How would you respond to an email like this?

[Mommy22alyns]

Thank you all for responses! I should clarify that I was not the "someone" who received this email.

I know the "someone" who sent the email very well. I know she is hurting and has been hurting for a long time. She is withdrawing from the church because it is program-focused and not people-focused (I know...a common problem) and I think she feels that no one gives a rip about her unless they need something. She is considerate, has offered to help many people in difficult situations, but has been ignored apart from being called on for some sort of "ministry". I figure she should forget about the church altogether, but that's her choice. The email was sent to one person and never responded to, which probably just verifies her opinion of no one wanting to be her friend. She is definately not NPD and very quiet. I'm just wondering if what she said was out of line and socially unacceptable and that is why she did not get a response, or if the person who received the email was just so taken off guard and does not know what to do. So I was wondering how others might view the email. She has great long-distance friends (me!! Lol!) but after 5 years of trying to fit in, she is also tired of being left out (although she DID get an invite to an evening out!) and her kids have been hurt and left out by most of the other kids in the church. That would be my breaking point. Which brings me to another question about my kids and their church "friends", but I will have to post about that later.

 

Yeah....I am surprised about the non response she got (at least so far) from her so-called friend, but perhaps this was the wrong way to reach out? Although in times of desperation, having a bad day, hitting "send" without thinking it through, and yes...she struggles with depression, we respond in ways that are out of character for us. She deeply regrets sending the email. I told her to move on and she is, but not without a blow to her faith. Sad.

 

Thank you all for your replies!

 

 

If her so-called friend is the one who received the e-mail and didn't respond to it, I'd be pretty devastated too. That's very unkind. I know how she feels and it's so difficult to feel so alone. :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

Thank you all for responses! I should clarify that I was not the "someone" who received this email.

I know the "someone" who sent the email very well. I know she is hurting and has been hurting for a long time. She is withdrawing from the church because it is program-focused and not people-focused (I know...a common problem) and I think she feels that no one gives a rip about her unless they need something. She is considerate, has offered to help many people in difficult situations, but has been ignored apart from being called on for some sort of "ministry". I figure she should forget about the church altogether, but that's her choice. The email was sent to one person and never responded to, which probably just verifies her opinion of no one wanting to be her friend. She is definately not NPD and very quiet. I'm just wondering if what she said was out of line and socially unacceptable and that is why she did not get a response, or if the person who received the email was just so taken off guard and does not know what to do. So I was wondering how others might view the email. She has great long-distance friends (me!! Lol!) but after 5 years of trying to fit in, she is also tired of being left out (although she DID get an invite to an evening out!) and her kids have been hurt and left out by most of the other kids in the church. That would be my breaking point. Which brings me to another question about my kids and their church "friends", but I will have to post about that later.

 

Yeah....I am surprised about the non response she got (at least so far) from her so-called friend, but perhaps this was the wrong way to reach out? Although in times of desperation, having a bad day, hitting "send" without thinking it through, and yes...she struggles with depression, we respond in ways that are out of character for us. She deeply regrets sending the email. I told her to move on and she is, but not without a blow to her faith. Sad.

 

Thank you all for your replies!

 

The saddest part of all of this is that she hasn't been called yet. I saw this type of thing in church ALL THE TIME and always took it upon myself to make that call, invite that family over to dinner, invite that mom out with me and my other church friends.

 

I experienced the ugly trend of church becoming church focused and losing concern for their members.

 

I left the church four years ago and never, EVER plan to return. We did takr part in a home church for about a year, hosted every other week. It was the best "church" experience I have ever had.

 

There are a few pastor's wives on this board that I really like and deeply respect. i do know not all churches are like this and I never mean any disrespect towards anyone else. I hate to mention my experience because I don't want to hurt others, but my experience was that church was awful and ugly and man led and man centered.

[Slartibartfast]

I am sorry for your friend.

 

Church is for fellowship, support and growing in the Lord and if people are not getting any fellowship or support it is time to move on. But, I do think she ought to send a note to the preacher about how isolating his church is.

[Rebel Yell]

Thank you all for responses! I should clarify that I was not the "someone" who received this email.

I know the "someone" who sent the email very well. I know she is hurting and has been hurting for a long time. She is withdrawing from the church because it is program-focused and not people-focused (I know...a common problem) and I think she feels that no one gives a rip about her unless they need something. She is considerate, has offered to help many people in difficult situations, but has been ignored apart from being called on for some sort of "ministry". I figure she should forget about the church altogether, but that's her choice. The email was sent to one person and never responded to, which probably just verifies her opinion of no one wanting to be her friend. She is definately not NPD and very quiet. I'm just wondering if what she said was out of line and socially unacceptable and that is why she did not get a response, or if the person who received the email was just so taken off guard and does not know what to do. So I was wondering how others might view the email. She has great long-distance friends (me!! Lol!) but after 5 years of trying to fit in, she is also tired of being left out (although she DID get an invite to an evening out!) and her kids have been hurt and left out by most of the other kids in the church. That would be my breaking point. Which brings me to another question about my kids and their church "friends", but I will have to post about that later.

