What do you do to control your anger?

[KIN]

I'm reading the book Good and Angry and they asked the question - What do you do to prevent an anger blow up? Good question! I'll be vulnerable and say that I really struggle in this area with my kids. I could use some ideas/techniques of what you do to control yourself when you want to blow. Do you count? Say something to yourself? Thanks!

[daisychics]

I go to....

S-T-A-R-B-U-C-K-S :auto:

 

I need help in this area as well.

[Jen500]

Sometimes I just go in another room, alone, for a few minutes. Sometimes I do the exact opposite of what I really feel...if I feel like yelling about something I just start talking very calmly. I think about 'moving forward' to improve the situation rather than venting about what's already happened. That really helps calm the kids down, which makes it easier for me to use that strategy the next time.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Kathy,

 

The EASIEST way to control anger is to handle things more promptly. Sure, X doesn't bother you the first time. You probably could repeat your request 3 times. But if you do these things, you eventually train your kids that it is okay to do X or to not mind til the 5th time. And by THAT time, you're frustrated!

 

So when I tell my kids to do something, I tell them once and expect it done (there sometimes is some reasonable discussion NOW, but not from a 2 or 3yr old...the 4-6yo would definitely have to mind first then discuss).

 

I also set them up for success. We practiced doing what I needed them to know how to do well. I've shared the lengths I went to to boundary train when my kids (and fosters) were little. That way, it was fun and enjoyable and EFFECTIVE. I didn't have to worry about them being hit by a car or me getting angry for them breaking the boundary for the umpteenth time. Those things weren't possibilities.

 

We had cues to help them make better choices. "Try again" and "take two" help kids rethink and restate and redo immediately without mom having to wear down her teeth gritting them, slapping kiddo silly, or yelling.

 

BTW, I have a temper (maybe obviously based on my examples in that last paragraph!). I HAD to learn to discipline (teach, guide, help, etc) better in order to not be one of those angry moms.

 

HTHs a little. If you want to share specific scenarios, maybe we could help you find alternative ways to handle things so you won't get so frustrated or angry :)

[Pamela H in Texas]

BTW, Jen makes a good point. If you can get yourself to think of ways to make there either not be a next time or for next time to go better, it's less frustrating. A lot of times people think of what HAS happened instead of what WILL happen. Punishment is backwards thinking, problem solving is forwards thinking, for example.

[KIN]

Thanks for the advice so far! I do have things I'm working on with my boys - not whining or complaining when asked to do something. I have a plan, and it is helping. :) I do need some help for those times that I just can't predict - boy, I don't know, I can't think of anything specific right now. Just when things are going haywire and I want to blow.

[Parabola]

I also set them up for success. We practiced doing what I needed them to know how to do well. I've shared the lengths I went to to boundary train when my kids (and fosters) were little.

 

 

 

I'd love to hear what and how you practiced, about your boundary training, is there a link?

[Lolly]

Honestly, if my steam is really pushing the top, I scream as loud as I can (primal yell) and stomp my feet as hard as I can. I go in a room or closet and let it go. Strangely, the world seems calmer after I let the steam out. THe kids tiptoe around for a little while. Dh will suddenly appear and volunteer to fix supper.

 

 

Probably not what you wanted...

[KIN]

Pamela -

 

Thanks for the reminder of handling things the first time. That's one I know, but can forget. :) I'm also learning to see my anger as a signal - "Hmm, what's going on here? Why am I angry? Does this happen all the time? Something I need to deal with? etc." So, as I said, I'm learning. But, it is going to be a long process I'm thinking!

[Pamela H in Texas]

I'd love to hear what and how you practiced, about your boundary training, is there a link?

 

Oh, I'm sure there is one SOMEWHERE....but I don't know which thread is which after awhile.

 

Let me preface it with the fact that I had a 5yo, THREE 2yr olds, a toddler and an infant when I did this. I lived on a very long col-de-sac where people seemed to think it would be fine to go 50-60mph. The boy across the street had been hit by a car while riding his bike just before we moved in. I also was partially disabled, unable to reliably chase down a child "in time." There was also a bayou just a lot away to the side.

 

Our driveway was very large which helped. THey had plenty of area to ride bikes, do sidewalk chalk, whatever. Part was covered also. The kitchen door was right there (several times I'd have the baby in the carrier sleeping just inside the door). We started with a really close boundary, the end of the covered area. We rode "bikes" to the line, we rode just this side of the line, we ran to the line, we jump turned at the line, we crawled to the line, we drew pictures to the line....you get the point. EVERY day we'd practice. EVERY time we went outside, we played our games. It was FUN to follow the rule. In time, we loosened the boundary twice with the final boundary still plenty far enough from the street.

