What makes a strict parent

[HRAAB]

I've never considered us 'strict'.  Mostly because we don't spank or use punishments.  Also, we've never had a list of rules with don'ts and dos.

 

However, my dh and I have high expectations for the children's behavior, especially in public, according to the age and development.  When I had babies and toddlers I kept my shopping trips short because they couldn't handle too much in one day.  I never allowed my children to get away from me (held hands or had them in a cart).  I didn't let them pull stuff off shelves.  When we visited friends, they weren't allowed to run wild, but then they're not allowed to run wild at home.  Their behavior would be redirected or they were removed from the area and there would be a verbal correction.  If they were older and they had acted up, I would leave them at home if possible - natural consequence for acting badly in public.  Basically, I never wanted anyone pointing a finger at me and talking about my ill behaved kids.

 

Now when I think about it, I'm wondering if I am a strict parent due to expectations.  Maybe the level of strictness isn't dependent upon punishments and tons of rules.

 

Also, I'll admit my kids have never given me a lot of trouble in this regard.  They certainly had their moments, and I tried to keep public appearances in line with what they were capable of handling, but overall, they behave.

 

I guess I don't equate not being strict with letting children run wild.  So what does 'strict parenting' really mean? 

[go_go_gadget]

When I consider parents I thought of as being ''strict'' when I was young, it was always do with severity of punishments and the degree to which they considered their word to be unquestionable. I'm specifically referring to calm, respectful dialogue, not fit-throwing. ''Strict'' parents were the ones we afraid of, and parents we weren't afraid of were ''not strict''. In fact, I think that for me, fear was the deciding factor when determining a parent's strictness.

 

Mind you, it's very possible that my kids' friends, who (like mine and yours) are parented without spanking and without an emphasis on punishments, may well consider us ''strict'' because we do have higher expectations than the ones to which they're held, as you said. These kids aren't accustomed to fearing parents, so they may have a different idea of what ''strict'' means than my friends and I did. 

[WishboneDawn]

There's a TV show called "World's Strictest Parents" where they take troubled teens and put them in families with strict discipline for a week. It was revealing and has changed my parenting.

 

The strict families were not yellers are excessive punishers. They had clear and high expectations and when the kids acted up, there were consequences, usually involving work. Refuse to do a chore or swear at a parent? The kid might go dig holes for fenceposts for half an hour while a parent calmly watches and encourages them. Refuse to dig the holes? They stand out there with the parent calmly staying with them until they decide to dig the holes. Then apologies are expected, hugs are given and they might go have a good talk. Seeing those strict parents be calm and loving as they dished out the consequences was a big deal for me and it's now a part of my parenting.

 

Strict, for me, now means having an even temper and consistent approach to discipline. It doesn't mean punishment or lectures.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I consider myself a strict parent but I am not authoritarian.  I have standards - probably high ones but they seem "normal" to me as in they don't seem to be developmentally inappropriate.  I am consistent more than anything.  

[swellmomma]

I consider myself a strict parent.  I have high expectations, there are set boundaries/rules, and there are consequences for misbehaviour, generally natural ones, but also things like time outs when younger/grounding now, restitution, written apologies, physical work etc.  Level of strictness does not have much to do with physical punishments etc.  It is about holding the kids to a certain standard and dealing with the issue if they don't.  It's not pie in teh sky expectations either, but I have a curfew, set meal times, they have to let me know who they are with and where they will be and check in often, other expectations of proper behaviour etc.  Tough love is a part of this too imo, for example, when ds broke the law I handed him into the police myself, he got lucky and charges weren't brought against him, and he spent the next 3 years working to earn the money to repair the damages he caused, I didn't let it go after 3 years, I did not pay for it myself, I did not let him off the hook and claim it was poor judgement etc.  I was viewed as a very mean parent for doing that, but it was important imo.  I do not have to get overly punitive in parenting them, I don't have to micromanage or rule with an iron fist, but I don't excuse bs as just being kids either.

[Luanne]

I've never considered us 'strict'.  Mostly because we don't spank or use punishments.  Also, we've never had a list of rules with don'ts and dos.

 

However, my dh and I have high expectations for the children's behavior, especially in public, according to the age and development.  When I had babies and toddlers I kept my shopping trips short because they couldn't handle too much in one day.  I never allowed my children to get away from me (held hands or had them in a cart).  I didn't let them pull stuff off shelves.  When we visited friends, they weren't allowed to run wild, but then they're not allowed to run wild at home.  Their behavior would be redirected or they were removed from the area and there would be a verbal correction.  If they were older and they had acted up, I would leave them at home if possible - natural consequence for acting badly in public.  Basically, I never wanted anyone pointing a finger at me and talking about my ill behaved kids.

