I need a little parenting advice

[Nakia]

I know I'm new here, but I really need help. This is something we've been struggling for months, but I haven't posted because I thought I would figure it out. But, guess what?? I haven't! I realize how much I really needed to ask some Godly mommas to help me out. So here it is:

 

My middle dd, Emma, is the sweetest, most loving child in the world. She is always singing and dancing and having a grand ole' time. She constantly tells me I am her "most favorite gorgeous mommy" :Angel_anim:She's just a doll...

 

The dilemma: for the past few months, she has been so incredibly shy. She has taken dance for 2 years at the same place with the same teacher. About 3 or 4 times a year they have "parent observation day". Well this past May (after she had done this at least 6 or 7 times), she freaked out on obs. day and wouldn't dance and then flat out refused to be in the recital. I mean, she was hysterical with huge tears and lots of boo hooing. It truly was pitiful, and, of course, we did not make her do it. It would have been humiliating for her because she would've been crying. She has refused to do horseback riding or dance camp this summer, which she has loved for 2 summers. One thing I hate about this is that she is so good at dance and is really advanced for her age.

 

Fast forward to now. All week we have been talking to the girls about swimming lessons starting tonight. They were so excited, and Emma went skipping in there in her new bathing suit so happy! Then when she saw the teacher, she burst into tears and started clinging to my legs. It was awful. And honestly, I was furious. I hate the way I felt. I wanted to scream and cry too. Or shake her. I hate to write that, but it was so very frustrating. I know she's not afraid of the water because when we were at Disney in May, I couldn't keep her out of the pool. She loves the water!

 

On one hand, I want to wear her out. But I absolutely know that is not the right thing to do. I have considered bribing, but we do not parent like that. I know she is young and this will probably pass, but I'm not sure what to do in the meantime. I have talked and pleaded. I am tired of it. My DH is clueless as to what to do. I have consulted some other Christian moms that I admire, but no help. Truthfully, I cannot ask anyone in my family because I will hear the "homeschool/socialization/don't-you-think-she-should-go-to-school speech". I am so scared to handle it wrong and hurt her sweet spirit.

 

I know this is long. Thanks for bearing with me. Any advice will be so appreciated.

__________________

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I know I'm new her, but I really need help. This is something we've been struggling for months, but I haven't posted because I thought I would figure it out. But, guess what?? I haven't! I realize how much I really needed to ask some Godly mommas to help me out. So here it is:

 

My middle dd, Emma, is the sweetest, most loving child in the world. She is always singing and dancing and having a grand ole' time. She constantly tells me I am her "most favorite gorgeous mommy" :Angel_anim:She's just a doll...

 

 

Just to be clear, she's five years old, right?

[Nakia]

Just to be clear, she's five years old, right?

 

Oh yeah, I should have said. She is 5. I know she is young.

[phathui5]

I might back off on the scheduled activities for a year or so and just get your "socialization" and exercise time in other ways.

[beansprouts]

IME the worst thing you can do with a shy child is push them. Pushing them into stressful social situations is just going to cause them to withdraw. Your dd is a bright child and you are a good mama for wanting to give her every opportunity you can.

 

Try to relax :001_smile: Allow her the time to observe the class from your lap until she feels safe. Let her decide when she is ready to venture out on her own, and do not force her into situations where she is not comfortable.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Oh yeah, I should have said. She is 5. I know she is young.

 

Well, I'm afraid I don't quite fit your parameters for who should answer (and I apologize in advance if you meant that you wanted to restrict the answers to only faith-based replies), but my opinion is that if she is for some reason fearful, you should gently follow her lead. She's young. I never went to camp til I was 10, and though that's not something I've repeated with my own kids, I truly don't feel they lost out in any way in not having performance-based activities at age five. (Dd will probably never seek out activities where she is being watched, except perhaps if field hockey counts, as it's just her personality despite a couple of years of dance and a few years of gymnastics. Ds didn't have many formal activities as a very young boy, but he had no problem performing as a professional musician in middle school in front of a large audiences.)

 

Just let her sit this summer out. Next year, she will need to ask to go and perhaps *earn* the camp with chores or good deeds for the family. Then she might have more ownership of the process and be willing to participate.

