Ravin Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 DD's issues and new diagnosis (fibromyalgia) have me thinking: How do you teach a child resilience? DD needs to learn to manage chronic pain, and learn to push through pain and keep moving, and to find a positive path through life without expecting all her problems be easily fixable. Mental and emotional resilience are crucial. Any veteran parents with advice on teaching this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 I used to teach my kids to push through pain–mental and physical. I modeled pushing through pain. I did such a good job, that my oldest is already being diagnosed with milder forms of somatic and conversion disorder issues. His neck muscles will lock up so tight he can't move his head, and the doctor says it's just stress. I just hope he doesn't progress to brain damage and organ failure like I have. We feel pain for a reason. It's a signal we need to slow down. If we learn to disregard the early signals, we often create bigger problems. It's really an American thing to keep pushing through pain. It's an American thing to measure ourselves so harshly by production, earnings, independence, and stoicism. Some people are a bit more fragile than others. I'm one of them. I can't do what others can do. I try not to feel ashamed of myself, but it's hard in our culture. Some days I am able to see myself in context of more lenient and inclusive world and historical measures, but some days I can't, and strongly question my right to exist on this planet as a burden to the more productive. You might not want to teach her to ignore her pain. You might want to change her environment to be less overwhelming, if you can. Successfully teaching a child resilience can be fatal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted March 28, 2014 Author Share Posted March 28, 2014 She has fibromyalgia. It involves overly-sensitive pain receptors, and it's crucial to keep moving, and active, or it can get worse. The rheumatologist said flat out it was important. Not learning positive coping techniques and letting pain sideline her could lead in the long run to a significant loss of mobility and quality of life. Looking to pharmacology to solve her pain issues could lead to dependence on drugs and even addiction. There is more to resilience than just ignoring pain. It's the ability to rebound quickly and respond appropriately in the face of stress, illness, and adversity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin'sMom Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 I have a child with cancer who is just finishing a year of chemotherapy. We provide extra-good nutrition, extra rest, and pain medication when needed. We are very matter-of-fact about medical issues, and we don't really tolerate any malingering (though it is hard to tell the difference sometimes). She is pretty resilient and good-humored most of the time. I think what we do that is really, really good for her is to focus on the medical issues as necessary, but we do not make them a focus, if you know what I mean. We have never let her illness become herself. I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's illness, and yours as well. Hugs and love to you both. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 Ravin, one thing that might help is showing her that if she is proactive and finds things that can distract her from the pain, even for just a few minutes, she may be able to cope, and she would be in a position to take control of the situation instead of the situation controlling her. After I had surgery for breast cancer, and the procedure was botched, then the procedure to fix the botched procedure was not done correctly, I ended up with chronic brutal pain every.single.breath. I took. It was agony and it lasted months. But I still had to parent two children, run a business, and take care of our household since DH was gone a LOT of the time out of town. I felt overwhelmed. Then I started realizing if I could just distract myself, feel productive or do something fun, even for a couple of minutes, that would be a couple of minutes I would not be focused on the pain. I started with 1 minute. Try to make it through one minute. What could I do for that minute to distract myself from the pain? Then 2 and 3 and eventually 30 minutes. Then I would give myself a checkmark on a chart. I made it. Now start the next set of minutes. I used this method with my daughter when she was experiencing bad headaches from her braces. I have been trying this with my son who is having a hard time with Vision Therapy (horrible headaches) for heterophoria. It doesn't always help. But sometimes it was the only thing that kept me going (and the kids, too). I wish I had more suggestions, though. :grouphug: Best wishes.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 I'm not sure how to teach resilience as a character trait, but could you teach her coping mechanisms and help her instill good habits? Maybe have her take pain management classes or learn to meditate? Go on a daily walk with her? Get a dog for walking? Maybe she can work with a therapist to develop guided imagery? Yoga could be a good form of movement if she's not into walking. Maybe if she has some tools in her pain management toolbox she can turn to them will help. And if you invest time (and money?) into these methods she will perceive these non-drug methods as important. She's young enough that you can instill these habits in her and she can hopefully see the benefits. Ignore me if I'm way off base. My good friend has fibromyalgia and used these techniques, including getting a dog. (If you do get one, don't get a jumper!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 The Healing Power of Humor is an AWESOME book, and VERY applicable in IMMEDIATE ways to an adult, but might need a little tweaking for a child. http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Power-Humor-Allen-Klein/dp/0874775191 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JanetC Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 Resilience is not just about being "tough" -- it's believing that you are capable of taking care of yourself and not panicking or waiting for rescue when things go wrong. And it's hard not to rescue when kids have diagnoses! We want to "fix" them and make them better, but to a certain degree we as parents have to back off of that and make sure that we put as much responsibility on the child as we can, for medical as well as chores and whatever responsibilities they can handle. I think some kids are more naturally self-directed and therefore resilient. I have a team photo of my DD in 1st grade soccer. The team provided T-shirts, but the kids had to provide their own shorts. All the other girls in the photo are in black soccer shorts. Mine is in a green floral skort. She played soccer all year in skorts. One of the other kids told her she was supposed to wear the black shorts, and she just said, "Well, I like this better." End of story! It's not like I was trying to "teach" her to march to her own drummer. In fact, her drumming wore me out so much I didn't have the energy to fight about silly things like soccer shorts. Still, I'm betting this kid's gonna be quite the resilient adult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sewingmama Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 I would teach her to prioritise...what are the things she needs to get done and what things she can give up. I have chronic pain...I save my energy for the most important things...looking after my kids...doing the necessary housework...etc etc. I don't take on extra tasks if they are not that important...I use that time to conserve my energy and rest instead. I know when enough is enough and pushing through will just make me an invalid for the next couple of days. Over time ...if you dont't overdo it..you do build up more energy and are able to do more things. Right now I am out weeding the garden with a terribly sore shoulder. I weed for 20 mins then come inside and do a light house duty or sit down for 10 mins. I can't just push through the pain or I won't be able to use my arm at all for the next three days. Do encourage your child to do as much as they can while taking breaks as needed and being sympathetic. It is true if you just sit around nursing the pain that you just get worse and worse but you don't want to overdo it either because that adds more troubles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted March 28, 2014 Author Share Posted March 28, 2014 Our big issue right now is that when engaged in activities imposed from outside and enforced by me, such as band practice, doing math or reading, or a chore, she will let every little pain distract her and complain to me, seeking attention. My efforts to acknowledge what she feels, but get her back on task are met with a sullen attitude or even tantrums. Yet for gymnastics or playing with friends or other self-directed tasks, she is quite capable of setting aside her discomforts unless it's really bad. This is the only way I can measure how bad it is, really, is the impact on things she really wants to do. We're working on the balance of pressing forward vs. taking it easy as needed, and letting her be more self directed so long as a certain minimum of work gets done, as well as showering her with positive attention to minimize the negative. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incognito Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 This is a very good book about resilience. Raising Resilient Children Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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