Us against them? Parenting question

[TXMomof4]

Dh and I are very, very different personalities. He is OCD, very rules oriented, and more than a little rigid. Let's just say that the Army suits him to a T. I am very much more relaxed. To the point that it has the capability of making dh crazy some days. We know these things about each other and, for the most part, we've found what works and carry on.

 

There have been a few times during the last year when we've been involved in a 'heated' discussion about some situation and he accuses me of always siding with the kids.

 

The last time was just the other night. He's had to be at work at 5:30 all week this week and he was heading to bed right about 8:30. The kids were working on things around the house, I was braiding one dd's hair and one was watching American Idol. Now, we've agreed that the kids go to bed at 9 and lights out at 9:30. That works great. I agree that it's a good thing. The other night though, he came downstairs absolutely furious because it was 9:05 and I hadn't sent the kids to bed yet. We were all in the middle of doing something, he wasn't there so they weren't getting in the way of 'our time' and it didn't even occur to me that it would be a problem.

 

We proceeded to 'discuss' this while the kids went to bed. He explained that he feels like I don't back him up and I always take the kids' side against him. I absolutely don't - even when I disagree with him, I let him carry the situation until we discuss it privately and he will be the one to make the change with the kids, if necessary. BUT - when he comes downstairs hollering like crazy because they are 'breaking the rules' of course I'm going to get up and let him know he's not right. That's the only time when I will contradict him in front of the kids - I didn't 'enforce' that rule, so it's hardly their fault that they aren't following that rule, kwim?

 

The discussion did end with him saying he was overly tired and it was affecting his response to the situation. (Basically, he admits he overreacted.) I don't want him to feel like it's me and the kids vs. him though. There has to be something to balance his absolutely rigid rule making - who is going to do it if I don't? I do get in the middle between him and the kids sometimes because he is being a little draconian about something and I don't think that's healthy. Not because I'm against him, but because he isn't being realistic in his expectations.

 

Is anyone else in this kind of situation? I desperately don't want him to feel like I value the kids over him, but I'm not going to let him just steamroll over the kids either. I do value their chance to grow up without being beaten over the head about every little thing over his freedom to beat them over the head. (figuratively, of course) His mother is the exact same way and he acknowledges that maybe he's a little extreme in his responses - between personality and learned behavior it's a hard thing to change.

 

I'm just not sure how to help this. We've been married 16 years and our kids aren't tiny anymore. Parenting isn't likely to get significantly easier so I'd really like to be on my best game going forward. KWIM?

[LadyMSews]

When dh & I are far apart on an issue, we find the best way to deal with it is to go to neutral location, without the dc, and have a discussion. I take notes, lol, so we can have a record of what we decide. We agree ahead of time what we are going to discuss and we stay on topic. I work very hard to not get overly emotional and to practice all my active listening skills.

 

We've had similar situations to the one you are talking about. Meeting in the middle is usually where we end up. For us, I'm the stricter one, dh is so very laid back it drives me nuts. We talk about what we expect from the children and what the consequences for misbehavior should be, so that we are parenting as consistently as possible.

 

I think the key to having this discussion is the neutral location and the pre-arranged angle of it. It keeps dh from feeling attacked, yk?

 

HTH!

[Night Elf]

My DH and I are not that extreme in our differences but we have had some discussions to root out our differing points of view. We actually talk about why we feel something is necessary and why some things are not necessary. And then most of the time, we compromise. I would suggest you and your DH sit down when neither of you are in defense mode and talk out one thing at a time. Does he understand that if you do not step in, the kids will be subject to what you consider hard and fast rules that are not necessary and that such attitudes could even be harmful to their understanding of parent's world? You aren't taking their side, you are providing a healthy balance to raising kids. Well, IMHO.

 

My DH was hurt sometimes that I didn't think he was right and wouldn't follow his "instructions". I was hurt sometimes that he seemed so rigid and appeared to not care about the needs and wants of our children. But it all worked out. It's still not perfect, but it's better.

[Amy in NH]

If my dh is being completely unreasonable, I will absolutely defend the children.

