BIL getting married, sister died 8 mos ago!

[NittanyJen]

First of all, hugs to you, and I am so sorry for your loss.

 

Nobody can take the place of your sister, and this woman may not be trying to do so. Everyone grieves differently, and there is no one "appropriate" period of time of enforced aloneness after a loss that one must endure. Even if your BIL remarries, that does not mean he will leave behind the love for your sister, his marriage, and his memories of her.

 

My own sister lost her husband suddenly and tragically, way too young, when they still had young kids at home. Out of the blue, and not knowing anything about the loss of her husband, she was contacted (not romantically or 'searching'-- just saying 'hi, what's up with you?') by an old high school flame, and less than a year after the loss of my BIL, my sister was remarried.

 

Her new husband has ENCOURAGED her to keep photos and mementos of her former husband around, particularly for the benefit of the children. He even helped her son (whom he has in the intervening years adopted) write letters to his Dad and "send them off" (by burning, etc) on the anniversary of my BIL's death, his birthday, etc. When my sister has some down days, when the memory of the way he died or their former anniversary hit, he respects her grief, and the love they shared. He does not in any way try to fill my BIL's shoes or erase the former marriage and relationship; he honors it and respects that it was a big part of my sister's life and the lives of their kids.

 

They have a new life together, and he has been an amazing source of strength in helping my sister put her life back together again after a devastating loss. He has been a wonderful influence on the lives of my nephews and grand-niece and nephew, and is now a welcome member of the family. He is a wonderful man in his own right, and that fact does NOT diminish the fact that her former husband was also a wonderful man who loved her and their children. My deceased BIL is not forgotten or lesser; he is deceased and my sister is living and needs to go on living. It would not make sense to do so alone when there is someone to make a life with that is good for her.

 

I think about my deceased BIL, his attitude toward life and how he lived his life. He lived each day fully, and took opportunities when he found them. He reached out and took care of others when they needed help. He saw that peoples' needs were fulfilled when he could do so. I truly believe he would not want my sister suffering alone just so that "other people" would feel she was respecting him somehow now that he is gone. He would want her to live in the now, in today's reality, which involves the fact that he is no longer here. Because he loved her, he would want her to be happy, safe, and secure.

 

I understand your shock. But please understand, your BIL is not disrespecting your sister in any way by realizing that he is still alive. I did not have the honor of knowing your sister, but I would be surprised if she would want him to be lonely and unhappy for her. If he dates or marries another, even close in time to the loss of your sister, this does not require setting aside his memories of your sister, his love for her, or his honoring of her. He will likely continue to love her for the rest of his life, even as he realizes the need to continue on and to live the rest of his life, as unfairly separated from her as he was all too soon.

 

I hope some of that makes sense. It likely does not make it easier, as grief is funny that way (not ha ha funny). Grief has its own timetable for each person, and that timetable is usually not linear-- it goes backwards and forwards, often at inconvenient times, sometimes up and down or in stomach twisting spirals. I just ask you to consider that your grief journey will be different from his, because your relationship to your sister is different from his relation ship to your sister; his was not trivial or less than yours, but different, and one person cannot fairly judge another's grief.

 

Hugs again. None of this is ever easy.

[Harriet Vane]

Wow! Thank you so much Hive for all of your support! I truly appreciate all of your help and thoughts on the matter.

 

I had a long, tearful (on both sides) phone conversation with my BIL. I told him that this is all very fast, and that I would think that it was fast even if my sister had not just passed. 6 months isn't a very long time to know someone, after all. He said he understand my ambivalence, and he's okay with it, he just really wants me to be part of his life.

