Help -- Parenting an aggressive preschooler

[Momling]

I've begun to realize that my current bag of parenting tricks that have worked with my kids are simply not effective with our 3 year old foster son. He comes from a background of neglect and abuse and almost certainly has some serious attachment issues. Our biggest problem is that he bites or pinches or hits or kicks me or my kids or the cat a lot -- maybe 5-10 times a day. Sometimes out of excitement, but mostly when asked to do something he doesn't want to do. I'm good at predicting and avoiding his bite, but my kids and the cat are not. He's otherwise a sweet and charming little guy - and we do feel a commitment to care for him until reunification/permanent home is found. So help me help him!

 

I've exhausted what I can do and I need advice...

 

Consequences such as time-outs is what I typically resort to. But it's just not working because he doesn't actually care where he is. He just hangs out happily wherever. Even if he had been eating a popsicle or doing something fun, when I remove him from that -- he just goes with it. Also, I don't think he cares that he hurts someone -- so it's hard to engage any sense of consequence when the action -> consequence is meaningless.

 

Ignoring the situation and giving no reaction hasn't worked as he doesn't seem into it for the attention. He just continues with his business.

 

Discussion and songs or books about biting are useless as his biting seems pretty instinctual and not with intention.

 

I can guarantee charts or reward systems are not going to be successful as it's hard to reward *not biting* And he's not really thinking about what he's going to do in advance.

 

Spanking and biting back are a definite no.

 

So brainstorm with me... Is there something specific I can do or do I just need to wait this out -- keep providing a stable, healthy, loving home and hope he outgrows it?

[TammyS]

He's otherwise a sweet and charming little guy -

 

<snip>

 

Also, I don't think he cares that he hurts someone -- so it's hard to engage any sense of consequence when the action -> consequence is meaningless.

 

 

 

 

You say he's a sweet kid, yet also that it doesn't seem that he cares if he hurts some one. I think if the first is true, then maybe the second isn't. Maybe he doesn't realize he's really hurt someone. He is still very young for language to be very effective, maybe even has delays due to his background.

 

Sooooo, I'm going to suggest a little puppy training. When puppies bite each other, they yelp when it's too hard. It develops bite inhibition (the ability to control the force of the bite and to know that real biting hurts). Puppy owners can use the same thing to teach puppies not to bite their hands (which puppies, without maliciousness, love to do).

 

Maybe try the same things with the kid? When he bites, yelp, LOUD. Exaggerate. Train the kids to do the same. Look at him in a really shocked and sad way, then walk away from him.

 

I don't know that it will work for sure, but it might be worth trying.

[Chris in VA]

Maybe some more sensory input would help him? Can you burrito roll him, give him lots of pressure, give him a chewie around his neck? How about lots of swinging (even playing with two people swinging him in a "banana" of a sheet hammock?)

[twinsmomx2]

His issues sound similar to my DS (he is 4.5). He doesn't hit a lot but can get aggressive when he is angry and doesn't get his way. He will grab me, hit or kick at me, and will grab and bear hug his siblings when he is mad at them. He has sensory processing disorder and is on the autism spectrum (diagnosed PDD-NOS, ver high functioning).

 

I have found that getting angry, time-outs, and the like only fuel his anger and make it worse. Punishment doesn't seem to help. What usually works is a calm voice and and explanation fo why what he is doing is wrong. Also, sometimes he is just in sensory overlaod and needs me to hug him and hush at him to calm him down.

 

This may be what your little one needs. He is probably only doing this behavior as an attention seeking strategy. For kids like him and his history, an attention (even bad) is better than none. And he is so young that he doesn't know that he doesn't need to do that w/you. So, my advice would be to give him love when he does this stuff. I know, it sounds counter intuitive or counterproductive but children of neglect only want love and acting out is their way of trying to get it. You won't be letting things go or sending a message that aggressive behavior is ok. He will probably come to realize very soon that he doesn't need to do that anymore because you love him and his behavior will improve.

 

I hope this all makes sense. I can just relate to what you're going through and it is hard to deal with calmly. But it usually is the best approach.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Behavior is communication. It communicates that he is in a place of love or a place of fear (hence why he can be the sweetest boy and so violent also).

 

He is communicating in the best way for him at the time, usually based on a more primal level which was inhibited in growth due to neglect and abuse. When he is denied something, he may actually feel it as deeply as a NEED being denied as it was so often in the past. He may feel deep inside that it is going to hurt severely, even that he may DIE. This is not something he can control. His behavior is just what he uses to fix this extreme fear.

 

Bring him in close----

---- Time-Ins when something goes wrong. Empathize. Give him words. When ever all is calm again, help him choose what he could do instead. Re-do appropriately.

