Homeschooling and finding friend for your "special" kids...

[Kay in Cal]

My ds 6 has ADHD (he's taking medication) as well as dxed with SID (sensory-seeking), and some speech difficulties. He is just... more intense than kids around him, over talkative, awkward, goofy and un-coordinated. He definately has some Aspergers symptoms, but no one has wanted to put that label on him, particularly since he communicates so well with adults and is so very well spoken. He's also profoundly gifted. He loves to run over to kids and start talking to them, but most of the time they blow him off and walk away because he's "weird".

 

Just last week:

 

I talked to the mom of a girl in his karate class who constantly teases him. Admittedly, he is socially inept, but constant teasing isn't helping.

 

On our homeschool field trip, he said "Nice shirt!" to another boy. Except he can't pronounce "sh" properly. The conversation went like this:

(my son) "Nice thirt!"

"Nice what?"

"Thirt! Thirt! You know, the article of clothing that you wear on your upper body!"

"Oh, you mean... pants?" (being a smart-ass now)

"No, thirt! S-H-I-R-T!"

"Oh... well why didn't you say 'shirt' then? What's wrong with you?"

"I have trouble pronouncing my SHes, that's all."

"Well, you sound weird!"

At this point, the mom of the other boy rebuked him, while my ds wandered off. I asked him if his feelings were hurt, he said yes, and returned to accept the apology. All I could think was--one more time he's knocked down for trying to be nice.

 

I am just feeling bereft about this. He wants friends, he loves other kids... and they just can't stand him. He has his brother, and we have some friend with kids his age, but we don't see them that often (maybe once a month?). Karate and play groups and swimming--it's all just painful for me to watch, and he's yet to make any kind of connection with another child. His best friends (he says) are our friends--a couple that we socialize with frequently, and he loves to play games and converse with us grown ups. But no kids.

 

Any advice?

[Plucky]

You know Kay I think friendship at this age is overrated. My ds had problems communicating and being appropriate, too. I monitored him a lot and actually kept him out of situations where he was having problems until he was ready. Through family interaction and very safe environments he finally matured enough to be pretty socially saavy. We do a lot of talking, role play, etc. I think for your son waiting until he has matured more and his speech is better will make a huge difference and making friends may come easier.

 

My ds couldn't act right around kids at 6. Oh, he was a mess. I found for my son that by waiting until he could have social successes made a huge impact on his ability to fit in. That only happened with time and maturity. In your son's case maybe as he gets more comfortable with himself and his speech gets better this should happen.

 

Don't feel that his social awkwardness today will be with him forever. He's such a smart kid its only a matter of time before everything catches up and he's able to ignore kids that think they are funny and tease.

[Kathy in MD]

Talk to your ds's OT and ST to find children or social groups with kids with similar problems, especially those with SID. A social group with SID will be high energy, will need supervision, and will probably drive the parents crazy. They will be crashing into each other and doing other obnoxious boy behaviors at an extreme level (at least my ds and his friends did), but they'll love it.

[hsmamainva]

My Aspie son has made many friends by joining our local Little League Challengers baseball team.

 

It's baseball for special needs individuals, ages 5 through 22.

 

He LOVES to play ball! He started out at shortstop and he was just 'promoted' to 1st base this year and, boy, is he proud! :D

 

You could check for a team in your area at the Little League website or by contacting your local parks and recreation department.

 

And children of ALL abilities can play. We have some children on the team who have severe disabilities and they are given buddies, who help them to hit the ball, walk the bases (or push their wheelchair, if they're physically disabled). If they have vision issues, then they're given a tee to hit off of, no matter how old they are.

 

There are quite a few Aspies on the team, and they are able to 'truly play ball', if that makes sense -- they have a pitcher to pitch to them, field their own balls, etc. -- it's all based on their own individual abilities and my son has made many friends who don't think he's "weird" at all.

 

And WE have made friends with other parents of special needs children who understand what WE are going through every day out there in the "real world". We've heard about special camps, good local therapists, etc.

 

They go to tournaments in the area, too -- we've been to Pennsylvania, Maryland, and my son's favorite is a weekend tournament in Virginia Beach.

 

So I highly recommend giving it a try!

 

(Another thing to look into is Special Olympics. They're just starting a local Special Olympics team here for basketball - which my son wants to play this winter - and soccer.)

 

Hope this helps!

[at the beach]

You know Kay I think friendship at this age is overrated. My ds had problems communicating and being appropriate, too. I monitored him a lot and actually kept him out of situations where he was having problems until he was ready. Through family interaction and very safe environments he finally matured enough to be pretty socially saavy. We do a lot of talking, role play, etc. I think for your son waiting until he has matured more and his speech is better will make a huge difference and making friends may come easier.