 

Swim lessons are tricky, but I'd honestly wait. Ds and dd (the big kids) are both part fish, but ds learned to swim at age 9 and dd at age 6.

 

I simply wouldn't force it. And I completely understand and sympathize with your frustration. Just remember that she is very small. And you don't need anyone else's approval to trust your gut instinct to protect and carefully nurture your little girl.

 

(As to the homeschooling part, pshaw. Don't pay much mind to anyone who second-guesses your educational choices for your child. Homeschooling doesn't make a kid shy any than institutional schooling makes a kid a natural leader.)

[Nakia]

IME the worst thing you can do with a shy child is push them. Pushing them into stressful social situations is just going to cause them to withdraw. Your dd is a bright child and you are a good mama for wanting to give her every opportunity you can.

 

Try to relax :001_smile: Allow her the time to observe the class from your lap until she feels safe. Let her decide when she is ready to venture out on her own, and do not force her into situations where she is not comfortable.

 

Thank you. I am the exact opposite of shy, so this is all new to me. No, I would never force her to do anything. :001_smile:

[Nakia]

Well, I'm afraid I don't quite fit your parameters for who should answer (and I apologize in advance if you meant that you wanted to restrict the answers to only faith-based replies), but my opinion is that if she is for some reason fearful, you should gently follow her lead. She's young. I never went to camp til I was 10, and though that's not something I've repeated with my own kids, I truly don't feel they lost out in any way in not having performance-based activities at age five. (Dd will probably never seek out activities where she is being watched, except perhaps if field hockey counts, as it's just her personality despite a couple of years of dance and a few years of gymnastics. Ds didn't have many formal activities as a very young boy, but he had no problem performing as a professional musician in middle school in front of a large audiences.)

 

Just let her sit this summer out. Next year, she will need to ask to go and perhaps *earn* the camp with chores or good deeds for the family. Then she might have more ownership of the process and be willing to participate.

 

Swim lessons are tricky, but I'd honestly wait. Ds and dd (the big kids) are both part fish, but ds learned to swim at age 9 and dd at age 6.

 

I simply wouldn't force it. And I completely understand and sympathize with your frustration. Just remember that she is very small. And you don't need anyone else's approval to trust your gut instinct to protect and carefully nurture your little girl.

 

(As to the homeschooling part, pshaw. Don't pay much mind to anyone who second-guesses your educational choices for your child. Homeschooling doesn't make a kid shy any than institutional schooling makes a kid a natural leader.)

 

Thanks Pam! I didn't mean to insinuate I only wanted answers from Christians. I was just trying to let you all know where I was coming from. I appreciate all the answers!!

 

Yeah, I don't listen to the family about socialization. Been there, done that. They would just love to give me their opinion again, so I don't discuss such things with them. KWIM?

[girligirlmom]

What did you do at the pool?

 

Did you stay close by and talk about it to see if by the end she would "try it"? Was this an option?

 

OR did you leave?

 

Regarding my dd who's almost 7

My dd6.98 was the same way and still is a little bit but much better. One thing we did was treat her with homeopathy for seasonal allergies and the weirdest outcome was that a lot of her shyness and fears greatly diminished. Our homeopath expected that but I did not know how good our relationship could be. Her moodiness is greatly diminished as well.

 

She was shy again during Parent's Observation in dance (ballet) last week, even more so than at her Ballet recital the month before. Her teacher said she is not like that in class, only when she thinks she is being watched by parents. What I know is that she had her remedy close before her recital but not really since then so it seems like she might need it again. She needs it about once per month but she needed it more often during the tree allergy season here.

 

Her remedy is Pulsatilla and when I look up a typical "Pulsatilla" child it fits my dd to a T. I was this child too. Each remedy varies by child so I wouldn't say, go out and get some for your dd, I would say PM me for contact info for a homeopath or two.

 

Now that the remedy is working well I am better able to parent her. It used to be that nothing I said would console her and there was nothing I could do to convince her to try something she had said she wanted to do once she became fearful.

