Did I make the wrong choice? long

[swellmomma]

We are entering our 3rd year homeschooling my kids. I pulled my older ones out 3 years ago because they were failing miserably in ps and it was affecting them very negatively. However, I have found out in the last couple weeks from our shrink, that by me chosing to homeschool I pretty much shut the door on any of the extensive help out there for special needs school aged kids. All programs in my city state the child needs to be coded in the school system to even qualify for a referral, they want certain testing that only the schools do etc. The one thing that kept me going strong with homeschooling even when things got more than tough, with 3 out of 4 kids having "issues" was that I was making the right choice to have them home, that I was giving them the best opportunity at a future. But after hearing that I have made sure my kids do not qualify for any of the programs that could help them (or course they may not help but the potential is there) because I chose to homeschool I am second guessing my decision. I am so torn now and feeling like no matter what I am going to be making a big mistake and screwing up my children's lives forever. I can't talk to my mom about it because she has been telling me for 3 years I am making a big mistake. My kids have come SO far since we started homeschooling but have a long way to go and I feel like I am failing them as a mother by making the wrong choice. I feel like if I put them back in school, I am sacrificing their education to access these other programs that could help them overcome many of these other problems associated with their disorders, but if I keep homeschooling them I am sacrificing the chance of them overcoming these disorders in order to give them the best education they can have.

[flyingmommy]

I can really "hear" the pain that you are in. It sounds like your children have made more progress since homeschooling than they were making in public school where all those programs that could "help" them are located. Often, you can have your child tested through the evaluation centers that the school board runs. You might check with your pediatrician as well for referrals to have testing done.

 

I have a friend with a very difficult child. The little girl is a joy, really, but she is the epitome of ADHD. In fact, I almost never really believed in ADHD until I met this child. There are lots of intervention programs available at the school that could help her. Unfortunately, they won't help her unless she is TWO grade levels behind in every subject. They have let this child down left and right regarding testing and help through the school. Testing was ordered and never got done. Then, nobody realized till the next school year that the testing was never done. Then her parents have been blocked at every turn trying to get the school to do something for this child. The only reason that she passed second grade last year is because her teacher took it upon herself to give this child the special attention she would have been getting if the school had authorized it. The teacher was actually in danger of losing her job if she was found out. She just cared so much about this child that she risked it and it paid off. At the end of the year, the principal basically told her that she wasted her time, none of the extra help she gave the child made any difference, that her "test scores" showed she could do the work, therefore the teacher should have made her do the work.

 

This child has actually suffered undue stress and hardship because of being in the public school system and her parents trying to get her help from all those "wonderful programs" your shrink is beating you up about. Just because these things are available through the schools does not mean your children would benefit from them, or even have access to them. The red tape is ridiculous! Meanwhile, they are at home with a mother who loves them and cares far more for them than any school board could possibly care. Focus on what they have achieved, explore your options, and remember why you chose homeschooling in the first place. It honestly sounds to me like they are better off with you.

 

Just my opinion.

 

J

[hsmamainva]

I can only offer my experience here!

 

My youngest has autism. She attended a special education preschool for two years, and it was wonderful!! She had an awesome teacher and a very good speech therapist.

 

Kindergarten was awful!!! It was at a different school (the special education preschool was in a self-contained building...Kindergarten was at our local elementary school).

 

My daughter was supposed to have a one-on-one aide to help her with her day. It took them a month and a half to find an aide, then the aide was reassigned after 3 months. It took them another month and a half to find another aide. Then that aide discovered that the special education teacher was locking my daughter in the bathroom for 30 minutes, every day, during the aide's lunch break!

 

The 'therapy' that the school offers is not the same thing as private therapy either. OT, for instance, only has to make them capable of doing school work. They might work on cutting with scissors, or proper pencil grip ... my daughter's IEP entitled her to 30 minutes a month of this. When my daughter did private OT, she was receiving an hour a week, and they worked on all of her sensory issues ... they were swinging and brushing and doing all sorts of things and it helped my daughter tremendously!! (Granted, it cost us $75 an hour, and it wasn't covered by our insurance. We did it for about 6 months and then stopped because we couldn't afford it any longer .. but it was worth every penny for those 6 months because it really helped her!)

 

The speech therapy we received with the school system was fairly comparable to what we received when we did private therapy. And my daughter is supposed to receive speech therapy at the local elementary school, even though we're homeschooling. So I called today to ask about it and I was told to call back during the first week of school, as the speech therapist that my daughter had last year quit and they haven't hired a new one yet. Supposedly, I'll be able to take my daughter to the local elementary school for 3 30-minute speech sessions during the school week, but we'll see if it happens!!