 

Yeah....I am surprised about the non response she got (at least so far) from her so-called friend, but perhaps this was the wrong way to reach out? Although in times of desperation, having a bad day, hitting "send" without thinking it through, and yes...she struggles with depression, we respond in ways that are out of character for us. She deeply regrets sending the email. I told her to move on and she is, but not without a blow to her faith. Sad.

 

Thank you all for your replies!

 

:grouphug: to your friend,and to you for being her friend.

 

The boded above is exactly why one of my children is leaving our church, :crying:and I am pretty close to it myself. :banghead:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm so sorry for your friend. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: (Which I know doesn't help her directly but perhaps you can pass it on.)

[thebacabunch]

If someone sent someone else an email about their kids doing art work for a local fundraiser for a children's hospital as well as an invite to join a large group of women celebrate the birthdays of 2 women in the church and it was responded with something along the lines of...

I have not been able to do any art projects with my kids because I am not doing well. As for the birthday, I don't think I should go because going would just reinforce my belief that no one there values having a relationship with me, so it's best for me if I pass....

 

Would you respond to that? Or just drop it? Or what?

This e-mail was an invitation to do not one but 2 things. To be involved with a fundraiser, which is a normal activity for a church, and to go to a birthday party. Good grief I would not know how to respond to this. If it were just the part about the art project I would definately respond by asking what is wrong and trying to help if I could. Adding the part about not wanting to celebrate other people's birthday because no one celebrated mine sounds childish. If my kid said something like that I wouldn't reinforce the behavior by coddling them.

[Denisemomof4]

This e-mail was an invitation to do not one but 2 things. To be involved with a fundraiser, which is a normal activity for a church, and to go to a birthday party. Good grief I would not know how to respond to this. If it were just the part about the art project I would definately respond by asking what is wrong and trying to help if I could. Adding the part about not wanting to celebrate other people's birthday because no one celebrated mine sounds childish. If my kid said something like that I wouldn't reinforce the behavior by coddling them.

 

While I agree, I have seen people in those situations who stopped attending church events because once there, just like at church, they were ignored. They were uncomfortable and lonely despite trying to reach out and make connections. It is commonplace in the church, like it is in many other settings, but it is most unacceptable at church and church functions IMO. All too often people have their friends at church and don't have the time for new ones. I many, many times worked on the ministry teams to help people like the ones mentioned here. But even in good churches, the pastors and elders realized they functioned as a closed group and weren't good at letting others in, and that trickled down to others. Just a huge group of cliques.:glare:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Church is a local collection of people who are in the body of Christ. We are supposed to be family. We are supposed to be known by our love. Ignoring people, refusing to "coddle them" and being rude is not loving. You don't have to be best friends or even personal friends with people in church. But if you know that someone is hurting or even has the possibility of hurting you don't ignore them. If you can't reach out to them yourself, at least let someone else know of the need. Yes, sometimes people are not very loveable. Sometimes they are socially dysfunctional. Sometimes they cross boundaries. Sometimes they are passive-aggressive. But reaching out to others is not a function of someone with the label of "pastor". It is the job of everyone in the church.

[8circles]

Church is a local collection of people who are in the body of Christ. We are supposed to be family. We are supposed to be known by our love. Ignoring people, refusing to "coddle them" and being rude is not loving. You don't have to be best friends or even personal friends with people in church. But if you know that someone is hurting or even has the possibility of hurting you don't ignore them. If you can't reach out to them yourself, at least let someone else know of the need. Yes, sometimes people are not very loveable. Sometimes they are socially dysfunctional. Sometimes they cross boundaries. Sometimes they are passive-aggressive. But reaching out to others is not a function of someone with the label of "pastor". It is the job of everyone in the church.

 

:iagree:

[Soror]

Church is a local collection of people who are in the body of Christ. We are supposed to be family. We are supposed to be known by our love. Ignoring people, refusing to "coddle them" and being rude is not loving. You don't have to be best friends or even personal friends with people in church. But if you know that someone is hurting or even has the possibility of hurting you don't ignore them. If you can't reach out to them yourself, at least let someone else know of the need. Yes, sometimes people are not very loveable. Sometimes they are socially dysfunctional. Sometimes they cross boundaries. Sometimes they are passive-aggressive. But reaching out to others is not a function of someone with the label of "pastor". It is the job of everyone in the church.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Denisemomof4]

Church is a local collection of people who are in the body of Christ. We are supposed to be family. We are supposed to be known by our love. Ignoring people, refusing to "coddle them" and being rude is not loving. You don't have to be best friends or even personal friends with people in church. But if you know that someone is hurting or even has the possibility of hurting you don't ignore them. If you can't reach out to them yourself, at least let someone else know of the need. Yes, sometimes people are not very loveable. Sometimes they are socially dysfunctional. Sometimes they cross boundaries. Sometimes they are passive-aggressive. But reaching out to others is not a function of someone with the label of "pastor". It is the job of everyone in the church.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Is there a head of women't ministry at the church your friend attends, OP? If so, I really hope someone contacts her. I did this sort of thing all the time.

 

The one thing my last pastor said that stood out to me and I agreed with was when he told everyone to stop looking to him to take care of things but to look horizontally, look to the other church members.

 

The problem I regularly saw in all churches was that even then, only a small group of people ever got involved, and even a SMALLER group really cared enough about people to show true Christian love.

[thebacabunch]

I actually stand by my opinion. Perhaps it is a reflection of a weakness of mine. I am open to some self reflection here.

 

I have very strong beliefs in my church. No church group is going to run me off no matter how cliquey they are. I visit people on a weekly basis. I call and text people on a daily basis to check on them and to give comfort where needed. I minister to the sick and serve the poor. I try my very best to live my religion. I am certainly imperfect.

 

All the above being said, I have been in at least a half dozen situations where I have responded to situations like the email out of love and kindness and have been taken advantage of and sucked emotionally dry. There are those that get attention by making others feel guilty. They victimize people who mean well. It happens all the time. My red flags are waving with the email and no doubt it is because of my own baggage. I tend to not respond well to people who try to guilt me into feeling sorry for them.

 

I have been in situations where I have been forgotten or asked to do more than I was able. I don't respond to the former, we are all human and I know i don't always do and remember others the way I should. I let it go. When I am not able I feel the urge to lash out and have learned to say politely "I wish I could, I just have too much on my plate right now."

 

Only the friend of the op can know what kind of person that is. If someone acted this way uncharacteristically I would be the first person lined up to try and help. If that person regularly pouted to get attention I would ignore it. I am weak and can't handle it.

 

All of our responses are based on conjecture. I am happy to see so many nice people in the world who responded in a much more loving way than I did. I feel a little less jaded now.:001_smile:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I actually stand by my opinion. Perhaps it is a reflection of a weakness of mine. I am open to some self reflection here.

 

I have very strong beliefs in my church. No church group is going to run me off no matter how cliquey they are. I visit people on a weekly basis. I call and text people on a daily basis to check on them and to give comfort where needed. I minister to the sick and serve the poor. I try my very best to live my religion. I am certainly imperfect.

 

All the above being said, I have been in at least a half dozen situations where I have responded to situations like the email out of love and kindness and have been taken advantage of and sucked emotionally dry. There are those that get attention by making others feel guilty. They victimize people who mean well. It happens all the time. My red flags are waving with the email and no doubt it is because of my own baggage. I tend to not respond well to people who try to guilt me into feeling sorry for them.

 

I have been in situations where I have been forgotten or asked to do more than I was able. I don't respond to the former, we are all human and I know i don't always do and remember others the way I should. I let it go. When I am not able I feel the urge to lash out and have learned to say politely "I wish I could, I just have too much on my plate right now."

 

Only the friend of the op can know what kind of person that is. If someone acted this way uncharacteristically I would be the first person lined up to try and help. If that person regularly pouted to get attention I would ignore it. I am weak and can't handle it.

 

All of our responses are based on conjecture. I am happy to see so many nice people in the world who responded in a much more loving way than I did. I feel a little less jaded now.:001_smile:

 

Responding to an e-mail to find out what prompted the response does not mean that you have to lay aside all boundaries and let yourself be sucked dry. Responding to the e-mail could be as simple as passing it on to a pastor who is in charge of spiritual care, if the church is big enough for such a designation. Responding to people based on conjecture - and I mean this not in the sense of how we responded here on a message board but the kind of conjecture that would lead someone irl to not even respond to a potentially hurting person is wrong.

[happyhomemaker]

Church is a local collection of people who are in the body of Christ. We are supposed to be family. We are supposed to be known by our love. Ignoring people, refusing to "coddle them" and being rude is not loving. You don't have to be best friends or even personal friends with people in church. But if you know that someone is hurting or even has the possibility of hurting you don't ignore them. If you can't reach out to them yourself, at least let someone else know of the need. Yes, sometimes people are not very loveable. Sometimes they are socially dysfunctional. Sometimes they cross boundaries. Sometimes they are passive-aggressive. But reaching out to others is not a function of someone with the label of "pastor". It is the job of everyone in the church.

 

This was beautifully put.

 

Helping doesn't mean you have no boundaries. Yes, there are some people who take advantage of kindness and concern, but I don't think that should make us unwilling to reach out. And remember that you don't have to care for a person alone. The body of Christ is a body for a reason.