 

Now, of course, with 6 kids, I had to have one that wasn't as easy as the others (I actually had TWO that were quite tough. Turns out one was bipolar with a number of other issues and the other had reactive attachment disorder). D, especially, seemed to want to "toe the line" (and not in a good way). So she ended up with a tighter boundary. Testing that, she'd end up with the tighter one. After she learned I would consistently put her on restriction, she learned to partially trust me and tested far less often. It was hard work. Tougher kids just are. And yet, the pay off is SO big when tougher kids learn to trust the rules and consequences.

 

Anyway, because they were so young, we still practiced A LOT. I always made it fun. We did all sorts of games to do it. But it was serious business. Again, their very lives depended on it.

 

Did you know that spanking actually INCREASES street entries according to some research?! My guess is two-fold. #1, oftentimes parents teach kids not to listen until the threat of punishment, a certain number, or a certain decible level. So they'd have to threaten spanking before the kid ever thought of entering the street for it to "work." #2, kids like a lot of attention and spanking, though negative, IS attention. That little girl, D, mentioned above? Would have taken 50 spankings a day over ANY positive attention. Some kids just are like that. Their attention radar is a little screwy at times, especially tougher kiddos. So I had no choice but to "rewire" her and the other tougher kiddo else what would their lives turn out as?

 

Anyway, not that that was to turn into spanking discussion. It's just that many people rely on that particular punishment to make the kid responsible to keep themselves safe. In reality, it is the ADULT who should make sure that young children, who can't possibly totally understand that a car will SQUISH THEM, are safe.

 

And sure, my method was involved. It took time, effort, etc. But it was positive and enjoyable. And necessary in our situation. I also took 6 kids out to eat, to the mall, to the park, etc. I HAD to have reliable ways to keep them near me, safe, etc. And that was so even though two were tougher, one being a runner, and me being less than capable physically.

 

Okay, so I've rambled on enough. BTW, if I holler "armslength" right this second, my kids will come running. It's been over 10 years and it still works (I always do it when I write it on the boards...lol). They know it's important (or for the board...LOL) if I use that code word :)

 

ETA: maybe I should clean this post up a little and put it on my blog so I can easily find it....

[KIN]

I think about 'moving forward' to improve the situation rather than venting about what's already happened.

 

I haven't thought of it this way! I tend to "vent about what's already happened". That doesn't solve anything I know, but just the thinking of it this way will help! Thanks!

[Parabola]

Oh, I'm sure there is one SOMEWHERE....but I don't know which thread is which after awhile.

 

Let me preface it with the fact that I had a 5yo, THREE 2yr olds, a toddler and an infant when I did this. I lived on a very long col-de-sac where people seemed to think it would be fine to go 50-60mph. The boy across the street had been hit by a car while riding his bike just before we moved in. I also was partially disabled, unable to reliably chase down a child "in time." There was also a bayou just a lot away to the side.

 

Our driveway was very large which helped. THey had plenty of area to ride bikes, do sidewalk chalk, whatever. Part was covered also. The kitchen door was right there (several times I'd have the baby in the carrier sleeping just inside the door). We started with a really close boundary, the end of the covered area. We rode "bikes" to the line, we rode just this side of the line, we ran to the line, we jump turned at the line, we crawled to the line, we drew pictures to the line....you get the point. EVERY day we'd practice. EVERY time we went outside, we played our games. It was FUN to follow the rule. In time, we loosened the boundary twice with the final boundary still plenty far enough from the street.

 

Now, of course, with 6 kids, I had to have one that wasn't as easy as the others (I actually had TWO that were quite tough. Turns out one was bipolar with a number of other issues and the other had reactive attachment disorder). D, especially, seemed to want to "toe the line" (and not in a good way). So she ended up with a tighter boundary. Testing that, she'd end up with the tighter one. After she learned I would consistently put her on restriction, she learned to partially trust me and tested far less often. It was hard work. Tougher kids just are. And yet, the pay off is SO big when tougher kids learn to trust the rules and consequences.

 

Anyway, because they were so young, we still practiced A LOT. I always made it fun. We did all sorts of games to do it. But it was serious business. Again, their very lives depended on it.

 

Did you know that spanking actually INCREASES street entries according to some research?! My guess is two-fold. #1, oftentimes parents teach kids not to listen until the threat of punishment, a certain number, or a certain decible level. So they'd have to threaten spanking before the kid ever thought of entering the street for it to "work." #2, kids like a lot of attention and spanking, though negative, IS attention. That little girl, D, mentioned above? Would have taken 50 spankings a day over ANY positive attention. Some kids just are like that. Their attention radar is a little screwy at times, especially tougher kiddos. So I had no choice but to "rewire" her and the other tougher kiddo else what would their lives turn out as?

 

Anyway, not that that was to turn into spanking discussion. It's just that many people rely on that particular punishment to make the kid responsible to keep themselves safe. In reality, it is the ADULT who should make sure that young children, who can't possibly totally understand that a car will SQUISH THEM, are safe.

 

And sure, my method was involved. It took time, effort, etc. But it was positive and enjoyable. And necessary in our situation. I also took 6 kids out to eat, to the mall, to the park, etc. I HAD to have reliable ways to keep them near me, safe, etc. And that was so even though two were tougher, one being a runner, and me being less than capable physically.

 

Okay, so I've rambled on enough. BTW, if I holler "armslength" right this second, my kids will come running. It's been over 10 years and it still works (I always do it when I write it on the boards...lol). They know it's important (or for the board...LOL) if I use that code word :)

 

ETA: maybe I should clean this post up a little and put it on my blog so I can easily find it....

 

You know what? You're a smart lady. Thanks so much for sharing. I've got a certain little boundary tester who, though not as bad as your D, is still a challenge. We do ok most of the time, but there are days that test the patience.... I'll be re-reading this several times as I work out ways I might incorporate your methods! Thanks!

[Scarlett]

I have a very hot temper, so I do know what you mean. I am past 40 now and over the years I've found little tricks to control my temper.

 

The simpliest one for me is to 'think it through'. If I pause to think, 'will I feel any better or just worse if I give in to my anger', then I am much more likely to hold my tongue. And in doing that I've discovered that many times the anger can pass very quickly and the feeling of self-control is amazing!

 

My ds is pushing the limits today. We've been in town all day and I had to leave a booth in a restaurant and take my 8 year old (!!!) out and tell him he was being very rude and to stop it. It has been one thing after another today. When we got home I fed him a snack and made him take a nap which he resisted as if he might be 3 years old. Sigh. I didn't lose my cool though. I just told him to not come out of his room and that he was being very ugly acting and to stop.

[Danestress]

That everything I do or say is going to be broadcast on network tv.

 

Seriously, whem my children were infants screaming, I started this. I would just pretend that I had to be "perfect mother" for an audience, and I would be a sweet and gracious as I could be, and it always improved the situation.

 

Of course, infants aren't actually TRYING to get your goat. It's harder with 15 year olds who purposely stir up conflict because .... well ..... I'm not sure why. Mine just seemed to enjoy it. So I would pretend that my reaction was being taped, or at the very least that he was gather evidence against me.

 

But this definitely works best if you know when you are going to be done and able to "walk off the set." With a teenager, I arranged to walk of that set as quickly and calmly as possible.

[Riverfront Headmistress]

medication :chillpill:

[Pamela H in Texas]

I would just pretend that I had to be "perfect mother" for an audience, and I would be a sweet and gracious as I could be, and it always improved the situation.

 

This DEFINITELY works!

[Laurie4b]

I leave the area. (My kids are older so I could leave the whole property if needed!) Usually just going outside for a while will work.

 

I pray: Lord help! (is about as eloquent as I get in that situation.)

 

If I'm getting angry regularly, then I take it as a signal that there is an underlying problem that needs to be thought through and dealt with proactively.

 

That's when I do it right. When I do it wrong, I yell. :( If I blow it, I make sure that I apologize.

[Hot Lava Mama]

so what do you do when they don't listen?

 

Just wondering. I know things go better when I hold firm, but I have a hard time with my two youngest (2 years and 4 years). What did you do if they didn't listen? ie: what was the punishment or action that you took?

 

My older ones seem to know that "that isn't a good choice" kind of a decision when they do things they know they shouldn't. And, honestly, I really didn't have much of a problem with them when they were younger.

 

But my two youngest boys...aye yi yi! What do I do. It seems like some days their entire purpose in life is to make me crazy.

 

I think I need different ways of handling them than I needed with my first two. Can you give any advice? I couldn't even imagine my head would still be attached to my head if I had 6 little ones the ages of yours. I'm so sure "my head would explode!"

 

So...what do you do with stubborn ones who don't listen?

Thanks!

Hot Lava Mama

[Jean in CA]

Similar to what someone above mentioned... take on another persona, Tatiana, the Tutor or Mrs. Snickerdoodle the nanny. Speak as if you were hired to do this job and you will get take the "edge" off your voice.

 

Also, I try to have predetermined consequences planned before an actual offense. Then I have to make myself not shield the child from the consequence. Sometimes I'm angry because I don't want the child to "suffer" the consequence we already decided because it will hurt. Sigh.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Hot Lava....

