I don't know how to handle dad situation (long story)

[joannqn]

Growing up my father was an alcoholic and used drugs regularly. He was negative, and critical, and abusive. He told me I was a slut at the age of 11. He accused me of drug seeking when I had migraines in high school. I watched him sit on my mom and try to shove a rolled up magazine down her throat. I left home after we got into a physical altercation, coming home once for the holidays at my mother's request (left early) and did not speak to him again for three years.

 

Fast forward several years, my dad was arrested for a UTI and needed a ride to his court date. (He was caught a couple of hours drive from his home.) Praying that this would finally get him sober, I took time off work to take him to court. He was offered diversion which required three months in AA. It worked. He got sober and stayed in AA for several years. He requested a visit and arrived to make amends. He's been a good grandfather to my kids and enjoys visiting with and spoiling them. He's still sober to this day.

 

Two and a half years ago he was laid off. Since then, he has gotten a few temp jobs. Two of those jobs ended much earlier than they were suppose to. One job was suppose to last a year but was ended after only a month. His most recent job was suppose to last a few months, but the company had an existing employee move into the area; the company dismissed my father after only a couple of days to give the job to the employee.

 

I know the job market is bad. My dad is 59, and no one wants to hire someone that age. My husband explained that my dad's experience (30 years in the field) is too narrow for what today's employers want. Still, I can't help but think his attitude is a huge part of the problem. He's a really negative person; I doubt he can fully hide it in an interview and on the job. (When I was a kid, it was well known at his work that he was mad at management when he wore a certain ugly yellow tie.)

 

So, now he's on Facebook. He hates Facebook and regularly complains about it in his status updates. His posts are becoming more negative and depressed sounding. On one hand, I'm concerned about his health because he quit taking his blood pressure and other meds rather than seeking state aid. I'm concerned about him relapsing into alcoholism since that initially came about from his feeling inadequate; one of his posts is about his lack of worth. He's never applied for any state aid other than unemployment and that ran out so he's living off of the last of his savings (he also supports his sister and mother).

 

But then I'm mad at him for his attitude. My kids want to go visit him. Even when he's in a good mood, it can be hard to be around him because of his negativity. Visiting at his house is also difficult because my aunt smokes in the house and I get really sick when exposed to cigarette smoke/smell. I've learned to tell him enough is enough when he gets on a negative rant. But when he's in a bad mood, it's impossible to be around him.

 

Right now, I'm simply ignoring his Facebook posts. His comments on my posts range from weird to negative. Some of them I delete; some I ignore.

 

I don't know what to do, if anything.

[joannqn]

A sampling of his most recent FB posts (most recent first):

 

Put in another application... not sure why I bother.

 

Just thinking, If I had a life insurance policy, I could feel I was worth something.

 

When asked about his kidney (other one removed with cancer): Kkidney? Who the hell knows? If I was able to get a full time job I might be able to get medical insurance again. Then I might be able to answer that. But I'm thinking another full time job is not ever going to happen again.

 

Happy post may 5th. One more day of revelery and we can forget this nonsense.

 

Deport Cinco De Mayo (he's always been prejudice against Mexican people)

[tristangrace]

No advice, I'm afraid. But I'm sorry for your situation.

[RanchGirl]

I am not sure what you are looking for as far as advice so I'll just say how sorry I am that you have this to deal with in a father.

[KS_]

I don't think there's much you can do, except have no expectations from him at all. Dh has several very dysfunctional close relatives, and we just have very little or no contact with them. You can't fix them, and in many cases, they don't want to be helped (we've tried that with his sister, and it's like pouring money/time/emotional energy down a black hole - it doesn't make a difference).

[elegantlion]

A good example to teach the kids grace. As long as he's not verbally abusive I would deal with the negative.

 

My dh is 51 and affected by the job market, 30 years in one industry. He hates where he is at now, it's has affected many areas of our lives. It's incredibly hard to be over 50 and realize no one wants to pay you to do what you are qualified to do because of you age. So I would try to separate that from the negative attitude. While that may not be helpful, the job market basically bites.

 

I have family that get negative, I use it for talking points for ds. I point out what I believe is wrong in their thinking, I explain how to love the person anyway, but we can't change them. I do limit some talk of what I will allow, derogatory statements about others. I try to explain how their life experience has given them this mindset and that we love people where they are at. I point out the good things. I have one family member that regularly sends me political e-mails that are stupid. I breeze through and delete, that way I can say I saw it.

[The Girls' Mom]

First, I would meet with your dad on neutral grounds (park, restaurant, etc) so the kids can see him. This is what I do with my dad, for various reasons, and it has worked out well.

 

Second, your only real choice in dealing with his ngeativity is to ignore it. You cannot make him change or seek help.

 

My dad is around the same age, and has been out of work for quite a while except for the occasional odd job. No one will hire him because of his age, experience (he's been a faux painter for years) and probably his appearance. It is tough, no almost impossible, to get a job right now if you are older and have limited experience.

[joannqn]

Over the years, most of our visits have been either at my house or on a camping trip. I tolerate about one visit a year at his house, mostly so I can say I've visited my grandmother, who won't come here.

 

We live about 2 to 2 1/2 hours away.

 

The only reason I would consider going down to his house now is that his joblessness makes it so he can't afford the gas to get here. I know he won't take money from me to pay for it either.

 

The last time we saw him was at Christmas.

[Unicorn.]

Make the trip. Take him out of the house somewhere. Lovingly tell him you are concerned about him, and that he seems depressed. Urge him to seek help/aid, and medical attention for the depression. Tell him you want him around for his grandkids sake. His comment about life insurance is a clear sign of depression, and suicidal thinking. Do some research before you go, so you can give him resources for help. :grouphug: It's a hard situation, but don't ignore it or him. Talk to him about being more positive. I'm sure you already have, but just keep trying.

[ma23peas]

We have done 3 hour drives in one day (there and back 6 hours total) not that much fun, but it's doable! I say, plan a Granddaddy picnic!! Go early, plan a really cool day out..find a state park or somewhere within 30 minutes that is a great outdoor place where he and the kids can practice kickball/catch/frisbee...bring his favorite foods...spend the day with him so the kids have a good memory and you do as well...and it might be the 'life' your dad needs! Take lots of pictures, get some good shots of him and the kids and post them and tag him in facebook! When people start to post on his page how lucky he is, what a great picture etc...it really helps...small things, but can mean a good deal!