 

Two years ago, my daughter was supposed to receive speech therapy over the summer with a private speech therapist. The school provided the therapy for two weeks and then terminated it, claiming they couldn't afford it. The only way to fight it would be to hire a lawyer and sue them and we can't afford that either! (The special education lawyer we contacted wanted $300 an hour, up front)

 

The IEP red-tape is unbelievable ... they offer you a lot, but they don't provide it. When they don't provide it, your only option is to sue them to make them provide it and that can cost a fortune. (A good friend of mine is in the middle of suing the school system here and her legal bill is over $20,000 already -- and she just started fighting in May)

 

So, for now, I'm doing some OT on my own with my daughter (you can read the Out of Sync Child books to get some great ideas on how to do this!!) and hoping the school system will start providing some form of speech therapy next month!

[The Governess]

I don't have the experience to offer you any advice but wanted to offer a thought that came to my head when I read your post: Do you have a public school ISP in your city/county? If you enrolled in one would they count it as regular public school enrollment and give you access to the programs? I'm not sure if that's an option for you or not but thought it might be a way to be able to continue to homeschool and still utilize those resources.

 

:grouphug: to you, it is such a big choice you are making and doesn't seem fair that you even have to choose.

[Ottakee]

Depending on where you are located, you could have the schools TEST your child (in many states it is the law, they must) and then you would have the testing and coding you need to access other services. Contact your state homeschool group for more information.

 

I will say, there are EXCELLENT public school programs out there and then there are TERRIBLE ones. SO much depends on the teacher, the aides, the mix of students, etc. You can have a great room for autistic kids and a terrible one for mentally impaired kids--even in the same school.

 

What types of special needs are you dealing with? We might be able to give you some more advice particular to your situation.

 

One thing I DO suggest though with special needs kids is to get testing done every few years. This provides a valuable "paper trail" for the future--if they need extra help for college or pre-college tests, disability, medicaid, etc. My own 20ds was approved for SSI disability in DAYS because I had a long paper trail of testing on him.

[swellmomma]

thanks everyone. We did have the testing done when they were in ps a few years ago but like Ottakee said we ned to do it every few years, and because of where we are as far as needing treatment for then those few years are up. DS #1 had severe ADHD, ODD, anxiety disorder, sensory issues and possible attachement issues/disorder ; DD has ADHD and conduct disorder, Ds #2 has speech delay, fine motor delays and possible SPD for him this is not an issue due to age, his testing is done through the local health unit because he is still preschool aged. The older 2 however is a different ball of wax. We are in Canada, so health care is different than in the states. In order to access the "free" health care we have to go through certain channels. None of the therapies are done in the ps system, they simply need the coding and testing the school system gives then move on to these therapies kwim. For DD the shrink wants her in an intensive behaviour modification class held out of a psychiatric facility, she would do school in the am and therapy/behaviour modification etc in the afternoon, she would be enrolled for a minimum of 4 months, but in order to qualify she has to be a ps student so they can simply transfer files/funding to cover the cost of her attending. DS the shrink wants him to go through the neurodevelopmental clinic run through the hospital this would provide him with OT, PT, therapy, further testing like MRI(which he had at 3yrs), EEGs etc and other medical testing that is hard to access, to determine biological sources of his disorders. SO again it is not run out of a school but in order to qualify to even be referred to it he needs to be tested and coded by the school system. I do have him on a wait list for a private OT, I was told her list is 2 years long. She is the only private pediatric OT in my city, and I live in a major city. SO while I can't really afford private therapies/testing as a single mom, I am tracking down what I can do for them, turns out our university will test them for $50 each because it is 3rd and 4th year psych students who do the testing, however I have to be put on the wait list for that, so I am calling today and letting them know it is urgent, maybe they will bump us up the list.

 

I hate this though, my oldest son already gets disability funding from the gov't, and has for a couple years, which I have to apply to his therapies etc, but with 3 of them needing help and only 1 so far who has been deemed severe enough to qualify for disability funding it is hard. I shouldn't have to chose between and education or not o get therapy/testing for them, nor should I have to chose between food on the table and therapies/testing.

 

I don't mean to sound whining in the first post or in this one. I just want what is best for my kids and feel like there has been nothing but road blocks preventing that their entire lives.

