How do you balance many pressing needs at once?

[Doran]

Right now, I have a lot of pressing issues weighing on me, and I'm not sure how to balance them all.

 

I have a very dear friend who is moving away on Thursday. Since her move coincides with a pending divorce, it feels urgent to offer her as much help as I can during these final days of packing. I have committed to being there today, in just a few minutes.

 

Another very close friend is separating (they are moving things this week). She seems strong in her process, but I am sensitive to the fact that she might want more support than she is requesting verbally. She stopped by for a brief visit this morning, so at least we got to chat face to face.

 

My family of origin is in minor chaos, with my dad's mental deterioration outpacing his physical deterioration, but both failings severing affecting my mother's ability to care for him any longer. Today, my brother asked if I might be available to spend a week there next week because both he and my other brother will be out of town. A week in NC (having just been there in June, and heading back there in Sept) is not ideal for me just now, but I told my brother that I'd do whatever needed to happen. We're looking into all the options, and my coming to stay is among them.

 

Meanwhile, I must stick to my plan of finding money making opportunities for myself. Dh and I need the infusion of a second income like never before. And, as it happens, I'm needed elsewhere like never before.

 

How do you keep your balance when life is tossing so much in your direction at once? I feel like I've caught all the balls, but now I'm being asked to juggle them, and I don't really know how to juggle so many at once.

 

Ideas welcome. :confused:

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Right now, I have a lot of pressing issues weighing on me, and I'm not sure how to balance them all.

 

I have a very dear friend who is moving away on Thursday. Since her move coincides with a pending divorce, it feels urgent to offer her as much help as I can during these final days of packing. I have committed to being there today, in just a few minutes.

 

Another very close friend is separating (they are moving things this week). She seems strong in her process, but I am sensitive to the fact that she might want more support than she is requesting verbally. She stopped by for a brief visit this morning, so at least we got to chat face to face.

 

My family of origin is in minor chaos, with my dad's mental deterioration outpacing his physical deterioration, but both failings severing affecting my mother's ability to care for him any longer. Today, my brother asked if I might be available to spend a week there next week because both he and my other brother will be out of town. A week in NC (having just been there in June, and heading back there in Sept) is not ideal for me just now, but I told my brother that I'd do whatever needed to happen. We're looking into all the options, and my coming to stay is among them.

 

Meanwhile, I must stick to my plan of finding money making opportunities for myself. Dh and I need the infusion of a second income like never before. And, as it happens, I'm needed elsewhere like never before.

 

How do you keep your balance when life is tossing so much in your direction at once? I feel like I've caught all the balls, but now I'm being asked to juggle them, and I don't really know how to juggle so many at once.

 

Ideas welcome. :confused:

 

It looks like the money making will have to be put on the back burner. If you're still being offered a chance to write, you might consider taking very good notes during this difficult process with your father and recording that for the magazine (if it's an appropriate venue). Perhaps a tie-in with a toxic world and speculation of how that affects aging and our typical disease processes? (I hate to even mention this -- it sounds so cold reading it back. But you do understand that I'm only suggesting that if you are to write what you know, writing through this particular pain may be therapeutic for you and very helpful for someone else going through the process.)

 

Help your friend pack today and commit to helping in the morning if it looks like she needs it. Call your stronger friend to touch base, let her know what's going on with you, and *if it is helpful for you*, go to her house on Wednesday, help her in whatever way you can for five hours, and talk and listen. She needs to hear your problems, because they provide relief from her own, and she may need to talk to you for clarity. Five hours is plenty for the both of you, and you can get a lot done in that time.

 

Hang in there, friend. You can do this. Put one foot in front of the other -- that's all you can do.

[Tammy]

I say....you have to take care of you and your home first! You can only do so much....so don't feel pressured to 'be there' for everyone. I don't give my relatives the idea that I can drop everything and help them....although it would be nice....I realistically can't do that.

 

Do what you feel is most important....but don't upset your own apple cart doing it....and GOOD LUCK!

 

Tammy

[Danestress]

I say....you have to take care of you and your home first! You can only do so much....so don't feel pressured to 'be there' for everyone. I don't give my relatives the idea that I can drop everything and help them....although it would be nice....I realistically can't do that.

 

Do what you feel is most important....but don't upset your own apple cart doing it....and GOOD LUCK!

 

Tammy

 

 

I think you need to upset the apple cart, Doran. If there is anyway you can possibly help your parents and brothers in this crisis, do it. Especially if your brothers are the ones who are there dealing with the problem most of the time. I am the "in town" sister, and we have been in a similar crisis this summer. We didn't have hired help in place (because prior to the crisis, we weren't at the point where we really needed it). So my apple cart got toppled big time.

 

I have no idea how people handle aging parents without the love and help of siblings. I know I would have come completely unglued. My sisters have their own lives in other places, and they can't just move here and take over. But they were willing to be greatly inconvenienced in order to help me this summer, and while they were doing it for my parents, they were also doing it for me. One came for a week just so that I could go on a vacation that had already been planned for months. It wasn't a "necessary" vacation, but she wanted me to have it. I will love her forever for that.

 

I think it must be a great temptation for out of town adult children to say "well, I have to put my family first" and there is some truth in it. Long term, you have to make sure you are doing what works for your immediate famiy. But it can't be a cop-out. I know you aren't looking for one either, Doran, but I just feel like I have to say this.

