Finding balance

[*Lulu*]

Just wondering if any of you would be willing to share how you make decisions about balancing your personal well being with the well being of your children?

 

I have a decision to make that could, in the short term, be putting myself before them and I am really struggling with it.

[MeghanL]

That's a tough one. 

 

My son wants to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind except he is a restless sleeper and punches me in the face 20 times a night which wakes me up (and hurts!). As a result, he can't sleep in my bed. My well-being (ie getting sleep) comes before his (ie feeling safe with me) because my needs must be met before I can care for him. For other people, this would be horrible and they would never even consider allowing themselves sleep at the expense of their child's discomfort. So, that line is going to be different for every person. 

 

 

[idnib]

Try looking at the long-term picture. What will be the probable outcomes/consequences of this 5 years from now? 

[NorthwestMom]

You are a person of value, just as much as each member of your family.  If you could consider allocating a similar amount of time or money for one of your children's activities or desires, then it's fair to consider it for yourself.  A mother is not supposed to be a self-sacrificing martyr ALL the time, just intermittently on an as-needed basis.  :laugh:

 

Your kids are out of the baby and toddler stage. You can have a life too.

[Garga]

I can't answer that question without specifics.

[Catwoman]

Lu, you are such a sensible person, so I can't imagine that you would make the wrong choice in this situation, or that you would ever be totally selfish, so without knowing the specifics, my instinct is to say that you would be just fine to put yourself first for a change. You said it was a short term thing, and I know you wouldn't leave your kids to fend for themselves, so whatever it is that you want to do, I'm going to say you should GO FOR IT!!! :thumbup:

 

(And have fun and don't feel guilty!!!!)

[*Lulu*]

Try looking at the long-term picture. What will be the probable outcomes/consequences of this 5 years from now?

5 years from now I would be either as good a mother as I am now or a better one.

 

In the immediate future I may be a slightly less good mother. (If I decide for instead of against in my decision making.)

 

My oldest is an Aspie and my youngest is definitely on the spectrum, but we have not finished the diagnostic process. Most days just dealing with their needs and trying not to let DD's needs get overlooked leaves me drained.

 

If I do this thing I am contemplating it will require a certain amount of emotional energy from me, meaning less to give to the kids. Knowing how hard things already are, and that it might mean less productive school for a few weeks/months, is it fair to even consider it?

[*Lulu*]

Lu, you are such a sensible person, so I can't imagine that you would make the wrong choice in this situation, or that you would ever be totally selfish, so without knowing the specifics, my instinct is to say that you would be just fine to put yourself first for a change. You said it was a short term thing, and I know you wouldn't leave your kids to fend for themselves, so whatever it is that you want to do, I'm going to say you should GO FOR IT!!! :thumbup:

 

(And have fun and don't feel guilty!!!!)

You are very kind.

 

It wouldn't be exactly fun, though. There is a long term health issue (20 years) that I have an opportunity to pursue treatment for. It may or may not be of long term value, but it will not make things worse. Well, it might make home life worse in the short term......Momma's only got so much energy to go around, hence my hesitation.

[Catwoman]

Now that you've mentioned that it's for a health issue, I definitely think you should go for it.

 

It's not selfish if it's not fun. ;)

 

And if the treatment works, you will be able to be an even better mom, because you'll feel better. If you don't do it, you'll probably always kind of wish you had tried it.

 

:grouphug:

[Snow]

You are very kind.

 

It wouldn't be exactly fun, though. There is a long term health issue (20 years) that I have an opportunity to pursue treatment for. It may or may not be of long term value, but it will not make things worse. Well, it might make home life worse in the short term......Momma's only got so much energy to go around, hence my hesitation.

In this case, I would definetly do it. Sometimes the kids rise to the challenge when they realize mom is not available.

[texasmama]

I am not good at putting my needs before my family's needs.  However, I periodically force myself to do things which take time, energy, money, and/or resources and devote them to myself even though others in the family (dh, kids) might not prefer it. 

 

Currently, this means that I am getting acupuncture.  This sounds small, but it is not a small feat for me to do this 2-3 times a week.  I have to put my own health to the front of the line. 

 

If I wanted to, say, pursue an educational path that took me away from the kids for several years but yielded a great reward at the end, I would seriously consider doing that.  (I have all the education I really want/need so that is a moot point, just an example.)

 

Yes, I think moms struggle with this.  Yes, I think it is okay to do it if the benefits are clear, even if the benefits are only to you personally.  I think that is a good message to send your kids. 

[Joyofsixreboot]

Mom's are real, live actual people with needs. Would you pursue the therapy if it was your kids? Do what you can to make it easier-freeze some meals, line up some movies for when you are wiped out, enlist friends and family or heck hire some help on a short term basis. Do what you can to make it easier but take care of yourself ( my children are proof you can be "ok" with a grouchy mom and too much frozen pizza).

[SunnyDays]

I'm realizing that while moms make sure everyone else in the family is healthy and receives great care, most moms don't have anyone to do the same for them. So we need to do it for ourselves. You said this has the potential to solve a health problem you've been facing for years. This is a situation where you NEED to put yourself on the priority list. :grouphug:

[*Lulu*]

Mom's are real, live actual people with needs. Would you pursue the therapy if it was your kids? Do what you can to make it easier-freeze some meals, line up some movies for when you are wiped out, enlist friends and family or heck hire some help on a short term basis. Do what you can to make it easier but take care of yourself ( my children are proof you can be "ok" with a grouchy mom and too much frozen pizza).

  

 

You know, I absolutely would.

I'm realizing that while moms make sure everyone else in the family is healthy and receives great care, most moms don't have anyone to do the same for them. So we need to do it for ourselves. You said this has the potential to solve a health problem you've been facing for years. This is a situation where you NEED to put yourself on the priority list. :grouphug:

I think the fact that the long term effects of the treatment are uncertain is part of my dilemma. The short term results should be positive, (outside of the home life disruption), but in the end I may be right back where I am now, having caused upheaval in our family and school routines, (BIG deal with our Aspie), with it all having been for naught.

 

I think there is truth in what all of you are saying about allowing myself to be a priority. In fact, I am confident I would advise someone asking me about this same choice to seek the treatment.

 

So why do I feel so guilty about it? *sigh*

[texasmama]

You feel guilty for the same reason that I feel guilty/hesitant to go to the eye doctor and pay out of pocket when that money could be used for many other things.  However, I don't see well.  It is time.  I draw the line at not being able to see well.

 

It might be time for you, too.  If you wait until it feels like the ideal time, the time may have passed.  (I don't know what this treatment is so it may be just as legitimate to put it off, but will things really be a great deal different in your life in a few years?  It doesn't sound like it.)

 

 

[texasmama]

(BTW, I am rockin' on with my bad self going to acupuncture AND the eye doctor all in one week.  Me first, baby!  It is time.)

 

[Dandelion]

The "oxygen mask analogy" can be helpful when you're trying to make decisions like this.  When you fly on an airplane, the safety regulations always state that, in the event of an emergency, adults should put on their own oxygen mask first before doing the same for any children traveling with them.  The reason being that you won't be of much use to your children if you run out of oxygen while trying to help them.

 

Take care of yourself and your health.  Even if the treatment ultimately doesn't improve your health, I think there's value in the act of acknowledging and prioritizing your needs.  Personally, I don't see it as an "either/or" proposition.  Look at the big picture and what your family as a whole needs in order to function at its best.  Your needs factor into that equation just as much as the needs of every other member of your family.  :grouphug:

[idnib]

5 years from now I would be either as good a mother as I am now or a better one.

 

In the immediate future I may be a slightly less good mother. (If I decide for instead of against in my decision making.)

 

My oldest is an Aspie and my youngest is definitely on the spectrum, but we have not finished the diagnostic process. Most days just dealing with their needs and trying not to let DD's needs get overlooked leaves me drained.

 

If I do this thing I am contemplating it will require a certain amount of emotional energy from me, meaning less to give to the kids. Knowing how hard things already are, and that it might mean less productive school for a few weeks/months, is it fair to even consider it?

 

Yes it's fair not just to consider it, but to do it.

 

You're a people too!