[Mom0012]

It sounds to me like you made a good choice and that your children are progressing because of the work you have done with them. I wouldn't get too remorseful about missing out on school programs. My son took speech therapy through the school and after 2 years, I dropped it because it was worthless. I've watched my nephew participate in the school system's special needs preschool and I can't say it did much for him. He did learn a lot of negative behaviors though, like spitting and hitting and cursing. Of course, I'm sure it varies depending on the school, but we are in a very good district here.

 

My stepdaughter has severe ld's and the only thing they do for her in school is accommodate, which means they just lower the bar so that she can pass. She recently took the SATs and scored in the 1%. That is what the school system has done for her.

 

I don't usually rant on about public schools, but I can see that you are really struggling with this and I want to reassure you that if your children are making progress at home, you did not make a mistake.

 

What types of issues are you dealing with? You could post about them on the special needs board. There are many things that can be done at home or privately to help children with lds.

 

Lisa

[sandellie4]

I live in a state in the US that doesn't provide any services for homeschooled children, and I've had, on and off, many of the same concerns that you have expressed. I still regret at times that I can't just pop my kids in school; everyone else goes and, for the most part, they look just fine, at least from the outside. At school, my kids would have access to whatever the school offered, and when my two oldest were in ps, I fought for those services and won some of them. The trouble was that *everything* involved a lot of meetings, and I had to fight and argue for everything. My kids were a *job* that consumed me, and at times it felt like I didn't like to even be with them (though neither of them has behavioral issues worth noting). Some years we managed to get a really great IEP and a teacher who delivered on most of the promises. But other years, a teacher would be resistant, would refuse to read the IEP (because she wanted to "get to know" my child herself; a nice theory, except that going in blind when you have 30 other kids in class, well, it has caused my children to lose a year in math or L.A., whatever). We did appreciate the services sometimes, but when they were awful, we were helpless to do much about it. One year the OT person was in the middle of a divorce, didn't want to do anything besides get through the day. Another year, the speech person was pregnant and would just not show up. When I called to say we really needed the speech, I was told that other teachers weren't releasing speech kids because they were preparing for state testing, or learning some crucial skill. It was just bad planning and the services weren't consistent.

 

I had my worries and, as I said, I still do sometimes. Right now I'm worried about the job-skills training classes my older ones won't have access to. Do I put them back in school so they can access it? Or is the program for kids with mostly behavioral issues? Or am I kidding myself thinking that academics is important for special needs kids? Would it be better just to get them on the job track now so they're ahead of the public school's special needs kids? I just don't have an answer for myself, or for anyone else. I will have to be brave to keep them in homeschool through their last two years of high school.

 

To end on an "up" note, I do think that homeschooling has *overall* been a good option for us. Yes, there are services they don't get. We just can't afford them. But we have managed to find some providers who have been open to giving us substantial discounts (often because our kids are "easier" and more willing to work than many of the kids the providers see). It took years to get the autism-related services we needed, and we never did get the ABA I really wanted, but none of my kids have given up on themselves, and as kids get older, that's more and more of a risk for many special needs kids in public schools (in the schools where their needs aren't met, which isn't all of the schools, of course). It has been such a relief to me to be able to say, "Hey, this curriculum's not working. I want to try something else" -- without having to argue or convince anyone else. Sometimes I'm wrong, but then I make adjustments if I need to. The kids seem none the worse for wear, and all of them, down to the last one, feels that they can learn and that they want to learn.

 

You're not imagining things. It is tough and you may be giving up services that would help you. You may end up trying both homeschool and public school (we did that with one of ours until she hit middle school and everything went haywire, what with so many teachers to deal with, etc.). I try to think about the "big picture," which is hard to do when you're talking to people who know all about school services but very little about homeschooling.

 

I don't know if I've been much help, but I hope it helps a little to know that you're not alone.

 

Sandy

[Laurie4b]

That sounds difficult. I am hoping that the US doesn't end up with the same kind of system with current calls for universal health care.

 

One thing you might consider (I would definitely consider this in the US) is to consult an attorney about what your rights are in this situation. You don't always get the straight story from providers.

 

Can you enroll them long enough to access the testing and then pull them out?

 

 

How are you doing with handling ODD and Conduct Disorder as a single parent? Those are hard for anyone, but not having a partner to hand off to when you've "had it up to here" would be especially difficult.