 

My ds couldn't act right around kids at 6. Oh, he was a mess. I found for my son that by waiting until he could have social successes made a huge impact on his ability to fit in. That only happened with time and maturity. In your son's case maybe as he gets more comfortable with himself and his speech gets better this should happen.

 

Don't feel that his social awkwardness today will be with him forever. He's such a smart kid its only a matter of time before everything catches up and he's able to ignore kids that think they are funny and tease.

 

:iagree: My dd who will be 9 this month is becoming much better socially. We work on it some, too. I tell her about things she should do or should not, etc. My dd is on swim team and this seems to be helping her a lot! We have a neighborhood pool the kids go to and she suddenly has all these "friends" whom she hangs out with in the water and playing. She's very happy about it, especially since the 11 yo dd, who's always done very well with kids, doesn't seem to have as much social activity up there. ;) It's only very recently, though, that dd 8 is more receptive to figuring out how she needs to behave socially. In K/1st grade, she had issues with personal space. She'd get right up in children's faces. She doesn't do that at all anymore. It's just resolved itself. So, I'd say give it time, and in the meantime, monitor his social situations. What I have found interesting is the child of mine who struggles socially is the one who almost craves social interaction whereas my older two who do okay socially are more introverted.

 

Anita

[clarkacademy]

I so wish I had advice but I am wading up that same river my son is aspie. He is high functioning enough to know that he is different as well which makes it worse. I took him out of PS to help him and learned for the most part that HS kids can be just as mean if not meaner to children who are different. There are no types of groups or anything for children like Damie.Thank goodness for his sibs!! The only thing I can say is just love him as much and practice social situatons with him. Is he in speech? My son is and we work at it all the time. His therapists says all you can do is over practice sounds every day. My son is not good with r l or the th sounds. I wish you the best luck. Too bad they can't play together I know he would love to be around someone as "weird" as he is. :grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

1) Make his social skills a priority. They are more important to succeeding in life than any academic subject. This may mean an extra effort to get together with families whose kids get along with yours.

2) I have taught Sunday school for years, with special need students in the classes. I've noticed a couple of things: 1) kids with special needs tend to like each other and 2) there are usually 1-2 children in the class who are "bridge kids." They themselves do not have special needs, but they are tolerant of a wide range of kids, including kids with special needs. I can't remember whether you are the Kay that is a pastor, but if you are, I'd ask your Sunday school teachers for observations as to which kids might be a good fit.

3) Your friendships with the mothers of the kids your kid hangs with make a lot of difference. Pursue those friendships! Be open with the other moms you can trust with your dc's challenges. If you have a friend or two who loves your kid (sometimes because they love you), it can work wonders.

4) There are social skills groups, often run out of OT clinics, or private psychology offices. See if any are available in your area.

5) Demystify the social scene for ds. Teach him that some kids do tend to be mean to kids with some challenges, but that it won't always be that way. For one thing, he's going to overcome his challenges. For another, many of the kids will get nicer when they're adults. Give your child a realistic explanation for what is going on now (his challenges are the issue, not HIM) and hope for the future. Tell him that kids who have challenges and overcome them wind up stronger as adults than kids who never had any challenges to overcome. It's true!~

[newbie]

Look for groups in your area. I know In So Cal we have aspie groups that help with their social skills.

 

My niece also has Starbuck teen groups that meet for her hearing deficiency. They use all sign. She has auditory processing. But she loves to sign. I think that is her way of communicating.

 

It takes a lot of searching to get them with the right group, but it will happen.

Jeannette

[chiguirre]

This is a bit off the wall, but it is based on my experience so it might help. Martial arts for little kids is a magnet for disfunction. Everyone's heard that it helps gain confidence, focus, coordination and so there are lots of kids with issues in these classes, including mine! :blush: Our instructors do their best to contain the chaos and my kids do enjoy the class, but it is definitely ds's worst activity. Ballet, kindermusik and a general hs coop have all worked better. We'll stick with TKD because dd is progressing well, my oldest loves going to the school even though he doesn't take classes and ds goes with the flow even though he does get a bit overstimulated.

 

We've had bullying problems at TKD too. Unfortunatey the bully has serious issues too so a little chat is not going to help. The only thing we can do is try to separate the boys as much as possible and maintain constant vigilance.

 

We've made friends with a family whose kids are close in age to mine and whose ds has similar issues. There are a lot of them out there so keep your radar up and you might get lucky too.

[Stacy in NJ]

Friendships and social activites are way over rated for 6 yos. I have two boys, ages 9 and 11, at 6 neither had lasting or deep friendships, most kids that age just don't, sometimes girls usually not boys. I would look for activities that focus on his interests as a gifted kid. I really think his best bet for friendships will be with kids that share some the same issues (giftedness, adhd). Are there social organizations or special interest clubs (robotics, lego leagues) in your area for gifted kids? He'll really connect when he finds some other little guy with an intense interest they share, like robotics or dinosaurs.