We all try not to compare our children . . .

[Tracy]

But I think I may have been making a grave mistake without realizing it. Dd8 clearly has some executive function issues (time management, focus, slow-processing). And as I have seen ds5 pass her up in these areas, I have felt all sorts of things--frustration, impatience, hopelessness, etc. I have tried not to compare, but not knowing what "normal" was, ds5 was the only thing I had to compare her to. I assumed that ds5 was average in these areas.

 

Well, ds5 just started t-ball, and when dh got home with him, he told me that ds5 would likely be spending a lot of time on 1st base for a while. Not knowing anything about t-ball, I asked why. He explained that 1st base was an important position, and ds5 was able to pay attention and follow instructions much better than all the other boys. Oh my, I have been comparing dd8 not to an average 5yo, but to an above-average 5yo. She is 2-3 years behind in her executive skills, and he is ahead (at least compared to a whole t-ball team, not sure if that is a fair comparison, either).

 

I realize that this highly unscientific, but it seems that I have been very unfair to dd8.

[Garga]

And Bingo! That's exactly what I find most difficult about homeschooling. I have NO IDEA if the things my kids do are normal developmental things for all kids, or just mine.

 

Just this past week, I had a conversation with a friend who said her ds12 will randomly capitalize words in the middle of sentences. My ds10 does the same thing, and I wondered what was wrong with him. But, now I'm wondering if it's a very common thing that all humans do when they're learning to write (add random capitalization.)

 

I don't know. That sort of thing is frustrating to me.

 

I'm glad you figured it out between your sons relatively early.

[GoVanGogh]

I am so glad you posted this, as it has been on my mind.

 

I have an only child, always homeschooled. I really have no one to compare him to - except that DH and I both have younger siblings, plus lots of nieces and nephews. I know we shouldn't compare and yet... You need some basis of 'normal.'

 

I have two very dear homeschool friends with children my son's age up to young adult.

 

Once again - I was in a conversation with one of them today and the topic of my son's diagnosis and therapy came up. The friend kept brushing off everything as "normal for his age." So then I am left thinking - so two neurologists and four therapists are totally wrong? My son is normal even through his MRI shows otherwise? The conversation left me feeling very 'alone,' that I can't share my concerns without having them brushed off.

[Ravin]

Part of my problem has been that my basis of normal is, well, myself, and I was NOT a normal child. In learning to deal with DD on her own terms and meet her where she is, I didn't identify problems as early as I might have, because I figured she was just more average. But there's not much average about her. In areas where she's good, she's very very good, and in areas where she's not, well...she's not so much.

[GoVanGogh]

Part of my problem has been that my basis of normal is, well, myself, and I was NOT a normal child. In learning to deal with DD on her own terms and meet her where she is, I didn't identify problems as early as I might have, because I figured she was just more average. But there's not much average about her. In areas where she's good, she's very very good, and in areas where she's not, well...she's not so much.

 

This, too. Especially the bolded.

DH and I were hardly typical students. And - as older parents - that was so long ago. :mellow:

DS is like you mentioned - either very, very good at someting or just gone. No middle ground.

I would take him to the doctor and ask about the skills he was lagging in, but doctor would be blown away by DS's advanced vocabulary and tell me not to worry. I couldn't get the doctor to see/understand the delays that I was seeing. My friends don't see it. They are blown away by his strong areas, but don't see the learning differences because DS is good at compensating for them.

One of our big issues is penmanship, but everyone is so quick to brush it off. "Kids won't be writing so much in the future. Put him on a computer and be done with it." But they don't understand all the skills that go INTO penmanship. Yes, it all comes out as horrific penmanship. But you still need to develop the skills, muscle tone, muscle memory, visual tracking, core body strength, yada yada, that lead to good penmanship whether you actually value the penmanship or not.

[PeterPan]

Call me crazy, but you're assuming what you're seeing there is EF. He may have a different temperament, and he's been raised with an enriched environment of more language and conversation than your dd had. I clearly see this with my ds. But yes, I agree with you that you only get a sense when you compare them to their peers. The trouble with that though is their *strengths* can mask over their weaknesses. My ds has way more kinesthetic ability than my dd, making him in some ways seem more NT or more capable. However when you get down and analytical and actually do things that draw on processing speed and working memory, I think he's probably exactly the same. But you wouldn't think that to watch him, because his strengths make him look more capable.

[Tracy]

Call me crazy, but you're assuming what you're seeing there is EF.

 

I know that there is some assuming going on here. I am just saying that I have been assuming that my dd8 was a lot more behind than she actually is. So now I have a new assumption to challenge the old one. (We are planning on undergoing testing soon, so we will be getting to the bottom of those assumptions.)

 

He may have a different temperament, and he's been raised with an enriched environment of more language and conversation than your dd had.

 

I suppose most younger siblings do grow up in a more enriched environment, but I am not sure this is true here. Dd8 has always craved (demanded) language and interaction. But ds5 was speech-delayed and actually had an aversion to both speech and music until he was about 3yo (after speech therapy).

[PeterPan]

I watched an interview with the lady who did Signing Time, and she was saying how when her dd started school she required in the IEP that they give not only 1 but *2* signing teachers in the room. She said the dc needs exposure to background language, conversations more sophisticated than their own. So that's what I was referring to.

 

That will be good when you get evals. Hopefully it will take a lot off your mind (even if it ruffles it a bit first).

[LaraH]

I had a comparing moment recently even though I try not to. My sister's 7 year old can read Harry Potter, just finished playing hockey for the season and is starting baseball - both sports that are huge here in Canada. We've got early readers and martial arts, which I'm really happy about, but sometimes I find myself imagining that other life. Then I snap back and am so grateful for my son and the progress he's making. But it's hard sometimes.

[Targhee]

I have done the same thing. We do not want our children in an average classroom for various reasons. However we sometimes get too focused on not missing a sign that there's trouble/a delay though and end up unjustly comparing. I have to remind myself I sure don't hope someone is comparing me to my peers!! I have strengths, but weeknesses too :-S

[NotSoObvious]

I have this problem- but with twins! How can I not compare?!

 

My NT daughter is over the top social and I have to constantly remind myself of that when I worry about my other twin.