 

I would consider doing a temporary stint in public school if you think the mental health services that are offered would actually help your children. Don't be fooled; a lot of them do not help, or the kid improves while in a super-structured environment that parents cannot duplicate at home and then things go back to baseline when they return home. (I used to work in one of these environments) I would ask to see their rates of success *a year after kids leave the program*. If those rates are good, then I would consider enrolling them. If they are not, then I wouldn't think twice about it.

 

I'm sorry that the "system" is working against you.

[swellmomma]

I live in a state in the US that doesn't provide any services for homeschooled children, and I've had, on and off, many of the same concerns that you have expressed. I still regret at times that I can't just pop my kids in school; everyone else goes and, for the most part, they look just fine, at least from the outside. At school, my kids would have access to whatever the school offered, and when my two oldest were in ps, I fought for those services and won some of them. The trouble was that *everything* involved a lot of meetings, and I had to fight and argue for everything. My kids were a *job* that consumed me, and at times it felt like I didn't like to even be with them (though neither of them has behavioral issues worth noting). Some years we managed to get a really great IEP and a teacher who delivered on most of the promises. But other years, a teacher would be resistant, would refuse to read the IEP (because she wanted to "get to know" my child herself; a nice theory, except that going in blind when you have 30 other kids in class, well, it has caused my children to lose a year in math or L.A., whatever). We did appreciate the services sometimes, but when they were awful, we were helpless to do much about it. One year the OT person was in the middle of a divorce, didn't want to do anything besides get through the day. Another year, the speech person was pregnant and would just not show up. When I called to say we really needed the speech, I was told that other teachers weren't releasing speech kids because they were preparing for state testing, or learning some crucial skill. It was just bad planning and the services weren't consistent.

 

I had my worries and, as I said, I still do sometimes. Right now I'm worried about the job-skills training classes my older ones won't have access to. Do I put them back in school so they can access it? Or is the program for kids with mostly behavioral issues? Or am I kidding myself thinking that academics is important for special needs kids? Would it be better just to get them on the job track now so they're ahead of the public school's special needs kids? I just don't have an answer for myself, or for anyone else. I will have to be brave to keep them in homeschool through their last two years of high school.

 

To end on an "up" note, I do think that homeschooling has *overall* been a good option for us. Yes, there are services they don't get. We just can't afford them. But we have managed to find some providers who have been open to giving us substantial discounts (often because our kids are "easier" and more willing to work than many of the kids the providers see). It took years to get the autism-related services we needed, and we never did get the ABA I really wanted, but none of my kids have given up on themselves, and as kids get older, that's more and more of a risk for many special needs kids in public schools (in the schools where their needs aren't met, which isn't all of the schools, of course). It has been such a relief to me to be able to say, "Hey, this curriculum's not working. I want to try something else" -- without having to argue or convince anyone else. Sometimes I'm wrong, but then I make adjustments if I need to. The kids seem none the worse for wear, and all of them, down to the last one, feels that they can learn and that they want to learn.

 

You're not imagining things. It is tough and you may be giving up services that would help you. You may end up trying both homeschool and public school (we did that with one of ours until she hit middle school and everything went haywire, what with so many teachers to deal with, etc.). I try to think about the "big picture," which is hard to do when you're talking to people who know all about school services but very little about homeschooling.

 

I don't know if I've been much help, but I hope it helps a little to know that you're not alone.

 

Sandy

 

Thank you, this was helpful. I am glad to know that I am not the only one facing this struggle. It gives me more to think on. I know what "level" I want my kids functioning at in the big picture, they have dreams of their careers in the future and I want to make sure I am giving them all the tools they need to make those dreams come true, both academically and mentally. Ds wants to be in the armed forces, the infintry specifically. Enough so that he has decided to join Navy league this year until he is old enough for army cadets. DD wants to be a livestock vet, which means she has to be academically ready for university. I don't want them to be restricted from a great future because I made the wrong choice in schooling which affects the therapies and what not they can access now.

[swellmomma]

That sounds difficult. I am hoping that the US doesn't end up with the same kind of system with current calls for universal health care.

 

One thing you might consider (I would definitely consider this in the US) is to consult an attorney about what your rights are in this situation. You don't always get the straight story from providers.

 

Can you enroll them long enough to access the testing and then pull them out?

 

 

How are you doing with handling ODD and Conduct Disorder as a single parent? Those are hard for anyone, but not having a partner to hand off to when you've "had it up to here" would be especially difficult.

 

I would consider doing a temporary stint in public school if you think the mental health services that are offered would actually help your children. Don't be fooled; a lot of them do not help, or the kid improves while in a super-structured environment that parents cannot duplicate at home and then things go back to baseline when they return home. (I used to work in one of these environments) I would ask to see their rates of success *a year after kids leave the program*. If those rates are good, then I would consider enrolling them. If they are not, then I wouldn't think twice about it.

 

I'm sorry that the "system" is working against you.

 

man baby just deleted my long response, probably for the best. I have for the most part been doing okay now that I am home f/t with them. THe stress of the daily phone calls from school about my 6 yr olds detentions and suspensions, or my 7yr old getting into another fight , or being over heard talking about suicide. I missed so much work due to having to drop everything to get to the school for a daily conference due to the behaviour of one or both of them. When I have reached my limit I tend to have a meltdown of my own that results in me calling my mom and telling her I am leaving the kids with her for the night. SHe knows not to question it and just take them so I can get my wits about me again. I spend most of that time feeling guilty that my kids don't have the patient mom they should and wondering if giving them up or sending them to school would be what they need. My mom thinks if I just spank them more it would "cure" them of these behaviours, she doesn't understand ODD or CD, but that just doesn't work.

 

The ped has told me about my dd is she is going to fight about school work at home and at school why not send her to school just to have a break from her. I am too stubborn for that, I refuse to toss them away, I want what is best for them, which is what is making it so tough. I firmly believed pulling them out and hsing was the best decision I have ever made regarding them but now I am not sure. GRRRRR! some times I wish I could be like their dad and just turn off the fact I have kids, wouldn't that be so much easier. (He has only seen them 5-6 times in the last 7+ years). ~~I don't actually wish they weren't around, I just know this isn't what I had in mind when I signed up to be a parent. I had the naive thought that things would be way easier than this, heck somedays I think wrestling with a rattlesnake would be easier than this.

 

Okay this is starting to sound like a pity post which I don't like, don't intend, but it sure feels good to purge some of that.

[swellmomma]

I tried to rep everyone who replied and gave me thoughts/advice etc but ran out of reps for today, so if I didn't get you, I will tomorrow. Thank you to everyone for putting up with my whining and helping me see other options

[Laurie4b]

Totally understandable. We had a foster son who was very defiant and it was just him, dh, and me (no other kids). It was all we could do to manage. We were desperate for respite at times. I'm glad that you have your mother to take them when you've had it.

 

Sorry that the system seems to be stacked against your getting the both of both worlds--homeschooling and whatever the mental health system could offer.

 

The one thing I would say to consider is not making things too black and white (not saying you are doing this, but it can happen) about the choices. There could be a mixture of black and white, or some grey. It might be helpful for them to temporarily get services. If it is, that's not a failure on your part and it doesn't mean that homeschooling is not the best choice in the long run even if here and there, they go to public school.

 

As I said previously, however, not all mental health interventions help once the child returns home. You've really got to evaluate each opportunity carefully.

[dtsmamtj]

Well I didn't see either of these options mentioned, but this is where I have found help outside of the public school system: private/public colleges that have a masters program allowing an intern student volunteer or substantially reduced fee for services; or getting the word out through friends, family other home schoolers that might know someone - we are currently using a retired special education teacher on a consultation basis only, not to mention other moms who have children with various learning disabilities that are independent research junkies like myself. Since you are in Canada and your healthcare is different I am not sure if a hospital that has its own neurodevelopmental center would work for you. We are getting 2x a month speech via ours approved by our insurance with no contact necessary with the PS. The only reason this is helped out by our insurance is because it is connected to the hospital and not a private practice.

 

My sad story of our system is that I have a friend whose sister was a special ed teacher and they informed her that her goal wasn't to improve the children but to keep them dependent on special ed because the school system gets a substantial amount of money.

 

T

[Mere2]

Can you do a mixture of both? enrol them for school, access the services quickly (if possible), obtain the services then afterwards continue homeschooling?

 

I'm always trying to find the perfect solution. Sometimes I just have to realise that there isn't a perfect solution and just doing my best is ok as a Mum. Take a breather, reward yourself for being such a wonderful Mum to your children. Never second guess your decisions, you have always made them with love and with the best of intentions. If you need them to go back to school and get the help, then so be it - a missed year of hs is hard but it wont ruin their life. If it ends up that the services aren't that great anyway, then so be it - keep them at home and continue hs.

:grouphug:

 

Fi