 

Which I am, and I will continue to be. It is just a very difficult situation- I think he's running from the reality of my sister's death and I think he thinks he will save this girl. She is 12 years younger than him, with a 14 yr old daughter (who hates BIL) and has been "platonically" living with her dd's bio dad all these years. I don't know if that's true or not (the platonic part) but it seems pretty Jerry Springerish to me. The bio dad is not happy about the situation, and he and the daughter seem to be a united front on the issue. On the flip side, BIL is a dedicated Christian man who has met and apparently been approved of, by new woman's parents and aunt and uncle. He asked her father for her hand in marriage and the father gave his blessing.

 

Part of my problem, as some astute members of the Hive have figured out, is that I have not, and may not ever, get over my sister's death. We were best friends, and her passing has left a huge hole in my life. Here is a little background info on me: I am the baby of a blended family of 4. I don't really talk to either one of my brothers, for various (valid) reasons, and my sister, who was 8 1/2years older, and I were very close. She and I shared a room the first10 years of my life, until she went away to college. I grew up, married a moron, and left him (after I got a call from his girlfriend) when I was 5 months pregnant. I left my husband Feb 10, my mom passed from cancer on April 21, and my daughter was born on June 20, all in 1997. Three years later, my dad died of a post-operative blood clot. My sister was my rock through it all, and we were really the only immediate family that either of us had left.

 

I was blessed blessed blessed when God sent hubby my way, and we have been together for 12 years. He has raised my daughter and is a wonderful husband and father. I was really thinking that I would be alone the rest of my life, my daughter, my dog and myself, and I did not go out looking for a new mate. I actually was set up to meet my husband by being invited to a party thrown to introduce us, completely without my knowledge. I am telling you this stuff to give you a picture of my mentality and how I live my life. I just assumed that I would go on with my life, alone, and that was the way it was.

 

Which is definitely part of the reason I understand mentally (kind of) that BIL needs someone. Needs someone to take care of, and needs someone to love. But I don't think that way, so it makes it weird to me- does that make sense? I'm more of a stand on my own two feet kind of girl, I guess. Although before, I was always standing on my own two feet with my sister to catch me if I fell...

 

I don't think I need therapy to get through this loss, I know it will take time. But I also think I will never fully recover from it, because she was so much a part of my life from early on. You expect to bury your parents, but not necessarily your siblings.

 

As for my BIL's new woman, I agree in many ways with Cat in that my first instinct is distrust. It seems so weird to me that a woman would go after a man whose wife had been dead for 2 months, but I don't understand women who have affairs with married men either. Aren't some things off limits? And the more I know, the weirder her situation seems. I think they are both running from their situations and think of each other as their savior.

 

I will continue to support BIL, I am hoping and praying that this really will be a wonderful thing for him. Fingers crossed! As for me, I will play nice so that I will be able to be a surrogate grandparent to my sister's grandchildren. She died before either one of her kids had a chance to have a child, and I want to be part of their lives.

 

Don't know if I can go to a wedding though...

 

Thanks again, Hive- :grouphug:

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm sorry it's so hard. I'm sure you truly miss your sister.

 

That said, I am now concerned about BIL's gf based on what you have written in your post. The fact that gf lives with the father of her child raises all kinds of red flags.

[WishboneDawn]

Part of my problem, as some astute members of the Hive have figured out, is that I have not, and may not ever, get over my sister's death.

 

You won't. At least not in the way that things will get back to the normal they were before she passed. And that's absolutely fine. They shouldn't go back to that normal. But you will deal with it in your own way and it won't hurt so much to think about her loss later on.

 

I wish, in so many ways, that my brother was still alive. He died almost 3 years ago but running into people who knew him is still a shock. Hearing my parents and siblings call my son by his name (he was named after my brother) still gives me a painful pause because for 33 years it was my brother they were talking about when they used that name. And every once in awhile I see some young man with his young child and I think for a minute, "That's Lauchie!". And writing all this, it hurts. I want him back.

 

But it does get better, it really does.

 

Meanwhile, your poor BIL is caught up in the same storm you're in and looking for his own ways to deal with this. This may be a dumb move or it may not but stick by him regardless. He'll need you either way.

