What are your expectations when college students are home on break?

[Brilliant]

My dd is home for break. It is 6 1/2 weeks, because her school has a January term.

 

Dh and I didn't set any expectations for the break. Now that she's been home almost a month - with almost 3 weeks left - we need to fix that ASAP!

 

She's not cooking, cleaning, working, or getting ahead on next semester's reading (HER stated goal) unless we cajole, threaten or otherwise force her. It's really discouraging to me to run the household with younger brother back in schoolwork full swing - and dd is sitting around reading the 18th Harry Potter book or watching an entire season of a sitcom on Netflix.

 

I can't take another 3 weeks of this - HELP! What do you expect from your college students?

[Photo Ninja]

I expect some general help around the house with whatever needs to be done, including keeping their rooms clean, cleaning the bathroom, doing their laundry, helping with housecleaning (dusting, vacuuming, or taking out the trash), and cleaning up after themselves in the kitchen. Sometimes I will send them on an errand or ask them to pick up something from the grocery store on their way home. They are part of the family, not guests, and none of these things takes up all their time.

 

If they are not going to be home for a meal, I expect them to let me know (and this is common since they and their friends are home from school at the same time and like to see each other during those few weeks before they all go back to different schools) and I like them to let me know if they are having friends over who will be here during a mealtime so I cook enough. I don't expect them to ask permission to go someplace with friends, but I do expect them to let me know where they are going and a general time of when they plan to be home. This is just courtesy and for safety.

[JFSinIL]

That he come out of his room to talk to me at least once every 24 hours.

[Jane in NC]

I felt some of your frustration last year which was my son's first year of college. He came home exhausted and on the verge of a cold--the misery exacerbated by a night spent in a chair at the airport as he returned. Understandably the Boy needed sleep. But his anti-social behavior was not completely appreciated although partially understood.

 

This year, I decided to announce some expectations before he even left campus. I told him that we would be doing some cooking together, naming a couple of dishes that he likes. In return he mentioned a film he wanted to see. My husband chimed in that he looked forward to playing some games. My neighbor asked me to contact The Boy to see if he was available to do yardwork during the break which meant some extra cash.

 

I pretty much left him to his own devices during week one (outside of a haircut and a visit to the dentist) since he was sleep deprived although he helped with some holiday prep. Week Two brought holiday festivities and some time with extended family--but also phone calls from local friends. He has had several dates to play Frisbee golf with friends which fills another expectation of mine: daily exercise. I have had the pleasure of almost daily walks with my son. Gosh, am I going to miss him when he returns to campus!

 

We have also borrowed some DVDs of films that all of would enjoy. Last night we had a rousing round of Kingsburg (a board game). Admittedly he does dishes only when asked but will do them. Same for trash and compost. But that has not changed from his time at home...

 

He has read countless Terry Pratchett books over break, some Salvatore, the latest in the Scott Westerfield's Leviathan series (in fact he persuaded me to read the first in this because he loves the world Westerfield has created). He does not have time at school to indulge in this sort of reading so this seems to be the foundation of a real break for him.

 

This is his fourth and last week at home. He is definitely switching gears to school mode. I hope that this transition comes naturally for your daughter too.

[Nan in Mass]

That he come out of his room to talk to me at least once every 24 hours.

 

Sigh - this is about right. It is amazing how much time they can spend reading comic books, watching youtube, facebooking, and escaping into a book. Or escaping into the woods, depending on the child.

 

We expect ours to help us when we ask them (drive youngest places, stack wood, repair thing). They are expected to go help their grandparents at least once (we leave them to set that up). Sometimes other family members grab them to help with something that requires lots of people or a truck or specific skills. We expect them to go to the dentist and deal with any banking, vehical, or medical issues that have arisen while they were at school. Other than that, we expect them to get rested up. They usually spend part of their vacation off visiting far-off friends and the rest of the vacation, they have friends and roommates here.

 

My husband was very wise and began a number of traditions that have resulted in enough family time that we have an opportunity to learn what they are happy or worried about. We go out to eat or have a family dinner once a week. We all go to a movie together (TinTin in 3D was fun this year). We do a ski vacation in the winter, they join us on the boat for 2-5 days in the summer, and we all go camping together family weekend in October. Grandparents are usually involved in most of that and friends and roommates and girlfriends are welcome to come. We help them pack and drive them back and forth to the airport for their internships and travellings, too (lots of those), which helps keep us all connected. When they graduated from high school, we have tried to alter their living situations to ones that will work until they have families of their own, so nobody feels close-to-the-end-ish. My husband goes to the gym every morning for health reasons, and he will take anyone with him who wants to go. He also buys temporary memberships for anyone who thinks they might like to go on their own. They often take advantage of this.

 

This is one area where my husband has really done a great job.

 

Nan

Edited January 11, 2012 by Nan in Mass

[Chris in VA]

We expect our eldest to take a few days at the beginning of his break to do whatever he wants. Then he has to work. He's responsible for a quarter of his yearly expenses, so it's important for him to earn during his break. This summer, he won't be home as much, since he has to take a production semester in an 8 week session, so he's only got 5 weeks between that and going back next fall. That means he really had to work this Christmas break. Luckily, he set something up and was able to.

 

He is helpful around the house, often doing the dishes for us, and has picked up his sister from the bus a few times when I've run late at work. We do spend time together, and he's a bit unusual in that he doesn't have any friends around here, so we're it. He can stay up or stay out as late as he wants, but he won't stay out so it isn't a worry.

 

I really miss him when he's gone. He goes back Sunday and won't be able to return until March.

[Nan in Mass]

One of mine was a plumber for awhile, so he always comes home to a list of people who have jobs for him to do, mostly the parents of his friends. The other one sometimes works a weekend here or there helping somebody replace a window or cabinets or something. Summers, they either work or go to school, but their Christmas break is usually 3 weeks, one of which is their Christmas present of skiing, so there isn't time to do anything other than odd jobs. We leave the earning of spending money to them. The older one usually manages to schedule a job for before Christmas so he has Christmas present money, but that usually depends on the timing of Christmas. If they had 6 weeks for Christmas, we might rethink the work expectation question. Hmm... Guess I should think about this for the youngest. These things are always easier if you announce your expectations well before the situation arises. Just when I think we have things figured out, they change GRIN. Thank you for bringing it up! It has been comforting to find that other students spend their vacation semi-horizontal with a book or their laptop, too.

Nan

[Jane in NC]

One of mine was a plumber for awhile, so he always comes home to a list of people who have jobs for him to do, mostly the parents of his friends. The other one sometimes works a weekend here or there helping somebody replace a window or cabinets or something. Summers, they either work or go to school, but their Christmas break is usually 3 weeks, one of which is their Christmas present of skiing, so there isn't time to do anything other than odd jobs. We leave the earning of spending money to them. The older one usually manages to schedule a job for before Christmas so he has Christmas present money, but that usually depends on the timing of Christmas. If they had 6 weeks for Christmas, we might rethink the work expectation question. Hmm... Guess I should think about this for the youngest. These things are always easier if you announce your expectations well before the situation arises. Just when I think we have things figured out, they change GRIN. Thank you for bringing it up! It has been comforting to find that other students spend their vacation semi-horizontal with a book or their laptop, too.

Nan

 

So many teens and college students have problems finding summer employment so I had wondered how challenging it might be for them to find work for a few weeks. I know my sister's kids worked Christmas break at a department store, one in sales, the other in display set up/break down. But this was before the most recent recession so I don't know if stores even have this sort of seasonal work readily available.

 

My son can always do yard work for one of my neighbors when he returns home but other than that I think we'd be hard pressed to think of possible work during a short break. The kids could get creative though. I met a young man who made loaves of artisan bread last summer, offering home delivery via bicycle. I wonder if students could think of something clever to market to family friends or relatives.

[memphispeg]

Dd is working part time and filling out applications for summer jobs and internships. She is watching a lot of Netflix. She does yoga everyday. We go out and do something together occasionally, like eating or shopping. She likes the "simple life" when she is home. She likes to help cook and plan interesting meals at home, etc.

[J-rap]

Our situation is a little different, because of my husband's health. Our daughter is home from college abroad for a month and a half, and then gone for another semester abroad. My expectations under normal circumstances would be to help in the kitchen (daily), help with rides for her younger siblings, do her own laundry, spend lots of time with her family:), and try and get a little part-time work in, if possible.

 

But, I've told her that I'd rather she spend all of that "chore" time with her father instead. She's a great gal and IS spending tons of time with him. But, this is something they both really enjoy; she doesn't look at it as a chore.

[Nan in Mass]

I seriously doubt mine could find "real" jobs. They can, however, make jobs for themselves by advertising themselves as available to do odd jobs, babysitting, etc. We have a large enough circle of do-it-yourself family and friends that usually somebody is needing help doing something. If all else fails, they can walk down the street with a snow shovel during snow storms. The artisan bread idea is a very cool one! We have several extended family members who have small side businesses. Everyone else is jealous.

Nan

[Osmosis Mom]

Dd is a senior now and we rarely see her at home. When she eventually has some free time and comes home for a coupleof days, then yes, she tries to sleep and catch up on doing nothing, her style. That said, then she has been making an effort at being a bit more social and available to us and her siblings when home, just a bit. I understand her needs, but, darn it, we miss her too!

 

She dorms just an hour away, but is extremely busy and social, but we can catch a glimpse of her at the weekly religious gathering in Boston; it is not like she doesn't come over for a hug and kiss, but then she is off, chatting with friends and doing her thing.

 

BTW, she has zero responsibilities when at home, but I do voice some criticism if she doesn't think of pitching in of her own accord during longer stays. She used to help me tremendously, but now is her time and she has tons of chores on her own so this is not her time to help around here. Give us a smile and a hug and we are happy, happy. Love this girl.

[mcconnellboys]

Well, mine was home last summer. He worked as many hours a week as he could, which often involved work every day of the week (although not 8 hours a day). He did his own laundry, kept up his room, ran errands, supervised his brother, and helped around the house as we asked him to. We had already transitioned his old chores to his brother, so what we asked him to do was a little different than when he lived at home. He mowed the lawn most weeks, too. In his spare time, he and a friend wrote music and recorded it on demo tapes.

 

I have a question, please. Around here, I thought all the schools that do a January or May term have that as a mandatory part of the school year. Does her school not require attendance at January term? I mean, she doesn't need that extra class to fill out her coursework in order to graduate in four years? I guess I'm confused about that....

 

I guess if I had one coming home for that amount of time in the winter, I would tell them ahead of time that they had to get a part-time job of some sort, as well as keeping up with a certain set of household work.

[Nan in Mass]

Mine play cribbage, cribbage, and more cribbage with their siblings and grandfather and us, when we have a minute. Every time they aren't doing anything for a minute, somebody is playing cribbage. We brought two boards skiing and people still wound up playing with tallies. My father has been practising, playing the computer, and was delighted when he beat my oldest. The youngest's hands were so lucky his brothers joked about him cheating (one of those occasions when I was thankful to have the children I have).

Nan

[AK_Mom4]

When DS20 comes home, he spends the first 3-4 days just sleeping and eating. They work him pretty hard there, especially just before breaks, so he is always exhausted when he gets here. He always helps around the house when asked (once he is awake), but spends most of his time with his girlfriend and my other two teens. Often they all hang out here at the house, so DH and I get a chance to visit with him as well. We are really glad his girlfriend lives here in town and doesn't mind spending hours over at our house so we can see him while he's here.

 

We don't really have too many expectations for him while he's here other than to go to church with us so we can show him off to all the little old ladies who adore him! He's a great kid and we all realize that we won't have too many years of him being able to come home on breaks, so we try to enjoy him while he is here.

[Brilliant]

I have a question, please. Around here, I thought all the schools that do a January or May term have that as a mandatory part of the school year. Does her school not require attendance at January term? I mean, she doesn't need that extra class to fill out her coursework in order to graduate in four years? I guess I'm confused about that....

 

No, dd's school doesn't require January classes. If she changes majors or otherwise gets behind in her plan, then it's nice to have as an option to get an extra class in.

 

Edited to add that it's expensive to take the January term, between tuition and board (they don't charge extra for the room which I guess is a nice bene)

Edited January 14, 2012 by OC Mom

[Brilliant]

Thanks for the many thoughtful replies. Dh ended up having a talk with her, just to let her know that we expect a little more helpfulness around the house since she's had a nice break from everything so far. And she's scheduled to work 2 full days a week until she goes back (she's lucky to have a job that she can call in and ask if they have any extra work she can do). Today she wanted to spend the day with some friends, but when I reminded her that the rest of us were going to work at the food bank for the morning, she immediately agreed to come with us, and she's spending the rest of the day/evening with her friends.

 

So I think we are working out a compromise...we'll remember to set some expectations up front before summer!

[memphispeg]

My dd's going back on Tues. She was not here long enough in my opinion. We may not see her much this summer. Hopefully she'll come for spring break. I hate it when they leave. Will need to pester other dd about her school work instead of just talking to the oldest......Sad.