 

So I think I would help your friend move, and then I would go to your parents for a week, and then I would come back and try to figure out what the next step is. I do think your parents have to have a long term plan that takes into account that their children can't be full time caregivers. But it sounds like your Mom is in crisis mode right now, and she's figuring it out as she goes too.

[newbie]

I just keep praying, my new prayer every morn when I wake, I thank him for blessings and say I dont know what today will bring but I put it in your hands. Thats it.

 

Jet

[Joanne]

{{{many hugs}}}

 

You have an incredible heart and love for people. I admire and respect you for that.

 

There isn't a *right* answer from us, Doran, for your situation. It's situation, history and personality specific.

 

I'd start with 1) Prayer and 2) DH's feedback.

 

Looking back on my life, there have been times I've regretted being insular with my very immediate family, and times I've regretted using my resources (time, energy, money) outside of my family unit.

[Mom2GirlsTX]

Having been through this and survived (but barely) I can offer some gentle advice:

1) You can not divide yourself into more parts than you have

2) You must take care of yourself first, this sounds selfish and unreasonable, but you are the common denominator, and if you fall, so does the entire bridge you are supporting.

 

So my advice is to make sure you take care of your own family first. Please don't think I'm heartless about your father,I feel your pain, truly I do. I was the only one of six kids who took care of both my parents. My father through cancer and my mother through Alzheimers. I do know that it is not always possible for others to take care of their parents, you may have to accept the fact you can't help at this time. You might have to wait a few months. Do they have any insurance? How about Medicare and getting the doctor to order some home health care to help your dad?

 

As for your friends, you sound like the kind of friend that any of us would love to have nearby, caring and concerned. I'm sure they need you in this time, but only give what you can afford to give emotionally and physically, no more. If you can't stay 2 hours, then don't, stay 15 minutes and give them a sweet note about how you care.

 

You may have to be miserly with your time even though you don't want to be. You mentioned finances, then this would be a family need that you have to put above the needs of even your parents, your friends, etc. Taking care of your own family has to come first.

 

Goodness, reading this post I sound mean and I don't mean to at all. I just think you have to realize you can't do it all, I tried and it about destroyed my health. 5 years later I'm finally pulling out of the fog of it all. Please realize that you have to put your family (and I mean your kids and husband) first in terms of finances and emotional resources, then your parents, then your friends.

 

Deep breaths, priorities and most of all be reasonable to not expect to much of yourself! :grouphug:

[Aubrey]

I had just finished my first yr of teaching ps highschool to a group of students who were often in jail, on drugs, violent. The admin was worse.

 

Dh had been unemployed until the last 6 wks of the yr, when we put our dc (4yo & almost 2yo) in daycare until the sch yr was over. The daycare lost 2yo, & after the scariest 15 min of my life, they found her, & we scrambled to find alt care for the rest of the sch yr.

 

We'd been living w/ my ils for 5 yrs at that pt & could barely afford the most falling apart house in town, which we bought & closed on that July. We began spending every waking hr working on the house so we could move in. I was hoping to hs that Sept, but the budget was going to be really tight.

 

Around the 1st of Sept, we got a letter from our ins co saying that because we weren't living in the house (we were a m away at ils), they were going to cancel our policy. So the dc & I moved in w/out dh, since his allergies were too bad to sleep there until it was in better condition. We had one car, so I was stuck in a rundown house, sleeping on the floor, by myself in muck, doing the best I could.

 

A week later, my dad started acting strange. He'd been staying w/ my grmother since his separation from his 2nd wife, & had had some health issues. Grmother was working for FEMA, & Katrina had just hit. She called, worried, & asked me to go stay w/ dad (at her house, an hr away) for a week or so.

 

Her house is un-air conditioned. It has mice. It has bugs & bug killer out in the open. Every time I'd gone for a brief visit, one of the dc had found some kind of poison and EATEN it. Now I was going to stay for a whole week, potentially caring for a LARGE & ORNERY (that's to put it very nicely) father while dh managed a ride w/ his parents.

 

At that pt, dh & I had barely seen ea other in...nearly 3 wks? I remember the night before I was supposed to leave, telling dh I didn't know how I was going to do it. Climbing the stairs, I fell on them about half way up, & just cried. It was too much.

 

This is in hopes of expressing sympathy & understanding. I can't tell you how we dealt w/ the situation, because by the next AM, it was out of our control. My dad died that night, at the moment that I was on the stairs crying.

 

The other ladies have much better advice than I do. I just wanted to say you're not alone. It's not easy, & I don't think there's a "right" way to deal w/ situations like these.

 

One thing I will say: make sure SURE to voice *your* needs. This was the hardest time in my life, & if I hadn't had really wonderful, supportive family & friends, I. would. not. have. made. it. Seriously.

 

Take care, Doran. :grouphug:

[JennifersLost]

Everyone's telling you what to put first and now it's my turn. I'd be sure first to check in with your dh, because I know he's been stressing about the money. Let him know about all these obligations but ask for his advice. If he starts right in about money, then that might be the one you need to pursue. It doesn't mean you can't help the other people, but maybe you'll have to do a bit less right now. Because even though it's you who is physically helping all these people, your dh is the one holding the ball of the unpaid bills, you know? So, in that sense, it's all coming down on him.

 

Of course, hopefully he surprises you - hopefully there's enough wiggle room here to help the others AND yourself. I sure hope so. You are really being there for other people. I hope others are being there for you, too.

 

Hugs! - Lots of 'em!