 

Sometimes dh is looking for someone to pick a fight with; basically he had a bad day and he's looking for someone to "take it out on". He goes for the kids because if they try to defend themselves he can say that they are being disrespectful and then inflict greater lecturing/misery/punishment. I will defend them in a heartbeat. IMO, it is not fair to pick on someone who you won't let defend themselves due to a power-over relationship.

Edited March 23, 2012 by Amy in NH

[*********]

Well, I don't have the exact situation where dh thinks I side with the kids over him. But he is a lot like you describe your dh. He certainly can react, how can I say this; differently to something than I wish he would.

 

But, then so can I. I'm not perfect. I try to remember that a LOT. :D

 

In the situation you described in your OP, this is how I would have *ideally* handled it.

 

Dh comes downstairs, and gets more upset than I think he should at the kdis for being up past bedtime.

 

I would say 'I'm sorry dh, I should have sent them on to bed on time. Run along and get ready for be quickly kids.'

 

Then once the kids are out of earshot, I might have a word or two with dh about why he got SO angry with the kids over it. I might wait until the next day to have this conversation, 'cause that usually would mean the conversation would go better. At the moment, dh was annoyed and tired; probably not a great time to discuss his overreaction.

 

So that's what I'd AIM to do in response. Now honestly, I'm still struggling with it. I'd probably give him the stink eye, say something like 'Well you sure are crabby. Don't holler at them like that. Go get ready for bed, kids." And then go on to give him another earful once the kids were out of the room.

 

Sigh.

 

I'm working on it. I try to remember that 'A gentle answer turneth away wrath'.

[In the Rain]

No advice, but a :grouphug:

[SuperDad]

Does he actually have OCD? That could be a part of it.

[Pegasus]

My BIL sounds a lot like your DH. For example, Thursday was day he assigned for clipping the children's fingernails. If he comes home on Thursday and the nails aren't clipped yet, he gets angry. It blows my mind. Sorry I don't have a solution for you. :grouphug:

 

Pegasus

[TXMomof4]

Does he actually have OCD? That could be a part of it.

 

He hasn't been formally diagnosed, but his mom has and he has classic symptoms. He deals with life really well and his job does make it a strength rather than a hindrance.

 

He's actually calmed down significiantly. Like I said, the other night he was tired and reacted poorly, but there seems to be a fine line I'm walking and I'm not sure which side to err on. Does that make any sense? I understand his need for rules, but at the same time - I am also the parent and if I decide to let the kids forgo a rule - I can do that. That doesn't mean I'm being disrespectful of the rules overall. I try to accomodate his need for the rules, but at the same time, I need him to accomodate my need not to live in a hard and fast rule-bound household.

 

Another part of the family dynamics that could be coming in to play - he has been home for 2 years now, but before that he was gone for almost 3 years between deployments and TDY. It seems like we're far enough past that that it shouldn't be causing too much strife. I suppose it could be though. The kids definitely had a different style of parenting during those 3 years. We did work very slowly to reintegrate when he came home and it wasn't too painful. Of course there were bumps along the way, but relatively easy.

 

I don't know. During our discussion the other night I really felt like he just can't comprehend that doing things any way other than the way he thinks it ought to be done might be ok. I'm not saying he just thinks his way is better, I don't think he gets it at all that I can accomplish the exact same thing he does without doing it exactly the same way he does. Does that make sense?

 

He's a fantastic husband and a great father. He loves us to distraction is loved in return even more, but even after 16 years there are things I just don't know how to handle.

[WishboneDawn]

Just another perspective...

 

He could be feeling that in other ways you aren't backing him up with the kids and so he's hypersensitive when it comes to being a little late with bedtime. I'd sit down and ask him if there might be other issues you could help him out with.

 

Another thought is that while 9:05 doesn't sound like a big deal when you're the one who's running a little late it's can be a huge deal for the parent who knows you both agreed on a certain time and that, at 9:05, you're still in the middle of something with the kids and they haven't even begun to get ready for bed. Then it's not 5 minutes, it's probably more like 15 after all is said and done plus feeling like you've been forced into the role of bedtime enforcer. If you guys agreed on 9 pm and it's important to him that it be 9 pm then it's probably best to make sure that it's 9 pm. :001_smile:

[Joanne]

:grouphug:Is it at all possible your DH is also an Aspie?