---- "Cuddle Times" - Bryan Post calls it 10-20-10...there are two versions of it. But basically, the idea is planned times of focused time to connect, attach, ground, regulate.

----- Tomato Staking - many kids this age just need a pretty tight leash anyway as they are learning social norms. Moms keep kiddos close in order to help child be successful, to coach child as necessary, to make correction swift as well as as positive as possible.

Love and Logic Magic for the Preschool Years has some *really* good ideas for extra gentle correction (uh-oh) and prevention and teaching thinking skills. It shows how to give choices in a way that gives kids AND parents power. It *way* overuses time out, but as a foster parent, you probably know not to do that.

 

Another one I *love* is Raising a Thinking Child by Myrna Shure. This is a fun thing your whole family can get into (well, maybe not the cat so much :wink: ). It'll help him think things through better so he won't get as dysregulated in the first place, will problem solve from the get-go, etc. It takes time but it is worth it. And best - IT IS FUN!

 

ETA: I remembered pretty fast :) It is important to remember that discipline whether setting him up for success, prevention, discussion, reading books, time-ins, punishment (not that I'm suggesting that), logical consequences, any correction, coaching, etc is NOT about changing his behavior NOW, but is like watering a plant; it is to help him grow IN TIME. Of course, you can't let him hurt others and you'll want to prevent that completely in order to extinguish the behavior *in time* (he'll still have the propensity for however long he will, but not the experience). But in time, the discipline (teaching and guidance) will sink in. It is the long term that REALLY matters. So don't give up on all the things you are doing thinking they aren't helping! Inculcation takes TIME and persistence and constancy and consistency. :)

 

ETA2: BTW, I completely agree with the sensory stuff though. A LOT of kids need more physical activity, sensory activity, and mental/physical challenge. We could not stay sane in this house with four very high need littles from fostercare (3 adopted just last week!) without doing these things. We push the envelope with these things. We wear them out. We play with them A LOT. But we also have them outside A LOT even though it is still over 100 degrees at 7pm. We have them playing HARD. We have an area in the house for gymnastics. We do a lot of sensory type play as well as more specific sensory related activities. We do a lot of "afterschooling" (which will now be homeschooling) well above their level. My recently turned 4yo has taught adults things about geography, for example. My 6yo started gymnastics in May (I think) and is doing level 2 stuff (which may be normal, I don't know, but it is good for HER); she gets a challenge and works hard til she masters it (for example, kicking over from a bridge which really took her a little work). For my oldest son, we bent up his training wheels starting at age 2 and taught him to climb the fence (under rules, of course). He was a math whiz. Gotta find what works for each kid. I always say that foster kids seem to be the cutest and smartest. My baby's attorney thinks it is more that we find what each individual child needs and run with it. I think they had to have the potential available in the first place (for example, we've sent two 20month olds home knowing most/all their letter sounds by sight). This isn't pushing, but a few minutes a day to keep their minds busy on positive skills/tools rather than using their powers for "evil" LOL.

Edited August 3, 2012 by 2J5M9K

[Gentlemommy]

:grouphug: I'd try as much as possible (I know it's HARD!!!) to keep him close to you. Like within five feet. Involve him in all your daily chores, tasks, ect. :grouphug:

[clarkacademy]

I just want to say upfront this was not planned it just happened. So no flaming. My son has autism and as a toddler he was a horrible biter I mean really bad. He broke skin it was bad leave the daycare bad. We tried everything you can imagine even swatted his bum. Nothing worked. Everyone said bit him but no way was I putting my teeth on my kid. How totally barbaric.

 

We were at a park, he was playing in this sand box thing and a bunch of kids showed up. I was nursing my younger one so I called for him cause I just knew. Right as I was trying to get my baby off me and pull my shirt down a kids ball came out of no where and smacked my infant. I mean bloody face hard. So of course I was in shock my babies mouth and nose were bloody.

 

Trying to take care of him when I hear screamning......yep oldest had bit some little boy. Well this little boy was having none of that he bit him back. So we have a bloody infant, two bit kids, and upteen moms apologizing to each other. I left and once he stopped crying in the car on the way home he got very quiet. While I was taking him out he said bites hurt. He never bit again.

 

I asked the therapist about it and she said that with his mindset he had to feel not hear that it hurt. Maybe if you asked him if he would like to get bit he may think twice? I am in no way saying someone should bite your kid just put him in that place and maybe he could understand he wouldn't like it.

[dbmamaz]

You might want to check out this blog. She has some adopted kids with attachment issues and has just FANTASTIC parenting ideas for esp difficult kids (not sure she had them as toddlers tho). This links to her therapeutic parenting portion of her website. the blog has been less about parenting recently

 

http://www.welcometomybrain.net/p/therapeutic-parenting.html

[Guest gardensparrow]

Sorry you're having so many struggles with your foster son. :( I know behavior issues like these can take their toll on the whole family! But, it's great you're willing to open up your home to a child who so obviously needs some love and care. So, my first thought on reading your post was to wonder if there's a counselor or doctor you could discuss your concerns with? If his behavior is related to attachment issues, they could probably guide you on how you can respond most effectively to him. Also, if you're interested, I work at Focus on the Family and recently heard a talk there from Dr. Karyn Purvis who specializes in helping children with attachment issues. She has a lot of great material available for parents in your shoes. In particular, the book The Connected Child might be helpful to you. There's also some information available from her on this website at http://bit.ly/N7FWon. Specifically, the section on "Compassion and Behavior Intervention" might help with your situation. So, just FYI-I hope it's useful. In the meantime, I'm praying for you!

[LostSurprise]

Maybe a very physical consequence that he can see (but not physical punishment)?

 

A jar with candies.

A box with books or paints or playdoh.

A jar with dimes or quarters in it (if he has an understanding of money).

 

The jar with objects in it (whatever he would be excited about and you don't mind) belongs to him. Show it to him. Tell him he gets everything in the jar/box at the end of the day. Every time he hurts someone 1 object is removed from the jar. Look sad. Once you finish comforting who got hurt (model for him, keep him there) sit with him on your knee. Tell him you're very sad. Tell him you as a family don't hurt people. If he's old enough to understand, ask him if he likes being hurt. Ask him to bite his hand or run the hand (moderate pressure) against his teeth to show him how it feels. Tell him that you must remove 1 object because he hurt someone. Have him watch you do that. Say, its too bad, now there are less, but you're sure the rest of the day will be better. How exciting at the end of the day when he gets his jar!

 

I know some kids have trouble with abstract ideas (someone else's pain, why they're being punished, what it means). Having physical objects he enjoys and removing them is a consequence he can understand until those skills develop.

 

Also, you can do positive reinforcement. Watch carefully when he's hurting people. If you can predict when he's going to hit you should be able to teach him how to moderate those emotions.

 

Recognize and tell him "I see you're getting angry" or "I see you're getting excited." If necessary, separate him from people he could hurt.

 

Teach him how to verbalize how he feels.

 

Walk through what comes next step by step. When he can recognize his feelings show him what is appropriate behavior when he feels this way. Instead of impulsive hitting give him a new way to end the feeling. Maybe he could jump on a mini-trampoline or do 10 jumping jacks or growl or howl like a dog or hug someone or draw a picture of what's bothering him.

 

When you recognize situations where he could impulsively hurt someone and he doesn't (either it doesn't occur to him OR he does one of the other actions) give him a penny to put in a jar. On the jar put pictures. One penny could be a book read to him. Two could be 30 minutes of video game time. Three could be a park visit. Five a video from the library. You decide what works for you and what he likes.

 

I'm using this system on my youngest who has impulsive aggression. Its a mix between a school reward program we were doing earlier and suggestions from his pediatric psychologist.

Edited August 3, 2012 by LostSurprise

[Momling]

Thank you all for your ideas and support and comiseration!

 

Behavior is communication. It communicates that he is in a place of love or a place of fear (hence why he can be the sweetest boy and so violent also).

 

He is communicating in the best way for him at the time, usually based on a more primal level which was inhibited in growth due to neglect and abuse. When he is denied something, he may actually feel it as deeply as a NEED being denied as it was so often in the past. He may feel deep inside that it is going to hurt severely, even that he may DIE. This is not something he can control. His behavior is just what he uses to fix this extreme fear.

 

Bring him in close----

---- Time-Ins when something goes wrong. Empathize. Give him words. When ever all is calm again, help him choose what he could do instead. Re-do appropriately.

---- "Cuddle Times" - Bryan Post calls it 10-20-10...there are two versions of it. But basically, the idea is planned times of focused time to connect, attach, ground, regulate.

----- Tomato Staking - many kids this age just need a pretty tight leash anyway as they are learning social norms. Moms keep kiddos close in order to help child be successful, to coach child as necessary, to make correction swift as well as as positive as possible.

 

 

I'd like to hear more about "time in" and cuddle time. When he first came to us he was super affectionate but these days, he often hates if I touch him. When he is angry, he will lash out at me if I even sit near him. It's not a tantrum - which he rarely (if ever) has done - it's more of a cornered wild animal type response. There are a few times (around bed time and waking up time) that we snuggle, but the rest of the day, he typically refuses to hold my hand or allow himself to be touched or hugged or kissed by me. I do try to get it in where I can, of course... But should a parent use these techniques if they elicit more aggression?