 

I wish I could come over and have a cup of tea with you. :grouphug:

[Nestof3]

:grouphug:

 

I understand you are grieving. Your relationship with your sister is, though, separate from her husband's. It is possible that their marriage had not been great for years prior to her death. Perhaps they were lonely together for years.

 

In the end, his relationship is about his happiness -- not yours. I hope you can take this in the kind way I am intending.

[runbikeswim]

Just want to say your story brought tears to my yes. I am sorry for your loss. And a little worried for your BIL who seems to have found himself in an odd situation with this lady. I was very understanding of the situation from your OP, but your update seems like he should be wary of this new woman.

 

But there isnt anything you can do but hope and pray for the best. Hugs to you:grouphug:

[LMA]

We were just talking about this general issue with relatives yesterday. So this is a slightly different perspective. My FIL, who is 81, said it was common in previous generations to have a short mourning period and to remarry to have company or to find a mother/father for the young children who are left. Life was a lot shorter in previous generations and there was a lot of motivation to find another spouse quickly so that you didn't spend the rest of your life lonely. My FIL gave specific stories about relatives from previous generations, some whom he actually knew. My MIL's sister was married 3 times, within a year of the death of the previous husband. She wanted companionship.

[Teresa in MO]

Two months after my mom passed away (23 years ago) my dad started dating a woman and went on to marry her right after the year anniversary of my mom's death. It was hard, but some people just can't be alone. They were married almost twenty years before she passed away unexpectedly. Two months before she died I told her that I was very glad my dad had her all those years. My dad passed away at the beginning of July. My best friend told me that people who had good marriages are most likely to remarry within the first couple of years.

[kitten18]

I cannot even imagine how difficult this must be. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

 

Just want to say your story brought tears to my yes. I am sorry for your loss. And a little worried for your BIL who seems to have found himself in an odd situation with this lady. I was very understanding of the situation from your OP, but your update seems like he should be wary of this new woman.

 

But there isnt anything you can do but hope and pray for the best. Hugs to you:grouphug:

:iagree:

[Catwoman]

It is just a very difficult situation- I think he's running from the reality of my sister's death and I think he thinks he will save this girl. She is 12 years younger than him, with a 14 yr old daughter (who hates BIL) and has been "platonically" living with her dd's bio dad all these years. I don't know if that's true or not (the platonic part) but it seems pretty Jerry Springerish to me. The bio dad is not happy about the situation, and he and the daughter seem to be a united front on the issue.

 

Sounds Jerry Springer-ish to me, too. And why do people always swear up and down that they're still living with the other guy... but it's completely platonic? :glare:

 

On the flip side, BIL is a dedicated Christian man who has met and apparently been approved of, by new woman's parents and aunt and uncle. He asked her father for her hand in marriage and the father gave his blessing.

 

Why wouldn't they approve of him? He sounds like a great guy, and bio dad might be a complete moron. Her parents might be thrilled that she found someone else to marry... or anyone else, for that matter.

 

 

As for my BIL's new woman, I agree in many ways with Cat in that my first instinct is distrust. It seems so weird to me that a woman would go after a man whose wife had been dead for 2 months, but I don't understand women who have affairs with married men either. Aren't some things off limits? And the more I know, the weirder her situation seems. I think they are both running from their situations and think of each other as their savior.

 

I'm less concerned about the time than I am about her living with her ex, and her dd hating your BIL. Someone should seriously consider checking into her background and her financial situation before your BIL puts a wedding ring on her finger. I know that only tex-mex and I were suspicious of her motives, and I'm sure we both hope we're wrong, but there are certainly red flags here. Perhaps you can convince your BIL that a long engagement would be best... you know... so he can win over the woman's dd.... or any other excuse you can come up with! ;)

 

 

That said, I am now concerned about BIL's gf based on what you have written in your post. The fact that gf lives with the father of her child raises all kinds of red flags.

 

:iagree: