Quite concerned about DD

[Orthodox6]

If your daughter is also concerned, maybe it's time to see a doctor and get blood sugar, iron, vitamin b, thyroid etc checked.

It sounds like you're really trying hard to help and I hope things get better soon.

 

 

I am so relieved to read this post. I was working my way down the thread, wondering why nobody had stated the obvious, which is to consult a physician.

 

In another direction, I am impressed by the support system in place for this young woman! Parents, school, work -- everyone rooting for her success.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

It is normal for someone who had a baby and is skinny to still have a belly. I had a comment about when the baby is due once when I wasn't pregnant. I had tons of comments from people about my weight. It does not help to have lots of people commenting about it. It made feel terrible about myself. I know a lot of people who have toddlers who still wake 2-3 times at night. It isn't that out there. It is also normal for a toddler to not breastfeed when at dads but then want to when they are with their mom again.

 

 

I know DD is sensitive about her figure. It breaks my heart when she tells me some of the things the other students in her classes have said about her belly.

 

I didn't know that about bfing children and visiting each parent. No one I know is in that situation, either they formula fed so it wasn't an issue (the predominant reason; I'd say 95%) or the parents were together when the baby was young.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Silly me, I quoted myself when I meant to edit.

[LizzyBee]

 

I am so relieved to read this post. I was working my way down the thread, wondering why nobody had stated the obvious, which is to consult a physician.

 

In another direction, I am impressed by the support system in place for this young woman! Parents, school, work -- everyone rooting for her success.

 

Maybe I read the orig post too fast, but I was under the impression that they'd already seen a doctor and dd's bloodwork was normal. I agree that since dd is also concerned, a dr visit and thorough bloodwork are in order.

[Joanne]

 

I am so relieved to read this post. I was working my way down the thread, wondering why nobody had stated the obvious, which is to consult a physician.

 

 

The OP was quite clear that professionals had been consulted and involved.

[Orthodox6]

The OP was quite clear that professionals had been consulted and involved.

 

She wrote that professionals already had been consulted to rule out either an eating disorder or some other type of psychological difficulty. I spoke of a "regular" physician. Quite different.

 

At any rate, the original post has been deleted, so we cannot check its content.

[Joanne]

OP, the post I was going to respond to has been changed, I believe?

 

My reply is going to look extra harsh out of context - so if you didn't read the original response from the OP, please understand I am responding to something that was posted and has been edited.

 

{{{hugs}}}

 

OP, I have been through a protracted family law battle while going to school and raising children. I was nearly 40, and I had a modicum of maturity and wisdom and it was STILL awful and exhausting.

 

In your reponse to me, you queried about not knowing how to parent her with the constellation of issues. I imagine it is very hard. But, I was struck about your juxtapositon of being "pro breastfeeding" and then a lengthy posted concern about the habit of the baby. I think that, in your love and concern for your dd, you've fallen into a common trap that breastfeeding moms face. When they get stressed by life, many people "filter" that stress through the breastfeeding knowledge. It's human to fix things for hurting people, and it's maternal to fix things for the humans we mother. "Wean" is a common solution offered to breastfeeding moms. But, usually, breastfeeding isn't the problem and weaning isn't the solution. Suggesting weaning BECOMES a problem.

 

Your dd is in a season of life that is both a blessing (baby, and able to live in stability) and a challenge (all the rest). She's going to be tired, stressed, and challenged for a few years. She's going to be that way now, when the baby does wean, and for some time to come. There is nothing that will alleviate this stress. You can't fix this for her - and it's not yours to fix.

 

Please don't worry about "habits" and breastfeeding. Trust your dd to mother - you've taught her well. ;) Trust that she'll take what works FOR her based on your foundation. Support her in being the best mother SHE can be, with HER ideas, her strengths, her preferences. Look for ways to back off and to allow her to be an adult in your home. Look for the areas in which she is already meeting or exceeding adult expectations.

 

Let go of the food/weight issue. Just LOVE her. If it is more, you can't fix it anyway. If it is more, YOU trying to fix it is only going to stress the system. If it is more, the problem isn't food. Reporting to mom and dad isn't going to be the answer.

[mommymilkies]

It is normal for someone who had a baby and is skinny to still have a belly. I had a comment about when the baby is due once when I wasn't pregnant. I had tons of comments from people about my weight. It does not help to have lots of people commenting about it. It made feel terrible about myself. I know a lot of people who have toddlers who still wake 2-3 times at night. It isn't that out there. It is also normal for a toddler to not breastfeed when at dads but then want to when they are with their mom again.

 

 

I agree. Does she have a diastasis recti split? Many women do. It gives the Buddha belly look. ;)

[*LC]

To help with the sleeping issue. Has she thought of sleeping on her side next to the baby, so baby can feed whenever without really "waking" your daughter. I'm sure there are reasons against it, but I think their situation is unique and it might be stress-relieving for your daughter.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

OP, the post I was going to respond to has been changed, I believe?

 

My reply is going to look extra harsh out of context - so if you didn't read the original response from the OP, please understand I am responding to something that was posted and has been edited.

 

{{{hugs}}}

 

OP, I have been through a protracted family law battle while going to school and raising children. I was nearly 40, and I had a modicum of maturity and wisdom and it was STILL awful and exhausting.

 

In your reponse to me, you queried about not knowing how to parent her with the constellation of issues. I imagine it is very hard. But, I was struck about your juxtapositon of being "pro breastfeeding" and then a lengthy posted concern about the habit of the baby. I think that, in your love and concern for your dd, you've fallen into a common trap that breastfeeding moms face. When they get stressed by life, many people "filter" that stress through the breastfeeding knowledge. It's human to fix things for hurting people, and it's maternal to fix things for the humans we mother. "Wean" is a common solution offered to breastfeeding moms. But, usually, breastfeeding isn't the problem and weaning isn't the solution. Suggesting weaning BECOMES a problem.

 

Your dd is in a season of life that is both a blessing (baby, and able to live in stability) and a challenge (all the rest). She's going to be tired, stressed, and challenged for a few years. She's going to be that way now, when the baby does wean, and for some time to come. There is nothing that will alleviate this stress. You can't fix this for her - and it's not yours to fix.

 

Please don't worry about "habits" and breastfeeding. Trust your dd to mother - you've taught her well. ;) Trust that she'll take what works FOR her based on your foundation. Support her in being the best mother SHE can be, with HER ideas, her strengths, her preferences. Look for ways to back off and to allow her to be an adult in your home. Look for the areas in which she is already meeting or exceeding adult expectations.

 

Let go of the food/weight issue. Just LOVE her. If it is more, you can't fix it anyway. If it is more, YOU trying to fix it is only going to stress the system. If it is more, the problem isn't food. Reporting to mom and dad isn't going to be the answer.

 

This does not seem harsh to me, quite the contrary, and I appreciate your candor. Looking at a situation from a different point of view, one separated from the emotions and daily turmoil is always beneficial.

 

I guess the part in bold is one of the greatest problems for me. I do want to fix it and I know I cannot. Since she has voiced her concern, however, I cannot ignore it. She came to me and if I do not or cannot come up with at least a plan of action will I not have failed her? Isn't it my duty as her mother to guide her and at least provide options? Avenues to consider?

 

I cannot change her roles as daughter or mother. I cannot change the stigma, the carp she hears or the judgments she faces. I cannot change the attitudes of the baby's father, his family or girlfriend. I cannot influence the lawyers, the court system or the judges. I cannot stop the tears she cries when she looks at herself in the mirror and wonders when life will get better or if a man will ever love her. So I do what I can. I love her, every day I love her. I love her baby, more than I ever thought possible We provide a home, a safe place to come to when she feels beat up. I bite my tongue when I hear nasty rumors about DD and I cry when I hear rumors abou the baby daddy, his girlfriend and their plans. I smile when the baby's family comes to pick up the baby and I tell DD it's a good thing, DGD will love her for it when she's older. We help pay DD's bills and carry on with life as usual. We help her study when she asks for help and cheer with her when she earns a good grade. So I cannot help but worry and be concerned when I watch my beautiful girl go from 102 pounds in August to 98 at Christmas to 91 in Mid February. If any other person would have lost 10% of her body weight, without trying, in the span of three months, especially when 5% of that was lost in 6 weeks, it would be a cause for concern.

 

Yes, she saw a doctor and had a blood test and at that time it was normal. I had to look on our EOBs for the date and it was for her school sports physical in August. Maybe that's too long ago to carry much meaning at the moment and maybe it does need to be drawn again.

 

And yes, I may have fallen into the BFing trap but it is such an easy scapegoat. I believe that bfing is a beautiful thing and I am so proud of DD for choosing to BF when so many teen, unwed moms opt to use formula. However, I firmly believe that DD and DGD have formed bad habits with their bfing routine. DGD will not sleep without DD and the comfort of nursing(and yes, they co-sleep) When I have the baby for hours a day and she refuses to nap unless she nurses it makes for a difficult day. She waits until DD arrives and then runs to the couch, pats it, says "Nur, nur" and waits for DD to nurse her. I (and DH) have spent hours trying to get her to drink milk and rocking her to sleep.

 

--

 

I am sorry but I have to run out for a meeting for DS. I will come back to this later. I lost all track of time. Again, I apologize for the abrupt ending.

[VeganCupcake]

And yes, I may have fallen into the BFing trap but it is such an easy scapegoat. I believe that bfing is a beautiful thing and I am so proud of DD for choosing to BF when so many teen, unwed moms opt to use formula. However, I firmly believe that DD and DGD have formed bad habits with their bfing routine. DGD will not sleep without DD and the comfort of nursing(and yes, they co-sleep) When I have the baby for hours a day and she refuses to nap unless she nurses it makes for a difficult day. She waits until DD arrives and then runs to the couch, pats it, says "Nur, nur" and waits for DD to nurse her. I (and DH) have spent hours trying to get her to drink milk and rocking her to sleep.

 

--

 

I am sorry but I have to run out for a meeting for DS. I will come back to this later. I lost all track of time. Again, I apologize for the abrupt ending.

 

 

Gently, may I say that the breastfeeding is a problem for you and your DH as caregivers for the baby, but is a relationship that works for your DD and her baby. :hugs:

[Paige]

Since she has voiced her concern, however, I cannot ignore it. She came to me and if I do not or cannot come up with at least a plan of action will I not have failed her? Isn't it my duty as her mother to guide her and at least provide options? Avenues to consider?

 

 

No, you will not have failed her if you don't fix it. You can tell her that as many of us smaller ladies have attested, that this may be completely normal, and it will all work out in time. Tell her to keep doing her best, eat as healthy and as much as she can, and to relax.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Gently, may I say that the breastfeeding is a problem for you and your DH as caregivers for the baby, but is a relationship that works for your DD and her baby. :hugs:

 

You may say. ;) Thanks for the hug.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

 

Let go of the food/weight issue. Just LOVE her. If it is more, you can't fix it anyway. If it is more, YOU trying to fix it is only going to stress the system. If it is more, the problem isn't food. Reporting to mom and dad isn't going to be the answer.

 

(not trying to be controversial but asking sincere questions)

 

But how do I know if it is more? Do I wait until she loses more weight? Ignore it completely - "Pass the bean dip"- when she mentions it to me. Smile and say she looks great when her clothes are hanging off of her?

 

She doesn't report to us; well, she does but that's only with her work schedule so I know when I am needed to babysit. I just thought a food journal might be a good idea for her to track how much and when she eats. I was kind of brainstorming ideas on how to approach this situation and what to say to her and that was one idea.

 

We really haven't spoken much about the situation and I was truly hoping to gain some insight here before I approached her about things. Yes, I have made comments to her about bfing because it is bothersome for those who care for the baby.

[VeganCupcake]

 

(not trying to be controversial but asking sincere questions)

 

But how do I know if it is more? Do I wait until she loses more weight? Ignore it completely - "Pass the bean dip"- when she mentions it to me. Smile and say she looks great when her clothes are hanging off of her?

 

She doesn't report to us; well, she does but that's only with her work schedule so I know when I am needed to babysit. I just thought a food journal might be a good idea for her to track how much and when she eats. I was kind of brainstorming ideas on how to approach this situation and what to say to her and that was one idea.

 

We really haven't spoken much about the situation and I was truly hoping to gain some insight here before I approached her about things. Yes, I have made comments to her about bfing because it is bothersome for those who care for the baby.

 

I don't have adult children, but if she wants to talk to you about it, I would be a sounding board and help her think about some options, but I would not try to "fix" it, nor would I completely ignore it or lie to her about how she looks if she asks.

 

As for how to handle the baby care, I wonder what non-related childcare givers do with babies and toddlers like this. I don't know if they would refuse to continue caring for a child who wouldn't nap at all (I know that's not an option for you), or if they would put baby in a crib, close the door, and let her CIO for a nap (that's not a great option, either), or what exactly. Is there someone you know who does paid childcare that you could ask? Or maybe someone here could advise.

[bensonduck]

I have a 15 month old who definitely still needs a nap! What happens if you lay down with her and snuggle in a quiet room, looking at books when you notice her rubbing her eyes? White noise, rubbing her back if she likes that, a nice environment.

 

If you can catch her when she is tired, and are willing to lay down too, you may be able to get her to sleep. If you wait too long though, she may get a second wind and bounce off the walls.

 

Just a thought! This is a tough, busy, fun age. Have you read any of the articles at kellymom.com? They are a bfing advocacy group and have very useful info about all aspects of parenting and supporting a bfing mom and baby.

[mom2myboys]

It is possible that weaning could actually make the napping issue worse. The nursing is a source of comfort for baby (and mom) in a difficult situation. Taking away that anchor could be detrimental in other areas besides the napping as well. Also, it is possible to have a BF child that does not even nap well for the BFing mom. (I had one of those). What I found helpful was "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley (there is a book for infants and also one specifically for toddler and preschoolers). I was waiting too long to try to put my son down and even with nursing, he could not settle in for a nap when I missed his window. He needed a structured routine, a little earlier nap and bedtimes, and white noise during naptime. How old is the baby? Is she napping twice a day? My son needed his first nap to take place within 2 hours of being awake for the day. Maybe work with the timing to see if it helps. See if where she sleeps is actually conducive to sleep. Some kids can sleep anywhere, anytime (my oldest). Some kids need an environment that is dark with white noise. I would suggest treating this as a naptime issue rather than a BFing issue.