Melissa in Australia Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 I was 18 when I got married. and went into the marriage with my eyes wide open :coolgleamA: . I had a pretty clear idea on DH - he as very open with me about his past etc. We also together studied a family relationship book. I think the process of studying the family relationship book allowed invaluable discussion. I sometimes think that Dh found early marriage a bit trickier than me- as I married straight from living at home with my parents and Dh was in his early 30s and use to living an independent life. Also Dh's parents are the best example of how awful a marriage can be if 2 people act independently without consideration for the other. I have never come across such an ugly relationship. one lives on one story of the house and the other on the other story, they have seperat fridges and everything they meet regularly to have a big fight over some trivial think- they are in their 90s. Their life would be so much eiser if would only thry to get on better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 No one talked to us except our minister, who we did not honestly know well at all. He wasn't very helpful. My parents have had a long, but not very harmonious marriage, and his divorced when he was 12. But I think we have had a very good marriage and get along remarkably well. 22nd anniversary is this year. I do talk to my kids about this subject and more generally about relationships. Dh and I never had disagreements about little things. Fortunately, both of us learned early not to sweat the small stuff, and by extension, to keep our expectations low. And both of us are very careful to treat each other respectfully--meaning, we listen to each other and always, always, make listening a priority. It keeps big stuff from cropping up. I've told my kids many times that treating one's own family members at least as well as they'd treat a stranger on the street is a high priority. My parents did not always do this and even as a kid it broke my heart AND made me worry they'd divorce if they couldn't find a way to be nicer to each other. I also talk to them about general "healthy relationship" topics-like boundaries, jealousy, controlling, ownership of one's body and actions. But I also realize that a big part of a healthy marriage is simply being good-natured and believing that the other person is doing their best almost always. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 I had a lot of people in my life who gave me advice throughout my life on what kind of person to marry and what to look for. Things like how to find someone who is loyal, faithful, Godly, loving, genuine, etc..... It didn't all sink in. As a teen I still wanted someone cute, funny, well liked, and things that should be secondary traits. But I didn't get married until age 29, so I did grow up a bit in between my teen stage and my grown woman stage. We got a bit of pre-marital counseling, but honestly, that didn't really do much. We were already set on getting married at that point. But we were also more mature and ready for the commitment. My parents have been married 54 years and DH's parents were married 42 years before his dad's death. Our statics were in our favor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 We did premarital counseling and I would require it for my kids. We still laugh about stuff we talked about during our sessions - 17+ years ago. We also talk with our kids about relationships and biblical standards and expectations for marriage. ETA - My parents will celebrate 53 this year, and my DHs parents were married 35+ before his mom passed away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 No one talked with us other than to tell us we didn't know each other "enough" and were too young to get married. One couple I knew well told me I should probably never get married as I'm way too independent. There was only one other young couple (already married) who told us their experience and wished us well. Hubby and I had been dating for about 4 months before we got engaged, then another 3 months before the wedding. We knew each other for another year or two beyond that as we lived in the same dorm in college, but we didn't really hang around together in that time period. We did, however, go on a couple of trips (longer trips) and take tons of walks together in the months of dating. My parents got divorced (nasty divorce) when I was 11. His are still together, but it's not what I would call a happy marriage to be honest. The minister who married us (we didn't go to his church) merely talked about the formalities of the wedding. Yet, this year will mark 26 happy years together. Why? Simple. My hubby is a saint. ;) AND we were in a small group that studied Love Languages early in our marriage... we learned each other's love language (since ours are not the same) and are quite willing to keep each other feeling loved by changing little things we do. We also love many of the same things in life, share our faith pretty much to a T, and just enjoy spending time with each other - even 26 years later. We DO talk with our kids about traits they want to look for in potential spouses. We also make sure they see what our marriage is like. When we fight, we don't conceal it from them. When we say we're sorry we don't conceal that either. They know about females and monthly hormones. They know no one is perfect. They know TV/movie marriages only last 1/2 hour to 2 hours at a time. We like to think they've seen life. But even then, I wish them luck and I hope they have enough of their dad's genes to be the saint he is... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 No. My mom never talked to me about motherhood, either. Or college, even. I still don't understand why those things were not discussed. Generally speaking, my mom is perfectly "normal". No real dysfunction, no mental illness, she isn't mean or narcissistic or even just cold... Once I hit 18ish, she just didn't give any input. It was pretty lonely. My first year of marriage had some rough times. I called her once, crying. She pretty much just said I needed to figure it out. I don't call her with problems anymore. FWIW, I have divorced parents and dh's parents have a... complicated marriage. I like to face things head-on and he's an avoider. It's difficult for us to break out of the examples that were set for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Mousie Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 Thinking more about this thread, it occurs to me that a few things are more important to me to discuss with DS than the ins and outs of marriage. First: spend some time living (1) with roommates and (2) alone. Both experiences are, IMO, invaluable, including as a precursor to considering marriage (in general, not necessarily to a particular partner). Second: If he wants to have a child, I'd recommend waiting until he's been married at least three years before doing so. My situation with DH was nontraditional, so we didn't have that option, but I do think it's a good idea to enjoy each other and strengthen the relationship before adding the big ball o' wax of child-rearing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SwallowTail Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 Thinking more about this thread, it occurs to me that a few things are more important to me to discuss with DS than the ins and outs of marriage. First: spend some time living (1) with roommates and (2) alone. Both experiences are, IMO, invaluable, including as a precursor to considering marriage (in general, not necessarily to a particular partner). Second: If he wants to have a child, I'd recommend waiting until he's been married at least three years before doing so. My situation with DH was nontraditional, so we didn't have that option, but I do think it's a good idea to enjoy each other and strengthen the relationship before adding the big ball o' wax of child-rearing. Absolutely! I am so glad I lived on my own for years before settling down. I am also glad that dh and I lived together for 7 years before we got married in our 30's. I am glad we were together for years before we had a child. All that time together allowed us to really solidify our relationship and has enabled us to weather rocky years since then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erin Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 Premarital counseling here. It was a really good course. Additionally, we'd dated for three years before we got married, and waited three more before we had kids. And, we both came from parents who were still married and had weathered rough storms. Seventeen years later, mine are still married, but Trap's recently divorced. Of course there were valuable lessons for us in that as well... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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