, when I was ready, I could examine them and figure things out more. (and put them on the shelf when I'd had enough.)

[Angie in VA]

Are you Christian or looking for only secular resources? There are a number of Christian books on forgiveness. Some suggestions: http://undermuchgrace.blogspot.com/2013/02/good-books-and-resources-that-explore.html

 

Thank you, Crimson Wife.

[elfgivas]

fwiw....

 

one thing to try is to get a blank journal.  on each page, write one good memory of the person.  

 

you can deal with difficult memories one of several ways.  (1) use the back page to write down just a few words of each difficult memory, so the next time you remember it, you can say, "oh, that's already listed" and move on.  it acknowledges the issue without dwelling on it.  (2) you can push it down and ignore it.  as a temporary coping mechanism it can work (eg. to get you thru a funeral or a reunion or....), but its not a great choice for long term emotional health.  all those things you've pushed down have the unfortunate habit of appearing, sometimes explosively, at the most unfortunate times.  (3) you can go fully into the memory and try to figure out what you learned from it (this only works for some kinds of memories; for other kinds, like abuse, it can be disastrous).  if it turns out that there are a few on that back page that keep coming to mind, at some time in the future you can try working on one or more of them.

 

so for those that won't go away, try writing five things:

1) what happened.  in one sentence, using only factual language.  (eg. aunt mary slapped me in the face twice at the family birthday party.  this is what you are going for.  aunt mary had a hissy fit, completely lost control and angrily bashed me in the face twice.  this is not what you are going for.)

2) how i felt.  single words.... emotions.... anger, shame, embarrassment, etc, etc

3) why i think it happened.  simple sentences.  no emotional language.  if emotional language comes up, go back and add those emotions to number two.  for some folks its also helpful to write out why you think you felt some of those emotions.

4) what you need (i'm guessing to grieve and come to a better place with it?)

5) what you are going to do about it.  (in this case, journalling, and perhaps a ritual... something like burning the event and "letting it go".    or symbolically turning lemons into lemonade.  (eg.  if someone said the mark after the slap looked like a tomato, plant tomatoes, make a tomato salad, etc.  if it looked like strawberries, make strawberries covered in chocolate and enjoy them.  this is an attempt to imprint a positive association over many difficult associations before it)

 

hth, (complicated grief sucks).

ann

 

ps.  i use books, especially children's books, with people of all ages to help recognize some of the emotions.

the books on my bookshelf to help our own family with grieving include:

http://www.amazon.com/Winter-Grief-Summer-Willowgreen-Series/dp/0806628332/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1409929143&sr=8-1&keywords=winter+grief

http://www.amazon.com/The-Fall-Freddie-Leaf-Story/dp/0943432898/ref=pd_sim_b_3?ie=UTF8&refRID=1GFJS426Y0798YC31ANX

http://www.amazon.com/Badgers-Parting-Gifts-Susan-Varley/dp/0688115187/ref=pd_sim_b_4?ie=UTF8&refRID=1GFJS426Y0798YC31ANX (i like this one because badger gets quite grumpy in his end days, and it shows his friends coping with that as well as coping with grieving)

http://www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Beautiful-Explain-Death-Children/dp/0553344021/ref=sr_1_9?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1409929387&sr=1-9&keywords=children%27s+grief+books

http://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Grandparent-Dies-Elf-Help/dp/0870293648/ref=pd_sim_b_11?ie=UTF8&refRID=1GW9GAKJVBGFM3SFDXQZ

http://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Parent-Dies-Self/dp/0870294199/ref=sr_1_9?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1409929536&sr=1-9&keywords=elf+help+death

http://www.amazon.com/Grief-Therapy-Elf-Self-Help/dp/0870292676/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1409929536&sr=1-6&keywords=elf+help+death

 

[aug17girl]

Thanks for the all suggestions and books!   I'm open to secular or religious suggestions.

[Catwoman]

I don't think you should beat yourself up for remembering the negative things.

 

When a person dies, all of the bad things he did in his life don't suddenly disappear. They still happened, and the people left behind still have emotions relating to those things.

 

Please don't feel like there is a right or a wrong way to grieve. Sometimes, you just don't feel all that terrible when someone dies. And that's OK. As long as you didn't actually kill the person, I don't think you need to feel guilty about not grieving very much.

 

I think it's perfectly fine to feel sad when you think of the good times and upset or angry when you remember the bad times.

 

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time, but try to give yourself a break and realize that whatever you are feeling is probably exactly right for you at this time.

[mommymilkies]

A novel that helped me forgive and let go of a lot is The Woman Who Ran Into Doors by Roddy Doyle.  It mostly deals with alcohol/drug abuse, and abuse, so it may not be relevant to you, but it helped me.

[PrincessMommy]

I have a suspicion that some of your angst is that others ONLY remember the good things. I'm dealing with this with a relative. Her mom was perfection incarnate (not) and ONLY good things can be remembered. Of course, that was the way the mom brought the kids up. NO ONE was allowed to have a negative thought or get sick, etc (unless it was her). It's hard for folks to deal with the anger about the bad things if we aren't allowed to acknowledge them. I like the idea of the journal. 

 

I ran into a similar stuff after my mom died.  My sisters and I could grieve honestly.  I can't really be honest with my aunt and dad.  It also just didn't feel right to dredge up the ugliness with them anyway.  Like I'd be beating them when they were down or something.

 

It was helpful for me to acknowledge that what I was grieving  for was what will now never be.  I kind of knew, long ago, that my mom would never have the proverbial "come to Jesus" moment about her actions, but it didn't really hit home until after she died.  The finality of that was what made me sad about my mom's passing.  There's not really a lot of people you can explain that to, in my experience.   My friends and church people were giving the usual condolences and would ask me how I was doing - even months later.  It was jarring.. Especially when someone would first explained how hard it was dealing with their beloved mother's death and they understood. (???)  It felt awkward and heartless after that to say, "I don't really miss my mom."   KWIM?

 

Just remember, being honest about someone's actions is not unforgiving.

[PrincessMommy]

And you can be forgiving, but still remember things as they were. 

 

you said that way better.  Mine came out almost garbled. LOL