help me figure this out, please...(school/responsiblity/behavior)

[ktgrok]

My son is 13, in 7th. He's been homeschooled since 5th. I'd planned to homeschool him starting in K, but I got divorced that year and wasn't able to financially. So he's had a taste of public school. He has been asking to go back since I brought him home. No real reason, just "wants to be normal". He has homeschooled friends. He has a lot of freedom. His work is not too hard. He spends afternoons with public school friends in the neighborhood. He has a good life. But he is constantly complaining and at the end of his rope it seems. He has started a campaign to be such a pain in the you know what that I will get sick of teaching him and put him back in public school. Obviously, that cannot be encouraged. However, I had already been thinking of public school for next year. Not because it is best academically for him. It's not. But he will be 14 and it seems maybe it is time to let him make those decisions, with guidance from us. Our relationship is a constant battle and maybe this would help...although I doubt it, it was a battle before we homeschooled. He has Aspergers, is gifted, and has a processing speed/coding learning disability. And ADHD diagnosed by a neuropsych. He wants to do the least amount of work possible. But...we've already agreed to public school for highschool, and I think he wants a year to get used to changing classes and whatever before then. And maybe that is good. Maybe a year to sink/swim before he is in highschool is good. But i feel i cant do that because he will learn that acting like a horse's behind will get him his way. Thoughts?

[Jenny in Florida]

Assuming that you are genuinely okay with sending him to school, could you sit down with him and explain that he's going to have to prove to you that he us mature enough to make this decision by meeting certain very specific goals for the remainder of this year?

 

In other words, could you tell him that going to school would mean having to function on his own more, managing assignments and deadlines without Mom peeking over his shoulder? So, in order for you to consider this, he needs to start doing exactly that right now, while still homeschooling.

 

Or substitute whatever other specific skills you want him to improve?

[ktgrok]

Assuming that you are genuinely okay with sending him to school, could you sit down with him and explain that he's going to have to prove to you that he us mature enough to make this decision by meeting certain very specific goals for the remainder of this year?

 

In other words, could you tell him that going to school would mean having to function on his own more, managing assignments and deadlines without Mom peeking over his shoulder? So, in order for you to consider this, he needs to start doing exactly that right now, while still homeschooling.

 

Or substitute whatever other specific skills you want him to improve?

 

That's what his father and I are leaning towards. Him having to finish his schoolwork, without me reminding him, and increase output. Finish up his math for the year, even if that means two lessons some days. Commit to REALLY increasing writing output over the next month. Understand that if grades drop he will be pulled out.

 

But, DH, his stepfather, still thinks that this will teach him to act like a you know what to get his way. Because in his mind this option will have been presented AFTER he started behaving so badly. He is rightly concerned that this will be a very bad precedent to set in the teen years.

 

So I don't know how to handle this.

 

Add in that the idea of him going makes me want to cry, and it just is overwhelming me to figure out. I've already got tickets to the homeschool convention, and just bought some stuff for next year. Not homeschooling ...hard to imagine. I mean, I would have to deal with that the year after, but by then my dd would be 4 1/2 and ready to do more schoolwork. This just seems...sad. Which I know is NO reason to keep him home. And he would get a much better/broader/well rounded education here. But...at some point i have to realize he's growing up and has to have some control I guess.

[bettyandbob]

I have 2E kid. He was home in middle school with the plan to go to high school. I know we never would have survived if I'd insisted on keeping him home in high school, I'm certain our relationship would not have survived. One thing I was unsuccessful with was organizational skills. In your position, if organizational skills are an issue (they often are), I'd start working on them at home. AND I'd consider reenrollment in ps with the requirement that you and he spend X amount of time daily immediately upon coming home organizing. Start him on a filing system. Simple like, just one folder per class. That way every loose English paper from the backpack is in one place and can be found, ect. If your ds is seriously affected by his 2E issues you may need to do this throughout high school. It takes longer for a 2E kid to mature and figure it out and IME they do not figure it out on their own. My 2E kid may be about to discuss particle physics in depth, but he never mastered the little things that make it possible to actually graduate (due dates, have all material, complete work neatly, know when exams are, present science fair project in an aesthetically pleasing manner). He did graduate, but it was not pretty.

 

With a 2E kid making re enrollment based on some demonstrated maturity may not be possible. Setting up something like that may frustrate him and cause more struggles for both of you. So, I think you should think about what he needs to be successful in ps , whether you can assist him (like the organizational stuff above), and then make re enrollment based on his participating with you in whatever strategies are needed.

[Jean in Newcastle]

A 13 year old is old enough to understand that if you were already going to have him go to p.s. in high school that having a year to get used to it before high school begins is a good idea. Just talk to him. While I might expect a toddler to not be able to be reasoned with and to respond more to behavioral conditioning, I don't expect that of a teen.

[Trilliums]

I'd try to separate out his previous behavior from the decision of the best academic choice for him. IF you all decide that starting in grade 8 is a good decision for the academic/social/whatever reasons, I'd just put his being a pain about the whole thing to the side. I understand you don't want him to think his campaign has been a success, but to keep him home for another year primarily based on that would not be good for anyone, IMO.

 

I wish you the best! My boys have some of the same descriptors you use for your son. They started ps full time in grades 9 and 10 (this year) and it has been a big transition, but all around a good choice for our family.

[ktgrok]

I just spoke to my ex. I told him that if ds is asking about school, to tell him that I said, "I don't negotiate with terrorists." That will probably trigger his funny bone a bit and help him get the picture. Ex can let him know that I am willing to consider it, but not while he is being purposely obnoxious about school. He needs to cease and desist, and THEN we can talk about it. I think that is the way to go. In the meantime I am going to do some shuffling of our work to make sure he hits some milestones I want him to hit before the end of the year.

 

If he goes, he is welcome to change his mind and come home, but once home will stay home for the rest of the year. If his grades are not good, he will come home. I will enforce a mandatory study hour daily, homework or not. Etc.

 

And aside from all that, I'm just sad. I was really looking forward to doing Hakim for US history next year, plus the Story of US documentaries, Colonial House and Fronteir House from PBS, etc. Plus all the great literature and historical fiction. Instead, I think they read 2 or 3 books all year. We read that in a month. sigh....

[Anne in CA]

Honestly, the thought of giving a willful teen their way always gets my back up, but I might enroll him in 8th grade for revenge. 8th grade is not fun for most kids. I would tell him you are PUNISHING him by giving him what he wants and he must go through X-mas, lol. I have done enough junior high ministry to know that he will not like it, and if he does you still don't lose because he is happy. The principal of the high school by me does not want home schoolers to put their kids back in school for 8th grade to prepare for the transition to high school because none of them want to go to high school after a taste of junior high, and high school really is better socially than junior high so it is not a fair comparison.

[justasque]

It is worth considering that colleges will see 9th grade grades, but they will not see 8th grade grades. If he will need to ramp up his "school skills" - getting assignments in on time, studying for tests, negotiating with teachers, and so on - then going in for 8th as a transition year may make sense.

 

Also - consider your arc for not just this year to next, but also the larger arc of this year to college, this year to out-of-the-house, etc. As PP's have said, there are a lot of organizational skills that can be practiced through attendance at bricks-and-mortar school.

[Parrothead]

I'd just spell it out for him a time or three.

 

This is what we have decided. This is why. Your wheedling has nothing to do with the decision. If you wheedle and whine for anything again (I will listen to a validly constructed argument, but not whining) I'll pull you back out of public school so fast your head will spin. Because wheedling and whining is for toddlers. If you are not going to act like a mature responsible young man you'll be treated as a toddler.

 

Then follow through appropriately.

[Miss Tick]

With my younger kids I sometimes tell them, "Look, I think you are right, but if I let you do it now it looks like I'm giving in to your whining which I can not abide by. So I need you to stop so we can work this out." It sounds like you have a plan, but this could be another angle to approach it with.

 

I'm sorry you are sad.