 

Now (that the remedy is working and she is older) I can prep her in advance and we talk about what to do when you feel "butterflies in your belly." Not performing in dance is always an option since I want my dd to grow into her independence, I do not want to force it.

 

When it came to her piano recital (her first year) I again made sure she had her remedy and I asked for an extra 2 times during the rehearsal so she would feel most confident. The teacher was ready to let her leave after the first time, but I knew for both older dc the extra practice at the rehearsal would help their shyness/fear.

 

I think the swimming lessons would bug me too but I have not had that issue. My dd's fears are more performance based when parents are watching. Can you get a refund or use it next year? I received a refund last year but my youngest broke his foot. I'm not sure how this would work for you. I guess you just have to know this may happen for whatever classes you register her for.

Regarding my ds who was the same way

I remember talking calmly to my ds9 when he was 4.5 but it was for a Sunday school class at a brand new church just after his baby brother ds 4.75 was born (lots of transitions). It took about a month of dh and I taking turns missing church for him to get comfortable in SS. He was the same way at the same church's homeschool co-op classes. I just stayed in the class with him so he would feel comfortable. He wanted to be in the class, but not without me present.

 

He was the same one (ds9) who cried every single day for half an hour after I dropped him off at daycare for his first two years. I just found that I try gentle persuasion to see if it works (Come on honey, I know you can do it!) and if not, it's okay if he didn't participate.

[Nakia]

What did you do at the pool?

 

Did you stay close by and talk about it to see if by the end she would "try it"? Was this an option?

 

OR did you leave?

 

Regarding my dd who's almost 7

My dd6.98 was the same way and still is a little bit but much better. One thing we did was treat her with homeopathy for seasonal allergies and the weirdest outcome was that a lot of her shyness and fears greatly diminished. Our homeopath expected that but I did not know how good our relationship could be. Her moodiness is greatly diminished as well.

 

She was shy again during Parent's Observation in dance (ballet) last week, even more so than at her Ballet recital the month before. Her teacher said she is not like that in class, only when she thinks she is being watched by parents. What I know is that she had her remedy close before her recital but not really since then so it seems like she might need it again. She needs it about once per month but she needed it more often during the tree allergy season here.

 

Her remedy is Pulsatilla and when I look up a typical "Pulsatilla" child it fits my dd to a T. I was this child too. Each remedy varies by child so I wouldn't say, go out and get some for your dd, I would say PM me for contact info for a homeopath or two.

 

Now that the remedy is working well I am better able to parent her. It used to be that nothing I said would console her and there was nothing I could do to convince her to try something she had said she wanted to do once she became fearful.

 

Now (that the remedy is working and she is older) I can prep her in advance and we talk about what to do when you feel "butterflies in your belly." Not performing in dance is always an option since I want my dd to grow into her independence, I do not want to force it.

 

When it came to her piano recital (her first year) I again made sure she had her remedy and I asked for an extra 2 times during the rehearsal so she would feel most confident. The teacher was ready to let her leave after the first time, but I knew for both older dc the extra practice at the rehearsal would help their shyness/fear.

 

I think the swimming lessons would bug me too but I have not had that issue. My dd's fears are more performance based when parents are watching. Can you get a refund or use it next year? I received a refund last year but my youngest broke his foot. I'm not sure how this would work.

Regarding my ds who was the same way

I remember talking calmly to my ds9 when he was 4.5 but it was for a Sunday school class at a brand new church just after his baby brother ds 4.75 was born (lots of transitions). It took about a month of dh and I taking turns missing church for him to get comfortable in SS. He was the same way at the same church's homeschool co-op classes. I just stayed in the class with him so he would feel comfortable. He wanted to be in the class, but not without me present.

 

He was the same one (ds9) who cried every single day for half an hour after I dropped him off at daycare for his first two years. I just found that I try gentle persuasion to see if it works (Come on honey, I know you can do it!) and if not, it's okay if he didn't participate.

 

We stayed throughout the 30 minute class because my 7 year old had her lesson after Emma's. The whole time I kept talking to her and asking if she had changed her mind. She cried for about 15 minutes in my lap. Then she just sat there the rest of the time.

 

I am going to think about the other stuff in your post and look in to it. Thanks!

[Tess in the Burbs]

super eager about something and then when it's time they do this shy behavior into flat out refusal to participate! It's extremely frustrating. For soccer my son would refuse to go play when the others needed a break, in basketball he would refuse to practice(and we were the coaches!), and well, a lot of things we attend he does this.

 

for soccer we took a break. he wanted to go back and he was firmly told if he didn't do as the coach asked(go in when it's his turn to play) he would play no more as well as the next sport.

 

for basketball he kept refusing to practice but wanted to play in the games. I made it firmly clear he participate 100% or no baseball(something he has wanted to do for 2 years). He sat out most practices and so we canceled baseball. He still asks about it. he learned a hard lesson through this.

 

so now he is signed up for a dance class this summer. I am going to explain to the teacher on the first day he may just sit and watch and not to push him to participate. and my son will be told he can watch the first class but after that he will participate or no next season for him. I think he will do as asked.

 

I know it's hard. I too want to scream or punish. I try to respect my son and his sensitivity but it's hard sometimes when their behavior is so back and forth on things they ask to do!

 

My daughter can at times be the same way. Every week I had to convince her that she liked dance(she begged two years to take dance). she didn't want to go every week. but if I offered to let her quit she went on and on how she liked it. we finished the year out but she will not be allowed to do dance this upcoming year. If she asks in another year we will try again.

 

I personally think it's a maturity issue. they have to learn that participating means just that. When my kids ask to do something but then pull this 'crap!' then I have tried to be fair. But when they continue to refuse then they no longer get to do the activity. And they are learning. Just ask my son who is on year three of wanting to play baseball...maybe in the spring ;)

[happyWImom]

I do think they go through their clingy stages, and that's one reason I am so thankful that we homeschool. My dd was the same way. She's 6 now, but whenever she has been involved in something, she always wants to make sure I'm right there. Sunday school, guess who's the teacher or helper? But this year, she has finally come around, as long as she knows I'm close by, I don't have to be right there in the same room. So no, I would not force it. One other thing, mine has had issues that haven't gone away about certain things, and we found a wonderful Chrisitan counselor, who I just love. Have you considered that at all?

 

Good luck & give your dd a big hug!

 

Tammi

[girlymama]

I can attest to shyness since all my girls seem to be very shy in front of others. The reason why I began homeschooling was because of my oldest, who is now 9. She would scream and cry every single day before going to school for kinder and 1st grade. Then I began homeschooling and no more fits.

However, she was still very shy to the point of rudeness. It really is frustrating and hard to deal with but I have found there are times where you do have to force them to do things. For example, I started her in swim class when she was 5 along with her sister 3. She did not want to go but I basically told her she had to and she needed to act happy about it for her sister. She now loves swimming and is excited about going. I have found that when things are new she doesn't want to do it but after the first time she feels more comfortable and will want to do it.

 

As for your dd, she may have developed an awareness of people watching her and that might cause some anxiety. I know I have prayed about it and I feel that there really are times when you do need to press the issue and other times you just let them be.

 

I don't know if this helps but it's just a different point of view from someone who has lived with this very frustrating issue. By the way, my dd is so much better to newer situations and will actually start speaking first to people. She has come a long way.

Madonna

[Mandy in TN]

Nope. I would have pried the kid off my leg and tossed her in the pool. I know this as fact. I have done it. I don't even put up with that from other people's kids. I had a little girl who just turned 6 stay with me one day last summer. She begged to go to the pool, but when we got there she wouldn't get in the water. I hugged her and held her and told her that we were there for her to swim. I picked her up and walked in with her screaming and clinging to me. You know what- as soon as she was wet she was fine. It wasn't even 5 min. It was more like 5 sec. She swam around the pool happy as a clam. My own child- I just would've thrown him in the water.

 

I just read the swim bit to dh and asked him what I would have done to our 5yo if he had behaved that way. Dh said that I would have just tossed him in the pool. If you say you’re going to do something, then you do it. If you don’t want to do something, then don’t say or act like you will. It doesn’t matter if you are 5 or 105, you live up to your word. A child who knows that you will allow him/her to opt out of something that they have said they will do or have been told they will do by crying or pitching a fit will learn to play that card to get away with other things.

 

Also, I understand the impulse to shake her. I would also understand the impulse to laugh. Try to do neither. Be calm. Be firm. Tell her the options and outcomes and stand by your statements. Honestly, if nothing has changed and these are all the activities that she has done before and the instructor says that she doesn’t behave this way when you aren’t there, then this doesn’t sound like shy behavior. I would venture to guess that she is learning to manipulate her surroundings and that includes you. Draw a clear boundary and let her know clearly where it is. If she knows the structure- the boundary- she may stop pushing it.

 

OTOH- She is awfully young. Maybe you can talk to her and tell her that she can either go and be happy or her sister can go without her. At 5 if she is going through a phase where she doesn’t want to be away from you, don’t waste the money. Keep her with you.

 

Perhaps this was no help-

Mandy

[Nakia]

Nope. I would have pried the kid off my leg and tossed her in the pool. I know this as fact. I have done it. I don't even put up with that from other people's kids. I had a little girl who just turned 6 stay with me one day last summer. She begged to go to the pool, but when we got there she wouldn't get in the water. I hugged her and held her and told her that we were there for her to swim. I picked her up and walked in with her screaming and clinging to me. You know what- as soon as she was wet she was fine. It wasn't even 5 min. It was more like 5 sec. She swam around the pool happy as a clam. My own child- I just would've thrown him in the water.

 

I just read the swim bit to dh and asked him what I would have done to our 5yo if he had behaved that way. Dh said that I would have just tossed him in the pool. If you say you’re going to do something, then you do it. If you don’t want to do something, then don’t say or act like you will. It doesn’t matter if you are 5 or 105, you live up to your word. A child who knows that you will allow him/her to opt out of something that they have said they will do or have been told they will do by crying or pitching a fit will learn to play that card to get away with other things.

 

Also, I understand the impulse to shake her. I would also understand the impulse to laugh. Try to do neither. Be calm. Be firm. Tell her the options and outcomes and stand by your statements. Honestly, if nothing has changed and these are all the activities that she has done before and the instructor says that she doesn’t behave this way when you aren’t there, then this doesn’t sound like shy behavior. I would venture to guess that she is learning to manipulate her surroundings and that includes you. Draw a clear boundary and let her know clearly where it is. If she knows the structure- the boundary- she may stop pushing it.

 

OTOH- She is awfully young. Maybe you can talk to her and tell her that she can either go and be happy or her sister can go without her. At 5 if she is going through a phase where she doesn’t want to be away from you, don’t waste the money. Keep her with you.

 

Perhaps this was no help-

Mandy

 

 

I don't really know how to say this, but I will just be honest. I will not, ever, throw my child into a pool if they are already scared. I know my daughter and I do not believe she is being manipulative. I can tell she is truly scared/shy. And I also do not believe a 5 year can really comprehend "you live up to your word". She is too young to be able to verbalize her feelings, but we are working on it. I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post, but we obviously are not on the same page.

 

ETA: I do hope I don't sound harsh. After rereading your post, I paid more attention to your last paragraph and I think you were right on with that.

[Reesegirl]

Nakia, your story sounds just like what happened with my dd when she was 5...same situation at the pool. I tried to get her to sit on the steps as the instructors tried to play with her and get her to do the things that a beginning class would do but she just cried. I finally took her out and she sat with me for the 2 weeks of the lessons while her older sister learned to swim. We had recently moved within 6 months and she also had a new baby sister to contend with. I just think that I pushed her too soon. She was very shy at the time but not now at 21! The next year my dd was ready for lessons and bravely verbalized over and over that she wasn't going to be afraid or cry...a little bravado on her part.

 

if you were to talk to public school teachers they would also tell you of kids who go through the fearful, clingy stage. I do children's church at my church and there is a little girl who is 6 who recently changed from a happpy open child to one who is afraid of being away from her mom. I think she is aware that she has been away from her mom this past school year and now doesn't want mom out of her sight since school is over....anyway it happens to all children.

[ClassicMom]

my dd (15) was just like that when she was that age. And now I have to set really strict boundaries about how much time she can go out either with friends or to organized activities.

 

Just take it in little steps as so many of the wise moms have said. :001_smile:

[Mandy in TN]

I don't really know how to say this, but I will just be honest. I will not, ever, throw my child into a pool if they are already scared. I know my daughter and I do not believe she is being manipulative. I can tell she is truly scared/shy. And I also do not believe a 5 year can really comprehend "you live up to your word". She is too young to be able to verbalize her feelings, but we are working on it. I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post, but we obviously are not on the same page.

 

ETA: I do hope I don't sound harsh. After rereading your post, I paid more attention to your last paragraph and I think you were right on with that.

 

I apologize if I sounded mean, but you stated in your OP that she was not afraid and that she loved the water. So, it sounded like she simply wanted to be with you instead of going to class. Even at 5 a child knows what they need to do to get their way. The question then becomes is it worth it to pay for and force a 5yo to go to extracurricular activities if she is just wanting to spent time with you.

 

If she is indeed truly scared of the water, don't throw her in the pool.

Apologizing again-

Mandy

[Ashleen]

I was a very shy child and my mom thought she could cure me by pushing me into activities that made me feel uncomfortable (tap and acrobats and baton and swimming; later band and several other things I equally hated).

 

She was constantly harping on me and calling me "antisocial" (I think she meant "asocial"; "antisocial" indicates a psychopath). She would invite the whole neighborhood over to play at my house and I would retreat to the bathroom and hide. I can still remember her playing and laughing with all the neighborhood kids in my living room while I hid in the bathroom.

 

I didn't stop being shy. But I did stop trusting my mom. She obviously cared more about herself and her image as a mom than she cared about me personally and my actual needs. Once I came to realize that, we've never been able to fully repair the relationship.

[Ashleen]

Nope. I would have pried the kid off my leg and tossed her in the pool.

 

Um...wow.

 

Don't know what else to say. That's just...um...not a technique that would work with all children and a sure way to damage a relationship with a sensitive child.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Um...wow.

 

Don't know what else to say. That's just...um...not a technique that would work with all children and a sure way to damage a relationship with a sensitive child.

 

Unless you KNOW FOR SURE that they are "playing" you. But you have to be absolutely certain, and that's the hard part.

 

(Ashleen, she did address this again in a subsequent reply.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Go to the open swim time at the pool and enjoy playing in the water with your daughter. Teach her to blow bubbles, to dunk her head totally under, to float (we call this "playing otter"), to kick with a kick-stand. . .

[Nakia]

I was a very shy child and my mom thought she could cure me by pushing me into activities that made me feel uncomfortable (tap and acrobats and baton and swimming; later band and several other things I equally hated).

 

She was constantly harping on me and calling me "antisocial" (I think she meant "asocial"; "antisocial" indicates a psychopath). She would invite the whole neighborhood over to play at my house and I would retreat to the bathroom and hide. I can still remember her playing and laughing with all the neighborhood kids in my living room while I hid in the bathroom.

 

I didn't stop being shy. But I did stop trusting my mom. She obviously cared more about herself and her image as a mom than she cared about me personally and my actual needs. Once I came to realize that, we've never been able to fully repair the relationship.

 

 

See this is exactly what I do not want to happen. Thanks for your reply.

[Nakia]

I apologize if I sounded mean, but you stated in your OP that she was not afraid and that she loved the water. So, it sounded like she simply wanted to be with you instead of going to class. Even at 5 a child knows what they need to do to get their way. The question then becomes is it worth it to pay for and force a 5yo to go to extracurricular activities if she is just wanting to spent time with you.

 

If she is indeed truly scared of the water, don't throw her in the pool.

Apologizing again-

Mandy

 

 

I want to be clear. She is not afraid of the water. She is shy. She was scared, I think, because there were a bunch of people there she didn't know, and she knew I wasn't getting in the water.

 

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts. This morning I feel a lot better. I will talk to her a little this week and we'll see if she wants to go on Friday. If not, then I'll get my money back and we'll wait until next year. Thanks again.

