WWYD- HS Group Control/Rules/Leadership?

[Paige]

nm.

Edited April 29, 2012 by Paige
TMI

[Paige]

Sorry it's so long! I'll probably delete this later just so it's not out there forever. Please don't quote the whole thing.

[Lily_Grace]

Definitely sit down with her. It sounds like it's time for a gentle reminder that as homeschooling families, we are all leaders and each member deserves equal respect. She, of course, is more than welcome to create a small group if she thinks that is where she would be better suited, and still retain membership in the inclusive group as well.

[SailorMom]

First - what do you value more? Her friendship or the group?

If you confront her - no matter how nicely - you need to be aware it might mar your friendship.

That being said - she is taking the group in a negative direction and needs to be stopped.

[mom2att]

My question is- should I sit down with my problem admin and assert authority as the original creator of the group?

 

Yes to the above. Remind her of your original intent in creating the group, adding that were her proposed restrictions in place from the beginning it's likely the two of you never would have met, since you were virtual strangers to each other when the group started.

 

It sounds to me like the group you have created and have in mind for the future is more reflective of your personality type and functions well as a support group. It also appears that her personality would do well with the more structured appeal of a co-op. Is it possible that within the greater support group that you have created there could be formed a more structured, closed-membership co-op that she could lead? General membership in the group could remain open to all and continue with the relaxed approach that has flourished so far. From within that membership, those who are looking for more structure could form a co-op branch, led by your friend who is good with planning and organizing. Co-ops by nature need a more exclusive membership, just because the jobs don't get done if everyone is not on the same page commitment-wise. It sounds like this is what your friend is looking for, and it may be worth a try to see if a sub-group within the larger group would work to make everybody happy.

 

I've led both. Co-op suits my personality type more. :-)

[jujsky]

Maybe there is some sort of compromise/middle ground with this? I don't know exactly what that would be. I would tell them how you feel and ask that somehow you all find a way to incorporate your ideas/visions for the group to make each of them get their way, in part, so your group can continue on.

 

 

:iagree: I'm part of an online/in person group locally, and they have sort of a combination of what you're describing. The site used (Ning) gives them the ability to make smaller, private groups within the larger group that people can ask to join. There are a couple of smaller, private co-ops that use that feature as well as special-interest groups. It gives anyone the ability to start a private group or activity, while keeping the main group public and open. Maybe another good compromise would be to host monthly Meet-N-Greets at a local park or something so group members CAN get a chance to know people new to the larger group.

[angela in ohio]

Been there, done that... twice. :lol: A homeschool group is like a third world nation - always ripe for a coup. I used to think it was a function of homeschool mothers' personalities, but friends tell me PTAs are the same way. ;)

 

The first time, I wish that I had just been firm that I was in charge, but I caved because she had been there longer and was loud. Many people were upset by the other leader, and it affected the group.

 

The second time, I wish when it first came up that we had just split the group instead of trying to be accommodating and changing a group that had been working very well.

 

I don't like being in charge; I only do it when I have no other choice and I'm pushed forward, so I understand your hesitancy. If you want the group to survive and serve others, though, I think you really need to just un-admin her right now. it will only get worse from here, and she will be divisive until everyone is unhappy.

[NanceXToo]

You created the group. You get final say. She sounds too negative to be in a leadership position, especially if she's causing people to leave or feel uncomfortable, and it seems ridiculous to me to not allow new members in.

 

It bothers me that you've told her this before and she keeps pushing you and your boundaries and doing whatever she wants anyway. Awkward as it may seem, I think I'd have to tell her (whether in person or in email) in no uncertain terms that I had a very specific vision for this group and I expect it to be run that way and expect my admin team to help make that happen. If she keeps doing the opposite, I would have to ask her to step down and be a member rather than an administrator because it's causing too many problems for you and for other members when she keeps doing these things.

[Ellie]

I say assert authority as the founder of the group.

 

I saw that kind of controlled group in California and it was ugly. The potential fall-out is far reaching...I was still finding wounded homeschoolers many years after a large group had turned into a controlled group.

 

And I'd have to say that I'd sacrifice a friendship over this. Yes, I would.

 

People who want a more controlled group can go start their own. If this woman is really your friend, y'all can be congenial as you part ways. I've seen it happen that way.

[MrsBear]

A ship can only have one Captain.

 

You're the Captain. Starting the group was and is your baby, your ship.

 

It's great to have a second in command, third and forth, but at the end of the day, you, as Captain, must lead.

 

And that means, you're the one who decides where your group is going now and in the future! If your "crew" doesn't share your vision, then you need a new crew who does. Sit down with everyone and discuss this as a group - be kind and gentle in your words, but also firm with what you want to see in the future. They will all either do it or not, some may leave, that's okay, replace them with people who share your vision and aren't scaring off others!

[Little Nyssa]

Maybe she can create a subgroup that is closed & more what she wants? That way she would have some control, just not over everyone else. :001_smile:

[Paige]

First - what do you value more? Her friendship or the group?

If you confront her - no matter how nicely - you need to be aware it might mar your friendship.

That being said - she is taking the group in a negative direction and needs to be stopped.

 

This is what I'm afraid of! I don't want to ruin our friendship, but I feel the need to protect the group from a budding dictator. Her deal is that she wants the group to be only made up of people like her- the type she likes. She doesn't want to have to associate with people she considers low class or that she dislikes, and she wants people to know others well enough to determine if they are "our type of people," before they are allowed in the group. She has said this openly and is not embarrassed to admit it at all. I am soooo not that kind of a person. She probably is not bothered when people she doesn't like leave because she didn't want to have to be around them in the first place.

 

I suggested keeping it open and having others create smaller, private subgroups of people they connect with. She thought it was a great idea....but nothing happened and she is back to wanting to "remind people to be careful about who they invite." We already have 2 meet and greets scheduled a month and nobody has any interest in a co-op. I mean, can there be co-ops with no classes? There is a co-op in town that some others are a part of but we're the not co-op group for the people who didn't like the co-op people's rules and schedules.

 

Ugh...I wish there was an easy way to do this. I also have a problem that I have had many family issues this year that have caused me to fall into the background. I haven't been as visible of a presence as the other mom because of this and haven't come to as many activities. Maybe she thinks she needs to take over.

[angela in ohio]

You created the group. You get final say. She sounds too negative to be in a leadership position, especially if she's causing people to leave or feel uncomfortable, and it seems ridiculous to me to not allow new members in.

 

I agree.

 

Thinking more about this since I posted.... You created a group and assumed leadership because you were willing to do the work to have a grour for other homeschoolers. That is the rigth motivation. Some people want to be in charge so that they can call all of the shots, and they have no heart for others. Those are the last people you want in leadership. I've seen this over and over in homeschool groups and in other organizations. The people who most crave a leadership position and scrabble to put themselves in charge, like this woman and her desire to rule with an iron fist, are the worst leaders in the end. You need to defend your group. :grouphug: