s/o For those who let their kids work it out on their own...

[2squared]

Does your older usually come out on top? If not, why not? If so, are you OK with that? Why? (This is not a snarky question. I have run into situations with my kids where they could have used more experience with the bigger-on-top-usually-wins concept.)

 

In our medium-sized stair-step family, the older kids almost always come out on top. They are physically bigger which intimidates the youngers, they have stronger verbal abilities, and they are wiser (as in sneakier and more manipulative). When I try to let them work it out, the results are based on who has the upper hand rather than the right, fair, or truly agreed upon solution.

 

I was able to complete a little scientific research regarding this issue. I polled a small, closely spaced family (me with a 14mo younger bro) and see the exact same situation in that family. I polled a large family of close and large spaced kids (my dh - 4th of 9) and he reported the same for his family. From dh's response, I gather that the younger kids may have disliked the "work it out yourself" approach more than the older kids. :D

 

I am truly wanting to know how others teach their kids to work things out without the olders taking advantage of the youngers.

[SailorMom]

We did this in stages. They thought we were letting them work it out on their own for a long time - but we were in the background listening to the whole thing, and would find a way to step in if needed.

As they got older, we watched. We waited to see if one was more of a bully, wanted to see if what we were teaching them was working. But - even now, as we pretty much stay out of it, I do find myself pulling one of them aside to discuss their behavior and make them go change the "outcome".

Just like anything else, this is a learning process for them, and they can't learn unless they are taught.

Amazingly, my two teen boys have only ever once gone to physical blows since they've been about 9, and that was after a plane wreck, my DH having to leave with 2 days notice because of it (Air Force), and our dog needing to be put to sleep. Needless to say - nerves were a bit shot all over.

Anyway, they do tend to do a good job about 90% of the time. the other 10% - well - I've gotten very creative in my methods of slyly intervening :)

[IsabelC]

FWIW, out of three kids my middle one will usually get the upper hand if they are left alone. But I doubt many parents adopt a completely laissez faire policy. I let them try working it out, then intervene if required. I also post mortem challenging scenarios either as a group or with the individual child as needed. Then next time (not always, but sometimes lol) they will take what they've learned and improve their problem solving and negotiating. For many sibling arguments this approach is effective, although it often feels like a 'two steps forward one step back' progression. There are some things I have taken a more authoritarian approach with, though. For example, the kids are not allowed to buy, sell or swap any possessions without running it past us first, otherwise the 3yo inevitably gets scammed by the older ones.

[fairfarmhand]

:lurk5:

 

My oldest tends to run over the rest of the kids.

 

It's unhealthy for the youngers, and it is unhealthy for the oldest to think she has to "win" all the time.

[SKL]

Actually, I was the middle child and I tended to come out on top somehow (in my own quiet way).

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with the youngers looking up to the olders. They can learn a lot that way. If you're an older child, you'll be more willing to include your younger siblings in your fun if they are easy to work with. And the younger ones will eventually be the leader of something, someday.

 

I know kids aren't dogs, but this reminds me of some dog wisdom my sister (the GSD breeder) shared with me. Interfering with the natural order of things to make things "fair" can create big problems. It's instinctive for youngers to defer to olders, so why not just go with the flow, as long as nobody's doing anything extreme? If the animal kingdom (including humans) has evolved that way, maybe it's a way to continuously improve the species. Of course, the other side of this is that olders take responsibility for youngers.

[SKL]

And when I say "work it out," that really means "if you guys can't come to an agreement, neither of you can have the thing you're fighting over." So there is some external motivation to come to an agreement as opposed to one bullying the other.

[Dory]

In our house it depends on the day and what it is they are arguing about. It's less common for the youngest to win, but it does happen. It's not unusual at all for the middle to beat the oldest.

[Bluegoat]

I don't totally step back from my kids disputes, but I do let them work it out a lot of the time. I find my middle child tends to prevail more often. My eldest tends to want to compromise. Also, if I don't step in and it gets nasty, dd4 has no qualms about beating up dd7, and dd7 won't hit her back. (I finally had to tell her she was allowed to protect herself from dd4 if she couldn't get away.)

 

Dd4 just refuses to back down while dd7 is always looking to compromise. Sometimes she outwits dd4 though who doesn't realize she's been manipulated into a particular course of action. (Although lately she has been asking me if it is wrong for her to do this.)

 

Dd7 usually makes sure that ds2 gets a fair shake in any disputes.

 

If the dispute is between ds2 and dd4, she is more likely to prevail and then he stops playing with her and comes looking for me.

 

I find if I have to step in it is usually because dd4 (who is tiny and delicate looking) is throwing her weight around.

[NotSoObvious]

My mom used to tell us to work it out. We didn't have the skills to do that and my sister and I still have a strained relationship as a result.

 

I've tried not to take this approach with my kids - granted, my twins rarely fight. But part of the reason is that I help my weaker one assert herself and I try to help my stronger one get what she needs without taking advantage. We try to model empathy and put relationships ahead of being right/wrong.

 

Kids can develop the skills they need without being left to flounder on their own. I can't imagine if I went to my husband after an awful encounter with a colleague and he just said, "work it out." We all need help and support. :)

[justLisa]

My DS will give up most battles. He is the mature older brother type though. I don't know where he gets it because we are totally not gender oriented here, but he would never pick on a girl specifically. My kids don't really argue much.