[Erica in PA]

I think there are two ways you could handle this: 1. Probably what I would do is continue putting the child in situations where she will need to toughen up a bit-- within reason. Maybe don't require the big recital, but require participaing in classes. Or see if you'd be allowed to sit in on the swimming lessons, so that she could still see you during it, etc. I would probably try to choose things that will stretch her just a bit, and require her to do them, until she is comfortable, then choose things that will stretch her a bit more. I think children can sometimes become a bit neurotic, frankly, and can become accustomed to never doing anything they don't 100% want to do. I have known quite a few homeschooled children who are bit, well, used to being in very comfortable situations, and insist on staying there. I wouldn't allow my child to stay in that state, because I don't think it's healthy for them. I also know adults who have never become used to putting themselves in challenging situations, to rising to the challenge of putting themselves out there, and as a result miss out on many of life's rewarding experiences. Many kids will rise to the occasion if they have to, and that is a skill they will use for the rest of their lives.

 

2. The other approach that could work fine would be to just take a year or so and just don't do outside activities with your dd. She's only 5, and wouldn't suffer for missing out on them. I wouldn't even mention them to her, just know in your own mind that she's not ready to enjoy these sorts of activities, and don't even suggest them. Just let her enjoy her life at home with you and her family. What I would caution you against is repeatedly asking her if she wants to do XYZ. Imo, that gives a young child too much power, and allows her fears to take center stage in her mind. If you know she's not comfortable with certain things, and you don't want to press her to take on the challenge, then I would steer clear of them altogether.

 

My nephew went through this exact problem when he was 5, and he has really outgrown in the past year. (He's now 6.) In his case, my sil did a mixture of things, sometimes pushing him, sometimes allowing him to sit out, and it seems like really he just grew out of it. So don't worry too much, this will likely pass in a year or so. Hope something here helps in some way!

 

Erica

[summer]

I hate to say this, but she was born in 2003? So she just turned 5 or is about to?

 

Is it possible she could have emerging social anxiety, anxiety, or PDD? Or do you think maybe she had some sort of bad experience? This could just be a phase too. Wish I could have helped more.

[Nakia]

I hate to say this, but she was born in 2003? So she just turned 5 or is about to?

 

Is it possible she could have emerging social anxiety, anxiety, or PDD? Or do you think maybe she had some sort of bad experience? This could just be a phase too. Wish I could have helped more.

 

 

 

What is PPD? :confused:

[Mandy in TN]

PDD=pervasive developmental disorder

 

I wouldn't think that any of those are likely, because you have had her in extracurriculars for 2 years now.

 

From your OP it sounds like she is a happy, outgoing, social young lady who happens to be going through a clingy phase. Whether that is due to age, a recent bad experience, or because she has realized that she has a voice and is testing boundaries is hard to say. Or hey maybe it is anxiety- performance anxiety. Maybe she just realized that people are watching her. It may all go away next week or it may be something that y'all will have to work through.

 

My oldest is now 17yo and while there is no way I would have let him sit on the side lines his whole life, almost everything we did when he was that young was mommy-and-me. We did gymboree and mommy-and-me art at the local art college. Maybe there is a mommy-and-me swim class. He was about that age when he started karate and he was reluctant and cried at the first class. Then, he was fine. His desire to do karate was stronger than his desire to sit by me.

 

HTH-

Mandy

[talexand]

My middle child has anxiety. I understand the feeling of wanting to push. I have fought with the frustration. What is so hard? Move your feet one after the other and go into class! But when I pushed him it backfired and then his anxiety level rose for several months. This may be what you are seeing too. One panic can take a toll for quite a while. If you back off for a while and then take things slowly and building on successes even if they are small, things will improve again. He was 5 when I realized this and he's almost 7 now and has learned how to manage his own anxiety pretty well. We have had help to get him where he is today though.

 

As far as throwing kids into the pool, my oldest son who is a very confident child was dunked in the pool when he was 4 by a teacher when he begged her not to. She thought he would be fine. She violated his trust in water that was over his head and he would not go back to swim lessons for several years. Now he is 9 and on the swim team.