 

It's kinda hard to explain because there aren't set things. A person who relies on time outs can say, "time out when they step out of line." A person that uses nonpunitive means to teach and guide doesn't have an easy explanation much of the time. Age, circumstance, what we're trying to teach, etc all comes into play. The below is just for simple obedience. Obviously, things are a little different if we're teaching problem solving skills to preschoolers or some such.

 

The first rule: I said what I meant and meant what I said. There was no question about the fact that what I said was DEFINITELY going to happen.

 

If I say "bathtime," then bathtime it is. You can bunnyhop there, you can crawl, you can race me. I might give you until 7:15 to get in there. I can carry you kicking and screaming if necessary. But regardless, you are getting into the bath. Same with blocks. YOU are picking up the blocks. I might help by making it a game. I might take your little hands in mine and physically make you do it. Your world may STOP until it's done, but regardless, you are picking up the blocks.

 

There are two things involved in that rule that make or break parenting. The first is that I meant what I said the first time EVERY time. The second is that I consistently followed through the first time every time. If you can say what you mean, mean what you say and be consistent about follow through, you have proved your word trustworthy. It helps to be a soft brick wall. It is safe for them to "test" as needed but the wall is still firm. Mom has MOMMY POWER :)

 

If you start with a toddler, you have it made. If you start at 8, it's a bit harder, but you can do it. Easy kids thrive on good strong consistent discipline. Tough kiddos NEED it.

 

I have so much more I can say. Honestly, I've written hundreds of posts and even a few articles over the years. I've been privileged to help many families online and in real life. I am glad to share more, but don't want to force it upon anyone.

 

Do you have specific behaviors in mind? Maybe you could get some ideas from some of us about how to handle those specific behaviors.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Also, I try to have predetermined consequences planned before an actual offense. Then I have to make myself not shield the child from the consequence. Sometimes I'm angry because I don't want the child to "suffer" the consequence we already decided because it will hurt. Sigh.

 

It's not a surefire solution, but sometimes, that urge in you is really saying something. Not always. I certainly don't want my son to have less free time because he chose to wallow in self-pity instead of getting his room cleaned. However, sometimes we add a punishment when a logical consequence would be plenty. My conscience really bugged me the few months I did that before I learned about other discipline skills and tools. Of course, we do our best and keep trying to do better and sometimes it still "hurts." Life isn't always easy.

[Pamela H in Texas]

As if I haven't rambled on long enough. Here is a post written a few months ago:

 

In ANY situation, a child has a choice to do it themselves or have help doing it. What exactly that looks like in any situation can be significantly different because of many factors. Here are a few tools which helped with my challenging kiddo.

 

1) Make them comply. This is SO much easier when you are starting with a 2 or 3 yr old, but can still work for some 6yo issues. You'd likely use it for fewer though. Where you could give a 2yo the choice to walk or be carried, it could be harder moving a 6yo, for example.

 

2) Give them time to adjust. "Tyler, it is 5:45. By the time says 6 o'clock, you need to be in the tub." My son responded REALLY well to this. He just seemed to need a little time to wrap his head around an order.

 

3) Give choices. "you may pick up before lunch or before supper; whichever is fine." Make it choices you can live with. Make them ones that help your cause (ie, time before something important, not before something else that MUST be done like bedtime or leaving for doctor office).

 

4) make it a game, an assignment, a family affair, etc

 

5) Encourage his help on figuring solutions (outlined in first post so I'll spare ya).

 

6) ORDER less. Sometimes we moms are just plain bossy! LOL

 

7) Have a set response he's to use every time. Not having to think about it can seriously help change the dynamics of the situation. He can learn to "argue appropriately" after regular compliance has been learned.

 

8) Don't pay too much attention to attention getting tactics and such. Him complying is much more important. Deal with that first, the rest will come pretty naturally. When he's used to #6, for example, he's not going to be saying "no I won't" as much. When he does, you use #1 or #2 to help him comply; doesn't much matter what he SAID.

 

9) Progress charts can help CONSIDERABLY. ONe method is to have him tally mark each time he does it wrong so he can see how he's improving. That is okay but I worry about negativity. On RARE occasions, you might use a reward chart. I wouldn't use it much but 2 or 3 weeks to focus on a specific behavior you'd like to see changed probably would work AND change the habit so you can move to better discipline (rewards aren't generally good discipline, just as punishment isn't). I've used a reward program with my son twice, each time for 2 weeks and each time only for VERY specific behaviors.

 

10) and again, reconnection, positive interaction, encouragement helps considerably. Keep him closeby, keep your time together positive, praise him sincerely as reasonable, help him make good choices, etc.

 

What is MOST important regardless is that you have "mommy power." You CANNOT repeat yourself, count to 3, offer threats or bribes, etc if you want him to take YOU seriously.