 

Now when I think about it, I'm wondering if I am a strict parent due to expectations.  Maybe the level of strictness isn't dependent upon punishments and tons of rules.

 

Also, I'll admit my kids have never given me a lot of trouble in this regard.  They certainly had their moments, and I tried to keep public appearances in line with what they were capable of handling, but overall, they behave.

 

I guess I don't equate not being strict with letting children run wild.  So what does 'strict parenting' really mean? 

 

Anyway you look at it, I would consider you a great parent.  :D

[bolt.]

I think a definition of "strict" is "Having higher expectations of your children than your society's definition of normal/average (in a particular age/stage), and the means to reliably see that happen, and the willingness to use those methods with consitancy."

 

I think you are overlapping the semantic ranges of "strict" and "harsh" -- being punitive, especially combined with high expectations and a hair trigger is "harsh"... That can also be called "strict" because it dies reliably get used to achieve those standards. Some "strict" parents use "harsh" as their method, but "harsh" is not the only way to successfully be "strict".

[HRAAB]

Anyway you look at it, I would consider you a great parent.  :D

 

Thanks.

 

I guess I am strict, just not punitively strict. 

[Halcyon]

I consider myself fairly strict in that I have a high expectation for my kids, don't tolerate whining (much), expect chores to be done without complaint, don't allow lots of screen time....but I was talking to a client of mine the other day and she mentioned her 16 year old daughter was being disciplined by getting no screens for 2 weeks. I said "what did she do?" And she said "She backed talked me." "A lot, huh?" I responded. "No, just once. That's enough." I consider THAT pretty strict--if my kid moans or complains they get a strong warning, but they do get a warning.

That said, I remember myself as a teen/tween, and remember distinctly my alienation, sadness and frustration with my parents and the world around me, so as my older grows up, I intend to tolerate some "bad behavior" while at the same time making sure the lines of communication are kept open, so that teenage angst can hopefully be shared and discussed.

[SKL]

I think strict means you set more boundaries than the average parent, and you don't let things go when the kids exceed said boundaries.

 

Myself, I have days when I'm strict.  Usually after the kids have started getting ridiculous, i.e., thinking that listening to me (when I talk in my normal, mellow voice) is optional.  Or thinking they can ignore what they are told by a coach, etc.  At such times I speak in a no-nonsense voice and remind them that they need to meet abc expectations or they will get xyz consequence every single time.  And then I follow through.

 

It just isn't me to be like that all the time.  Usually my kids are a pleasure to be with and I like to enjoy our time together.  I let them push boundaries a little as part of a good-natured joke etc.  As long as they respond immediately when I correct them, it's all good.  If they don't, we go back to strict mommy and it cycles all over again.

 

Strict mommy usually only comes out once every couple/few weeks.  The rest of the time, even if I have to give a consequence, it is treated like an isolated incident, and things go along as normal.

[HRAAB]

I consider myself fairly strict in that I have a high expectation for my kids, don't tolerate whining (much), expect chores to be done without complaint, don't allow lots of screen time....but I was talking to a client of mine the other day and she mentioned her 16 year old daughter was being disciplined by getting no screens for 2 weeks. I said "what did she do?" And she said "She backed talked me." "A lot, huh?" I responded. "No, just once. That's enough." I consider THAT pretty strict--if my kid moans or complains they get a strong warning, but they do get a warning.

That said, I remember myself as a teen/tween, and remember distinctly my alienation, sadness and frustration with my parents and the world around me, so as my older grows up, I intend to tolerate some "bad behavior" while at the same time making sure the lines of communication are kept open, so that teenage angst can hopefully be shared and discussed.

 

I've got one that is really into moaning, groaning, ughing when it's her turn to do the dishes.  She does them, right after dinner, but then the moans and ughs.  I notice when I leave the kitchen, the moans stop; when I walk in, the moaning starts.  So I (the entire family) deprive her of an audience.  She is our drama queen.  I haven't removed anything yet because of the groaning - like I said, she does the work.  Just very verbally.  Actually, I think she enjoys it; it entertains her while she doing dishes.  One night I told her I would watch Sherlock without her if she didn't stop groaning.  She stopped immediately.  :laugh: